Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to fear the whole 'school gate politics' thing??

158 replies

tryingtobemarypoppins2 · 27/09/2011 20:30

How clicky is it?? Will anyone like me??? Will my child be the only one not invited to parties????
We haven't really got involved in all the village play dates/meet in the parks things as we haven't really been invited/always busy with work, nursery, swimming etc etc.....AIBU to really worry about the clicks which seem to be formed already?

OP posts:
catgirl1976 · 28/09/2011 09:17

Its not that I cut off anyone new exotic I just can't imagine why I would have the need to talk to random women at the school gates.

porcamiseria · 28/09/2011 09:25

I am so glad I work and I dont have to deal with this shit, if I have it my way I will never do a drop off! god thats mean

but took a day off friday and the local mums annoyed the shit out of me

seeker · 28/09/2011 09:27

"Its not that I cut off anyone new exotic I just can't imagine why I would have the need to talk to random women at the school gates"

Only on mumsnet are women dropping their children off at school a completely different species to women you might meet at work, or at the gym, or at a martial arts class or in the National Gallery.

And only on mumsnet are people so keen to prove that they are a different and superior species to " homo schoolgatemum"

catgirl1976 · 28/09/2011 09:29

No - I wouldn't talk to random women at the gym, martial arts class or in the National Gallery either

seeker · 28/09/2011 09:33

How do you make friends then?

aldiwhore · 28/09/2011 09:33

SOMETIMES there are no politics. More often than not its easy to ignore it if you're only dipping your toe in, because the gossip and latest drama doesn't reach your ears.

Don't WORRY about it. I found smiling and saying a simple 'hi' made me approachable to mums who were handing out invites, and allowed me a avoid the clique.

I'm lucky in that ours is a relatively happy playground with a real mix of people, its taken me about 3 years to suss out who the cliques are (usually they're the ones I've heard any nasty gossip from) so I'm careful what I tell them. I've also made a couple of firm friends, though that friendship doesn't develop in the playground (quick 'hi' and a 'catch you later' followed by a text saying 'coffee??') but through making an effort outside of it.

If its REALLY awful, shades on, last minute drop offs, last minute pick ups are key!!

seeker · 28/09/2011 09:34

"but took a day off friday and the local mums annoyed the shit out of me"

Jesus wept!

MumblingRagDoll · 28/09/2011 09:38

People seem to care too much....I don't give a shit if anyone looks down at me...the only reason I can see for people to be afraid of not being accepted, is that ther child might suffer through lack of invites.

But that's irrelevant...kids choose their own friends.

If anyone doesn't like me, that's their loss....if anyone tried to alter friendships for their own machinations...that's their choice and they will be in for a shock later when their kids choose their own pals.

catgirl1976 · 28/09/2011 09:38

I really don't need any more friends, but I even if I did I wouldn't start talking to random strangers. I meet people through work, interests and socialising etc but I don't just start making small talk with people in the street or the gym. Maybe I am just really anti-social :)

TLD2 · 28/09/2011 09:39

Why would anyone be fearful of a bunch of strangers talking to you or not?

I go and stand by myself and no one talks to me, just how I like it. I don't care about any of them, don't know them and don't want to. I have my own life.

MumblingRagDoll · 28/09/2011 09:40

I think many people are TOO involved in their kids school life....its the kids day...their learning and groing place...not ours!

NinkyNonker · 28/09/2011 09:40

There are certainly a lot of unique individuals on MN, self professed loners who never fit in with the school gate mums. Amazing to find so many in one place, especially given that chances are some of them will be at the same school.

Dd is one, so I have no axe to grind. I just feel a little cynical at the number of people who are too intelligent, not interested in popular culture, work too hard etc to possibly get on with, gasp, other mothers....

MumblingRagDoll · 28/09/2011 09:41

TLD2 I think its what I said...they think THEIR popularity (or lack of it)...will reflect on ther child.

