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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about SIL and sharing a bed?

265 replies

bumblybumblebee · 26/09/2011 01:16

I know I know but for Xmas we are all going to my grandparents house, though both dead now we all keep it as a holiday home thing and all use it equally. Their are 4 of us, DCs and our Parents

DP and I are not married and I'm pg with 3rd.
SIL of DBro2 is a very devout evangelical christian (my family are methodists - though we all vary in our devoutness).
I am the only one not married with a partner (both DBros are married and DSis is single)
SIL has said that she is uncomfortable sleeping in the same house as us knowing we are sleeping together and would it be possible for us to sleep in separate rooms? It is for this reason that they will not stay over at ours generally. She is very very uncomfortable about it

It's not her house neither is it mine.

So AIBU to tell her to take a hike and noway are we not sleeping in same bed just because doing so would make her uncomfortable?

OP posts:
ShoutyHamster · 26/09/2011 12:28

Pendeen.

The OP has been insulted, quite nastily. Why should she disregard it?

Seeing as the OP is the one who's been addressed, at the moment, she's the one having the reaction... so yes it is her reaction that's important.

Yes, it's a family event. The OP has a family - which her SIL has just basically said doesn't quite meet her bigoted criteria for being considered one.

The one causing a rift, issues, nastiness in the family is SIL.

It would be more logical (as well as simply better manners) for it to be framed as 'This is a family event in a jointly owned house. It is not for you, SIL, to comment on others' personal arrangements, both in the name of politeness and also because this is not your roof!'

'Fragile views' of your own personal circumstances? No, I don't think so. Just not willing to be insulted (yes, that word again) by someone and told that my family setting isn't up to scratch. Anyone suggesting that is going to have a pretty robust response from me.

But seeing as you implied that anyone having an outraged reaction to this must be unmarried - fyi, no, I'm married and have been for a decade.

You sound as bigoted and disrespectful to others as OP's SIL.

Pendeen · 26/09/2011 12:30

marfisa your first comment is exactly right and I fully agree with you on that point.

To answer your question, I would not want the OP to simply react without carefully considering the wider implications. That is what many contributors are sugesting and that is, in such a difficult situation as the OP describes, quite wrong.

I have no knowledge of what Muslims consider important so can't comment on that example but regarding the OP's question, I repeat (again) that her course of action shold take into account the two facts that it a family gathering in a shared house.

clam · 26/09/2011 12:33

Ooh goodie! Hully's here.
Should the OP "kill her?" Grin

kat2504 · 26/09/2011 12:36

The SIL should also take the fact that it is a family gathering into consideration. She appears to be in a minority of one and should take the feelings of the rest of the family, especially the OP, her husband, and their two children, before she treats them as inferior.
I am sure nobody has any problems with her making decisions about her own sexual life and her own house rules based on her own beliefs.
The OP should of course react with the utmost politeness to avoid a big to-do at Christmas which nobody needs. But that does not mean giving in to something she is not happy with.

clam · 26/09/2011 12:36

pendeen, I'm taking from the original post that the rest of her family don't object. This is a SIL (who has married in to the OP's family) disapproving of "unmarried shananigins." I would never presume to interfere in my ILs' affairs in this way. Or in anyone else's for that matter.

kat2504 · 26/09/2011 12:38

Also the OP's brother ought to be perhaps pointing out to his wife that his sister has been going to stay in this house, with her husband and children, before she was on the scene.

Blu · 26/09/2011 12:41

ButtonMoon - I have ILs with religious based behaviour that I strongly disapprove of - it involves women's role in the domestic set-up, and contradicts directly with my most strongly held beliefs about civil rights and equality, that are the cornerstone of my values.

But I don't see it as my role to police thier behaviour and thier choices, even in my own house, when they are my guests. What right do I have to give them, my guests, an ultimatum about their choices and behaviour? It isn't as if it affects me personally - if they wanted to smoke or light a massive bonfire or make me observe the same behaviour that they did, well i could say 'no, not in my house, because that affeets ohers here'.

But how does people sharing a bed affect anyone else in the house? How is it your role to insist on the behaviour of your guests insofar as it does not affect you? Will you be polluted in some invisible way? Does your god hold you responsible for the behaviour of other adults under your roof, (and does that extend to the garden? The drive? the pavement outside?).

To me it sounds more like judgement than living your own beliefs.

clam · 26/09/2011 12:45

Is the SIL worried that her own children might be 'sullied' in some way and need to be protected from sin?

And, not that it's relevant, who was on the scene first? Your SIL or your DP?

shineynewthings · 26/09/2011 12:48

As a devout christian I say YANBU.

If it bothered me I'd just not stay over. I would never expect you to change your sleeping arrangements to suit me in your own dwelling. Your house. Your rules. If I don't like it I have a choice. So does your SIL.

As christians we don't necessarily want to go with the morals of general society (which are always changing) but we still have to live in the world and that means accepting that others will live according to a different code. And we can't change everybody by insisting they do things our way. If we live our lives decently and show love tolerance and understanding whilst sticking to our morals we'll win more people over IMO.

