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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about SIL and sharing a bed?

265 replies

bumblybumblebee · 26/09/2011 01:16

I know I know but for Xmas we are all going to my grandparents house, though both dead now we all keep it as a holiday home thing and all use it equally. Their are 4 of us, DCs and our Parents

DP and I are not married and I'm pg with 3rd.
SIL of DBro2 is a very devout evangelical christian (my family are methodists - though we all vary in our devoutness).
I am the only one not married with a partner (both DBros are married and DSis is single)
SIL has said that she is uncomfortable sleeping in the same house as us knowing we are sleeping together and would it be possible for us to sleep in separate rooms? It is for this reason that they will not stay over at ours generally. She is very very uncomfortable about it

It's not her house neither is it mine.

So AIBU to tell her to take a hike and noway are we not sleeping in same bed just because doing so would make her uncomfortable?

OP posts:

NunTheWiser · 26/09/2011 01:20

YANBU.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/09/2011 01:22

You are pregnant with your third and she is uncomfortable with the idea that you might sleep with your DP? I think the damage has been done . She is BU.

PhilipJFry · 26/09/2011 01:23

You are not being unreasonable in the slightest. You're going to have your THIRD child with your partner- it's time she got over being squeamish about you two sharing your bed. A firm refusal is in order.

NadiaWadia · 26/09/2011 01:24

I think you know the answer. She is being VVU. Tell her to take a hike.

LeBOF · 26/09/2011 01:29

Seriously? Tell her that you are sorry her beliefs make her uncomfortable, but you are a family and your sleeping arrangements are your own affair.

Original poster

bumblybumblebee · 26/09/2011 01:31

In a way I do Nadia but suppose my thing is that it isn't clear as in what is the ettiquette. As in if her and DBro house then we would have separate rooms to each other (we may not like it but..) if they where at ours we would be in our bedrooms. If it was at DParents then it would be their choice which would mean we would be sharing. So i suppose it is because it isn't anyones home there is no rule.

OP posts:

my2centsis · 26/09/2011 01:37

YANBU... Just tell her you understand that her beliefs are important to her and when at her house you will go by her rules, but this isnt her house! I think its quite rude for her to say if you do not do as she says she will not be staying at the house anyway! Horrid situation you are in! Goodluck!

Vallhala · 26/09/2011 01:46

It isn't her house so she doesn't call the shots. Different if it was of course, then you'd respect her rules, as daft as they might seem to many of us.

If there is an issue of lack of respect or being made to feel uncomfortable here it's SIL who's causing it. She isn't respecting your lifestyle or family (and FGS, you're expecting your 3rd, you're hardly the new girlfriend!) and SHE is being thoughtless by making YOU feel uncomfortable. Hardly very Christian, is it?ous r

It's similar to any other house rule - here, dogs are welcome but I'd never take mine to anyone else's home without their express permission, we don't eat or serve meat but although we wouldn't eat it at yours either we don't expect you not to eat it or serve it to others. It's basic manners and frankly SIL seems to be forgetting hers! Ignore!

ShoutyHamster · 26/09/2011 01:48

Well you could say it's more your house than hers - they were your grandparents, after all. But of course you wouldn't be so rude as to suggest that.

Or, you could say to her that you find that her oppressive and bigoted viewpoints make you uncomfortable, so could she please refrain from her particular brand of Christianity whilst you are sleeping at the same house? Hmm, no, again I'm sure that you wouldn't be so rude as to suggest that either.

She is being amazingly rude, by the way. Religious belief isn't a get out card for being judgemental, pushy and inappropriate in approach. She's lucky her family aren't taking far more exception to her comments - it's the kind of thing family fall-outs are made of. So she doesn't approve of your set-up? I'm sure her comments have made you less than impressed with her set-up, but as I've said - you wouldn't be so rude as to say so. You should point that out to your brother, and make it quite clear that you don't appreciate being slagged off - which is what she is doing - and that if she has the problem, she stays away.

Morloth · 26/09/2011 01:57

Snort, tell her to get stuffed. How utterly ridiculous.

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 26/09/2011 02:07

She sounds like a barrel of laughs.

