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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to fear the whole 'school gate politics' thing??

158 replies

tryingtobemarypoppins2 · 27/09/2011 20:30

How clicky is it?? Will anyone like me??? Will my child be the only one not invited to parties????
We haven't really got involved in all the village play dates/meet in the parks things as we haven't really been invited/always busy with work, nursery, swimming etc etc.....AIBU to really worry about the clicks which seem to be formed already?

OP posts:
MoreCrackThanHarlem · 27/09/2011 22:18

Since when did a group of women having a picnic become a clique?

irregularegular · 27/09/2011 22:18

I haven't experienced any of this school gate politics at all and can't believe it's normal. I find almost everyone very friendly at our village primary. Of course, some groups of mums (and dads) socialize togethe more than others, but that doesn't make it 'cliquey'. It's just like an unusually pleasant and sociable workplace really.

Don't worry about it. Honestly. Go in with an open mind and join in as much or as little as you choose. Some people like to invent a problem where there really isn't one. And remember that only the exceptional school politics gets reported on MN - at most places there isn't anything interesting to post about!

lechatnoir · 27/09/2011 22:19

I love school the whole run/drop off and if there are 'cliques' I've certainly never noticed. Sometimes I'll stop for a chat with someone other times I'll just drop DS off and leave, sometimes there a groups of people chatting to which I'm not a part but it wouldn't cross my mind to thing they were actively shunning me or bitching about me Hmm

smugmumofboys · 27/09/2011 22:19

I miss the school gate as I'm now working ft. Ours isn't cliquey at all and I've made some lovely friends.

I am frequently convinced that I inhabit different world to many other posters.

pigletmania · 27/09/2011 22:24

They are together most of the time in the playground and walk together when I take dd to school. Mabey not so much a clique but a group of mums who get on

Stormwater · 27/09/2011 22:29

Why are cliques considered to be cliques, not just groups of friends? I'd sit in the park with my mates and their children having a picnic, but what's wrong with that? Clique makes it sound like people are being deliberately exclusive, but surely all anyone is doing is seeing their friends and chatting, like we all do. It's only excluding in that you don't happen to share the same friends.

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 27/09/2011 22:35

A group of male friends would never be labelled a clique.
And actually, for all the talk of bitchiness and exclusion on this thread, nobody has given any real examples of this, which says more about the person avoiding the other Mums than it does about the ones who, hold on to your hats ladies, speak to each other Hmm

catgirl1976 · 27/09/2011 22:38

I have plenty of friends - I don't imagine I will have much cause or desire to stop and "chat" to a bunch of random women I don't even know

Ripeberry · 27/09/2011 22:44

I go up to the school to drop off and pick up my children. I just sit in the car as long as possible and go as soon as they arrive at the gate.
Or, get there before anyone else and then make my own 'group'.
Easier than trying to get into an established 'group'.

exoticfruits · 27/09/2011 22:48

It's chatting to random women that helps the world go around! I always find it weird when people say 'I have plenty of friends' and cut anyone new off.
I have never found cliques-it just looks like that to a new person. Join the PTA is a good way to meet everyone.

minimisschief · 27/09/2011 22:55

why do you even need to talk to anyone? just go there, drop the child off and leave.

i mean it is not rocket science

Feminine · 27/09/2011 23:04

By my talking to all the 'cliques' I managed (as I said earlier) to disperse them.

The groups are not true cliques ,they are just different bunches of women.

Its good for the soul to get to know new mothers ,some become friends...all are humans.

Really its like anything ,some you win some you don't! :)

Whatmeworry · 27/09/2011 23:10

The School Gate thing is real, but it varies - DCs were at 3 different primary schools in their existences - one had no real school gate (a few Entitled and Sharp Elbowed people but that was it) , one had a sort of offish-but-were- fine-once-they-knew-you, and one had a clique of complete bitches who had very little better to do.

It only affects you if you care about it, and its harder to care and get sucked in if you are hardly there. Its pretty much gone by about year 7 as well, the kids are making their own friends by then.

MumblingRagDoll · 27/09/2011 23:16

Barbie hit it on the head...let the dC be mates with who they like....and it will all work out fine.

I am currently the "new girl" as we have canged schools....but DD has had invites and some Mums have chatted....some haven't but you can't please em' all! Grin

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 27/09/2011 23:17

Am interested in what these cliques do to earn their fearsome reputation?

MorbidlyMoribund · 27/09/2011 23:19

morecrack - i think all they need to do is Not. Include. You

iykwim

MumblingRagDoll · 27/09/2011 23:22

Just smile! Say hello....as I am new and still don't know who anyone is, I can ask "Are you so and so's Mum?" and if they look at me like this Hmm then I know they're not worth bothering with. Nobod HAS looked at me oddly....but we all fear rejection don't we?

The normal ones...the ones with lives, they're the ones who will happily askyour child to play because THEIR child has asked for it....the kids will all make new mates in high school and then nobody gets a say....and prmary oes FAST! My DD is lready halfway through!

CocktailQueen · 27/09/2011 23:25

cliques!!!

And they're not cliques, they're friendships! Just be nice and talk to people.

PootlePosyPerkin · 27/09/2011 23:26

smugmum - me too! Either our school playground mums are not cliquey or a) I am a subconscious member of the clique & people fear me (can't imagine that) or b) I am oblivious to the cliques & couldn't care less what people think of me. I really do think they're just not cliquey though - everyone talks to everyone.

chickydoo · 27/09/2011 23:28

Be afraid, Be very afraid! unless you are in with in crowd, could be a bumpy road ahead.

Mumcentreplus · 27/09/2011 23:30

They exist...I work full-time & just don't give a shit...so DH picks up and drops off and he has a man-crew..Wink

ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse · 28/09/2011 00:21

I have had 2 totally different school gate experiences; first was at DD1's primary school. A very aspirational middle class school with a lot of snooty parents that thought they were a cut above but evidently weren't wealthy enough to afford private school. Very cliquey and fine if your child was very brainy or very popular, or you gave the impression of a wealthy family. I didn't fit into any of those categories so very few mums wanted to speak to me. We eventually removed DD because of bullying and moved her to a different school, which DD2 now attends, and it's totally different there. Everyone with a very small number of exceptions, is friendly and says hello. I've made some great friends there. Others I'm not friends with as such but we still make small talk and say hello.

My advice would be just be yourself, focus on getting your child to and from school and if you make friends, great, if not don't beat yourself up about it.

ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse · 28/09/2011 00:22

And I totally agree too with the advice about letting your child make their own friends.

seeker · 28/09/2011 00:27

Bloody hell! Paranoia is alive and well!

Blueberties · 28/09/2011 00:29

"wreck havoc"

may i just say

ha ha ha

marvellous