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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have no idea what to say to PG friend who is having her third boy?

303 replies

LittleOneMum · 30/09/2011 15:39

One of my very best friends has two boys, aged 1 and 4. I have two DCs too, same ages, but a DS (4) and DD (1). It was really nice being pg at the same time, our kids are close and until now, all well.
However, when we were both pg with DC2, she was desperate for a girl. Had a name all picked out, often spoke of organising her wedding day, etc. I was very relaxed and in my heart of hearts probably wanted another boy (but never said this).
Of course, scans showed she was having a boy and I was having a girl and she was pretty upset for a while. But she got over it and she loves her two boys and tbh my DD is pretty tomboy like so far...
Anyway, we've decided to stick with 2, and she decided to have a 3rd DC and this afternoon she rang me in tears to say that her scan showed it was a 3rd boy. She was beside herself with pain. I was totally rubbish, I didn't know what to say and although she is too nice to say so, I could so feel she was thinking "it's OK for you, you have a DD".
bloody blinking turnips what am I going to do? AIBU just to say nothing? I know that long term she will love her son, but she is in pain now and I am her friend. AAAAAARGH.

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 30/09/2011 20:34

I don't think that anyone should even consider having a DC if they are going to 'feel pain' if they don't get what they want. It is horrible that you have a 50% chance of bringing a DC into the world who isn't wanted. We are such a consumer society that people are used to getting what they want-I think that it is wonderful that this is one place where you get what comes and it will be a sad day when people can order what they want.
There are lots of older DCs needing a home, if a girl is all important you could consider adoption.
(I know that the wedding wasn't all important BUT no one should be thinking of it before the DC themselves thinks of it!!-certainly not something to be mentioned when pregnant).

SwimLittleFish · 30/09/2011 20:44

I always wanted girls. Even when I was a teenager and just talked and fantasised with friends about what our future and life would be like, I always used to say i wanted 2 girls.
I have 2 boys. I was so unhappy and depressed when I found out I was having boys especially as people around me were having girls. I cried as well.

I don't think it's fair for people to say I should be thankful and I'm being stupid because I can't help how I feel. I know I should be thankful and greatful but I still feel a bit hard done by. It's just the way it is.

Maybe your friend will be fine or maybe she'll always feel a little bit sad but she'll get over that initial sadness. Just be her friend and don't say stupid things to her like 'oh you won't know what that's like because you've only got boys' like my friend does Hmm

redcamels · 30/09/2011 20:49

YANBU.

She IBU...ungrateful woman.

bankholiday · 30/09/2011 20:49

As someone who had devastating news at a 20 week scan, I can only say that I have no sympathy whatsoever for people like your friend. A healthy child and uneventful pregnancy are not to be taken for granted. She is in pain? Really?! FGS!

BatsUpMeNightie · 30/09/2011 20:51

exoticfruits - love that verse

helpmabob · 30/09/2011 20:52

Has anyone noticed the OP is no longer here to read this thread that has come round a full circle!

usualsuspect · 30/09/2011 20:55

Are you surprised?

Mnetters with their pitchforks out

I would have fucked off long ago if I was the OP

helpmabob · 30/09/2011 20:57

Nope op did the right thing, she also seemed a lovely friend to have.

exoticfruits · 30/09/2011 20:59

It is not so much wanting the girl that bothers me, it is the idea of what the girl is going to be like-she may be nothing at all like the mother expects-it seems a huge burden on a DC to imagine they are going to be soul mates.

exoticfruits · 30/09/2011 21:01

To be fair to OP it is difficult-I wouldn't say all the things that I have said on here! I would probably have to stuck to the fact that I have 3 DSs and they are lovely.(not much help as OP has a DD). Just sound generally sympathic.

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 30/09/2011 21:02

It's not the wanting a girl that bothers me, it's the going ahead having a baby knowing you'd only have a 50% chance of that happening

However - maybe she thought she'd got over the fixation with a girl, maybe she'll get over this very quickly.

Crosshair · 30/09/2011 21:05

I just wanted to say thanks to all the posters who wrote about their experiences of gender disappointment/depression. It helped me to understand how others can feel about such things.

Roseflower · 30/09/2011 21:07

The question posed is what can the OP do to help her friend; not are the friends feelings valid.

Agree with the feelings or not, they are valid and someone else's pain even if we cannot understand them.

OP I would suggest giving your friend time to think through her feelings.I wouid then encourage perpective of how lucky she is to have a 3rd baby at all,and a healthy one.

I would then try and reframe her thoughts from negative to positive. Remind her how great her son's are and imagine how wonderful it will be to see them all playing together and so on.

She needs to reprogramme her thinking from negative to postive.

prizeelliott · 30/09/2011 21:13

I can see the general opinion that this lady should be greatful for what were given.... obviously a healthy baby of any sex is the ultimate gift. However I don't think it is completley irrational to be a bit upset/dissapointed to not have the family you imagined. I have 3 DD's, and I love them to bits. Wouldn't change them for the world etc etc! However I have always longed for a DS! I not really sure why.... I didn't have a brother, and I just thing there is something really special about a little boy and helping to mould a lovely young man. I don't think we will have any more DC's (although that pains me to say), but I don't think it's fair to attack this woman for how she feels.She was only venting to a close friend, she wasn't crying publicly! God help me if ever a close friend of mine posts about any of my rants!!!! You'd all have a field day!!!!!
Just help your friend by trying to be understanding.... Sure she is 'over it' already...cut her some slack!

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 30/09/2011 21:18

I have one of each and while that's nice for the parents, I think the children probably more have more fun when they're all one gender! Grin

Mine are still v small and love playing together, and to be fair, my brother and I grew up as good friends. But still, I think it must be lovely to be a sibling of three, all the same gender, and to all muck in together enjoying the same sort of things.

Perhaps try to get her to focus on how much fun the three children will have growing up together and what great friends and support they'll be for each other. It might help to focus her mind back on her children and how nice this will be for them. Bit of a sliver lining, maybe.

duckdodgers · 30/09/2011 21:42

Im not surprised at people being disappointed they are having a boy - and I speak as a Mum of 3 boys myself who was mildly upset DS3 wasnt a girl - but as loads of people have said its not necessarily being upset at having a boy - but being upset that you will never have a girl.

The reason Im not surprised is the reaction here on MN to MILs - from women who the minute they are married dismiss or relegate their husbands Mothers in particular to second class citizens as if they suddenly don't matter. Of course MILs and Mums to can be overbearing but I've seen a lot of posts here that dont see them as "family" type of thing, really awful.

exoticfruits · 30/09/2011 22:06

It is fairly easy if she doesn't get on with MIL-tell her that she is quite likely to produce a mini MIL. I am surprised that people never account for the fact that the DD may be more like MIL than anyone else!

porcamiseria · 30/09/2011 22:11

sorry but she is ungrateful!!!!! sweet jesus dont even pander to this shit

tell her to fucking pull herself together, as nicely as you can

Northernlurker · 30/09/2011 22:16

Hmm Is there a nice way to say 'I'm not pandering to your shit, fucking pull yourself together' - because I can't see one tbh.

usualsuspect · 30/09/2011 22:17

as understanding as ever porcamiseria

porcamiseria · 30/09/2011 22:21

I did say "as nicely as you can" !!!!

soverylucky · 30/09/2011 22:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

porcamiseria · 30/09/2011 22:23

and I cannot get one iota or even atom if sympathy here, sorry, I have searched deep, nada

I cannot fathom how she is in "pain"

usualsuspect · 30/09/2011 22:24

The tread is not about your friend though is it?

usualsuspect · 30/09/2011 22:25

thread*

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