YANBU and you know it.

bintofbohemia · 26/09/2011 05:23

YANBU. She is bonkers.

nooka · 26/09/2011 05:37

I think I would say that I was sorry she was uncomfortable and then just leave it at that with no other engagement at all. With my own family if we were all staying somewhere together then it would be really under my parent's rules, and as they expect you to share (really bizarre to think that you wouldn't) then there's nothing to be said.

I imagine that your SIL is mostly bothered about whether you are having sex. I suppose you could always say that you'll be sharing a bed but not having sex, or alternatively that even if you had separate beds you'd still be having lots of sex, just to see how she reacts

mummytime · 26/09/2011 05:44

YANBU and theologically there is a strong argument to consider you and your DP as married. Sorry but your SIL needs to grow up a bit.

seeker · 26/09/2011 06:29

That's just ridiculous. Tell her to stop being so rude and intolerant and look to the beam in her own eye before she starts going on about the mote in yours. That'll give her something to think about!@

mynewpassion · 26/09/2011 07:00

Its not unreasonable for her to ask as she has strong faith and beliefs.

Its not unreasonable for you to say no since its not her house and your parents are fine with you sleeping together.

And say what nooka suggested in her first paragraph, no engagement.

Dolallytats · 26/09/2011 07:02

Wow, I didn't realise attitudes like your SIL's still existed!!! YADNBU!!! I'm just wondering if your brother shares her views?? Tell her you are a family and the sleeping arrangements will be the same as they are at home.

seeker · 26/09/2011 07:07

It is unreasonable for her to ask! Her faith is her business - how dare she attempt to impose it others in this way!

Inertia · 26/09/2011 07:12

Tell her that it's ok as you won't be sleeping, you plan to have rampant sex all night long.

Of course YANBU. She is being utterly ludicrous.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 26/09/2011 07:14

Don't you bloody dare go in seperate rooms! If you do, you are saying that you agree with her that there is something wrong in how you live your life!

Bollocks to her.

If she's uncomfortable, she doesn't have to come!

designerbaby · 26/09/2011 07:36

I'm an evangelical Christian too, and for me, that means no sex before marriage... But I still think YANBU!

Because while I don't believe in it, I don't expect those who don't share my beliefs to do the same...

If it were her house, then maybe she might have some kind if say, but even then, if you're on your third DC then she'd still be being silly. But she can't go around enforcing her views everywhere she chooses to sleep - does she check that every other guest in a hotel is married to the person they're sharing a bed with before checking in?

There are also your other DCs to consider - what will they think to have mummy and daddy in separate rooms?

She needs to accept that you are a family - maybe not set up in the way she would have chosen but a family nonetheless. To suggest otherwise is unkind, frankly.

Maybe if she showed a little more grace and a little less judgement then her faith might be seen as the positive thing that I believe it to be.

For what it's worth my DSIL is a lesbian, and currently pregnant with twins with her partner. Yes, it leads to some delicate discussions with our DCs, but they live together, are a family, and if they stayed at ours they'd be in the same room, let alone if we were anywhere else.

Sometimes, there are things others do, that while you may not have chosen the same path yourself, you accept it because you love them, and to do otherwise wouldn't be loving, or graceful, or kind, and that's the most important thing.

I also think you've been very patient, OP.

Ignore her and carry on. If she wants to sleep elsewhere then that's her call. Pitch her a tent in the garden...

Db
Xx

peterpan99 · 26/09/2011 07:41

excellently put desinger.
Just because you believe in something, it doesnt mean you have to right to force it on other people. If it makes her uncomfortable, then thats her problem not mine!
She'd have heart failure at mine at christmas!

peterpan99 · 26/09/2011 07:42

Ps. because me and my sisters have DP but are not married

NinkyNonker · 26/09/2011 07:47

Effectively this is your family home, whether your grandparents are still alive or not. You are hosting her, in theory, so she is being even more rude. Just politely day that no, you won't be sleeping in separate rooms and then don't engage any further.

NinkyNonker · 26/09/2011 07:48

Oh, and if she still kicks up a fuss she can sleep elsewhere.

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