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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have no idea what to say to PG friend who is having her third boy?

303 replies

LittleOneMum · 30/09/2011 15:39

One of my very best friends has two boys, aged 1 and 4. I have two DCs too, same ages, but a DS (4) and DD (1). It was really nice being pg at the same time, our kids are close and until now, all well.
However, when we were both pg with DC2, she was desperate for a girl. Had a name all picked out, often spoke of organising her wedding day, etc. I was very relaxed and in my heart of hearts probably wanted another boy (but never said this).
Of course, scans showed she was having a boy and I was having a girl and she was pretty upset for a while. But she got over it and she loves her two boys and tbh my DD is pretty tomboy like so far...
Anyway, we've decided to stick with 2, and she decided to have a 3rd DC and this afternoon she rang me in tears to say that her scan showed it was a 3rd boy. She was beside herself with pain. I was totally rubbish, I didn't know what to say and although she is too nice to say so, I could so feel she was thinking "it's OK for you, you have a DD".
bloody blinking turnips what am I going to do? AIBU just to say nothing? I know that long term she will love her son, but she is in pain now and I am her friend. AAAAAARGH.

OP posts:
sportsfanatic · 30/09/2011 16:30

Women like this make me come over all stabby. If she was dreaming about a wedding for a daughter then thank the lord it is a son and not a daughter she would presumably have done her best to turn into a simpering vision in pink and frills. Mind you, might have served her right to have had a tomboy who beats up her brothers and lives in jeans and Doc Martins Grin

spookshowangellovesit · 30/09/2011 16:31

i was upset when i found out i was having a boy after i had two girls but i had ishooes about men and worried about the possibility of paedophilia being genetic.
very crazy i know but hormonal pregnant shit, being pregnant again i am hoping its a boy but will be happy either way as having a boy has released some demons but she is pregnant and that can make you a bit crazy, so lets not totally vilify her especially as she may have decided in advance that this would be her last once and is grieving the loss of the possibility of having a girl, having put all her eggs in one basket.

TheOriginalFAB · 30/09/2011 16:32

I was all set to say you say congratulations of course but it appears it is she that has the problem, not you.

All you can do is listen when she wants to moan as she was clearly hoping for a girl but life doesn't always give you what you want.

My husband has a relative having their fourth girl...

You get what you are given and that is that.

Mimmee · 30/09/2011 16:32

OP I sympathise with you - my best friend was pg same time as me, she already has a DS and was desperate for a girl. Turned out she had a boy and I had a girl.

She was really upset too and I didn't have a clue what to say to her especially as she kept saying how lucky I was.

She too was talking about weddings and if/when her daughter has a baby etc.

Don't get me wrong she loves her boys to bits as I'm sure your friend does too. I think some people have very fixed ideas early on in life about what they want their family to be - eg, a boy and girl etc. and it rarely works out that way. But I suppose some find it hard to let go of that IYSWIM.

Anyway, much as I couldn't really understand my friends upset, all I did was be a listening ear. I certainly didn't and don't avoid talking about DD and we see her and her DSes all the time.

It may not be reasonable for her to be so upset but that is the way she feels and there is nothing you can say that will make her feel better. Just be her friend.

She obviously feels comfortable sharing this with you so try not to judge the way she is feeling (hard I know!).

eaglewings · 30/09/2011 16:33

Littleonemum she is lucky to have you. I don't understand the strong desire to have a particular gender but it's obvious that it is soooo important to your friend

You are right to just listen and then maybe encourage her to get help so that the birth is wonderful for her

Posters who have such bad memories of having dreadful scans where they find their baby is unlikely to live should maybe not read such threads as this, it obviously brings up difficult memories.

There is always someone worse off than ourselves sadly

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 30/09/2011 16:35

LittleOneMum - tell her from me that it is lovely having three sons - she will adore all of them. It's a different dynamic to all girls or a mixture, but I couldn't be happier than I am, with my three boys and the dynamic that brings.

