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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That my DC's are not invited to my brothers wedding

335 replies

Siszilla · 27/09/2011 23:56

yes another childfree wedding thread....
We have attended a few child-free weddings and it was lovely to leave my DCs(4and2) with relatives at home to enjoy them. But, my DB is getting married and as most of his friends are already married with children, inviting all would mean 30+ kids at the wedding, which I do get. So friends babies are invited but not my DC's.

I am the only sibling and we live in London and their wedding is in Devon, so that means 3 days away and childcare needed for duration ( available childcare will more than likely be at the wedding) apart from elderly MIL who I wouldn't dream of leaving my DC's for 3 days with. What do I do, declining an invite is not an option. I have spoken to my DB but he is firm ' i have enough notice to get it sorted!'

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 28/09/2011 00:21

Some venues actually are not suitable for children. It doesnt matter who the child belongs to.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 28/09/2011 00:22

"Some venues actually are not suitable for children."

The operative word there being "some".

Other venues are suitable for children. And they are the venues decent hosts pick when they have nieces and nephews and friends with children.

Original poster
Siszilla · 28/09/2011 00:23

To be fair my 2 yr old, is well 2 and quite a boistrous one so I can see the concern as far as he service goes but I really would not allow them to spoil it... I think using sitters at the venue ( including maybe MIL) maybe my only bet as DH is close to DB so he should be there too. He is my DB though so I am worried about creating a family drama too.

OP posts:
SheCutOffTheirTails · 28/09/2011 00:23

Oooh, well said theeever.

That's EXACTLY what you should say.

(but more sweary :o)

LittleMissWoodscommaElle · 28/09/2011 00:24

In which case if you have children in teh immediate family don;t choose that venue or be prepared that your sibling may not be able to attend.

But I am assuming that in this case as the wedding is in a hotel that the children can be babysat at it is suitable. There are lots of regulations about where can be licensed for weddings (don't know if this one is in church or approved venue) but I would have thought they must be accessible.

I have no problem with people chooseing to have child free weddings. What I do have a problem with is those people getting uppity with someone if they are then unable to attend said wedding.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 28/09/2011 00:24

You are not the one creating the family drama in this situation.

LittleMissWoodscommaElle · 28/09/2011 00:26

Wish there was a like button for theever's post "its OK he has a good while to sort it"

squeakytoy · 28/09/2011 00:26

Nothing to do with being "decent". It is their wedding, and their choice. It can cause a lot of muttering and bitching if friends children are not allowed, but one person does arrive with children in tow. Maybe the bride has siblings who have young children and she doesnt want them there..

A wedding is the couples special day, and perhaps they want to (rightly) be the centre of attention, and not have it taken away by noisy children. Many parents I know actually enjoy going to child-free weddings, because even they want to just spend some time relaxing without constantly having to be on guard and keeping an eye out for their little darling being upto no good.

LittleMissWoodscommaElle · 28/09/2011 00:28

You have done your best to reach a compromise in order to keep the peace/give them the wedding they want.

I personally would notnot have been prepared to leave my dc with unknown babysitters when they were that age. At 7 and 9 I will leave them in kids clubs etc on holidays now so you are a better person than I am in suggesting that.

Mumwithadragontattoo · 28/09/2011 00:31

LittleMiss - I agree with that completely. If you want a child free wedding you take the risk that those with kids can't attend, especially if they are travelling a good distance. It is the undue pressure (and the fact that OP is his DSis) that make this unacceptable

SheCutOffTheirTails · 28/09/2011 00:32

God, people who want to make sure they are the centre of attention at their own fucking wedding should be put out of their misery.

It is so crass and unmannerly and awful.

LikeACandleButNotQuite · 28/09/2011 00:33

A no-child wedding is just that: no children. Sorry, but their day their decision. Leave on the morning of the wedding, come home the morning after.

Tell DB and his missus that you have to make it a flying visit due to childcare arrangements, and maybe suggest they find someone else to do the cake as your travel restrictions make the logistics of providing the cake unfeesable?

SheCutOffTheirTails · 28/09/2011 00:35

Yup, their unpleasant day that will cause bad feeling that people will remember for years, their tacky decision.

LittleMissWoodscommaElle · 28/09/2011 00:37

Are you seriously suggesting the OP leave at the crack of dawn for a 5 hour journey then attend a wedding and reception and drive back the morning after another 5 hours?

