That my DC's are not invited to my brothers wedding

[Siszilla]

yes another childfree wedding thread....
We have attended a few child-free weddings and it was lovely to leave my DCs(4and2) with relatives at home to enjoy them. But, my DB is getting married and as most of his friends are already married with children, inviting all would mean 30+ kids at the wedding, which I do get. So friends babies are invited but not my DC's.

I am the only sibling and we live in London and their wedding is in Devon, so that means 3 days away and childcare needed for duration ( available childcare will more than likely be at the wedding) apart from elderly MIL who I wouldn't dream of leaving my DC's for 3 days with. What do I do, declining an invite is not an option. I have spoken to my DB but he is firm ' i have enough notice to get it sorted!'

Why is the bride a bridezilla just because she does not want children at her wedding. What about guestzillas, or parentzillas who think weddings should revolve around them. Maybe she has too much experience of parentzillas who think it is acceptable to let the children talk, or play during the ceremony and do not take them outside, and them harp on about how weddings about about the kiddies anyway. It generally is not the children who are the problem, but their parents.
I will just say I had children at my wedding, and made a point of organising stuff for them (party bags, games etc) as I think children at a wedding are sweet. However they were all well behaved, and if I knew they were brats generally or had bad parents who let them do what they want I would have had a child free wedding. We did just say that if babies were crying could they be taken out fo the church - the only person who complained about this was the only person who banned children from her own wedding. Also we are not big drinkers so although there was alcohol, it was not the sort of wedding where people were drunk so children were fine in the evening too.
Has Db actually given a reason why children are not invited. Could you agree to take them out if they are noisy etc? Also are you staying at the venue, because if you are it would be odd to leave the children shut up in their rooms all day.

SoH, I agree, that's bloody awful treatment and I would have just told them to f off if that's the way they felt.

I do feel that a child-free wedding really is a piss-up with friends, whereas one with DCs is a family occasion where the fun is maybe tamer but just as real. How old is your DB? Is it that he's never grown out of the drunken debauchery stage of his life. My DP had a late one last Thursday and came home the next day looking as rough as he (apparently) felt, saying 'I'm too old for this'. He's 41.

Obviously some children are happy to be left with whoever is around, but not all are as chilled out as that. What happens if the sitter is booked for the wedding day but the children take one look and freak out. What do you do, go happily to the wedding knowing your children are distressed or not go having paid out (I imagine) a huge amount of money to attend. And all this worry for an event which should be about celebrating with your family. Its crap.

I really feel for you OP and i hope that you can come up with a solution though if your sister in law is calling the shots on this (with your DB in tow), I suspect that she may not be happy to back down and it may become a power struggle.

I did back down in a similar situation. My DDs were very much looking forward to my brother's wedding but we were told that they could not attend the reception for which their dresses had already been made (and paid for by my DM). This was a few weeks before the wedding. DDs were extremely upset. I said nothing but sorted out the practicalities. I booked a room for the evening in the extremely swanky 5 star London hotel where the reception was being held and paid a babysitter to look after them (little change from £400).

To my shock, sister in law who has a large family (but no other nephews or nieces) had invited her all her cousins' children (similar ages to mine) who ran around for the entire meal and disrupted the speeches. I do think it is unfair also that your DB's other niece is coming 'because she's a baby".

One of my DD's cried so much with the babysitter that I spent most of the evening in the room with her.

It was a truly miserable experience.

And now that my sister in law and brother have their own DC, i think they would be mortally offended were I to suggest that their DC not be invited to such an event.

With the benefit of hindsight though, I think I did the right thing. I did not want to have bad feeling before their special day which they had devoted months to arrange.

Some people hire nannies for weddings if there are a few children. Why do you not ask for the contact details of other parents going to the wedding, and suggest you all take the children and club together for a nanny to look after them for the day.

Ballstoit - nor would I., That's not what I suggsted.

