to fear the whole 'school gate politics' thing??

[tryingtobemarypoppins2]

How clicky is it?? Will anyone like me??? Will my child be the only one not invited to parties????
We haven't really got involved in all the village play dates/meet in the parks things as we haven't really been invited/always busy with work, nursery, swimming etc etc.....AIBU to really worry about the clicks which seem to be formed already?

It happens but I couldn't give 2 shits. If silly cows don't invite my ds to parties because they don't really like me then thank god because ds will make decent friends with none daft parents children

I always talk to the parents who stand outside the gates with their dogs, they are always so much nicer :)
It's weird as I work at my sons school and I'm sure some parents think I'm some kind of double agent !!!

Wow- mumsnet bingo! School gate mums are a different, inferior species- and people with dogs ar nicer than people without!

I'm not there yet as DS is still wee but I plan to approach it in the manner of a prison yard face-off:

: Gosh Malinois, you have such interesting dress sense, who would have though that bike leathers would go so well with a Chanel scarf. And I hear that Malinois-jnr actually has two mummies, how do you cope without a husband to keep you in RangeRovers??

(massive headbut) Who's the mummy? WHO'S THE MUMMY????

My child has just started nursery at pre-prep and it's fun.

The other mothers of his classmates are really friendly. We have already had a number of playdates and two parties. I am planning mine. I had no idea that being a school mum was such a social whirlwind (coffee mornings, school events). I thought that I would have lots of spare time for the gym.

Veteran here...when I was in 'nam (sorry flashback)...ok here's my perspective. There are some people who view the school gate as irrelevant. Drop and go they do. There are some who are chatty but see it as yet another part of their day, there are some who view it as important to get to know people who their children (often quite young) are going to be socialising with, there are some who want to build a social life around it, and there are some who rely on it for total emotional and practical support.

There are no rules and every year/class is different as to the make-up of the people in it. The point is that none of these approachs are right or wrong. The secret is to work out what is it you want from the school run, and realise that others may want something else. This does not make them needy or cliquey, it does not make them up themselves or stand offish. It makes them human. I have seen at the school gate great acts of kindness and sacrifice, I have also immoral behaviour and despicable unkindness.

Until you work out what you want and what others want here are my top tips. 1. Actually stand with people.

1. Smile, I mean properly smile.
2. Say hello,
3. Keep it in perspective.
4. Eat chocolate

IF you want to make friends and not feel isolated/left out then it's up to you to make an effort. Get in before the cliques form! I am the person who started "mums nights out/in" in various schools my children attended over the years. At best (first child at school so important to me to make friends) it did lead to friendships that lasted over years (and continents), at worst (third child in school so busy and a bit over it but in a new country so didn't know a soul) it has led to knowing some nice people who support each other when necessary and who look out for each others' kids. I don't have huge sympathy with people who expect others to do all the running tbh, even if you don't always feel like it generally you get out what you put in.

My DD is 7, and luckily, because we live in an outlying village to the one her school is in, the school mini-bus collects her in the morning and a small handful of other similar kids and drops them off each evening.

However, I did do the run for a short while while she was settling into Year R, and I met a some lovely Mums, one of which I see socially out of school and would say is a good friend. I know others, and their names, but because I don't rock up at the school on a regular basis, they ignore me on the few occasions that I do. The downside to this is that DD does not get invited to many parties, which is hugely unfair as her teachers always tell me how popular she is, so it MUST be that Mums decide who gets an invite and who does not. For the most part, this makes me feel bad, but I guess if she doesn't know, it's fine.

DS has started nursery and because my DM or DH usually collect him, I see the same thing happening there too - there are Mums which seem to have evolved into BFFs in the space of a year and I just don't get how that happens - I am friendly and talkative but must manage to look very, very invisible!

So yes, it's not a pleasant thing, but we all probably feel a bit the same so I just remember that.

I love your post yourefired :) :)

DD1 started at reception a few weeks back, and I can honestly say I haven't noticed any cliques forming? There are a few mums who brisk in and out without so much as a cursory nod in my direction, but I assume they're busy, busy, busy. So far I've chatted to anyone and everyone who's reciprocated my rather gorgeous and alluring smile :o :o and have invited the same to a macmillan coffee morning thingamy.

