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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That my DC's are not invited to my brothers wedding

335 replies

Siszilla · 27/09/2011 23:56

yes another childfree wedding thread....
We have attended a few child-free weddings and it was lovely to leave my DCs(4and2) with relatives at home to enjoy them. But, my DB is getting married and as most of his friends are already married with children, inviting all would mean 30+ kids at the wedding, which I do get. So friends babies are invited but not my DC's.

I am the only sibling and we live in London and their wedding is in Devon, so that means 3 days away and childcare needed for duration ( available childcare will more than likely be at the wedding) apart from elderly MIL who I wouldn't dream of leaving my DC's for 3 days with. What do I do, declining an invite is not an option. I have spoken to my DB but he is firm ' i have enough notice to get it sorted!'

OP posts:
SpanishPaella · 29/09/2011 09:38

oh and sod leaving my children in the care of a stranger in a strange hotel. Err no dont think so.

KouklaMoo · 29/09/2011 09:49

I would be really really upset if my children were not invited to my brother's wedding - I know all about child free weddings, but even then, children of immediate family are invited surely?

Aftereightsaremine · 29/09/2011 09:51

Love the name koukla moo

KouklaMoo · 29/09/2011 09:58

Why thank you Grin

YokoOhNo · 29/09/2011 10:15

I've got the same situation this weekend with counsin's wedding. It's really difficult to deal with the child care issues v family dramas. My cousin and I are very close so there is no question that we will attend, but it's a strictly child free wedding, except for the groom's neice and nephew.

I do support the bride's right to exclude children (it is always the bride! Grin), but we live 400 miles away from the venue, DS is 7 months and I'm still BFing and all usual childcare options will be at the wedding. MIL is in another part of the country again and woudln't want to travel hundreds of miles to look after DS all day. Oh and the venue is also in the middle of eff-ing nowhere!!!

Solution - stay at the venue at vast expense and one of my sister's friends has very, very kindly volunteered to drive 30 miles(!) to sit in the hotel room all day with DS while I pop up to BF between courses! Hassle. And I can't even get properly stuck into the booze.

Original poster
Siszilla · 29/09/2011 10:18

Thank you all for the advice will keep you posted. i have left it with Mum for now to work her magic.

Re the next day gathering. My DB firmly told me that the whole duration would be adult only and to leave them at home for the duration, when I questioned the fact that would mean 3 days, his response was firmly , well ' you have plenty if time to sort it ' and helpfully suggested they could go to SIL's ( er 2 DCs already and she will have a newborn by then) or MIL could take them ( er for an afternoon or evening maybe but not 3 days) . However as he is not paying for the next day gathering and I don't have an option of not bringing them with us, then I am telling him they are coming regardless as it will be a family gathering. The issue now is working out a solution for the whole wedding day itself when we all will be staying at the hotel.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 29/09/2011 10:18

I think some people organising weddings don't understand that they aren't doing people a favour by inviting them to the wedding, but people are doing them a favour by giving up a weekend and incurring expense to come. I think families should be viewed as a unit and you invite fewer families if you want less people not just count the adults and pretend the kids don't exist.
Yes kids can disrupt the ceremony and speeches sometimes, but you aren't giving a performance of a play this is about declaing your love in front of your favourite people so a bit of disruption shouldn't matter.
I think in this situation I would either go alone leaving husband with kids, or all go to Devon for the weekend with me just going to ceremony, the kids and husband throwing confettee afterwards (if they can't get into ceremony although if it's a church you can't exclude people, but I probably wouldn't want to upset my brother) and leave after ceremony with husband and kids for a nice afternoon in Devon.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 29/09/2011 10:20

Bubbaluv - the OP has said that her brother wants her to leave the children in London - he has even rejected the option of them being nearby the wedding venue, with a babysitter. I think this says he doesn't want the children at the 'family' lunch the next day.

2rebecca · 29/09/2011 10:25

I wouldn't go to the family lunch the next day in that case. I would tell him I will be at the ceremony only and spending the rest of the weekend with my family and that we come as a unit at weekends, I spend enough time apart from my kids when working during the week.

MamaMaiasaura · 29/09/2011 10:32

Yanbu. My brother did same. Invites my ds2 who was 4 months old but not his older brother ds1. He also had one of my sisters dd as bridesmaid but my other 2 sisters kids were excluded. And there were other kids going including their own. We didn't go at all. Ds2 had ear infection so we had a good reason but we had already declined reception but were going to go to wedding.

I got married 4 weeks ago and for the actual wedding the room was too small for everyone so we got married with just parents and a couple of others and went for quite meal. The following Day we had a hogroast BBQ at a lovely country park. Invited everyone and was very informal and loads of fun. Had over 20 kids there and all of them had fun. Even the adults were playing rounders, tree climbing etc. For us getting married was a really personal quiet moment and for us. The BBQ was about celebrating with friends and family. Not about ettiqurtte and formality. Also Really do not get why people literally spend thousands on getting married. We also did no gifts or gift list xx

MamaMaiasaura · 29/09/2011 10:35

Love 2rebecca post. While dh and I were getting married our 3 year old joined in lol. Loved it was that relaxed. We had no speeches either.