2rebecca · 28/09/2011 09:42

I found the whole school clique thing irrelevent as a working mum with my own friends. I just picked the kids up if I was around after school, smiling at the women I knew but not hanging around for that long to pay much attention to it all. I didn't see it as any different to picking them up from anything else. My kids had friends and went to parties. I think alot of women over analyse things. If you go to the school gates wanting to make friends and become part of a particular social circle then things may be different. Yes some of the women are in cliques, but that's usually just because they live near each other, or grew up in the area and have known each other for years, or are friends for other reasons. I don't feel threatened by other women having friends. No-one was ever unpleasant to me.

Blueberties · 28/09/2011 09:44

I don't trust people who think school mums are beneath them. Get over it. You are one. Life's too short.

catgirl1976 · 28/09/2011 09:46

I don't think they are beneath me. I just think they are a colleciton of people I don't know, much like the queue in the post office or people on a train. I wouldn't feel the need to start up a conversation with them either.

MumblingRagDoll · 28/09/2011 09:47

That's right 2Rebecca....I think some Mums don't have enough to worry about! Or as you say...over analyse things.

gethelp · 28/09/2011 09:49

Every class develops its own dynamic, my dd's had a group of pfb mum's of girls who controlled every aspect of their social lives. So we regularly had the "I'm not invited to X's party, she wants me to come but her mum says I can't" I used to send along a present (which was usually opened straight away in the playground) just to watch the mum's pink face, and 'oh dear why don't they come round for tea another day'
But then I am a vindictive cow. I can choose my friends and my children can choose theirs, sadly not everyone follows this policy - social engineering at its nastiest.

aldiwhore · 28/09/2011 09:51

Actually sometimes its very NICE to have friends who have children who are also friends... we're going on holiday with 2 other families, our kids get on well, and so do we. All started with a 'hello'.

I don't really give a stuff about the cliques, or the toocoolforschoolrunmums, but I will say hello if they pass me. Its just good manners if nothing else.

But then, I'm a PTA nutbag allegedly. I LIKE being able to say hello to everyone, sometimes people like their own space and you learn quick enough not to badger them, but some people are actually just shy, and do appreciate ONE scary mother saying 'morning'.

ONE friend of mine IS a toocoolfortheschoolrunmum... she detests it, I met her in the playground, she was scowling, I said hi... we now spend many pleasant hours mocking each other over wine.

gethelp · 28/09/2011 09:52

I have to say catgirl1976 I have read other things you've written and everyone will want to be your friend. And you will drive them CRAZY with your approach! Hheheheheh!

ilovemydogandMrObama · 28/09/2011 09:52

But catgirl they aren't 'random strangers' -- they are people you will see every day for the next 5 - 7 years, depending on whether your DC goes to Infant or Primary school. Your child will develop friendships with their DCs, and be invited to their houses for birthday parties etc.

catgirl1976 · 28/09/2011 09:58

Well if my DCs become close with their DCs etc then I might develop a friendship with them on those grounds - I'm not a hermit or a total cow, but I'm not going to start skipping up to them and making conversation on day one in the hope that they might like me and we will become great pals and go on holidays together and plait each others hair and stuff!

gethelp - not sure if that's sarcastic but if not, I want to be your friend Grin

2rebecca · 28/09/2011 09:59

I don't think school mums are beneath me, I didn't dislike them, most of them were just women I didn't know, or knew by sight. I'm not someone who needs to be part of every group of people they meet. Also my kids' primary school had 3 different entrances and the women I knew best met their kids at the other entrances. I think there are other options between either being scared of the mums at the school or looking down on the mums at the school. I saw myself as a mum at the school for a couple of minutes every day 2-3 times a week. It wasn't anything to get worked up about, any more than being a mum at swimming classes, gymteds etc.
I'm happy to go to things, be friendly but not expect to make new best friends. I go for my kids, not for me.

gethelp · 28/09/2011 10:03

I am vindictive - not two faced catgirl, seriously you will be the one they all want, (I am not your stalker) but I remember the handsome husband/horses/great job you mentioned, that combined with a cheerful confident attitude will be like honey to bees.

catgirl1976 · 28/09/2011 10:05

Ah thanks gethelp :) I have just been very lucky :)

Swipe left for the next trending thread