Right not read any posts - apart from in the Daily Mail I have never come across 'cliques' or 'bitches' at the school gate. Yet more cliches and women bashing.

Groups of friends - yes (not 'cliques'), awkward or shy or busy or stressy mums - yes, not these awful mythical creatures who go out of their way to hurt, intimidate and bully.

Yes it's hard in any situation to make new friends, break into a conversation or introduce yourself but we all have to grow up and do it.

But to decide they are all cows because of one's own issues or awkwardness is utterly ridiculous.

I notice different groups of friends but talk to everyone.I have never noticed anything nasty but maybe because I am not interested.

I noticed the bitchiness more 20 odd years ago when my sons were at school but this time round,but this time round (D has just started reception) I see it all a bit differently.

Maybe because I am older and have more self confidence

I think the whole school gate thing is sad as hell. The idea is to get your kids to school - it's not supposed to be a social event for the parents! Honestly if that is all they've got going on in their lives - I'd rather not be a part of it anyway. A friend of mine was really into it "ooo so and so said this about so and so and then Emily's mum said this about Sarah's mum - it's all so exciting!" err ok saddo. I left school behind at 16.

Doesn't really bother me. I am friendly with people - there are people I feel more comfortable with. I never take it personally when my kids don't get invited to a party.

There's a mix of people because we live in London and most people didn't grow up where we live but moved there as adults.

I do wonder what it might be like if you live in an area where people have know each other since childhood and never moved away?

In our last school it took 3 years to get to know other Mums....the friennd of DD naturally became "friends" of mine...as in we chat on the phone and meet up for coffee sometimes...not real mates but kind of....it's a natural progression from playdates and parties to being able to call on them n an emergency etc.

We are in a new school and some Mums have gone out of their way to befriend us....others ignore....but people are shy/busy/self absorbed it's not malicious.

yep- really sad to wantnto chat and possibly make friend s with other women.
I think threads like these are among the saddest on mumsnet. Why are women sometimes so foul to other women?

In my experience there is less chatting going on and more bitching, Seeker.

"oh Tommy is only on level 3? Peter is on level 4 but he's always been way ahead"

"Nice boots, where did you get them?" (10 mins later to someone else) "oh did you see the boots Kayleigh's mum was wearing!! hehehe"

"Did you see Horace in the christmas play? he kept forgetting his lines - they should have given that part to someone a bit more - you know - "

"hey, did you know Amy is still only on level 1 reading books?? Bet her mum never reads with her, that will be why"

Seeker it's just insecurity...people are so afraid of rejection.

MI - what a vivid imagination you have! Is that how you imagine all women talk to each other, or just the mythical species "homo schoolgatemum"?

muthainsuperior I've NEVER heard those comments in the schoolyard!!

That is genuine experience!! I used to hover around the groups and listen to them - one time a coven was stood there laughing about the length of one kids trousers and nicknamed him "short trousers Alex".

Think I'm making it up if you want but I swear - that is what they were like.

One woman I did get kinda friendly with once text me saying we "had to meet" as she had some "really juicy gossip" that just couldn't be spoken about over texts I saw her the next day (at school, it certainly wasn't a special effort) and her "big gossip" was that "shannon" was no longer talking to "Aimee" and "Aimee's" mum had gone into school and complained and "shannon's" mum had got wind of it and was waiting to "see" Aimee's mum. I mean - really? Thank fuck I don't have the school run anymore.

Yes MuthaInsuperior You are so right that is exactly what it is like. Really sad I don't drop off 10 year old ds anymore but I do collect him from the school gates with the dogs. We only talk about dogs so no sad competetive bitchiness Xx

Eurgh my fears have been confrimed,,

can I make sure my DC stays a toddler forever so I dont have to do this :/

Be friendly to all but don't get entrenched in any cliques or bitchiness. Don't ever bitch about other mums or kids. If your child is picked on, tell the teacher not the parent. It never ends well to tell the parent. If you do that you will be fine.

And if anyone bitches to you about some other mum - rest assured they will be bitching about you to that other mum also.

I think it varies honestly. Schools in lower socio economic areas will have more SAHMs who have more time to gossip....so it's rife. I am allowed to judge because I LIVE in one of those areas. Luckily...we dont go to the school.