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 29/09/2011 10:40

Your DB really doesn't have any say over whether you bring your kids to stay in the hotel with you. That's your business not his. Of course he can not include them in the actual wedding event but to think he has any say then over how you sort out your childcare is beyond ridiculous. I agree with you re the family lunch. If he isn't paying for it you can just take your kids. If he doesn't want them there then go for lovely day out in Devon with your immediate family and knock the lunch into touch.

I hope you manage to get this resolved. It sounds to me like your DB is thoughtless in the extreme and has a blind spot re his wedding. If he's normally a good bloke and you have a good relationship (as your posts do suggest as you really want to be at his wedding and want to do his cake too despite his meanness) then I'm sure you / your mum will be able to get him to see how unfair he is being to you.

SharrieTBGinzatome · 29/09/2011 10:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MamaMaiasaura · 29/09/2011 10:55

Sharrie Grin

Whatmeworry · 29/09/2011 11:02

No kids = no cake or family lunch.

Sorted :)

bringmesunshine2009 · 29/09/2011 11:19

How I love a child free wedding. Are you from Devon? Any friends there who can help out? Where in Devon? I can ask my mum if you like!

RogerMelly · 29/09/2011 11:25

I would send a 'with regret' card to him through the post and say it is with regret but you cannot get childcare

KouklaMoo · 29/09/2011 11:26

Yes, I would seriously consider what whatmeworry suggests. I would be that upset. I suppose it depends on the family dynamics, my siblings are all very close and socialise as a family all the time, kids n all. OP at least you have your mum on side, you sound like a very nice person. :)

Tangle · 29/09/2011 11:26

A child free wedding is one thing. Dictating that close family have to leave their young children 5 hours away for 3 days for the privilege of attending your wedding and making your cake whilst also removing all usual child care options (as they'll be at said wedding) is something slightly different...

Fingers crossed your mum can persuade DB of the error of his ways! Otherwise I guess the challenge is how to explain the reality of your options without making it sound like an ultimatum.

Bubbaluv · 29/09/2011 11:37

The 3 day child ban changes thing totally for me. I would say that 90% of weddings I go to are child-free and about 60% of those are destination weddings, so I'm pretty used to dealing with childcare arrangements in out-of-the-way locations, but the kids are ALWAYS invited for day 2 of celebrations! ALWAYS!!

AnnaBegins · 29/09/2011 11:39

My cousin did similar to your brother Awen when I was little, had two of many cousins as bridesmaids but didn't invite their siblings! As one bridesmaid was my sister, my parents kicked up a huge fuss and I was allowed to attend, the other bridesmaid's siblings weren't though. So strange!
I've also been the child invited to the evening do but not the reception, when parents were invited to both! So as not to offend family, they did get a babysitter for the whole day for us, but at least we were allowed to be in the vicinity. Your brother is very unreasonable not to even contemplate them being in Devon with you OP.

AKMD · 29/09/2011 11:46

It sounds like your DBro is going to set up checkpoints at all main roads into Devon, confiscating children who might possibly sneak into his wedding.

I would ask for a list of invitees with children, contact them all and see if you can club together to get a children's entertainer who specialises in weddings to look after them for the day at the venue. If it's split between a few of you, it won't be wildly expensive. As the venue is a public place, your DBro has no say whatsoever over who goes there. Problem sorted.

Pandemoniaa · 29/09/2011 12:12

I'm not going to get into a debate about child-free weddings except to say that in Italy (from where I've just returned) the idea of excluding children from every element of a wedding would be seen as utterly bonkers.

I do wonder though, when reading about the OP's dilemma, just when it was that this ridiculous Disneyfication of weddings actually became the norm and when hosting the event in a way that the guests might enjoy became secondary to ruling over it like a particularly demanding Princess.

By all means have a quiet wedding. By all means invite who you would prefer to have there. But don't plan the sort of 3-ring circus that means you put your own family and friends in impossible posititions.

One of the saddest posts I've read on MN was about a wedding where only some of the children in a family "qualified" to attend. This also being a wedding of a fairly close relative if I recall. The "unqualified" child only just missed the age bar but despite this, no compromise was offered. From what I recall, a fairly horrid and stressful time was had, especially when it turned out that there were other children of the same age actually at the wedding. Is that the memory people really want of their "Perfect" Day? Or do they genuinely not care? Seems very sad, either way.

If I were the OP, I'd certainly be inclined to take everyone down to Devon, arrange (if possible) a babysitter at the venue, and make it abundantly clear that from Day 2 onwards, you come as a family. As for expecting cake, I'd be inclined to take it down and decorate the bride with it...

KouklaMoo · 29/09/2011 12:24

Couldn't agree more Pandemoniaa

Energumene · 29/09/2011 12:49

My DB married this year and had a child-free wedding, but there was no way he would have even tried to tell me my son couldn't come. His view was that his nephew is part of the family, he loves him and he wanted to share that very special day with all those he loved.

Mind you, he'd have been cake-less had he not invited DS, since I was sorting that out for them.

OP, if your Mum's ruse of using her +1 doesn't do the trick, I would seriously consider declining the invitation and also declining to make the cake. You've been more than generous in even attempting to sort out his selfish demands, but you have to draw the line somewhere.