Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 13 14

Original poster

That my DC's are not invited to my brothers wedding

335 replies

Siszilla · 27/09/2011 23:56

yes another childfree wedding thread....
We have attended a few child-free weddings and it was lovely to leave my DCs(4and2) with relatives at home to enjoy them. But, my DB is getting married and as most of his friends are already married with children, inviting all would mean 30+ kids at the wedding, which I do get. So friends babies are invited but not my DC's.

I am the only sibling and we live in London and their wedding is in Devon, so that means 3 days away and childcare needed for duration ( available childcare will more than likely be at the wedding) apart from elderly MIL who I wouldn't dream of leaving my DC's for 3 days with. What do I do, declining an invite is not an option. I have spoken to my DB but he is firm ' i have enough notice to get it sorted!'

OP posts:

Pudding2be · 28/09/2011 08:51

And as for expecting your DSIL to spend three days looking after two children when she has a newborn. Are they fucking real????

Utter morons, sorry op I know he is your brother but come on

Hullygully · 28/09/2011 08:57

Tell him to fuck off

FFS

Merrylegs · 28/09/2011 09:01

Am looking forward to seeing you on the 'mad SIL' threads in the near future OP. There are lots of them about!

(You say you don't want to cause a family drama by telling your brother your true thoughts but actually, the drama has already been created - by him. Imagine how much more of a drama it will be when/if you turn up without your parents grandchildren. You really must tell them now.)

Sewmuchtodo · 28/09/2011 09:01

How sad :(

My Dsis is getting married next year and our kids are the (mini) usher and flowergirl. My siblings would never exclude them but my parents would not be helping to pay for anything if there was so much as a suggestion of exclusion!

Does your SIL to be have nieces or nephews on her side of the family?

How on earth can there be a post wedding 'family' lunch with your family excluded?

I would also be more worried about my colic ridden baby spoiling a wedding at the minute than any two or four year old.

Sewmuchtodo · 28/09/2011 09:09

P.s. DH and I have been to many a child free wedding (and like you love a day without the kids) but never would I have taken offence if the only kids there were family of the bride and groom.......I would be more if they were not there!

Also just seen the other sis has a baby.....how very convenient! Seen as you have 'so long to sort it out' will her baby still be young enough???

Also explain to your parents (in passing...'oh I still have no idea who will keep the kids for DB's wedding weekend' etc...) that your kids are not invited to see if they know or not.......it could make all the difference!

TheRealMrsHannigan · 28/09/2011 09:15

Your DB and his wife to be are being incredibly rude. I understand a 'no DC' wedding, but not when that child is your niece/nephew! Surely an exception should be made?

I would refuse to make his cake and tell him and his bridezilla to stick their wedding and the 'family lunch' up their jacksies.

Churlish but called for IMO.

Aftereightsaremine · 28/09/2011 09:19

The real question is, do you want to go? If you do then I would tell your dbro that you were taking your dcs with you & that dsil has plenty of time to get used to the idea!

That's what I would do anyway... But then I'm mean.

bluelaguna · 28/09/2011 09:22

I have had my fill of people who are rude, arrogant and selfish.

With that in mind, I would tell him he has plenty of time to sort his wedding cake as you are not able to do it.

You say that declining is not an option. It is an option and perhaps one you need to consider. Or, how about a D&V virus.

I would not tolerate this behaviour. The reason is because I have tolerated such behaviour in the past and if you do everything asked of you with good grace, rather than being grateful, these people think it is a green light to ask for more. Put a stop to it!

NinkyNonker · 28/09/2011 09:22

I think BalloonSlayer's response is the best.

minervaitalica · 28/09/2011 09:24

My Dsis is also getting married next year, and she is definitely turning into a bit of a bridezilla. However, if she tried to exclude my DD from it during a 3 days wedding, and still wanted me to do the cake I would tell her where to go BIG time. It does not take a genius to understand that the logistics of this is ridiculous. I also cannot believe all the other friends will happily oblige, unless they have teenagers or very hands on grandparents.

This is is taking the pi** big time - do not be a doormat.

Appuskidu · 28/09/2011 09:30

It sounds like your 'SIL to be' isn't very keen on you otherwise she'd be making exceptions-that is just horrid that her sister is going with her baby.

The reason that most friends enjoy child-free weddings is that their families aren't generally invited so they have all manner of relatives to bribe/cajole/persuade to look after the kids. When it's a family wedding-most people you could leave them with will be at the wedding themselves, so it leaves your options limited.

Have you told your parents that your kids aren't invited? If not why?
Have you told your brother that it's irrelevent how long he gives you-you still haven't got anyone prepared to have your kids for this long.

I don't think anybody-seriously-would think you were creating a family feud by saying that you had no childcare, so as your kids weren't invited-you would have to decline. Most people would be thinking-hey that's a bit harsh or bride/groom to expect you to come all that way when you MIL can't have them and your SIL has a newborn (honestly-did they really think that was a good idea?!)

I would tell your parents what you are going to do and they decline with a note saying that you will stiill make the cake, but obviously they will ahve to collect it from you and assemble it yourself.

I think they will come out looking odd, to be honest.

starfishmummy · 28/09/2011 09:32

Your brother is being extremely unreasonable about this imo. He risks starting a big family rift here.

