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AIBU?

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Original poster

That my DC's are not invited to my brothers wedding

335 replies

Siszilla · 27/09/2011 23:56

yes another childfree wedding thread....
We have attended a few child-free weddings and it was lovely to leave my DCs(4and2) with relatives at home to enjoy them. But, my DB is getting married and as most of his friends are already married with children, inviting all would mean 30+ kids at the wedding, which I do get. So friends babies are invited but not my DC's.

I am the only sibling and we live in London and their wedding is in Devon, so that means 3 days away and childcare needed for duration ( available childcare will more than likely be at the wedding) apart from elderly MIL who I wouldn't dream of leaving my DC's for 3 days with. What do I do, declining an invite is not an option. I have spoken to my DB but he is firm ' i have enough notice to get it sorted!'

OP posts:
LittleMissWoodscommaElle · 28/09/2011 10:15

Aside from the breastfeeding issue its easier to get a newborn babysat than a 2 year old due to attachement issues etc. DD would have been fine, she would go to anyone but there is no way ds would have.

Its why childminders and nurseries have settling in periods where you stay/leave them for 1 hour/a few hours etc.

I would not have been prepared to have left mine with an unknown babysitter who I had not been able to meet, check references and see how they interact with my children first. All things impossible to do if said babysitter is in Devon and OP is in Londond.

Besides its actually really difficult to get childcare like that. Devon is quite a different place to a big city like London. I know dh's best friend's wedding was the middle of nowhere.

stressheaderic · 28/09/2011 10:16

I don't get the whole "just book a babysitter" stance. I really don't like leaving my children with strangers, regardless of how qualified they are.

fatlazymummy · 28/09/2011 10:16

Or 4. she could just say 'sorry I can't attend, due to lack of childcare arrangements'.
No fuss, no hooha.

LittleMissWoodscommaElle · 28/09/2011 10:20

Besides the OP has offered to get childcare arranged for part of the day at the venue just not for the whole 3 day shebang of "family activities"

exorbitclamp · 28/09/2011 10:23

There would be no chance my painfully shy two year old would have stayed with an unknown babysitter for a day. Staying with grandparents for three days has only been managed fairly recently at the grand old age of nine!

akaemmafrost · 28/09/2011 10:56

I think people who have child free weddings are selfish, self centred, clueless, cold hearted twats!

There I said it, I have been reading threads about child free weddings here on MN for five years now and never post because of all the "your wedding, your choice blah, blah, blah" responses.

OP YANBU and I would not go to this wedding brother or not.

marge2 · 28/09/2011 11:00

If it was no kids at all I'd not feel to bad about it. However YANBU. I'd be bloody annoyed too, if other kids were going, but mine were not allowed.

TandB · 28/09/2011 11:02

I generally don't get the wailing and gnashing of teeth that goes on when someone wants a child-free wedding. My usual view is that it is up to the couple to decide what they want, with the proviso that they then can't throw a hissy fit if people don't want to, or aren't able to come.

However, this does seem a bit pig-headed on the part of the couple involved - the OP is clearly an important part of the wedding and is even contributing in terms of making the cake. I think this is a situation where the couple really need to think about making an exception - there is nothing wrong with saying children of close family only.

I would suggest asking your parents to have a non-confrontational word with your brother - simply making it clear that you are in a very difficult situation and solutions that may seem simple to them aren't actually workable.

Alternatively, email your brother with something along the lines of "just to give you a heads-up, the childcare is looking impossible so you may need to have a re-think about the cake as it doesn't look like I will be able to attend" and see what he says.

I am as relaxed as they come about childcare - DS has stayed with family members and been babysat by friends with no problems. However, I certainly wouldn't leave him with a stranger for 3 days and I would take some persuading to simply hand him over to a paid babysitter for a whole day without any idea of how he was going to react.

NestaFiesta · 28/09/2011 11:03

Bubbaluv- but the babysitter will be someone who doesn't know the kids. A 2 yo and 4yo can be hard to leave with people they don't know. Also I personally couldn't relax if I'd rented a stranger to mind my kids so I could enjoy a wedding.

Leaving them with a relative would be the ideal but since it's a wedding, the rellies will be at the wedding themselves.

