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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to fear the whole 'school gate politics' thing??

158 replies

tryingtobemarypoppins2 · 27/09/2011 20:30

How clicky is it?? Will anyone like me??? Will my child be the only one not invited to parties????
We haven't really got involved in all the village play dates/meet in the parks things as we haven't really been invited/always busy with work, nursery, swimming etc etc.....AIBU to really worry about the clicks which seem to be formed already?

OP posts:
thepuddingchef · 27/09/2011 20:34

oh yes be fearful......just don't show it and you''ll be fine Wink

catgirl1976 · 27/09/2011 20:38

YABU - I am expecting my first so havent experienced it yet but have no fear whatsoever. Why would I fear a load of mums at a school gate? Yes - imagine if they didnt invite me to the tupperware party........terrifying.....

Don't worry - you'll be fine :)

troisgarcons · 27/09/2011 20:41

Clique

be afraid very afarid.

You see - its not your child that is important or vetted - its YOU!

There, now thats cheered you up, I'll go wreck havoc elsewhere Grin

AurraSing · 27/09/2011 20:41

It's like being back at school again, only 100% worse. Grin

BiggerAndBadder · 27/09/2011 20:44

i hated it!
i now have 4 teenagers so no worries now.
i felt paranoid if my kids didnt get invited
there was the 'tough' crowd who were probably ex school 'bullies' or tough in crowd at secondary - and i was shit scared of them and what they thought of me at school playground
there was the 'posh' crowd who i also didnt fit in with coz we arent posh!
it definitely is all about you and how you come across, not your kid!
be VERY AFRAID!
OR VERY SELF ASSURED!

barbie007 · 27/09/2011 20:45

I think the school gates is the one placee where you can be surrounded by peple and yet feel extremely lonely. I still get that feeling of not belonging....and my eldest is eleven!

My advice is to just let your child make friends with whoever they chose and take it from there. If you end up being friendly with your dcs friends mums, then great. But beware of nosey mums, gossips and those who want to win popularity contests and don't take things personally......I'm still not invited to many coffee mornings but hey, it could be worse...

Whatmeworry · 27/09/2011 20:49

YANBU, its real....but the trick is to have as little to do with it as possible. The sad game is establishing the playdate/party pecking order, and it is played hard by some - but the best is to avoid much contact, evade judgement, ignore barbs, and let your child make friends with who they will.

And as for Coffee Mornings - you are in so long as you are prepared to whinge about...well, everything really.

itisnearlysummer · 27/09/2011 20:50

I have one friend from DS's primary school days. I anticipate I shall have a similar number of 'friends' once DD has left primary school too.

I've been bullied in the playground, ignored, and confronted. All as an adult. I never had any issues at school. It's a really shitty place to be a parent.

Do I care? No, not really. I did, a bit, when DS was younger, but then I was younger too. Nowadays, I have far more interesting things to do than get involved in playground politics.

Although I am better at playing the game nowadays too!

Feminine · 27/09/2011 20:58

I infiltrated every single one of the cliques at my son's school...

BLOODY hard work ...at the end of it, I could stand and wait with anyone Grin

I am not joking ,I really did.

Best thing was, it totally evaporated the cliques ...and I met wonderful parents.

Good luck ~things are not always how they appear...

Jamandham · 27/09/2011 20:59

Sounds scary. All this to look forward to !

MarshaBrady · 27/09/2011 21:00

I don't think we have any politics at our school gate. Everyone is very friendly and lovely. How can that be?

addressbook · 27/09/2011 21:01

The sad game is establishing the playdate/party pecking order, and it is played hard by some

So true. And I often think the school playground is a small yet metaphorically large representation of the human condition

Whatmeworry · 27/09/2011 21:03

I don't think we have any politics at our school gate. Everyone is very friendly and lovely. How can that be

You're not paranoid enough :o

bluelaguna · 27/09/2011 21:04

It's really sad. Before my DC went to school, I used to wonder what there was to worry about. After a couple of years, I hate the playground. Most people are totally fine but there are the few that are frankly terrifying.

MarshaBrady · 27/09/2011 21:04

It's the huge sunglasses I wear. I can't see anything Grin

ElaineReese · 27/09/2011 21:05

Never been an issue. Some people like other people more..... once in a few years someone might be annoyed with someone in a quiet sort of way..... that's been about it!

Guess I've been lucky!

bluelaguna · 27/09/2011 21:06

Marsha - there are some people who appear to be friendly and lovely but turn out to be psychos! They are the most dangerous ones!

MarshaBrady · 27/09/2011 21:07

Haha this is making me laugh.

CrackerFactory · 27/09/2011 21:07

I loathe the playground but have never been able to pinpoint exactly what it is I hate, its like some kind of ghastly atmosphere floating on the periphery of my counciousness that I can't quite define.

pigletmania · 27/09/2011 21:07

Oh yes be afraid, be very afraid, NOT! Who gives a hoot, you go there take your child to school and go back home or wherever. At kickout time you collect your child, make pleasentaries and go back home.

Hassled · 27/09/2011 21:08

Oh it's fine. You need a bit of a thick skin, but 90% of them are going to just normal, standard people. Some will already have friends so they'll look like a clique whereas the reality is they're just a group of parents who happen to know each other.

Best way to get to know them individually is by asking them in for a cup of tea/glass of wine when they pick up the child you've invited home after school. I've made some good friends that way. Or go down the PTA route - again, you get the odd nutter but most are parents using it as a way to make friends.

worraliberty · 27/09/2011 21:09

Almost 17yrs as a 'school mum' and I have never seen 'cliques' and 'school gate politics'....just some Mums who happen to get along and become good mates, and a fair few Mums who make themselves feel inferior by banging on about 'cliques' and 'yummy mummies' because some of the women look fantastic.

Just don't get involved, be yourself and remember the whole reason you're there in the first place.

MorbidlyMoribund · 27/09/2011 21:09

It has never bothered me. DS1 has one or two real friends and DS2 is mr confident / popular anyway ... and neither of them had friends home other than once or twice a term....do not get into the 'everyone is at everyone's house every night' trap. Learn to say no and mean it....

There is no one at my school gate (DS are yr 6 and 4) that i would care less if i ever saw again tbh ... all we have in common are our DCs ages...

catgirl1976 · 27/09/2011 21:10

Totally agree with piglet! I have never been intimidated by anyone in my life and I can't imagine it starting now

frutilla · 27/09/2011 21:11

I am actually considering home-ed because I don't think I can face all this. I was phobic about school until teenage years....do you think state schools are less or more cliquey than independents?