Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 13 14

Original poster

That my DC's are not invited to my brothers wedding

335 replies

Siszilla · 27/09/2011 23:56

yes another childfree wedding thread....
We have attended a few child-free weddings and it was lovely to leave my DCs(4and2) with relatives at home to enjoy them. But, my DB is getting married and as most of his friends are already married with children, inviting all would mean 30+ kids at the wedding, which I do get. So friends babies are invited but not my DC's.

I am the only sibling and we live in London and their wedding is in Devon, so that means 3 days away and childcare needed for duration ( available childcare will more than likely be at the wedding) apart from elderly MIL who I wouldn't dream of leaving my DC's for 3 days with. What do I do, declining an invite is not an option. I have spoken to my DB but he is firm ' i have enough notice to get it sorted!'

OP posts:

Jacksmania · 28/09/2011 03:26

Maybe I missed it, but WHY are the OP's children the only ones not invited??

MrsWembley · 28/09/2011 03:28

As I read it, babies are ok, presumably because of bfing, but older ones are not.

troisgarcons · 28/09/2011 05:58

One of the best wedding I went to had a kiddies entertainer laid on - the kids were in an ajoining room, presumably fed some crap so the adults could eat in peace then rejoined once the music was on and everyone was flinging themsleves round the dance floor!

I have to say screaming babies (BF or otherwise) would be a damned site more annoying through the service than toddlers on pews!

TheBride · 28/09/2011 06:13

But then there's always one who's far too "creative and intelligent" to want to stay in the children's room and insists on sitting on parents' lap during dinner destroying any attempts at adult conversation.

troisgarcons · 28/09/2011 06:20

very true thebride very true!

On the other hand it is only the British that have an abhorant dislike of children socially - we certainly don't seem to have embraced that part of the European psyche where children are adored and revered by all of the family and society!!!

Im no great lover of screaming kids but then I do believe that unless they are taken to events and functions, then they don't learn social niceties!

Inertia · 28/09/2011 06:48

Declining is always an option. So is not making the cake. In fact I can't understand the logistics of you making a cake the day before the wedding in a hotel, but that's by the by.

If you don't have child care you can't go. You shouldn't be afraid of the family drama - people who want child free weddings need to accept that some invitees won't be able to attend.

Has the bride said no children at the actual wedding, or no children at the venue / hotel for the whole 3 days?

GColdtimer · 28/09/2011 07:06

We didn't have children at our wedding (there would have been 10 toddlers between 12 and 18 months). However we did have our nieces because a) there wouldn't have been anyone to look after them (all at the wedding) and b) more importantly, I love my nieces and wanted them to share our day

I think the sitter at the hotel is a good option but I think your brother and his bridezilla are being monumentally mean.

Original poster

Siszilla · 28/09/2011 07:21

Nope, no children only babes at the venue but ' we have time to sort it' his friends are good friends who will apparently abide by their wishes too. Given the distance ( most of his friends live near London too) wedding is in Devon, I am not convinced they will all agree to go. Although they have the option of leaving a DP at home, my DH is a massive part of our family so not an option for us. Given the distance his friends will travel DB is sticking to his guns as they think it would be unfair on his friends if our DC's come. DSIL is a bit younger so her friends do not yet have DCs her Sister does (but is a baby who is invited), hence the lack of understanding.

They have now helpfully suggested that we leave them at my other DSILs (DHs sis) for the 3 days as they are already looking after their own kids( and newborn baby by then)

I wish I could directlly tell my DB my true thoughts but it will create a family drama and weddings should not be. Our parents know of the no children rule and given but I don't think are aware it means not their grandchildren either.

Cake will just be assembled at the venue btw

OP posts:

Groovee · 28/09/2011 07:32

I'd be telling them to collect their cake before they go down from you as you won't be able to make it due to not having childcare.

suiledonn1 · 28/09/2011 07:41

Your brother's friends must be idiots so if they couldn't make a distinction between your children who are family members and their own - and you are the only sibling so yours are the only nieces/nephews on that side.