I understand that she rang to vent to you, and maybe she was a bit OTT in her language, but that happens when you are upset. Give her a hug - and if she would like to talk to me about the joys of boys, get her to join mumsnet, and I will happily talk to her in PM.

TheControversialJessie · 30/09/2011 16:36

I'm going to skate over the issue of her "gender disappointment", because so many others have addressed it better than I ever could, and go for the "organising her daughter's wedding".

Now, I hope I've got the wrong end of the stick here, and I'm interpreting those words overly pessimistically, but: Have you not seen the despairing threads from Mumsnetters whose mothers insist on doing exactly that?

Mumsnet consensus is frequently: "toxic mother/narcissistic mother/etc".

If she wants to organise a wedding, she can either organise her own or embark on a career as a wedding planner. Either would be more emotionally healthy. Especially for the hypothetical daughter.

tethersend · 30/09/2011 16:36

"Women like this make me come over all stabby."

Well, that would be me, then. I was a woman like this.

I knew knew knew my first dc was a boy. I felt it in every bone in my body. I had always dreamed of having a boy.

When they told me at my scan it was a girl, I was inconsolable. Of course, now I realise I was suffering from horrible, horrible depression and the gender was just the focus of it. I am glad I found out as it gave me time to come to terms with issues I hadn't even realised were there... By the time dd was born, I had faced up to them.

I saw the hospital's ante-natal counsellor about it, and interestingly, she said that most people she saw experiencing gender disappointment were couples who have had infertility and/or IVF for years and finally conceive that much-longed-for baby. After years of holding onto a dream of a baby, often a girl, they were devastated when they conceived twin boys, especially feeling that this may be the only pregnancy they have.

The disappointment is irrational, and so many people would dearly love a baby but cannot conceive, it is compounded by a sense of guilt- but it is still disappointment, and needs to be acknowledged.

Women with PND often say/feel that they don't love their children; hardly anybody thinks they really don't, they recognise that the feeling is borne of irrational feelings and depression. Nobody wants to stab them. So why is this different?

Tota1Xaos · 30/09/2011 16:37

OK, she's your best mate so you don't want to give her the full get a grip treatment, but don't indulge her, try and encourage her to see the positive side of another lovely baby

Pinot · 30/09/2011 16:39

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/1311023-To-Mums-of-3-adult-boys

This is a sweet thread about having all boys from the viewpoint of non-stabby Mums.

electra · 30/09/2011 16:41

I really don't get people who are devastated to find out they are having one sex or the other. Talking about a hypothetical wedding day???? Maybe if she did have a dd she wouldn't get married anyway!

Sorry but if I were you I'd find it hard to drum up sympathy for your friend, even though I suppose she can't help the way she feels.

TheControversialJessie · 30/09/2011 16:44

There may be deeper issues, that would make me feel more understanding or she may not have such. Presently, it seems to me that she doesn't necessarily want a girl. She wants her idea of a girl.

Get her some books on feminism, instead?

ElfOnTheTopShelf · 30/09/2011 16:45

I honestly don't get why people are so disappointed with the ideas of having one sex child over another. I know somebody who was a keep-trying-until-I-get-the-one-I-want types who fortunately is now pregnant with the "right" sex after having three of the others. She had said she'd continue had baby 4 been not the sex she wanted.

I have a boy and a girl, and get infuriated when people ask me if I will have another, and when I say no say "well, you have one of each, your family is complete". No, my family is complete because I have two beautiful children, not because I have a boy and a girl. I think I would have done a nut if I'd had a second daughter and been asked whether we were having another to "get a boy" or "give DH a son".

I am sorry your friend is disappointed but she quickly needs to realise that she is carrying a healthy baby, and that is all that matters.

tethersend · 30/09/2011 16:49

"Presently, it seems to me that she doesn't necessarily want a girl. She wants her idea of a girl."

I would say that this is spot on. But letting go of that cherished idea of a girl is going to be painful for her.

I did a LOT of feminist reading when I found I was expecting a girl- the strength of my disappointment shocked me to the core, and really had to examine my deepest understanding of what it meant to be female and why I felt so negatively about it. I learned a lot, but now know that I was not in my right mind at the time.