I can understand that he can't doesn't want to invite 30 children, but this is his nephew/nieces and not random friends's kids.

I would not be going and he would be looking for another cake. In fact I might only be telling him right at the last moment, and then telling him to go to the nearest supermarket for his cake, as it won't take long, he has time to sort it

NestaFiesta · 28/09/2011 09:41

YANBU. Ask your brother who he thinks you can leave them with. He probably imagines some neighbour or rent-a-nanny. You need to explain to him that life with kids is not how he imagines it. He and bridezilla haven't a clue.

When my DB got married, he invited family children only and nobody had a problem with it. He had my DS (then 2) in some lovely photos and provided highchairs etc. THAT's how to do it.

I am fine about child free weddings, I can always decline if I can't get childcare, but immediate family is different. Especially if you are saving them about £400 by providing the cake!

Bubbaluv · 28/09/2011 09:47

Do they not have babysitters in Devon?

I fail to see what the big deal is. Book a babysitter for the wedding day. Problem solved.

Take the kids along the next day to mingle with family etc.

I admit I have only skim read the thread, so if I have missed something that makes my response look ridiculous them I apologize in advance! (which is quicker than reading everything).

fatlazymummy · 28/09/2011 09:49

I just wouldn't go. I wouldn't have paid for childcare for 3 days, or left them for that long. And it isn't up to anyone else to try and dictate your childcare arrangements, even if they are getting married. Personally I wouldn't give up 3 days of my life to someone else's wedding anyway. It's up to the bride and groom if they want to turn their wedding into an 'event' where they are the 'centre of attention' but I wouldn't be participating.

fatlazymummy · 28/09/2011 09:51

bubbaluv some people just don't feel comfortable getting total strangers to babysit their children.

Bubbaluv · 28/09/2011 09:54

it should be a lovely day celebrating involving the whole family

Actually I think it should be the one day of their lives where they get to have everything just as they like.
Obviously it would be more convenient for you if your children could come along and maybe your parents would prefer it that way, but surely if they want a child-free wedding then booking a babysitter for a day is not such a disaster?

anewmotivatedme · 28/09/2011 09:55

We had a childfree wedding, with nephews and nieces as the exception (there were only two). Friends and cousins etc. did not have invites for their children. They all lived locally, and arranged childcare for the day.

DH's cousin got married recently, and it was a four hour drive, and children were not invited. We made a short holiday of it. We caught up with family the night before, and DH's cousin said to bring the children to the church, they watched the service, threw some confetti, and then we said our goodbyes, and I had a lovely day out with children after (fed the ducks in park), and DH enjoyed the wedding. DH's cousin also asked us to bring children to night party, which they enjoyed, although we did not stay late. It was a happy compromise.

Perhaps you could suggest that you go, but not your husband? But that he will stay locally, and bring the children to church.

sue52 · 28/09/2011 09:55

I wouldn't go. There is no way I would have left my children for 3 days or with a stranger. If your brother doesn't understand this now, he will when he has children of his own.

ENormaSnob · 28/09/2011 09:56

I would decline and tell them to sort their own cake.

Bubbaluv · 28/09/2011 09:59

They aren't newborns Fatlazy, (I feel rude calling you that!), surely there is time to find an experienced babysitter with good references before the wedding? I wasn't suggsesting they put an ad on Gumtree and take the first person who calls.

LittleMissWoodscommaElle · 28/09/2011 10:02

I said it earlier but he really is treating your children like a dog you can book into kennels.

When dh's best freind got married (in Devon oddly enough) we had the best of both worlds. Dh was best man and the childrne were invoted to the ceremony and meal. Then my parents who had travelled with us picked the kids up from the hotel so we could enjoy the evening. DS was breastfed but I was able to express.

Had the children not been invited we would not have been able to go full stop.

The compromise that anewmotivated me details also sounds ideal and reasonable.

fatlazymummy · 28/09/2011 10:10

bubbaluv I personally wouldn't book a babysitter other than family or someone that I knew very well. My choice, and if one of those people weren't available then I would decline the invitation. It's not up to other people to decide who is a suitable babysitter for anyone else's children.

Bubbaluv · 28/09/2011 10:13

So basically, your choices are:

Make a massive hoo hah out of it and have your DB think you're horrible.
Come up with a complicated arrangement whereby your DH misses much of the action and there is much tooing and froing.
Book a babysitter, be gracious about it being their day not yours and maybe even have fun!

I know I'm putting my own spin on these options and I will never understand people who refuse to use babysitters which skews my view. But at the end of the day if you make a fuss no one wins.

Original poster

Siszilla · 28/09/2011 10:15

Thank you all, it has really helped. I have spoken to my Mum who is very cross as she is contributing too and it strikes us both odd that family ( inckuding aunts and uncles we don't see) are invited but not close family children. Mum is going to have a word with DB without creating a drama as we really don't think they 'get' that children can't be just left somewhere and is upset that any family occasion and photos won't include grandchildren. DH has to attend as he and DB are close and my DH is an integral part of our whole family.

I agree it is their day but why invite lots of people to enjoy it with them if those people actually can't, might as well just get married by themselves. They must travel with us so I will put my foot down and will look into if I can sort out a babysitter/ nanny at the venue for part of the day and evening.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 13 14