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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have no idea what to say to PG friend who is having her third boy?

303 replies

LittleOneMum · 30/09/2011 15:39

One of my very best friends has two boys, aged 1 and 4. I have two DCs too, same ages, but a DS (4) and DD (1). It was really nice being pg at the same time, our kids are close and until now, all well.
However, when we were both pg with DC2, she was desperate for a girl. Had a name all picked out, often spoke of organising her wedding day, etc. I was very relaxed and in my heart of hearts probably wanted another boy (but never said this).
Of course, scans showed she was having a boy and I was having a girl and she was pretty upset for a while. But she got over it and she loves her two boys and tbh my DD is pretty tomboy like so far...
Anyway, we've decided to stick with 2, and she decided to have a 3rd DC and this afternoon she rang me in tears to say that her scan showed it was a 3rd boy. She was beside herself with pain. I was totally rubbish, I didn't know what to say and although she is too nice to say so, I could so feel she was thinking "it's OK for you, you have a DD".
bloody blinking turnips what am I going to do? AIBU just to say nothing? I know that long term she will love her son, but she is in pain now and I am her friend. AAAAAARGH.

OP posts:
porcamiseria · 30/09/2011 22:55

I think if you have a gender wish, dont have the gender scan

tethersend · 30/09/2011 22:55

So you don't buy my experience either, pocamiseria? Or just the OP's friend?

"PND-is different-she can't have it before she has the baby so I don't see what it has to do with it."

But she knew she was having a baby. Why is it different?

tethersend · 30/09/2011 22:55

gender scan gave me time to deal with it before she was born

helpmabob · 30/09/2011 22:55

How do you know she was ok? None of us know very much about this person. Clearly if she is very upset something is not right and may never have been alright. Seriously for the last time do you not understand that there are more often than not underlying reasons for such feelings.

Crosshair · 30/09/2011 22:55

I just dont think anyone would choose to feel that way about their child. It must be awful for everyone in the family.

porcamiseria · 30/09/2011 22:57

Oh I get that there is pre natal depression, It just does not read like thats what the issue is, she is gutted because she is having a boy

look fuck know I dont know her, I dont know OP, I know nothing

but allow me my reaction, and I allow you yours of sympathy ok

duckdodgers · 30/09/2011 22:59

Porca life events can cause depression - and the OPs friend may know herself her feelings are irrational and "wrong" - and yet still feel them, this in turn then can cause guilt and so the vicious circle goes on.

tethersend · 30/09/2011 23:01

Porca, for me the gender disappointment was how my antenatal depression manifested itself.

lenny101 · 30/09/2011 23:03

Whoever taught us that we could influence everything and get precisely what we wanted? Somethings are truly out of our control. Wow, imagine that? Poor woman, maybe she thought if she believed hard enough it would all come true.....
Supporting someone in this position would be really difficult for me but I'd start by emphasising the positives.

Crosshair · 30/09/2011 23:03

I watched this not so long ago about people who had boys and wanted girls:

www.channel4.com/programmes/8-boys-and-wanting-a-girl/episode-guide/series-1/episode-1

I imagine it can be upsetting for people who have lost children/cant conceive ect so wouldnt recommend if it might make you sad/angry. I found it interesing and abit of an eye opener.

porcamiseria · 30/09/2011 23:06

Oh dear, well sorry if my comments upset people that have had a struggle with it. cant have been nice to read in that context

and I hope noone with fertility issues read and gets upset either, as they well might

god its fucking minefield

duckdodgers · 30/09/2011 23:19

I think it can be hard to empathise with someone's point of view that is so alien to us at the end of the day. Its not a question of taking sides or anything like that but being able to understand that someone else can feel something different from yourself - whether or not they agree with it is another matter of course.

orangehead · 30/09/2011 23:34

It normal to feel disappointed, but to be beside yourself with pain she should try having a scan where they say 'sorry your baby has no heartbeat'.
I would listen and support her for a few days let her get over the shock, which can be if you have convinced yourself your having a girl. But any longer and I wouldn't indulgeh her

GodKeepsGiving · 30/09/2011 23:43

You could try telling her that the sex of the child has no bearing on their nature. I managed to produce the first female in my husband's line for generations and she hates dressing up or being feminine with a passion. My sons love their smart shirts and having their hair done. You simply never know what the personality of the individual will be.

allhailtheaubergine · 01/10/2011 04:04

The sex of her child also has no bearing on their wedding plans. All three of my brothers have had frothy white weddings and involved my parents hugely in the planning. Me, the only girl, buggered off and got married without inviting anyone, didn't wear a frock, and didn't have a single photo.

