Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That my DC's are not invited to my brothers wedding

335 replies

Siszilla · 27/09/2011 23:56

yes another childfree wedding thread....
We have attended a few child-free weddings and it was lovely to leave my DCs(4and2) with relatives at home to enjoy them. But, my DB is getting married and as most of his friends are already married with children, inviting all would mean 30+ kids at the wedding, which I do get. So friends babies are invited but not my DC's.

I am the only sibling and we live in London and their wedding is in Devon, so that means 3 days away and childcare needed for duration ( available childcare will more than likely be at the wedding) apart from elderly MIL who I wouldn't dream of leaving my DC's for 3 days with. What do I do, declining an invite is not an option. I have spoken to my DB but he is firm ' i have enough notice to get it sorted!'

OP posts:
halcyondays · 29/09/2011 12:53

Op, you are far more tolerant than I would be! It's bad enough not inviting them to the actual wedding but for him to try to dictate to you that you must leave them at home for three days! He is being very arrogant. The world does not revolve around his wedding and frankly he doesn't deserve a cake.

Whatmeworry · 29/09/2011 12:56

No cake, mail him some Biscuit s

CristinadellaPizza · 29/09/2011 12:59

Oh yes Pandemoniaa - I remember that thread about one of the DC being excluded. That was dreadful :(

jennymac · 29/09/2011 13:16

I don't think that I would be happy to leave my dcs with unknown sitter. Not because I think they would be mean to them or anything but more because I would spend the whole time worrying about how they were getting on and not enjoy the wedding anyway. I had all my nieces and nephews at my wedding (about 8 in total ranging in age from 11 months to 8 years) and they added to the occasion if anything.

Inertia · 29/09/2011 13:22

Siszilla, it sounds as though you have been bending over backwards to try to find a workable solution, and it's encouraging that your mum is on board with this. Regardless of the rights and wrongs of child-free weddings and receptions, your brother's insistence that your children are not allowed to the venue or reception for the whole 3 days is just ridiculous especially as other children are going to be there anyway.

There comes a time when you need to consider that, actually, your children are your priority , even if it is Groomzilla and Bridezilla's Big Selectively-Child-Free Three Day Extravaganza. And while you might be willing to put yourself out to fit in with the demanding jealous and obstinate happy couple's plans, it's really not fair to put your children through all sorts of disruption and upset to satisfy any bride's child-favouritsm whims.

Please, please, please don't make the cake if you end up not going to the wedding or pissing about sorting child care. In fact, might be an idea to tell your brother now that you won't be able to sort the cake because, even if you do go, you'll be far too busy sorting child care arrangements and checking on the children to have time to deal with a cake.

5Foot5 · 29/09/2011 13:29

"so my only compromise at the moment is to bring them with us and have a nanny all day and evening, but DB is still saying I should leave them at home. "

So you are proposing to respect the bridezilla's their wishes for a child free ceremony, reception and evening do and he still thinks he can dictate to you what you do with your children. WTF!!??

I understand you don't want to create any bad feeling but I think you or your Mum or someone should point out to him what a nob he is being.

I do generally have some sympathy with the child free wedding idea but I think people have to be sensible about this. Excluding your only sibling's children is astonishingly mean to my mind. Surely friend's with children would be able to understandthe distinction between your children and theirs

anonacfr · 29/09/2011 14:14

Specially when said sibling is making the cake and is unbelievably nice and patient about the whole thing!

Seriously. Your brother is an adult. In his forties (if I remember correctly). Tell him to fuck off.
Tell him if he wants you and his cake at the wedding the kids will be in a hotel with a nanny (that he should be paying for quite frankly) and if he doesn't like it he can swivel.

I am so Angry on your behalf. Aren't you mad???

Eglu · 29/09/2011 14:27

I really think your DB is being such an arse about this that I just wouldn't go at all. How dare he tell you not to even take your DC to Devon. Who is he to decide that you should spend 3 days away from your DC.

It is even more rude when you are doing them a favour by making the cake. You are being far too nice OP.

Eglu · 29/09/2011 14:29

anonacfr I think the OP should be much angrier too.

SheWhoMustNotBeFlamed · 29/09/2011 14:34

Please don't go. Make the cake by all means, in fact be pleasant and lovely, but don't go. You could spend the hotel / entertainer / babysitter cash on doing something memorable as a family. Going to the wedding would be memorable for all the wrong reasons, however many compromises you tried to make.

