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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That my DC's are not invited to my brothers wedding

335 replies

Siszilla · 27/09/2011 23:56

yes another childfree wedding thread....
We have attended a few child-free weddings and it was lovely to leave my DCs(4and2) with relatives at home to enjoy them. But, my DB is getting married and as most of his friends are already married with children, inviting all would mean 30+ kids at the wedding, which I do get. So friends babies are invited but not my DC's.

I am the only sibling and we live in London and their wedding is in Devon, so that means 3 days away and childcare needed for duration ( available childcare will more than likely be at the wedding) apart from elderly MIL who I wouldn't dream of leaving my DC's for 3 days with. What do I do, declining an invite is not an option. I have spoken to my DB but he is firm ' i have enough notice to get it sorted!'

OP posts:
EssentialFattyAcid · 29/09/2011 21:03

OP do you actively keep your kids in line in public or do you leave them unchecked and unsupervised? I can see that some approaches to parenting are potentially more compatible with weddings than others.

Presuming your kids are averagely well behaved however I diagnose bridezilla syndrome. This couple should get married 100% their way, and on their own IMO

fatlazymummy · 29/09/2011 21:19

Thats the problem with these types of couples. They want to get married 100% their way, but they expect their guests to make sacrifices to fit in with them.

LydiaWickham · 29/09/2011 21:28

oh honestly, don't go. As i've said on the other wedding thread (the overseas one) - it's their big day, and therefore worth making sacrifices for in order to have the wedding of their dreams, but it's not your big day.

You say you can't go because you can't leave your DCs for 3 days. If he really wants you there, tell him to solve the problem. He wants you to make it, he can sort something for you (either having children there, or arranging a nanny at the venue).

hungrierhippo · 29/09/2011 21:55

I can't believe I'm commenting on a 12 page child free wedding thread but here goes...

Surely it is Mumsnet law by now (we can get it on a mug for him if needed).

  1. It's their big day so they don't have to invite children if they don't want to.
  2. Your responsibility is to your children and you are perfectly within your rights to decline the invitation if you cannot get suitable childcare.

Neither of you are allowed to mind Wink

What annoys me about these situations is the assumption that children, even older ones, are like cats who just need to be fed and let out.

My children were much easier to leave when they were babies (not for me however) but now (they are 5 and 2), I would never dream of leaving them with a sitter they didn't know, or leaving them with a relative for 3 days. My 5 year old in particular would find this very hard.

So I wouldn't go. No family drama, no histrionics, just say 'I'm sorry but I have noone to leave my children with'

Then, when people ask the bride or groom where you are, they will have to reply 'we didn't want her children here so she has had to stay at home'. Presumably as it's their big day they will feel no embarrassment about this.

musicposy · 29/09/2011 22:11

The more I think about it, the more I'm amazed they can't go, child free wedding or not.

To put it in perspective, my DB is getting married in June next year. I'm not aware that there are any children going. However, my two girls - his nieces and so hers to be too - are to be bridesmaids. I am sure the other guests aren't going to think anything of this - they're not just some random children - they're his close family.

I feel Sad for you that your DB (or maybe SIL2B) doesn't seem to feel the same way.

clam · 29/09/2011 22:37

I suppose it comes down to how some people view weddings. I like to think of them as two families joining together through the couple - and families are all about kids, grandparents, weird Uncle Sid and his funny tooth, mad Auntie Ruby who falls asleep in churches and so on. I don't see it as a formal 'has-to-be-perfect' event where nobody can breathe or relax.
Although I confess I did get slightly irritated at our wedding when DH's 2yo nephew screeched loudly right through the vows. But hey, that's families for you. The same nephew threw up over an uncle at the reception. He laughed, shrugged and nipped upstairs to change. Came back down in a scruffy T-shirt and danced the night away.

Bubbaluv · 30/09/2011 03:38

Clam - sometimes it's also the case that the b&G want the party to be a little wilder than it would be with children running about the place.
That was certainly our reason for having a child-free wedding (yes at a country hotel miles from anywhre) but we provided nannies and a huge playroom area for the kids who came. The kids were all there for the family-friendly dreafully hungover brunch the next day and they had a ball dismantling the croquet lawn!

Either way - the OP's brother is being totally thoughtless in this case.

Wormshuffler · 30/09/2011 06:51

Clam is on to something there, a wedding has now become "an event" rather than a union in families. The money and planning that goes into one day always astounds me. Does a perfectly put together wedding costing 20 grand with matching favors and chairs equal a happier marriage?

Whatmeworry · 30/09/2011 07:12

Does a perfectly put together wedding costing 20 grand with matching favors and chairs equal a happier marriage?

I'd lay odds it predicts the opposite...

scaevola · 30/09/2011 07:23

"Then, when people ask the bride or groom where you are, they will have to reply 'we didn't want her children here so she has had to stay at home'. Presumably as it's their big day they will feel no embarrassment about this."

No they won't - they'll say "She changed her mind and refused to come. We don't really understand why". Because they DON'T understand the difficulty of parking the children for 3 days. They might add "And she refused to do the cake, which she was originally going to do. It's been very difficult for us". So guests hear that on the day, and even if corrected later, it'll be their initial and probably quite durable impression.

That's the only reason why I quite like to idea, mentioned above, of ringing round your closest family to see if they'll do a shift of childcare.