AngryBeaver · 01/10/2011 07:27

Ok, perhaps my comment wasn't best thought out. It was a knee jerk reaction due to my own circumstances at the moment.
I also have a girl and two boys. I would really love another girl.
I don't think I would ever be in pain if I was handed another boy. Disappointed,yes.
But, I didn't realise that this was a recognised condition that can trigger post natal depression and require years of therapy.
So, I apologise.
As I said, this is a difficult time for me and I think I will refrain from posting for a while.

youarekidding · 01/10/2011 07:44

It is a wierd situation the whole 'wanting a specific sex' for a child. I guess like everything in life you have your 'plans' and it takes a while to adjust when they go awry.

I'm sure people have their dreams of 'who' they'll marry and what type of ceremony, the type of house they'll live in etc etc.

Very interesting information about gender disappointment tethers

My best friend and I had our DC's in sucession. She had her DD1 when I was 6 weeks pg. She really wanted a girl and I always referred to my 'bump' as he. (I wanted a boy!) It was hard because I didn't want her to think I wanted a boy because of any specific reason related to her having a boy. She fell pg again 3 months after I had DS. She wanted another girl (although tbh wasn't really that bothered iyswim?) but again was worrried about saying something in case I thought it was something about DS! She then had her DD2!

I know both of us would have been happy whatever sex our children were but there is the possibility there could have been some 'disappointment'?

Quite frankly having worked in a special school now for 5 years and after reading the heartbreaking threads on MN I would be happy with a healthy baby. Doesn't mean I would have always felt this way.

PontyMython · 01/10/2011 07:53

"don't indulge her behaviour"

I agree. It is not her fault she feels upset, you can't change your own feelings - but for the sake of her child she has to get over it.

Thank goodness she found out though. I have an acquaintance whom I met during her third pregnancy. she was quite open about wanting a boy after 2 DDs, and being a bit disappointed when the scan said otherwise.

However she was pregnant again and this time got quite excited about it being a boy, and the fact this pregnancy "felt different" so they didn't find out the sex, saying they wanted a surprise. It was another girl, and it's pretty obvious she is disappointed.

DillyTante · 01/10/2011 08:25

Agree with everything Tethers has said.

MummyTo2MonkeysAnd1Bug · 01/10/2011 09:27

YANBU to not know what to say.

I have 3 DD's, and my cousin who desperately wants a girl is pregnant with her 3rd DS.

I have never had a preference as to whether i had a girl or a boy - i was just happy to have these bundles of joy.

Her reaction to being pregnant with her 3rd boy was to tell people she is 'devestated' and to completely cut me out of her life. Sad

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 01/10/2011 09:35

My dad's best mate had a DD then 6.....yes 6 DS's before having another DD. I have always felt quite Sad for all the DS's inbetween.It's almost like they weren't good enough and the parents just kept trying for a girl.

4madboys · 01/10/2011 10:04

have just about read the whole thread!

tbh my first thought was that she needs to get over it and tbh its not a feeling that i have ever understood, but then we are HUMAN and we have feelings and emotions that we CANT always control, there may be a reason for it, there may not, but she does need some support rather than lots of harsh words, cos i would imagine she actually feels pretty shitty about herself that she feels this way?!

OP i am not sure what you can do to help your friend, but as someone who has had four boys, can i say that one thing (tiny thing) that i found hurtful was that at the birth of boys no 3 and 4 there wasnt much congratulations etc simply because it was 'another boy' (am sure it would have beent he same the other way round) anyway i think it would be lovely if you make sure SHE feels that her baby is special when its born, get her and the baby a lovely gift/card etc make a fuss, perhaps when/if she feels a bit better about the baby being a boy, go shopping with her before the birth and help her choose something lovely for the baby.

i know that sounds daft and presents and cards etc shouldnt matter, but i did notice a huge difference with the reactions we got when we had no 3 and 4, which was then contrasted hugely by the birth of baby no 5 who happened to be a girl!

i think its great that she feels she CAN be honest with you op, you must have a good friendship and she obviously trusts you :) i would just let her talk about it, maybe see if she can get some counselling? but just be her friend as you would normally and let her know that you dont judge her and am hoping that she will ultimately enjoy her pregnancy and will love that little boy when he arrives as she does her other two :) xx

TurkeyBurgerThing · 01/10/2011 10:11

I don't get people like this I really don't. You get what you're given! Fucking idiot.

madonnawhore · 01/10/2011 10:15

As someone who would love to have a baby but isn't in the position to have one right now, I am playing the world's tiniest violin for her.

Hmm
Aislingorla · 01/10/2011 10:16

Totally agree Turkey, silly, spoilt woman should count her blessings. If she is so unhappy to be having a 3rd boy ,suggest she has him adopted and then try again for her girl ! (or maybe not !) Pity her older boys and partner!
Total clown needs a slap!

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