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AIBU?

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Original poster

That my DC's are not invited to my brothers wedding

335 replies

Siszilla · 27/09/2011 23:56

yes another childfree wedding thread....
We have attended a few child-free weddings and it was lovely to leave my DCs(4and2) with relatives at home to enjoy them. But, my DB is getting married and as most of his friends are already married with children, inviting all would mean 30+ kids at the wedding, which I do get. So friends babies are invited but not my DC's.

I am the only sibling and we live in London and their wedding is in Devon, so that means 3 days away and childcare needed for duration ( available childcare will more than likely be at the wedding) apart from elderly MIL who I wouldn't dream of leaving my DC's for 3 days with. What do I do, declining an invite is not an option. I have spoken to my DB but he is firm ' i have enough notice to get it sorted!'

OP posts:
kelly2000 · 30/09/2011 15:18

Clam,
I think that is why some people do not invite children, they know full well some parents will let their children screech throughout the ceremony, and not take them outside, then afterwards go on about how weddings are all about families, so it does not matter if the only thing anyone heard was their precious little offspring screeching. So rather than saying children can come, but not yours as they are little brats and you are rotten parents, they make a blanket ban.

mowbraygirl · 30/09/2011 16:50

Last summer my best friends DD and her DH and DC's who live in Germany were coming over for four weeks holiday and work to coincide with BIL's wedding as the DH was being best man. Two weeks before the wedding they found out in a round about way that the DC's were not invited up to that point the MIL didn't know anything about it. No invitation was ever sent to them the excuse was DH was being best man and the cost of the postage to Germany! No matter what the BIL's mother said bridezilla and her mother were adiment no children.

My friend her other DD and DS and all their families were going to be abroad on holiday arriving back the day after the wedding. Of course the other side of the family were involved in the wedding so couldn't look after the girls who incidentally were aged 10 and 12. The only solution they could think of was that the DD's only went to the church and then went back to my friends were they were staying for the rest of the day. When the girls godparents heard about it they immediately said they would have the girls so problem sorted so they thought.

The afternoon before the wedding godmother rings in absolute distress her MIL had been found dead in suspicious circumstances in Suffolk and they had to go up there immediately and would have to let them down as regards looking after the girls.

DH Mother got straight onto the hotel to ask if there was anywhere that maybe the girls could be so that at least my friends DD could have the meal and hear the speeches. They said they have a room especially for children with a TV video DVD etc. etc. and they also would provide food for the girls and charge the wedding party.

The brides mother face when they arrived at the church was an absolute picture she was hissing at her son what are they doing here etc. it was pointed out to her that anyone can go to a wedding in a church.

When the DH made his speech he did mention about his wife as people may wonder why she was popping out of the meal ever so often. He explained the situation and there was a sort of gasp from a lot of the guests the cats bum face of he bride's mother was captured brilliantly on a video. The DH mother insisted that the girl's come in for the evening reception as they both enjoy all sorts of dancing very much.

Three months after the wedding friends DD had a telephone call from the BIL and now SIL asking her to put them and her parents up as they had been invivted to a wedding near them and it would save on hotel bills! Needless to say the answer was no it would have been that anyhow but they already had a collegue from the London office staying with them.

t0lk13n · 01/10/2011 08:19

Mowbray ...good for your friend`s DD!
OP - stick to guns....no invite for kids...no cake!

Heavymetalmater · 02/10/2011 08:34

To me this sounds very simple. Who is more important to you and DH? Your children or your brother.? If you simply have to go then your DH doesnt. He may be close to your brother but surely not as close as to his own children. If they really want you at the wedding they will have to accept the children.

blackeyedsusan · 02/10/2011 15:28

has your mum come up with a solution yet sis?

Waltraut · 02/10/2011 15:39

In this situation I would:
only go there for the day and ONE night max, they could stick 3 days up their arses.
and only if I could get a trustworthy babysitter for the evening.
I would tell him to order one meal only as it has to be either your dh or you at that time of day since the other will be with your children.
Sod the next day gathering altogether.

Actually I wouldn't say much of that, I'd just quietly get on with the practicalities and not make a scene about it. And then when he has children and realises what he did, I'd enjoy the full apology Grin

GwendolineMaryLacey · 02/10/2011 15:39

I do resent the implication that anyone who has a big do is a Bridezilla. Yes I had a big do but the force behind it was my dad, it didn't come from me or DH at all. We have a massive family and loads of children were invited. So can we please quit the generalising?

