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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have no idea what to say to PG friend who is having her third boy?

303 replies

LittleOneMum · 30/09/2011 15:39

One of my very best friends has two boys, aged 1 and 4. I have two DCs too, same ages, but a DS (4) and DD (1). It was really nice being pg at the same time, our kids are close and until now, all well.
However, when we were both pg with DC2, she was desperate for a girl. Had a name all picked out, often spoke of organising her wedding day, etc. I was very relaxed and in my heart of hearts probably wanted another boy (but never said this).
Of course, scans showed she was having a boy and I was having a girl and she was pretty upset for a while. But she got over it and she loves her two boys and tbh my DD is pretty tomboy like so far...
Anyway, we've decided to stick with 2, and she decided to have a 3rd DC and this afternoon she rang me in tears to say that her scan showed it was a 3rd boy. She was beside herself with pain. I was totally rubbish, I didn't know what to say and although she is too nice to say so, I could so feel she was thinking "it's OK for you, you have a DD".
bloody blinking turnips what am I going to do? AIBU just to say nothing? I know that long term she will love her son, but she is in pain now and I am her friend. AAAAAARGH.

OP posts:
BatsUpMeNightie · 30/09/2011 18:37

Support her? You want advice on how to support her? You can start by not pandering to this extreme nonsense and then maybe finding a way of letting her meet some mums who have experienced real pain as so many have and continue to. If your OP is true I'm afraid it's made my piss boil. Shame on her and shame on you for not stopping it stone bloody dead.

Robotindisguise · 30/09/2011 18:37

"least helpful and most obtuse", I should say. Irritation affecting my syntax.

BatsUpMeNightie · 30/09/2011 18:38

Must have missed this - - "Gender Disappointment"?? You're having a laugh right? I've never heard such piffle in my life.

spookshowangellovesit · 30/09/2011 18:39

i am pg now and i want a boy my scan is on Wednesday. i am actually thrilled i want a boy given my upset last time and that i will be mildly disappointed if its not a boy because 2 girls and 2 boys would be nice. thats hardly the end of the world is it?
my predominant thoughts will all be about babies health and well being thoughts on gender are second for me this time round.

helpmabob · 30/09/2011 18:40

BatsUp I think you need to read Robotindisguise's post about competitive sadness. If we all went to Bangladesh we would experience hardships and problems far worse than practically anything on mumsnet but that does not make all the posts asking for advice and help invalid. How can anyone not understand this?

BatsUpMeNightie · 30/09/2011 18:43

And sorry to tethersend - I'm sorry you felt like that and normally I'm YY with almost everything you post.

To me this seems unintelligible.

helpmabob I'm not even thinking of competitive sadness (what a ridiculous term anyway) but there's nothing wrong with a little bit of counting one's blessings.

HerRoyalNotness · 30/09/2011 18:44

Indeed helpmabob, it's like being totally depressed because you've broken both your legs and you can't get around for 2mths, and someone saying, be grateful you've got legs. Nonsensical IMO.

helpmabob · 30/09/2011 18:45

But that is what I am trying to say HerRoyalNotness, it is nonsensical which is why it doesn't hurt to have some compassion for OP's friend and indeed help her to count her blessings.

HerRoyalNotness · 30/09/2011 18:47

I know I agree with you. Compassion and understanding, and a gentle bit of advice.

usualsuspect · 30/09/2011 18:48

I hate all the bloody competitive sadness and think yourself lucky posts on these threads

cerealqueen · 30/09/2011 18:49

Maybe I am being harsh but you can't pander to this or let her wallow in this 'pain'. She has two children, so many people would love, love, love to be in her position, and has been blessed with a third! She should read some of the threads on here where so many are not as fortunate.

Iggi999 · 30/09/2011 18:51

Tethersend was not the op. I think we should be allowed to respond to the scenario as given.
Why would someone who had already experienced such disappointment with dc#2, try for a third without first coming to terms with their feelings?

tethersend · 30/09/2011 18:52

The thing is Bats, it feels odd to me now. I look at DD and wonder how I could have ever not wanted her. How I could have felt anything but joy. But that's not how I felt when I was pg with her. I wasn't well.

I have just found out I'm pg again and I honestly do not care whether it's a boy or a girl. It feels amazing, and such a release.

The only reason I do not care about gender this time is because I dealt with my issues by asking for support first time round; and this time I am able to recognise any negative feelings for what they are -irrational.

BeerTricksPotter · 30/09/2011 18:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BikeRunSki · 30/09/2011 18:53

I don't knwo if this has been done, but this thread has lots of positive stories about having three boys.

tethersend · 30/09/2011 18:53

Thanks usual.

MrsCampbellBlack · 30/09/2011 18:55

Oh congratulations Tethers Grin

Looks forward to lots of maternity wardrobe planning on S&B Wink

MollyMurphy · 30/09/2011 18:59

How sad to be so upset about the gift of a healthy baby of whatever gender. I get having a bit of hope for a girl if you'd like to experience a daughter as well as a son but she is way over the top. I don't think I'd say anything because I'd probably just end up telling her off a bit TBH Hmm

pink4ever · 30/09/2011 19:03
rubyrubyruby · 30/09/2011 19:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

exoticfruits · 30/09/2011 19:07

I can't understand anyone getting into that state.
Planning their wedding when they aree a baby is utterly ridiculous! She may not get married, she may elope she may want not want her mother involved at all! They are not assessories -you only have to read MN to find that lots of women do not get on with their mothers-most especailly mothers who want to dress girls and go shopping!
I would distance yourself-commiserate,but if pushed remind her that a healthy baby is all anyone should want.

BeerTricksPotter · 30/09/2011 19:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tethersend · 30/09/2011 19:10

Good idea, pink. Seems like it's going to be the same stuff repeated over and over.

Thanks all for support- OP sorry for hijacking your thread with my own experiences. I hope your friend is ok, and gets the support she needs. You do sound like a very good friend indeed.

Northernlurker · 30/09/2011 19:16

Yes - could people just 'get' that this is something they may not 'get' but which causes those suffering it a lot of pain and therefore it's not the best topic to get the collective pitchfork out over?

It's not that same 'pain' as miscarriage or the death of a child. It's not the same pain as having a sick child or no child - but it still hurts the OP's friend, it hurt tethersend in the past and it's probably hurting lurking women right now so maybe a half inch of compassion would go a long way here!

TheOriginalFAB · 30/09/2011 19:17

tethersnd PND is not an irrational reaction Shock.

I was the wrong sex, my mother was so not happy about me being a girl that she left me on a doorstep. It made me want just boys.