to have no idea what to say to PG friend who is having her third boy?

[LittleOneMum]

One of my very best friends has two boys, aged 1 and 4. I have two DCs too, same ages, but a DS (4) and DD (1). It was really nice being pg at the same time, our kids are close and until now, all well.
However, when we were both pg with DC2, she was desperate for a girl. Had a name all picked out, often spoke of organising her wedding day, etc. I was very relaxed and in my heart of hearts probably wanted another boy (but never said this).
Of course, scans showed she was having a boy and I was having a girl and she was pretty upset for a while. But she got over it and she loves her two boys and tbh my DD is pretty tomboy like so far...
Anyway, we've decided to stick with 2, and she decided to have a 3rd DC and this afternoon she rang me in tears to say that her scan showed it was a 3rd boy. She was beside herself with pain. I was totally rubbish, I didn't know what to say and although she is too nice to say so, I could so feel she was thinking "it's OK for you, you have a DD".
bloody blinking turnips what am I going to do? AIBU just to say nothing? I know that long term she will love her son, but she is in pain now and I am her friend. AAAAAARGH.

[TheRealTillyMinto]

dont think this is about the baby at all. it look like your friends wants a child of her own gender to live her life again through.

what if her daughter did not want to get married or did not want her mum taking over her?

[pink4ever]

Well I for one thinks tethers has spoken very honestly and eloquently on this subject rather than the standard knee jerk reactions.

When I had my 1st ds I just knew he was a boy-we both wanted a boy-I was right but he only lived for 10 hours. When I had my 2nd ds,again I really wanted a boy and tbh would have been devastated at having a girl. This was part of my grieving-I wanted a son to replace the son I had lost. Irrational? yes but I was not in control of it.

I then went on to lose 3 more boys. I then had a dd-couldnt believe it when they told me-was delighted-dh was mildly disapointed as had imagined 2 boys-my family were and my sister maintained right up until dd was born that they had made a mistake!!

I have nothing but sympathy for this women-its hard to let go of the dreams we have imagined even if they are not realistic. Am sure when her ds is born she will love him as much as her other sons.

[tethersend]

Oh zukie

Can I ask, did you get any support when he was born?

[spookshowangellovesit]

oh bollocks all parents subtly or unsubtly influence their children in one way or another and to say you didnt would be a lie. most parents that suffer gender disappointment (talking it that's the trendy catchphrase for it) at their 20 wk scan manage to have worked through it by the time the baby is born and realise they were being an idiot.
most of the people on here being all high and mighty about it obviously never had it and good for them. i did, i dont feel bad about it it was an emotion i felt about my child, i got over it and never really thought about it much until now, much like how when my autistic dd used to punch me or spit at me or bite me i use to wonder if i loved her. of course i did but i was in a bad place, some parents would wonder how a mother could ever wonder that about a child but they were never in that position so they can think what they like.
all parents have passing thoughts about their children through out their lives that could not all be termed loving and fluffy. wishing your boy had been a girl or vice versa and being a bit sad about it for awhile hardly the most heinous thought i have had.
thinking about throwing all my children out the window after being told to stop arguing for the fourth time, now thats bad

[pink4ever]

Forgot to add we then went on to have a 3rd dc-a boy-we both wanted another boy. Not because we dont love our dd-she is my princess-its just what we felt would complete our family. Tbh I would love another dc and would ideally have a dd but dh says no

[tethersend]

pink4ever

[AngryBeaver]

Stupid woman...she needs to have a read of the miscarriage/bereavement threads. THAT is pain

[SueNarmy]

oh your mate is a moron tbh

you are best rid of her
say " fuck off freaky mate"

and have done

[pink4ever]

No probs tethers

[slavetofilofax]

Tethersend, you are putting forward some really good points, I have learned something and will react differntly next time I hear something like this. I really hope the OP's friend will benefit from what you have said to her friend.

OP, You do sound like a very good friend, and I hope you get to help enjoy the pregnancy soon.

[MrsMilton]

I'm another one in the Get A Grip camp. I can't abide people whinging about the gender of their children. They are a blessing, one that some people would give all their worldly goods for. If you have strong feelings about having boys or girls you're better off not bothering. Even if you could choose the gender, you can't choose the personality, can you? If the precious boy or girl arrives, will they be a major disappointment if they don't live the kind of life you have planned?

It's usually women longing for daughters isn't it? You just know they want to dress them up in pink shit and buy them ponies and princesses and paint their naile. Bleeuugghh.

Boys are brilliant. Girls are great. Babies are blessings whatever their reproductive organs.

[tethersend]

Right, well that's me off then.