Not because I think the shift system is a good one (intrusive of other's days, bound not to work in practice), but the act of asking will mean that everyone knows about the lack of invitations and that you were trying hard to avoid "ruining" your DB's day. Some may even think he's being silly, and may even say so.

I may be wrong in this, but I get the idea that "appearances" are unduly important in some of their stance - it is just weird to try to control the presence of children coming to the location (I mean beyond attending the adding and associated events) and I think that may be because if you left your children at home, no one would really ask IYSWIM. If they were clearly nearby but having to be kept away then it would be much more obvious that they had deliberately not been invited.

joshandjamie · 30/09/2011 07:28

haven't read the whole thread but sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 30/09/2011 07:50

It's got bugger all to do with the cost of the wedding.

I've been to lavish dos that were all about being decent, considerate hosts, and very small weddings that the couple insisted were "cosy" and "laid back" that were an utter pain in the arse for everyone who attended.

The crucial differentiator is not money or size, but attitude.

People who think it is their day to do whatever they want have shit weddings that everyone involved wishes they didn't have to attend.

People who just want a nice day and for their guests to enjoy themselves have nice weddings that everyone remembers for how fun they are.

I can see that being so immature (and unromantic) when you get married that you think you need a day all about yourself might be an indicator of a poor ability to conduct adult relationships.

NestaFiesta · 30/09/2011 08:20

scaevola makes a good point.

ThePrincessRoyalFiggyrolls · 30/09/2011 08:38

Lets face it, we all know that he doesn't want them even in the vicinity because he is worried you will just bring them anyway regardless of his wishes!

I'm with Scaevola tbh - get your side in first, sneaky but if all doesn't go to plan on the day they will come up with some bollocks that it was all ruined because you wouldn't find a babysitter and come to their wedding Wink

hungrierhippo · 30/09/2011 10:03

I like Scaviola's plan, I like Grin

blackeyedsusan · 30/09/2011 10:09

scaviola's plan good one. otherwise you will be the bad guy who caused the family rift, though I think your mum may be less inclined to let that happen. people will ask your mum where you are, i think than your db/sil as they will be busy.

blackeyedsusan · 30/09/2011 10:09

rather than

PrincessScrumpy · 30/09/2011 10:14

usually I fully support child free weddings but I would expect my brother to include my children (but then I know he always would as that's the kind of family we have).

Has he given a reason why? Could the kids stay with friends?

If I went without kids I think I would feel resentful - I think dh and I would take kids - dh could watch dc while I went to the church bit - then I would leave and enjoy a couple of days with the dc and dh. Sod the reception.

My dad would have been on the phone to db telling him to get a grip.

KeepInMind · 30/09/2011 10:32

Your Brother is being unreasonable, I hope he enjoys screaming babies throughout the whole wedding

justlots · 30/09/2011 11:22

I really hope one if the invited babies cries all the way through the vows, the speeches and the cutting of the cake...Which hopefully will not have been made by the OP!

musicposy · 30/09/2011 12:42

"Does a perfectly put together wedding costing 20 grand with matching favors and chairs equal a happier marriage?

I'd lay odds it predicts the opposite..."

My experience bears this out. Friends of ours who spent £25,000 on their wedding Shock have struggled through their short marriage. Other friends of ours who got married in a registry office and had the reception in his mum's garden (it was so much more fun than the expensive one!) are still blissfully happy 25 years later. DH and I (married nearly 19 years now) had a very small affair with just close friends and family, with the emphasis on it being fun and not stressful. The main thing for me was that I was getting married to DH, not that I was getting marrried, if that makes sense.

That's not to say people with big lavish weddings don't have happy marriages, I'm sure plenty do. But there's something about being so bridezilla-ish as this that makes me think it's all about a "big day" and not so much about the person they are actually marrying. Hmm

Inertia · 30/09/2011 12:59

Scaveola- very very good points there. Ringing round family to ask for help with a child care shift makes it clear that you are doing your level best to accommodate your brother's wishes. Especially if you can get a line in about trying to get a schedule sorted well in advance because you will only be able to get there for the actual wedding, due to the children being banned from the family events before and afterwards, but you are so desperate not to miss your brother's wedding that you are trying everything you can to meet your brother's requirements.

onlinefriend · 30/09/2011 13:02

At my wedding what i said no children due to the number that would have been included, but then invited my nephew and neice to be a (very small) bridesmaid and usher. they didn't actually do anything except get dressed up like the others, but it made them part of the official bridal party and therefore an exception to the 'no children of guests' rule. it might be worth suggesting this to your brother.....BTW all of the guests were well behaved and didn't bring their children but the vicar (who had been invited to the reception) brought his wife and his three children aged 2,3 and 4 who misbehaved throughout the photos, meal, speeches etc so you can never completely be sure about these situations

5Foot5 · 30/09/2011 13:24

Oh I must be very slow on the uptake but I have just noticed the OPs username. Very good!

MamaMaiasaura · 30/09/2011 14:40

Musicposy / like how you think and agree. What was important was I was marrying dh and not the circus show so many weddings can be. Several guests said that they genuinely felt this was best wedding party they'd attended. Just so relaxed and fun. O wouldn't have changed any of it. Sleight me the idea of excluding peoples children to such a happy occasion for fear of the
Interrupting a probably dull egotist al speech or dare they make noise during vows or not sit for entire long drawn out meal,is crazy to me. Personally if anyone should be excluded it's the adults who get pissed, cause a fight or male an arse of themselves.

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