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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to fear the whole 'school gate politics' thing??

158 replies

tryingtobemarypoppins2 · 27/09/2011 20:30

How clicky is it?? Will anyone like me??? Will my child be the only one not invited to parties????
We haven't really got involved in all the village play dates/meet in the parks things as we haven't really been invited/always busy with work, nursery, swimming etc etc.....AIBU to really worry about the clicks which seem to be formed already?

OP posts:
seeker · 28/09/2011 10:05

Apart from anything else, wait til your car breaks down, you're hit by a ghastly D&V bug or, to reference another thread, you need to go to a funeral. You might find that you wish you had lowered yourself to level of the "homo schoolgatemum" for long enough to have a few numbers in your phone of people you could rely on to look after your child......

gethelp · 28/09/2011 10:06

My hair's too short for plaits (smile)

TurkeyBurgerThing · 28/09/2011 10:06

Don't worry about it. Why on earth would you worry about what other people think of you?!? What other people think of you only has bearings on their lives. Life it too short to give a flying fuckwank what other's think.

gethelp · 28/09/2011 10:06

GrrrrSmile

Flowerista · 28/09/2011 10:07

ilove good point. Why get your knickers in a twist for 7 years. Most people are nice if you make the effort too.

Smile and wave boys!

catgirl1976 · 28/09/2011 10:07

Ah boo.........ooh ooh we could do each other nails!! :)

Actually my nails are too short for that........erm........we could eat ice cream and watch films with George Clooney in?

MistyMountainHop · 28/09/2011 10:10

i really worried about this 2 years ago when my oldest started

i don't care any more :o

i only speak to people if they speak to me and i keep myself to myself

i have got friends already, i'm not bothered about making any more

2rebecca · 28/09/2011 10:19

I had people I could rely on to look after my children in emergencies, there is their father for one thing, but also my friends. I don't understand the attitude that presumes that if you don't stand and socialise at the school gates you have no friends and dislike the women who do. I think that attitude is rather threatening in an "if you don't join our clique your child will have no friends and no-one will ever help you" sort of way.
If when my kids were small one of their friend's mums had phoned me up and asked me to look after their kid after school because an emergency had come up I'd have done it, regardless of whether or not she was my friend.

notevenamousie · 28/09/2011 10:27

My DD has just started in reception - at pre-school I was that terrible outsider of a full time working single mum, but have been off work since my own mum died and tbh though I wouldn't have chosen the circumstances, getting to know a few people (and the I have friends why should I talk to you types exist but they can only upset me if I let them) and be a bit more of a part of DD's world has been very good for me. I think saying hello and chatting a bit can do a lot of good for most people's self esteem, and sharing the joys of first homework and how did you teach your 4 year old to tie their tie shouldn't be discounted. Maybe I am being too soppy but so far I have found you get out what you put in. When I feel a bit self conscious and isolated and don't talk to anyone, no one talks to me, and I feel more isolated, when I say hello, isn't it a lovely day, has Ellie/Matthew/etc settled in ok so far, people take an interest in me, and I go home feeling better. I often walk to school a bit apprehensive but we're 3 weeks in and I seem to be getting over myself!

MortBlackCatsandWitch · 28/09/2011 11:17

I drive to school and back - it is only the other end of the village (about a 10 minute walk) ... it's to avoid the dull chatter from the walking mums...they always say just the same thing every day.....

....i end up getting home and into the studio at 9:45 sometimes because they dawdle on the way back to our houses - i can't bear it. That's quite a portion of my working day if i don't get going until 10am...

....and yes, i could stomp off ahead but look much less of a stroppy git waving from the car .... sadly i look like an idle git too....

exoticfruits · 28/09/2011 19:04

I find people very strange!
They are just a cross section of women-not a special breed!

It seems inverted snobbery to me-saying 'I may have a DC but I am a very exciting, interesting person-nothing like every other woman with a DC'.

If you are so interesting why haven't you the wit to raise the conversation beyond the dull chatter? Have you not thought that the woman that you think is deadly dull is looking at you and thinking the same? If you actually bothered to chat you might find that you had a lot in common and that neither of you were dull.

The first thing that you need when your DC starts school is a support network-someone to share Beaver, football lifts etc-to ring if you are delayed and are going to be 10 mins late at school etc.

I would love to know who this 'woman at the school gate is'-what are the characterists? I find that, like work, the gym, hobbies etc they are all different.

Insomnia11 · 28/09/2011 19:12

DD2 is in year 2 and I can't say as I've experienced any "politics".

scottishmummy · 28/09/2011 19:19

fortunately work means you might get to avoid the school gate wags

exoticfruits · 28/09/2011 19:28

Basically it seems to mean that the vast majority are way above being 'a mum at the school gate'-you are all there, but each is saying 'I am different'!

scottishmummy · 28/09/2011 19:33

the school gate wags are cliquey
still its positive keeps them away from normal folk

BsshBossh · 28/09/2011 19:55

I don't fear the school gate parents at all as I don't have too much time to socialise at drop off and pick up due to work and I have good friends already. But I do fear my DD (3) suffering as a result of me not "playing the game": if I don't get more involved in it all then won't the other parents not want my little DD for playdates? That's all I care about.

exoticfruits · 28/09/2011 19:59

DCs make their own friends.

exoticfruits · 28/09/2011 20:02

There really isn't 'a game to play'. Your DC likes a DC, you find the parent and ask the DC to tea. (unless you have the MN type who must have known them 5 yrs, inspected the kitchen and seen a CRB check you will be OK).

addressbook · 28/09/2011 20:18

If you are so interesting why haven't you the wit to raise the conversation beyond the dull chatter?

Oh so true

motherinferior · 28/09/2011 20:28

I have friends. I am always up for making more friends. I like people.

BsshBossh · 28/09/2011 20:31

At what age for DCs do people feel comfortable not having to invite the parents round too then (if you don't know or perhaps even don't like the parent)? DD is only 3 but at preschool. There have been a couple of playdates but always with parents in attendance. Not that I mind but I like doing other stuff (even work) whilst my DD plays with her friends...

MortBlackCatsandWitch · 28/09/2011 20:38

Well primarily because i can't be arsed anymore - if the topic of conversation hasn't got past the weather today and for the foreseeable, nappies, reading stages and whether or not you plump up your cushions daily* after four years - it isn't going to improve.

This is just my experience obv - not everywhere is like this. The mums and dads at my school never seem to read, watch tv (apart from soaps), listen to any news or have opinions on anything....It does my head in.

This is obv a different problem to cliques etc. - it's the experience of me at my DSs school. I assume there are interesting folk out there - i suspect they don't dawdle home after the school run.

*this is not a word of hyperbole

cjbartlett · 28/09/2011 20:42

'The first thing that you need when your DC starts school is a support network-someone to share Beaver, football lifts etc-to ring if you are delayed and are going to be 10 mins late at school etc.

Not in my experience
that sort of thing comes over time
I hate the mums who come straight up to you , oh can you take Johnny tonight, and then never recriprocate
in my expereince your dcs make friedns first
then you become on nodding terms
then a note in the bookbag re playing togther
only after a ferw plays can you start broaching lifts
I've noticed a lot of mums have their parents on tap for all that so they don't bother making an effort

MumblingRagDoll · 28/09/2011 21:27

That's right cj....its organic. You can't stick a "support network" in place unless you already know people. And plenty don't.

exoticfruits · 28/09/2011 21:41

Of course it is over time-but you have to get to know people for it to happen over time.