Good to know that had I come to MN when I was in a very, very dark place and needed support, I would have been called an ungrateful, stupid, moronic freak.

Christ. This is the first time MN has genuinely upset me.

[pink4ever]

angrybeaver-did you not read my post before you made that daft comment?-I dont apologise for having a preference over the sex of my dcs even though I have suffered numerous losses. Sadly lifes a lot more complicated than that.

I do understand why someone struggling with infertility/pregnancy loss might feel anger towards such an attitude but really its not helpful.

[troisgarcons]

TBH, I have 3 boys. My husband really wanted a girl (hasnt forgiven his brother yet for not being a little sister!!!) but we had a lot of problems during the latter two pregnancies and 'wishes' go out of the window and you are grateful to be taking a baby home at the end of the day.

I have to say, on the third pregnancy I was dreading a girl upsetting the equilibrium of a male dominated house.

Anyway! there are always grandchildren to look forward to!!!! Apparently!

[ApocalypseCheeseToastie]

Erm.....say congratuations.

I have 3boy

[HerRoyalNotness]

Very good posts tethers.

It is completely irrational. Before DS2, i had 2 m/c, and even when I found out I was having another boy, I cried on/off at the slightest thing for FIVE days! It was COMPLETELY irrational. I couldn't control it, I'd be sitting on the loo, and start sobbing!! I always wonder if our lost babies would have been girls, and what DS2 would be like if he was a girl. He has the most gorgeous curls appearing, just like I had as a baby. I'll let him have long hair if he wants so he can show them off.

For me if I really deeply think about it, I'd like a girl to have the sort of relationship with her that I didn't have with my mother. My mother was crap with me and my brother is definitely her golden child. Perhaps this has shaped my feelings. The one thing I am truly envious of, is the fantastic relationships my friends have with their mothers as adults. I do know I can have this relationship with my two fabby boys as well. It's a bonus that I totally love Lego and cars!

I'd like to go for a third, but I need to get it straight in my mind, that it's a third child I'd like, therefore, I will be thinking long and hard about it over the next year before deciding or not. Once I've decided either way, there is no going back, I'm getting on a bit. But I think I wouldn't find out the sex of the baby until the birth.

[MrsCampbellBlack]

Tethers - your posts are spot on in my humble opinion.

Having a preference for a gender is not a crime - an awful lot of people have it but she will get over it.

Was only talking to someone at the weekend who'd just had her 3rd boy and she said she did feel sad for the daughter she'll never have. That does not devalue her sons at all - its just she would also have loved a daughter.

But gender preference is a big taboo as any posts on the subject on mn show.

[helpmabob]

I have sympathy for the very real pain women have suffered and feel sad at some of the stories on here. However, I don't understand why women who have been through so much pain would read a thread like this when it upsets them still further. Unfortunately gender disappointment is real and is suffered by many. It does not make them evil women or be deserving of "fuck off freaky mate". Like I said we all have issues we struggle with that others would not. Like those who moan about parents would seem pathetic to those grieving for parents. Gently helping with perspective is one thing, saying fuck off is just cruel.

[Iggi999]

We do not know she is depressed, or suffering from what would be defined as gender disappointment.
Tethersend if you'd had a thread back when you felt this way, it doesn't mean you'd have had the same reaction - different op, different reaction.
I do think people are entitled to point out how lucky anyone is to get any variety of baby. People can need both sympathy AND a sense of perspective, I think.

[GetAwayFromHerYouBitch]

TBH, I also chose not to have a third DC because I would have secretly wanted, at that point, a girl. And I didn't think that would have been at all fair.

I don't feel like that at all now - if I got pg accidentally and it was a boy I'd be thrilled. But as it turns out I didn't really feel very strongly about having 3 children and am very happy with 2 boys.

[helpmabob]

Oh and the reasons why people have gender preference are very deep and complicated as evidenced by some of the posts on here. I for one deeply deeply miss my mum so want another female relationship to fill the hole. For me it was all about grief that had not been addressed yet. You can't just dismiss peoples' feelings when they often are about very real issues underneath.

[GetAwayFromHerYouBitch]

so, I guess I'm saying, I don't think that she should have gone ahead with another pg knowing that she wanted a girl - trying for one gender, IMO is unfair.

[GetAwayFromHerYouBitch]

X post helpmabob. I agree. And at least the OPs friend has some time to address her feelings

[Robotindisguise]

Angrybeaver - competitive sadness is ridiculous. If everyone thought like that we'd all be skipping down the road every day because we didn't have smallpox. Life's not like that, you know it isn't.

SueNarmy - That is the least helpful and obtuse post I've read this week. Have a wooden spoon.