Ifancyashandy · 28/09/2011 07:41

I can't abide toddling kids at evening wedding receptions but i wouldn't dream of saying my DSIS's couldn't come if it meant she couldn't. Also, the kids aren't invited to the lunch the following day?!?! WTAF? That is outrageous - apart from anything else, that relaxed post ceremony day is always the best bit - it's the lack of formality on that day that I love and to not include kids is outrageous.

I would probably offer this compromise - go down the night before with the kids. Stay in hotel. Either DP has kids on his own that might while you take cake to venue or kids come with too (you'll just be dropping off cake somewhere so shouldn't they?)

Arrange a babystitter via hotel for day of ceremony / take MIL.

Take kids with you to family lunch on the Sunday.

If they won't compromise on that, I wouldn't be attending.

levantine · 28/09/2011 07:50

Totally fine to say no children imo - but not to invite your nephews and nieces is just horrible.

If he doesn't change his mind OP I would just go for the night and ace the family meal etc.

They will be really embarassed about this when they have children themselves and awful tho their behaviour is if you don't go it could damage your relationship forever.

NinkyNonker · 28/09/2011 07:51

I hate all this centre of attention shit. I mean, are people genuinely that insecure that shrug think that the whole vows, speeches, big puffy white dress etc is not enough to mark them out as the focal point? Anyone worried that children may distract attention from them have other issues imo.

I definitely would not be scurrying around cake making, advance lunches etc.

blackeyedsusan · 28/09/2011 07:52

no children, no cake. tough. he has plenty of time to sort it.

though phrase it as, can't get child care so can't bring the cake, sure you understand? smile sweetly.... and watch that invitation magically appear when they can't find someone else to make the cake. bought wedding cakes are horrendously expensive. your sil is a prat it is yourr brothers wedding too...perhaps he doesn't want your childern either.

no fuss (even though I would want to make her wear the damn cake.) just a sorry, can't be done.

zimm · 28/09/2011 07:58

YANBU - he is being a selfish prat. don't go and don't make the cake. Then laugh in his face when he has DC's and similar issues.

But if you're not as harsh as me - go on your own for just the ceremony/afternoon bit and come back in the eve. And do not make the cake.

ForYourDreamsAreChina · 28/09/2011 07:59

I agree with no children-no cake.

But I also agree that the people getting married get to call the shots.

Nothing worse on god's earth than a 2 yr old at a wedding (or anywhere actually)

DumSpiroSpero · 28/09/2011 08:03

My gut reaction is their wedding, their call, but given the circumstances (distance you need to travel, lack of babysitting options and the fact that you are making the cake) I think he and future Mrs are taking the p*ss.

Obviously you don't want to cause a huge barney, so I'd just make the arrangements that are best for you an your family and tell him that is how it'll have to be. If you cannot attend the family lunch or make his cake as a result, well - he's got enough notice to get it sorted!

KaraStarbuckThrace · 28/09/2011 08:10

DH and I would have to travel a similar distance, when DB and his partner finally get around to tying the knot.

If they tried to have a childfree wedding, I would not go, and I would tell them why. As would his partner's sister. And the amount of shit they would get off my mother She is already pissed off that I have not been invited to my cousin's daughter's wedding (said bride was a bridesmaid at my wedding, and her grandad is my mum's favourite brother and my favourite uncle - he was an utter rock when my dad left). I am far less pissed off coz I understand it is because they want to keep the wedding small and invite friends rather than family members who they see once in a blue moon!

To me you can't not invite nieces and nephews and expect your siblings to be happy about (unless said nieces and nephews are older kids who don't want to go!) weddings are supposed to be about family and friends and sharing your love and joy with those who love you. Not about showing off a fancy venue and a frothy dress!

DH and I bent of backwards to make it as easy as possible for guests to come to our wedding because we wanted them to have as good a day as possible. It has been 8 years (since yesterday!) and we still get people talking about how much they enjoyed our wedding!

BalloonSlayer · 28/09/2011 08:15

Agree with most others.

Would suggest a passive aggressive calm-yet-firm reply of "I don't expect you to understand as you don't have of your own children yet, but it is quite out of the question to leave the children with a stranger for three days. So hopefully, we should be able to pop down on the day for the service and reception but won't be able to make the meal the next day as we'll need to get back. I'd suggest you get the cake collected from here a couple of days before so that you can get it put together in time at , because I won't be able to be there the night before."