NestaFiesta · 02/10/2011 16:28

I'm another one who had a big do and wasn't a bridezilla. Had a UK wedding, no bridesmaids, and all children were invited. We even put little poundland presents on each table so they wouldn't get bored during the speeches.

AhsokaTano · 02/10/2011 17:05

We had a similar situation which didn't upset me in the slightest but which my mother has never forgiven.

I live on the S Coast, my dad's family are mainly in Scotland but my parents live in the home counties. We were invited to my cousins wedding in Scotland, I was sorting flights for me and the DC and declining on behalf of DH as he was working away when I had a phonecall saying the boys weren't invited. At the time they were 2 and about 6months I think.

Anyway my parents and DB and DSIL were suggesting I go and leave the kids in the hotel room and we would have a sort of rota for looking after them etc, I decided it would be unfair to expect other relatives to do this but as I had no DH to take turns with had to regretfully decline the invitation.

No bad feelings from me, no bad feeling from bride as we're not close but the day before the wedding my DH's ship unexpectedly goes alongside in the city where the wedding is taking place and all insist he must join them, sort a meal for him and are generally very kind.

I am gutted as he'd been away for 3 months and was not to be back home for another 2, he is gutted as he'd have loved to see his boys but my mother goes irrationally livid! She now cannot mention this wedding without rehashing the whole thing even though no one else is bothered at all.

Moral of the story OP is that whether you manage to go or not, someone, you, your mum, whoever will hold on to the slight and sadly that's the thing that will become memorable for them.

MissMississippi · 02/10/2011 17:31

Your brother is rude. This actually sounds like the prelude to my brother's wedding. what actually happened was that I went (against my gut feeling) and we ended up falling out (all over my DS) and haven't spoken since. His wife is very selfish and he is quite weak.

Your brother is being completely unreasonable. IMO, I think it's unreasonable to leave kids of 2 and 4 for 3 days with sitters who aren't family. I also think it's unreasonable for them to be left for 12 hours in a hotel with a sitter whilst you attend wedding, meal etc etc.

Your brother is completely unreasonable. I wouldn't go and explain why not. I would deliver the cake to your parents the day before they leave (it will be sealed with icing so will be fine made a few days in advance).

You came up with a very good solution, and he didn't even allow this. As far as I can see it, crying babies would ruin a service more so than toddler/kids.

Waltraut · 02/10/2011 17:40

That's a very 'cards on the table' response though, just not going.
I'd go, but limit my time because I've got my children to look after and I'd alternate with the DH because he's got his kids to look after and then try to enjoy the bits I could.

He can't have it both ways: no kids AND both of you there for three days. It's unreasonable. Something has to give, and the most sensible thing is that you each spend less time there.

NestaFiesta · 02/10/2011 17:50

Waltraut has a good plan. You and DH can cross cross child care duty until all the guests notice you ducking and diving and then you can tell people your children have been excluded so you have to look after them in shifts,

Machiavellian, yes, but your point is then made without boycotting.

Or you can train your children to press their faces against the window during the reception and ostentatiously "shoo" them away. "shoo! you're not allowed in! Unclezilla said no!" (tee hee) Wink

Waltraut · 02/10/2011 17:55

Like the 'small faces at the window' idea Grin

The trouble is that it sounds like unless you completely go along with him, he will quote "But I gave you enough time to come up with a plan" at you and think he was being generous.

In which case I'd say "I'd happily leave the children for three days with capable family members but they were all at your wedding and it is disingenuous of you to conveniently discount that. Let us never speak of it again."

blackeyedsusan · 07/10/2011 19:49

any update op?

Original poster
Siszilla · 11/10/2011 14:02

Sorry it is about time I posted an update....
Well Mum's suggestion of having DC 's to accompany her went down badly, we know how annoying DB is being but we really don't want to create a family argument. DB has had a hard time of it the last few years so we suspect there is some resentment hanging over him.