OP- it's good to have your Mum on board with you as she can perhaps explain to your childless brother and his bridezilla how these things work.

NestaFiesta · 28/09/2011 11:04

By the way, I've nothing against using babysitters but when I do it's usually a relative or long term best friend who knows my kids well.

ShowOfHands · 28/09/2011 11:10

I do hope you get this sorted. My brother got married 4 years ago and dd wasn't invited (bf baby in arms). His friends' children were because- and I quote- 'they're important to us'. They also took their own bf baby with them. They didn't want dd there in case she got upset and ruined things.

There was a LOT of fallout and in the end dd did go but neither she nor I are in any of the pictures and sil maintains that dd's presence (she slept throughout) ruined her day.

The feelings of resentment are still there. I do hope you don't end up with a similar situation.

CristinadellaPizza · 28/09/2011 11:12

I have had to leave DS with a sitter I didn't know because it was a work crisis and I hadn't any other choice but I wouldn't for a wedding. Especially not a wedding of a sibling.

I generally don't take DS to weddings unless I can possibly help it but if one of my siblings were to marry again, I would be very hurt if DS wasn't invited. As would he.

minipie · 28/09/2011 11:21

I don't think you can dictate to them that they must invite your DCs.

however I do think that you can spell out to them the consequences of that decision - i.e. you will not be able to make the cake, or stay for the lunch, and in fact you might not be able to attend at all.

Hopefully that will make them re-think. If it doesn't - well they clearly aren't that bothered about making it possible for you to be there, so feel free not to go...

NestaFiesta · 28/09/2011 11:23

ShowofHands- that's awful treatment, I'm so sorry.

CristinadellaPizza · 28/09/2011 11:26

That's horrible SoH :( I don't understand how someone can be so mean and have such a distorted view of the world

Hullygully · 28/09/2011 11:32

I am constantly astonished by the amount of Total Arseholes in the world.

Bubbaluv · 28/09/2011 11:33

I do recognize that some people don't like leaving children with people they don't know (as illogical as it seems to me) and that's OK, but for the sake of good family relations surely this one time an exception could be made?

Maybe I'm just finding it hard to relate because I am completely comfortable leaving my kids with just about anyone I have reason to believe is capable and caring (and then I run for the hills grinning like a loon and kicking my heels together!) Grin Wink

LittleMissWoodscommaElle · 28/09/2011 11:35

For the sake of good family relations the happy couple could agree to the perfectly reasonable compromise the OP has suggested. (kids left with a sitter for part of the day)

ShowOfHands · 28/09/2011 11:37

I think in my case it came from sil. Well I know it did. She had a new baby herself and I don't think she can have been particularly well to have behaved the way she did. I feel a bit sad about the whole thing but more worried about sil's mental health throughout than anything else.

FabbyChic · 28/09/2011 11:39

Look for childcare in Devon, your children only need looking after the day of the wedding.

NestaFiesta · 28/09/2011 11:39

I agree with every word that kungfupanda wrote.

DumSpiroSpero · 28/09/2011 11:48

I would add that my best friend had a child free wedding last year but still invited my DD and her other god-daughter and her little brother.

She and her DH have no nieces and nephews but plenty of very close friends with children (including one of her adult bridesmaids).

If she could make an exception for her god-children I'm pretty sure your brother could make an exception for your children.

ENormaSnob · 28/09/2011 11:49

Fabby, would you have left yours with a complete stranger for the sake of a wedding?

I wouldn't.

Regardless of qualifications.

Bubbaluv · 28/09/2011 11:51

I would for afternoon tea!

ballstoit · 28/09/2011 11:53

Bubaluv - I'm generally pretty chilled about who cares for the DC...but I wouldnt leave them for 3 days while I was 5 hours drive away. The STBSIL has said she doesn't want the ops DC at the venue at all. If she was happy for them to be babysat for the day, that would be slightly different IMO, but who asks for their nieces and nephews to be left with a stranger for 3 days?

I've been to several childfree weddings since having my DC. At most of them there have been some children at the wedding who are close relatives of the bride and groom. I can understand a colleague or old friend not wanting my DC, who they haven't met, coming to their wedding. I wouldn't question why mine hadn't been invited when family children had. I think the ops brother is a bit misguided if he thinks his friends would be upset by the ops children attending the wedding.