to have no idea what to say to PG friend who is having her third boy?

[LittleOneMum]

One of my very best friends has two boys, aged 1 and 4. I have two DCs too, same ages, but a DS (4) and DD (1). It was really nice being pg at the same time, our kids are close and until now, all well.
However, when we were both pg with DC2, she was desperate for a girl. Had a name all picked out, often spoke of organising her wedding day, etc. I was very relaxed and in my heart of hearts probably wanted another boy (but never said this).
Of course, scans showed she was having a boy and I was having a girl and she was pretty upset for a while. But she got over it and she loves her two boys and tbh my DD is pretty tomboy like so far...
Anyway, we've decided to stick with 2, and she decided to have a 3rd DC and this afternoon she rang me in tears to say that her scan showed it was a 3rd boy. She was beside herself with pain. I was totally rubbish, I didn't know what to say and although she is too nice to say so, I could so feel she was thinking "it's OK for you, you have a DD".
bloody blinking turnips what am I going to do? AIBU just to say nothing? I know that long term she will love her son, but she is in pain now and I am her friend. AAAAAARGH.

[tethersend]

FFS

[Almostfifty]

I've got four of the little bleeders. Wouldn't swap anyone of them for a girl.

A pal of mine got all upset when she found out she wasn't having a third girl, but a boy of all things. I was extremely short with her.

Why do so many people get an idealised view of gender?

[tethersend]

Really? Would you also end the friendship if she was happy with a boy whilst pg but then got PND and said she didn't love him?

[sportsfanatic]

I am trying not to be close minded but accept I may well be, but I just feel so sorry for any child born to a mother who wanted the other sex, just as I feel sorry for mothers who have such a close-minded view of what a boy or girl should be like. Planning her daughter's wedding for FFS - la la land.

[scarlettsmummy2]

There really isn't very much you can say is there.

Mother in law didn't pick my brother in law, her second son, up until he was a week old she was so devastated he wasn't a girl. And even then I think she only did as my father in law told her he should be going into a psychiatric ward if she didn't get a grip. On a positive note, she did get over it.

My husband and I then went on to have a girl, and she obviously now loves playing princesses etc with her and acting out her weird fantasies with her- it doesn't bother me as it keeps her happy and Scarlett is a complete tomboy so Mil is fighting a losing battle!

[valiumredhead]

You can't equate PND and rejection of a baby to preference of gender!

[tethersend]

But sports, my DD was born to a mother who wanted the other sex (or at least thought she did)- and she is more loved and cherished than anything on earth.

Experiencing gender disappointment does not mean you cannot love your child.

[tethersend]

"You can't equate PND and rejection of a baby to preference of gender!"

I'm not. I'm relating gender disappointment to PND. Both are irrational reactions.

[GetAwayFromHerYouBitch]

A friend of mine felt like this, but it was just something she went through briefly during her pregnancy, and got over fairly quickly at that.

I have sympathy with this quote from coccyx "If she thought she was going to over react to fact it is a boy then she should never have tried for a third child.
Was never a certainty."

But if she's not allowed to have "unreasonable" emotional reactions with her good friend, whilst hormonal, then who is she allowed to have them with?

(mum of two boys)

[valiumredhead]

PND is NOT an irrational reaction.

[tethersend]

Yes, it is. I have had it.

Feeling like you don't love your child and want to end it all is not a rational reaction to giving birth to a healthy baby.

[GetAwayFromHerYouBitch]

I think the reaction of us MOBS to this is a little skewed and defensive because you rarely get to hear about mums being disappointed to have 3 girls, and it's horrible to think of people rejecting boys just on the basis of gender. Those of us with more than one know how very different to each other they are.

[helpmabob]

Antenatal depression is far more common than pnd. Hormones can really mess you up so I say have sympathy, be there as an ear and try to help her put it into perspective. Not that I am saying it is depression but pregnancy escaltes feelings and emotions so I don't think you should be hard on her.

[valiumredhead]

PND - rejection of baby caused by post natal illness/chemical imbalance.

Gender preference - caused by what? Being choosy? That's flippant but that's the only way I can think to describe it.

[DontTellAnyonebut]

Be there for her and help her come to terms before her son is born. I had mild gender disappointment with both mine (wanted a son at first, but had my daughter, then wanted another girl but had a boy). Am so madly in love with both my children now (and was iwthin minutes of meeting them) that i am quite intrigued that my initial reactions were of disappointment.

[helpmabob]

If it was just a question of being choosy then the OP's friend would be having a sulk and not genuinely upset.

We all get upset over things other people would not give two hoots about, that does not deny the strength of feeling

[Northernlurker]

Look we all have dreams for our children. Things we think they'll do or be or that we can share with them. Some of those dreams involve the gender of the child. Is it really so hard to believe that when dream and reality has a mismatch there may be fall-out (in more ways than one! )

I have never seen anybody argue that gender disappointment is a good way to feel. But it is a very real way to feel and all this thread is doing atm is making anybody who may have felt it feel like shit. Is that really what we want to do?

[sportsfanatic]

thethersend I realise it doesn't stop you loving your child, but women with preconceived notions about the future of the child e.g. planning a wedding years in the future in the OP's example, is worrying. The subtle influences that conditioning can have on a boy or girl's development and personality if they are the "wrong" sex, however much loved they are is the potential problem.

I concede I am probably biased about this attitude - having a grandchild so disabled that his mother's life is now a train wreck probably makes me less than my usual more tolerant self when it come to anyone being distraught because a child is the 'wrong' sex.

By the way I agree with valium, PND is not an irrational reaction - it is a well defined illness.

[valiumredhead]

I just see it as a huge luxury to be ably to indulge in feeling in pain about gender preference. PND disappointment cannot be compared.

[helpmabob]

AND is also a well defined illness

[ShowOfHands]

You give your friend a cuddle and reassure her. She isn't thinking rationally. Gender disappointment doesn't know rationality. But aibu won't help you with this because people attack it from the standpoint of never having been through it.

It's not about the boy she's having, it's not even really about a girl she isn't having, it's about a visceral reaction that she herself doesn't even want. You can't berate her for it, you can only help her come through the other side of it.

[tethersend]

PND is a well defined illness. One which causes irrational reactions.

You understand that a mother with PND who says she does not love her child needs help.

You don't write her off as ungrateful.

Gender disappointment is also a recognised condition.

[tethersend]

Well said SoH