Exorbitclamp - The OP has not said her children are afraid of strangers - if she had then I would accept that as a totally logical reason why the babysitting option would be out. If my (normally chilled) children freaked out when the babysitter arrived I would stay longer to calm them down. Then leave and stay nearby and ask the sitter to text me once things were totally under control and then YES I would relax and go to the wedding. Lots of kids freak out when their parents leave, but most pull it together once Mum is out of sight. Haven't you seen it at nurseries/schools etc?

But like I've said. I DO understand that some people could not relax in this way.

OP
I had this same issue with my sister when she was getting married (only to find out later down the line that my other sister's children went)

What age do your DB and STBSIL draw th line? How do they define what is a baby and allowed to attend at what it too old and therefore not?
Some 2year olds still BF so does that mean that they would be able to attend or is it just babes in arms? That said, some children dont walk til 18months - I was one myself! Does that mean that they would be allowed?!

Child free weddings are quite popular now. I've been invited to three this last year. Unfortunately, one was my own DBs so only I could go. My children and husband had to stay home to look after them!

Bubbuluv, no you are right OP did not say this, just giving an example of why babysitters aren't always the easy choice for some. And yes most shy children will eventually cope with nurseries/school but that is long term and needs persevering with. (Although can still be mighty challenging and heartbreaking). As I said this is supposed to be a lovely family event, not a time for OP to be making these choices. As for what I would do OP, leave your OH at home, although you say he is integral to matters it is your brother and your family.

YANBU. 3 days is too long. They are being unreasonable. Agree with others that you should go alone, or don't make the cake or attend the family meal the day after and just go to the actual day.

A friend of mine didn't invite any of her siblings' children to her recent wedding (in a different country from her siblings) - her siblings all attended alone without their partners. I think it's really horrible.

I bet bet bet there are some little bridesmaids the same age as your dc.

I would just send a 'regrets' card. Let them come to you about the cake logistics.

I would just say that your are very sorry you cant come. If NO children were invited then I would probably look into a baby sitter but since some are just not yours I would probably not go out of my way. Its different if you live in the same town but with the logistics of getting there etc its a bit much to ask you to go, make the cake and also organize and pay for outside babysitters.

Tell him to piss off and that hopefully one day he and his new wife will understand why!

Dh and I were invited to the wedding of his closest friend. When they invited us, the bride and groom said that the invitation was just for us, not the three dses too, because they wouldn't have room at the venue for everyone they wanted if all their dc came too. This was utterly fine by us - we organised a friend to babysit the boys, drove up very early and came back down, getting home after midnight, but it worked fine for us.

There were children at the wedding - close relatives of the bride and groom, and I didn't hear a single murmur about it being unfair that these dc were there when friends' dc weren't. I certainly didn't feel offended in any way at all - I completely understood. Wouldn't most people react reasonably in a similar situation?

Poor you. To not go would cause much bad feeling.

I think you should take MIL and attend the wedding, but miss the day after lunch. Tell them you're taking your boys and granny out for a family day, as they missed out on the wedding. Relax and enjoy the wedding day.

It the couple ever have children themselves, they will may be "get it" and realise how harsh they were.

IMO there's no point in falling out over it.

I don't think there's a win win outcome here. My sister did invite my kids to her wedding, just 2 and 3.5 at the time. I was aware that she did not approve of kids at weddings and from the lack of kids there I suspect she told others not to bring theirs. She invited mine because I think my family would have been horrified to the extent of not coming if she did not.

However there is a limit to what behaviour you can expect of children that age. Mine didn't scream, run about (or even move much) or cry but they did stand on their chairs so they could see and talk a bit. They were angels the rest of the day and had a big sleep before dinner so they were good into the evening too. Since the wedding she has often said how they 'ruined' their service to the extent that she can't bear to watch the DVD and what a waste of money videoing it was. She hasn't watched the DVD and I wish she would so she can see that they weren't that bad. TBH I wish she hadn't invited them to the service at all if that was what she was going to be like.