And when DB wants you to look after his kids in a few years time so he can go to a child-free wedding, say no.

warthog · 29/09/2011 14:41

extraordinary groomzilla.

i really really hope that if he has kids one day, looks back and cringes at his behaviour and gives you a full apology.

squidworth · 29/09/2011 14:52

There is no happy outcome lines have been drawn even if they offer to have the children at the wedding the atmosphere will be strained and future relationship strained. I would sadly decline and wish them all the best and that no matter how much notice someone gives you three days childcare that you are not comfortable with is never going to happen.

whathellcall · 29/09/2011 14:55

I don't think the bride has realised that your children are going to be part of her family too once she's married to your brother. My partner was considered my niece's uncle before we were even married. I didn't invite the children of all my friends and cousins to my wedding, tbh more of a numbers thing, but my niece was flower girl and if i'd had any more nieces/nephews or close family members who were children I would have been trying to get them involved in the wedding, never mind just invited! Also if any of my friends or extended family had requested to bring children because of difficulties with leaving them I would have went out of my way to accommodate them. How could you enjoy your day if you didn't think your guests were having a good time Confused.

clam · 29/09/2011 15:01

I notice he said that your kids couldn't come because it "wouldn't be fair on his friends who have kids too."

So he's willing to offend you, his own sister, rather than some friends, who as far as anyone knows might not have an issue with leaving their kids behind. I think most people would understand a "no kids" rule but exceptions made for close family.

I suspect it might be to do with the "boisterous" nature of your 2yo, tbh.

ShoutyHamster · 29/09/2011 15:11

Wow. I'd have pulled out by now, I think. Really quite upsetting. Great way to celebrate joining two families, eh? What a wonderful impression your SIL to be is making. What a tosspot your brother is. How dare they take your mum's money and then be so ungracious - yes, if you don't want to feel some obligation to family at YOUR wedding... pay for it yourself, and that includes the cake.

Dexifehatz · 29/09/2011 15:12

When did these 'no kids' '3,that's 3 day weddings' spring up from? Is it a class thing? Round our way you get married at about 2 0'clock,small meal for close family and then an evening reception.Bride and groom go on honeymoon next day.Sorted.None of this 3 day expensive shannanigans.

Vicky2011 · 29/09/2011 15:18

OP you are being WAY too nice here. I'm normally understanding of child-free weddings but expecting you to be away for 3 days is completely out of order. I would regretfully decline the invite and say he's welcome to the cake but he will be organising it's transit to the wedding as you will not be coming to Devon.

anonacfr · 29/09/2011 15:18

It might be a culture thing but all our family weddings (in France) have included toddlers/children running all over the place through the service, reception, dinner, dance floor etc and no one's cared.
Parents keep a (distant) eye on their LOs while drinking less than they might do and everyone's happy and the kids have a ball. Usually the couple provide a baby sitter with room in the venue for the younger kids that get tired and that's it.
I don't know about 3 days but in France if you get married in your childhood home and people have to travel you have a next day meal for closer friends/relatives which tends to consist of leftover (food/drinks) of the night before. Lots of hungover people basically. And kids.

SheWhoMustNotBeFlamed · 29/09/2011 16:35

Hungover kids?

Wormshuffler · 29/09/2011 17:17

I would still make the cake, it would look like you were being petty if you don't, but then regretfully decline the invitation on the grounds that you have no child care. Say DSinL has said no due to having a newborn and MinL can ony do it for a day.
Hopefully He would sooner bend his rules rather than have his sister not there.

Mia4 · 29/09/2011 17:18

I don't mean to sound horrible OP, not trying to upset you, but from reading the comments it sounds like he just doesn't want your kids there. For whatever reason. I mean the wedding is understandable, YWBBU if you were PO just because it's CF regardless of family ties, but to leave them for three days and not have them at family gatherings the day after is really off. He's sounding more unreasonable and a tad entitled to refuse them anywhere within a 100-mile radius of the postcode.

I would go the wedding, take the kids down with you but not to the wedding-arrange child care for them for that time, then perhaps not bother with the rest of what he wants and do your own thing or see the rest of the family. I certainly would think twice about going out of my way for them in future! It's fair plays to them to say no kids at a one-day event but to demand it for three days takes the razz.

I plan to have a CF wedding, including my niece (mainly because much as i love her my sister and brother-in-law well over indulge, spoil and i know she'll be bratty and ruin things, hell I'll admit that is the reason it's CF, my other sisters kids and mates are great), but they know in advance, it's a one day thing and i'm not narky if anyone can't make it because of that, it's their choice as having a CF wedding is mine.

clam · 29/09/2011 17:31

Just who is he expecting is going to pop up out of the woodwork between now and then who isn't around now as a viable babysitter? "Having plenty of time to sort it" is irrelevant. There are precious few people most of us know well enough to have our kids for 3 days (even if we were prepared to leave them that long on our own account) and if you haven't got anyone at this stage, then you won't have anyone by then either. My late MIL was fantastic with our kids and looked after them all the time, but I don't think I'd even have asked her for three days. Too much.

Inertia · 29/09/2011 18:16

Fair point Clam. Perhaps he expects the OP to grow a babysitter from seed, given that she apparently has plenty of time to sort it out.

SauvignonBlanche · 29/09/2011 18:59

Fingers crossed that your Mum makes him see sense!

MamaMaiasaura · 29/09/2011 20:09

The lady who made our cake (which we paid for) was the sister in law of my friend... She came to hogroast with her hubby and 2 young boys 5 & 2. Our attitude, more the Merrier.

Re prev post about one dc being excluded, could well have been mine 3 years ago.