Tell her you won't be changing anything. Thank you very much.

cookcleanerchaufferetc · 26/09/2011 12:48

Never in my wildest dreams did I foresee that I would be spending Christmas Eve wondering if a woman who I dont know went to bed with a man or a woman!!

We have 90 days to see what actually happened! MN needs to have a follow up button!

I spent the other day, about 36 hours, waiting to see if a woman I didnt know was pregnant or not on MN ....

What has my live become!!!!!

buttonmoon78 · 26/09/2011 12:52

It's not about policing their behaviour or being polluted by their behaviour. I would prefer my children see that I stand by my beliefs where I can. From my POV it does affect me and it does affect my dcs.

You don't know my family or how they live so you can't know our circumstances or how much I judge others.

But obviously you drew your conclusions from one comment so can't be expected to understand my beliefs and how I live them.

2rebecca · 26/09/2011 12:52

I would not spend xmas in a different bed to my partner just to keep someone of a faith I didn't believe in happy. I would tell her you will be sleeping together, although it sounds as though the extended family trips to this cottage may have to stop and you go at seperate times. I wouldn't stay at her house if forced to have seperate bedrooms either. She can have her beliefs but I don't have to pander to them.

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld · 26/09/2011 12:57

YANBU No is a complete sentence Wink

kat2504 · 26/09/2011 12:58

The SIL's children, if they have any, will be able to see that she stands by her beliefs from how she leads her own life. Not by how she interferes in the lives of other people. All she has to say to her dcs is "this is what we believe is right because.....but some other people such as your Auntie don't believe the same things as us so they have chosen to do things differently. In our house we have a rule about this but we are not at home right now." This is in the highly unlikely event that her children even asked about why their auntie was sleeping with the father of her three children.
I am all for respecting other people's beliefs but I don't expect to be made to follow them myself.
The SIL is just going to have to get over the fact that the OP is not married. It isn't any of her business.

Pendeen · 26/09/2011 12:59

shoutyhamster

Not that it's of any great importance but where did you get this from?

" But seeing as you implied that anyone having an outraged reaction to this must be unmarried

and how on earth can you draw such a conclusion as?

" You sound as bigoted and disrespectful to others as OP's SIL "?.

Evilberry · 26/09/2011 13:00

YANBU

The OP clearly has thought about this as they sleep in separate beds at the SIL's house, but this isn't her house. She asked and should fully accept that the answer could be "no". It's emotional blackmail to be held to ransom about potentially starting a family row.

clam · 26/09/2011 13:06

"I would prefer my children see that I stand by my beliefs where I can. From my POV it does affect me and it does affect my dcs."

I know you are not the OP's SIL, but just how would asking this show her DCs she was standing by her beliefs? Unless she were to say to them, "Your cousins' parents will be sleeping apart this Christmas because I believe it is wrong. What's that? How come they've got 3 children then? Well, that's wrong too. Why? Well, your cousins are illegitimate bastards. What does that mean? Well......."

SharrieTBGinzatome · 26/09/2011 13:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

halcyondays · 26/09/2011 13:12

Yanbu. It's not even her house so she has no right to dictate your sleeping arrangements. She should mind her own business. If she stays in a hotel or B&B, I wonder does she apply the same logic and tell the other guests that they must be married to share a bed? It has absolutely nothing to do with her.

TandB · 26/09/2011 13:12

While I agree that family situations should be approached with a degree of willingness to compromise, this isn't a situation where any sort of compromise is being proposed. The SIL is expecting others to make active changes to their own personal behaviour to accommodate her wants and beliefs. And the people she is expecting to accommodate her are not her immediate family unit - they are not people who have made any sort of choice to share their lives with her. They are associated with her simply because one of their brothers chose to share his life with her.

It is utterly unreasonable for her to come into a family by dint of marriage and expect any member of that family to change their fundamental beliefs and behaviour when, ultimately, it doesn't affect her unless she chooses to let it do so.

We have some family members who have a very different approach to life, money, family and child-rearing to us. We don't particularly approve of some of their choices but we would never challenge them directly as it isn't our place to do so.

A compromise is about finding a way forward that everyone can live with and does not put one person's wishes above another's. We compromise by simply not getting into discussions on certain topics, or not accepting particular types of invitation. There isn't really a compromise available here, unless all parties simply agree not to discuss the sleeping arrangements at all.

flicktheswitch · 26/09/2011 13:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 26/09/2011 13:17

If she is uncomfortable about it she shouldn't go.

What a twat!

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld · 26/09/2011 13:20

The OP won't be starting a family row. The SIL will be responsible for that by making such an unreasonable request.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 26/09/2011 13:23

Pendeen -

reflect equal depths of intolerance

Perhaps as a Christian the SIL should be the one to show tolerance? No?

How difficult is it for you to spend one night in a separate bed?

And how hard is it for the SIL to accept and respect the fact that the OP doesn't have the same beliefs as her?

altinkum · 26/09/2011 13:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.