Logistics wise for us, DMIL has kindly offered to travel with us and stay with the DC's all day . It isn't ideal as we will need to travel to collect her, and then have her travel with us, pay for an extra room for the 3 days etc and we will need to help out quite a bit with us popping to and from most of the day as she really cannot manage a whole day on her own, but she will at least be able to cover the ceremony bit. Plus my feeling would be if they are staying in the venue then they probably will be allowed to mill around the wedding itself ( when photos are taken etc) just not the more formal bits. As far as the other days we have told DB that we won't be able to partcipate but we will have some family fun on our own (visit beaches etc) . DB hasn't mentioned anything about this.

DB is however starting to get worried who can come to his wedding as many of his friends have spoken to him about having to decline based on distance to travel and childcare issues of their own.... So I suspect his policy may change to ' we would prefer no DCs' and if that happens then he can't then restrict ours!

OP posts:
fatlazymummy · 11/10/2011 15:12

Ha ha, not surprised some of the other guests are having problems as well. If they want a lot of people to attend they should make it as easy as possible, rather than attatching conditions.

ChaoticAngelofSamhain · 11/10/2011 15:16

You do realise it's not you creating a family argument, it's them.

I have to admit you're a better person than me. I'd have told them where to stick their invitation. I have no problems with child free weddings but I do have a problem with bride/groomzillas who make it impossible for some to attend then throw a tantrum when they decline.

It doesn't surprise me that there are other guests having problems, if they're been expected to go from London to Devon for three days sans kids.

Hulababy · 11/10/2011 15:59

So much for a wedding meaning the joining of two families, eh?!

You are being far more polite about it than I would be if it was my sibling!

I can't abide the whole dramas over weddings these days. Was far nicer back when two people got married, family and friends all came and had a nice time regardless of age, noone was excluded and everyone wished the couple well. these days it is all about "the image" of the wedding rather than the actually act of two families joining together. Have only had to go to two child free weddings despite having been to dozens of weddings over the year. The two child free ones were the more formal staid affairs compared to the more relaxed, more fun everyone invited ones.

exoticfruits · 11/10/2011 16:05

I agree with Hulababy. If it was my brother I would feel close enough to say sorry-too difficult, I can't sort it so sorry but we can't come.

ShroudOfHamsters · 11/10/2011 16:10

Ahh so all his amazing friends who are going to effortlessly abide by his wishes... aren't.

What a surprise. Yes I suspect you might get an official and slightly surly notification of a change in policy soon Grin

OP, your brother is an arse to end all arses. May I suggest that you employ your cake-decorating skills to add a teeny-tiny Hilteresque moustache to the face of the little plastic model groom atop the cake. Oooh and perhaps glowing red eyes for his nutjob bride-to-be?

GuillotinedMaryLacey · 11/10/2011 16:15

You're definitely being far more accomodating than I would be. Regardless of whatever u turn he does now I'd still be very tempted to tell him to get stuffed.

KeepInMind · 11/10/2011 16:31

I am still hoping that all the "babies" who are allowed have colic and let it be know the whole day Grin

Disclaimer not wishing colic on babies just screaming for the wedding

SheCutOffTheirTails · 11/10/2011 23:09

Why is he being allowed to dictate the guestlist at two events, one if which he is not hosting, and the other of which he is joint hosting?

I can't believe you're going to put your MIL under that strain rather than tell him to stick his resentment up his tacky arse.

I also can't believe your mother is still contributing to a wedding where she has no say over the guestlist, despite the fact that it is embarrassing her with its rudeness.

Well at least there will plenty of resentment to go around in your family for years to come.

FontOfAllEvil · 11/10/2011 23:36

He (or they) is being an utter shit. They are his nephews. His mothers grandchildren ffs. You are being waaaaay nicer than I would, he is causing the issue and is getting away with massively hideous behaviour. IMO he should be called up on it and have it pointed out to him, by your parents, exactly how he is behaving and the effect that it is having on you.

Blimey, I'm quite cross on your and your dc's behalf.

Weddings shouldn't be an excuse for terrible, selfish behaviour!

Whatmeworry · 11/10/2011 23:44

DB is however starting to get worried who can come to his wedding as many of his friends have spoken to him about having to decline based on distance to travel and childcare issues of their own.... So I suspect his policy may change to ' we would prefer no DCs' and if that happens then he can't then restrict ours!

Not surprised.... Bridezilla meets Mumzillas - watch this space :)