This is really not a rational reaction she is having here.

I assume all of those who find it hard to be sympathetic would treat a woman with PND saying she doesn't love her baby in the same way? Or if not, why not? What's different?

Northernlurker · 30/09/2011 16:53

I agree the OP's friend is behaving unreasonably but there's no point berating the OP for that - nor can she adjust her friend's feelings.

With friends who have had various pregnancy problems and losses, with a child of my own with a congenital heart defect (thankfully mild) and with several years spent on here behind me, I don't take anything for granted and am firmly in the as long as it's healthy camp. However there are plenty of women out there who simply haven't experienced those sort of things, who think that stillbirth is something from the history books - and in that context I think the friend's response becomes more explicable. There is no 'be glad the baby is ok' if you've always thought the baby would be ok and never imagined anything else.

OP - just try and encourage her to embrace the baby she's having for who he is.

TheControversialJessie · 30/09/2011 17:00

Well, for me, I react to any woman with PND with sympathy because she has an actual illness.

However, rightly or wrongly (and perhaps wrongly), my first reaction to the OP's friend wasn't to assume she's ill, but to assume she's just normally a sexist person, which then leads into my default response against sexism of "For god's sake, stop being so disgustingly sexist."

Probably because I've met rather more people who were normally sexist, than I have met mothers-without-PND-who-ADMITTED-not-loving-their-children.

sportsfanatic · 30/09/2011 17:02

tethersend You are right - it is not a rational reaction. A rational reaction would be just to hope you have a healthy baby. I have two DDs and was baffled when people said "I expecting you want a boy" the second time round. Err no - a healthy child will do just fine thanks. I really hate to hear this "want a boy or want a girl" thing from pregnant women - it hints that they have preconceived ideas of what boys or girls should be. Doesn't bode well for a healthy relationship with their new individual.

TheControversialJessie · 30/09/2011 17:03

Anyway, all you can do is help her get used to the baby being a boy before he's born. Provide a listening ear.

Poor woman. She's still feeling miserable, even if it's daft of her. And telling her not to be silly won't make the feelings go away.

Caffeinefiend · 30/09/2011 17:10

I hope she gets over it before the baby is born...Not being Judgemental it's just had this experience in my family. My Paternal Grandmother had two boys and during her third pregnancy was desperate for a girl. She had another boy (My dad). She didn't touch him for 3 days because she was 'devastated' he wasn't a girl. She told him all his life that she had wanted a girl, not another boy. My dad has issues with women because of it (And has 3 daughters, one son...someone up there has a sick sense of humour!).

I loved that woman but to do that to her child is unforgivable....

Anniegetyourgun · 30/09/2011 17:12

I've only got two things to say on the subject, neither of which are in the least bit helpful, but that won't stop me saying them.

  1. The only thing nicer than three sons (in my experience) is four sons

and

  1. Cheer up, her DS3 might turn out to be gay, then she can have a pink wedding after all.
valiumredhead · 30/09/2011 17:20

I would find it very hard to say anything to a woman who was 'in pain' about this situation!

I find it very hard to take anyone seriously who voices disappointment in carrying a healthy child out loud.

And what Annie said Grin

tethersend · 30/09/2011 17:29

Being honest about how she feels will be what stops her turning into your grandmother, caffienefiend.

Anyone reading this thread who felt as I did will be dissuaded from discussing the matter due to some of the bafflingly blinkered attitudes on here. Of course depression isn't rational. Feeling devastated when you are carrying a healthy baby because of its gender isn't rational- yet I felt that way. Some women who have suffered infertility and losses feel that way.

Women who give birth to healthy babies should be grateful, not all miserable and crying an depressed- but it's never that simple, is it?

tethersend · 30/09/2011 17:30

*Being honest and seeking help

Gemd81 · 30/09/2011 17:33

How ridiculous she should be pleased to be blessed with a baby at all -
You can't choose what you get should just be grateful and think of all the couples that can't have any babies at all!Angry