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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about SIL and sharing a bed?

265 replies

bumblybumblebee · 26/09/2011 01:16

I know I know but for Xmas we are all going to my grandparents house, though both dead now we all keep it as a holiday home thing and all use it equally. Their are 4 of us, DCs and our Parents

DP and I are not married and I'm pg with 3rd.
SIL of DBro2 is a very devout evangelical christian (my family are methodists - though we all vary in our devoutness).
I am the only one not married with a partner (both DBros are married and DSis is single)
SIL has said that she is uncomfortable sleeping in the same house as us knowing we are sleeping together and would it be possible for us to sleep in separate rooms? It is for this reason that they will not stay over at ours generally. She is very very uncomfortable about it

It's not her house neither is it mine.

So AIBU to tell her to take a hike and noway are we not sleeping in same bed just because doing so would make her uncomfortable?

OP posts:
LoveInAColdClimate · 26/09/2011 07:49

YANBU. She is rude even for asking.

Dawndonna · 26/09/2011 08:02

tell her to grow up.

Chochosan · 26/09/2011 08:05

Her expectations are arrogant and offensive. How dare she impose her beliefs on you...even in her own home. Religious belief should inform how one lives one's OWN life...not give you the sense of entitlement that others should follow your beliefs. Its downright offensive that she should even express this opinion to you, rather than just keeping her mouth shut.
I think that religion starts to become sinister when people believe others should fall into line with their beliefs for fear of offence...very scary.
How do you explain to your children why you sleep apart in her house?
You SIL needs to learn her expectations are selfish, arrogant and offensive. Tell her to take a hike!

Chochosan · 26/09/2011 08:06

...i could have just agreed with Designer, if id read the thread fully, and saved the typing :)

Birdsgottafly · 26/09/2011 08:08

Just reasure her that you won't have noisey sex.

Sharing a bed can be done without 'doing the deed'. She is displaying the usual 'if we generally ignore it, it doesn't happen' attitude, (often displayed by the Catholic faith towards sexual abuse of children).

As you have DC's tell her no, you are a couple in every sense, if she cannot respect that, though.

MorelliOrRanger · 26/09/2011 08:12

YANBU - what a ridiculous suggestion - surely if she doesn't want to sleep in the same house as you 'sinners' then let her get on with it.

How dare she - surely with 2 children and a 3rd on the way you are very much as committed as any married couple anyway.

Have fun at Xmas in your grandparents house and she can drive from the b&b she'll no doubt be staying in :)

nokissymum · 26/09/2011 08:13

Just like designer Evan. Christian too and believe in marriage first, however we live in a world where not everything is perfect as we would wish and need to apply wisdom and understanding in all situations like this one, Sil is being silly, in addition to all whats been said what if something happened in the night and you were all on your own in another room ? What happens if you go to spend the night at hers ? How will she answer dc when they ask why daddy is in a different room or their mum ? This is not christianity but daft! daft! daft!

CeliaFate · 26/09/2011 08:27

This is precisely why I detest organised religion. It seems to enable some believers to think they can dictate to others how to live their lives. Tell her if she feels that uncomfortable then perhaps she should stay at a B+B.

How rude of her.
YANBU.

LDNmummy · 26/09/2011 08:34

WTAF? She sounds a bit of a fruit loop.

Mishy1234 · 26/09/2011 08:37

YANBU. I would tell her that it's her problem not yours and if she can't get over it then she should fine somewhere else to stay.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but she seems a bit nuts to me.

kat2504 · 26/09/2011 08:38

So rude of her. She should never have even asked.
Not believing in sex before marriage is fine. But that is her decision to make about her own life. Not to go interfering in your family life.

wellwisher · 26/09/2011 08:38

"SiL, we aren't going to sleep in separate rooms. If that means you feel you can't join us this Christmas, we'll miss you"

Gay40 · 26/09/2011 08:38

She is clearly insane if she thinks sleeping in separate beds is going to make any difference to your moral lives at this point. Seeing as you are going to have the evidence with you.
Excellent suggestions above, you could also add "Sure, but which room should we have sex in because frankly, I can't get enough at the moment."

GwendolineMaryLacey · 26/09/2011 08:42

Tough titty. She can find a hotel if it bothers her so much! Does she think the children were an immaculate conception then?

Geordieminx · 26/09/2011 08:47

Would you get a room to yourself?

If so, then grab it with both hands! Imagine... No snoring, being able to starfish in the bed...oh yes!Grin

YANBU btw Grin

nokissymum · 26/09/2011 08:53

Out of interest what does your brother have to say about all this ? Is he in agreement with his wife ? I cant understand why he would allow his wife to dictate to his sister what she can or cannot do in her own GPs house.

ZonkedOut · 26/09/2011 08:56

You could always try the line that you are committed to each other, so just because you don't have that piece of paper, doesn't mean you're not married in the eyes of God. That's how my Mum convinces herself that it's ok that my unmarried sister has 2 kids with her long term BF, at any rate.

kat2504 · 26/09/2011 08:58

I don't think she should have to justify herself to her SIL though!

HattiFattner · 26/09/2011 08:58

what a silly woman. I think wellwisher has it spot on....

"SiL, we aren't going to sleep in separate rooms. If that means you feel you can't join us this Christmas, we'll miss you"

jugglingwiththreeshoes · 26/09/2011 09:02

Agree with others YADNBU !
But just wonder how often you stay with SIL and DBRo2 at theirs ? You say you have separate bedrooms when you stay at theirs. I'm not sure I'd be happy to be doing that after 2 DC's, and expecting a third ! In a way it lends some credence to her beliefs that you may not want to be encouraging. Hence why she now thinks she can lay down the law at your grandparents house/ your collective family home, too.

Earthymama · 26/09/2011 09:05

Having had some experience of the intransigence of some Evangelical Christians, I was expecting some support for your loon of a SIL.

Instead designerbaby comes to the thread with her true Christian voice and talks of grace. Thank you Db and nkm, you challenged my assumptions on a Monday morning and made feel that the world is a better place.

OP you must come back and tell us what happens when you challenge her.

Whatmeworry · 26/09/2011 09:11

"Fuck Off" is a complete sentence :o

Maybe its actually all about who gets the best double beds ....

kungMoopannda · 26/09/2011 09:13

YANBU. She is being rude and presumptuous in assuming that her personal beliefs carry any weight whatsoever with anyone else. Would she be uncomfortable sleeping in the same house as you if you were Muslim and intended to pray in the house?

I think you are very courteous to accept the sleeping arrangements in her home. DP and I used to sleep separately if we stayed at his parents' house at Christmas simply because we didn't think his father would be comfortable otherwise, but after we had been together for a number of years we graduated to sleeping in the same room and he never raised a murmur about it. If anyone now suggested we should sleep separately with our second child on the way I would think them extremely rude.

I would be inclined to be firm and clear with your SIL - no apology, no justifying yourself. Simply "We won't be sleeping separately and I am quite surprised you would suggest it given our family situation. Please don't bring this up again as it is rude."

worraliberty · 26/09/2011 09:16

Oooh the shame and scandal of 'living over the brush'!! Grin

Seriously, I don't think I've ever heard of someone more controlling in my life.

Tell her she's welcome to stay home if reality is all too much for her

Floggingmolly · 26/09/2011 09:21

Someone unthread said it's not unreasonable to ask, given her strong beliefs. That's complete nonsense. We all have strong beliefs about some things, religious or not, but it in no way gives us the right to pontificate to other people how they should live their lives. It's a completely personal thing. Yes, she's being an interfering cow, and no, you should not take any notice whatsoever. Ignore, ignore, ignore.