She might understand one day if she has kids. I have taken babies to lots of weddings and they are much easier. Either you manipulate their schedule to make sure they are asleep or you don't even try and take them in and one of us stays outside. Simples.

Makes me laugh how people without children seem to think children are objects that can be deposited with any old stranger to be watched! We put DS (nearly 2 at the time) in a crèche on holiday and 1 1/2 hours was his limit before he cried for us. 3 days would be out of the bloody question!

I understand the 'my wedding, my rules' but seriously, how can people enjoy their day knowing they are inconveniencing people so much.

Sounds like your mum is going to have some pretty stern words with your brother so this may resolve itself. If you do decide to get a babysitter for some of it then ask your brother to pay some of it or you might have to charge him for the cake...

The more I hear about this the crosser I get. Your SIL2B's DN is invited as (s)he is a baby but your kids aren't? Sounds like SIL2B is fixing things to exclude you. The "your wedding, your choice" thing only works where it is operated fairly. Here relatives in a similar position are being treated differently. Very mean.

Hopefully your mum will be able to get them to see the light. If not I actually think I wouldn't bother with a babysitter now. Just politely decline and wait for the proverbial to hit the fan. I also wouldn't bother with the cake unless you want to give that in lieu of a present.

I am pretty relaxed re: childcare as well, and I have left DD with a "new" babysitter for a couple of hours at a wedding during the evening do (my choice, not the couple's request, btw).

Here the children are not even invited to the family (!) lunch the day after the wedding, meaning that a babysitter would be required for a lot longer. So the OP would have to take her children, drive them down to Devon to leave them with a "new" babysitter during a family do over 3 days (excluded whilst other family children/babies can go). Any compromise suggested by the OP has been refused, remember.

Maybe I is thick but I cannot see this from any "reasonable" angle. I hope your DB will see some sense OP once he has spoken to your mother. Otherwise I would probably not go (frankly, in this situation my DD would be upset and I really would resent being at the do given the situation).

Oh dear SOH , Artigiano that is my fear, I really hope we all come out of this in a good way. i really feel for you both.

Yes Mrs Wembley , i suspect the adult only is because my DB hasn't really grown up, he is 40 my Dsil will be 32, not that age has anything to do with it but all of his friends have been married kids etc for so long whilst my DB has been single, he just wants a big party. I am more than prepared to hire a good nanny for the evening and ceremony as my DC's do settle but I can't leave them for 3 days and even a whole day somewhere at the venue may be a bit much.

I asked today if they could eat at the reception with us and that I would pay for them, but was told no they would disrupt the speeches so my only compromise at the moment is to bring them with us and have a nanny all day and evening, but DB is still saying I should leave them at home.

I would rather work to a better solution so thank you for your comments it is helpful to know I am NBU.

The more you post, the more of an arse he sounds OP.

i would find out how much a sitter/nany would be for 3 days and send the bill to your brother! ;) if me i would rather not go 1 day or overnight would be ok at a push but not for 3 days even now and mine are 14,12 & 9

^nanny!

The more you post the more I think you should decline.

And tell him to shove the cake up his shitter.

Take them to the venue (i assume it is a hotel where you are all staying), and get together with the other parents and hire a nanny. You could also look into not staying at the venue, but hiring a cottage or something with another family or two, that way you can hire a nanny to stay there and the children will have more room to play rather than being stuck in a hotel room. It might even be cheaper than a hotel room as you can do self catering the rest of the time. The children might have a better time of it if they can race around (get take out pizza) and it is made a bit like a day long party for them, than if they are stuck listening to a load of adults make speeches.
I really do not see how DB can expect you to find a sitter for three days, and it really is not up to him to tell SIL she has to look after her own children inc. new born, and his neices and nephews because he wants to have a three day piss up. I suspect that if parents bring their children, they will want to go back early and not get hammered so he will blame the children for spoiling his fun.