She will be exhausted.

musicposy · 28/09/2011 00:40

Have you actually mentioned to them that legally, anyone can come and sit in on the service, so it's always possible they might not get their child free wedding in any case?

Our church is right in the centre of town, so a few random people did turn up to ours, one or two we knew, one or two we had no idea who they were - just spent their Saturday afternoons popping in there to weddings, I guess!

Our random guests were older people, mind you, but there's nothing to stop anyone coming in. I thought it was quite nice! A wedding service has to be open to anybody, so they really cannot say no children. Reception, well I guess that's their call but makes your life difficult, and a bit mean as you are obviously helping them out. I'd talk a bit more on this with them.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 28/09/2011 00:40

My brother would get a kick up the arse for trying to pull a stunt like this as well. Luckily he wouldn't dream of it. I'm afraid I would be of the "I'm staying at home and by the way make your own fucking cake" school of thought.

Original poster
Siszilla · 28/09/2011 00:44

It is a difficult as I honestly think my DB has not got a clue of the upset this is causing. It is their day, we won't spoil it but my parents will not be around forever and it should be a lovely day celebrating involving the whole family, who are contributing to the cost too. I totally accept their wishes for an adult occasion ( and tbh would love a child free bash) but I just don't think it is right. Thank you for the advice, I will let it simmer a bit....as ' we have plenty of time to sort it Grin

OP posts:
SheCutOffTheirTails · 28/09/2011 00:47

Your parents are contributing to the costs?

Well then it is their day too, and they will surely have some say over the guest list.

How do they feel about their grandchildren being excluded from the entire event?

I know my parents would have been disgusted and embarrassed to be associated with that kind of rudeness.

AmberLeaf · 28/09/2011 00:53

Yes, what shecutofftheirtails said.

AmberLeaf · 28/09/2011 00:59

What is it about weddings that turns a couple into a pair of entitled wankers?

Yes they are allowed to do it their way, but so many seem to get soo caught up they forget about everyone else?

Just wait until they start a family!

pengymum · 28/09/2011 01:28

If any of my siblings issued this kind of invitation, not only would they be wearing it but I would not be gracing the event with my presence! No way would I leave children in the care of a stranger for 3 days at that age! Shock
And it would be a very cold day in Hell before my parents paid for a wedding that my children were not invited to! Blush
Never mind making the cake! Angry I would be telling them where to put the 'family lunch' too! Wink
I would politely decline as suggested by theever! And don't forget to use those exact words!! Grin Bloody brilliant theever! Thanks Wine

These are not just children, they are family members! How can your ONLY brother even think of not including them? Pah - I speet on the very idea! Pah!

alarkaspree · 28/09/2011 02:19

I can't believe how many otherwise lovely and sensible people think it's okay to not invite your nieces and nephews to your wedding.

It makes sense not to invite your friends' children, if you are childless and don't see much of them, you don't have much interest in them, you may not have space for them, and you don't want to pay for them, fair enough.

But your sister's children are YOUR FAMILY.

OP I wouldn't go.

MrsWembley · 28/09/2011 03:18

What stands out for me is the OP saying that most of her DB's friends have kids and they add up to around 30. My DP and I are one if the last couples in our circle of friends to get married and we have that same problem (28 under 12s) - only it isn't a problem for us!Hmm

We are trying to sort out a child-friendly venue (which, btw, means we can't get married where I want to get married), we will have some sort of entertainer for the kids and we will absolutely understand the parents of young ones to not want to stay too late but will be glad of the effort they will make in order to share our special day. Were we to tell our friends that there children weren't welcome, well... they would have every right to tell us where to stick our invite.

I can completely understand a no-children except bfing babies rule if there are only a few and it's more of a piss-up style do, but really, to annoy most of your friends, many of whom might choose to leave the DCs at home anyway, is justConfused.

The fact that they are worried that having friends' DCs there might take attention away from them is really very sad.Sad Children absolutely love seeing a bride and she will miss out on all the 'pretty lady' comments from awed 6 yr olds. He will miss out also, on little ones dancing on his shoes, on boys trying to be grown-up and asking to dance with his wife, on some dad-dancing extraordinaire that he can rib his mates about until they are old and grey.

All too too sad.

MrsWembley · 28/09/2011 03:20

'To not want'???

'not wanting', obviouslyHmm

MrsWembley · 28/09/2011 03:20

Aahhhhhh!!!

'their'
Blush