about SIL and sharing a bed?

[bumblybumblebee]

I know I know but for Xmas we are all going to my grandparents house, though both dead now we all keep it as a holiday home thing and all use it equally. Their are 4 of us, DCs and our Parents

DP and I are not married and I'm pg with 3rd.
SIL of DBro2 is a very devout evangelical christian (my family are methodists - though we all vary in our devoutness).
I am the only one not married with a partner (both DBros are married and DSis is single)
SIL has said that she is uncomfortable sleeping in the same house as us knowing we are sleeping together and would it be possible for us to sleep in separate rooms? It is for this reason that they will not stay over at ours generally. She is very very uncomfortable about it

It's not her house neither is it mine.

So AIBU to tell her to take a hike and noway are we not sleeping in same bed just because doing so would make her uncomfortable?

What Designer and others have said.

Please don't sleep in different rooms; that will send the message to your DC (and other family members) that you consider your relationship with your partner to be less valid than everyone else's relationship. Which is absolutely isn't.

If she is too much of a bigot to stay in the same house as you, so be it, but please don't pander to narrow-minded bigotry and prejudice.

it is unreasonable to stick your beak into someone else's sex life (as she is presumably concerned they may have sex in the night) especially when it is not your own home. Even if it was in her house it is silly, given the fact you already have children.
I would be tempted to say well, If we can't sleep together we may end up having to have a shag on the living room sofa instead or something else to shock her sensibilities.

Of course you should share a bed with your DP.

What you should not do, is fake have noisy sex all night long, making sure the headboard bangs their wall.

Caues that would just be wrong

also a strong Christian. Designer baby said it all.
Of course you guys shouldn't have to sleep in separate rooms! You are a committed family unit and should be respected as such.
Honestly I think the majority of Christians that I know would feel the same way
Earthymama you said it all - its all about Grace :-)

I like Sharrie's idea. In fact why not look surprised and say 'well this won't be an issue since I have recently converted to a religion which requires the entire extended family to share one bed. It may be a bit cosy but you won't mind that as it is my religion, will you SIL?"

Thank you for making me laugh for a whole five minutes reading this thread. Your SIL is mad and I hope you carry out as many of the creative suggestions as possible!

I'm surprised she felt it appropriate to say to you!

I think you should loudly and publicly ask if it's the fornication that bothers her.

If she bothered to look up the origins of marriage she'd see that in early Christian times and for many centuries it was no more than an agreement to be together and didn't even need witnessing.

It says a lot about you that you are worried about this and don't want to offend her. She doesn't seem so worried about offending you and perhaps feels that her beliefs top trump yours. Do you get on with her otherwise? Can you be frank with her about this whole thing? How about your DBro? Does he share her beliefs?

I wonder if spending Christmas with her will be any fun? How does she celebrate the birth of Jesus, I am guessing not by getting pissed up for three days which is the tradition in our house along with the binge eating of chocolate and freestyle groping under the mistletoe with whoever happens to visit.

YANBU.

She is free to have her beliefs, but she is not your mother, and she cannot control what you do as an adult.

Surely part of her faith is tolerance, forgiveness, etc? If she's not comfortable, I think designerbaby's idea of a tent in the garden for her is spot on.

Stand your ground on this. Tell her you respect her choices in her life, but she needs to respect yours in your life.... and its more your house than hers. What do your Dbro's think of all this? Would they support you or are they without spine?

I personally think its worth falling out over. Under no circumstances agree to separate rooms, your children will wonder why, you'll be behaving as though you ARE wrong in every choice you've ever made.

SharrieTBGinzatome I agree, its kind of what I meant, but didn't articulate very clearly! Let her huff and puff, but don't back down, and if it means you fall out, I think its worth a no compromise approach.

I'd actually be tempted to record some hot porn sounds and play them loudly whilst sitting in bed with my OH reading a good book. That would be slightly bad of me though wouldn't it?

Im really interested to know OP's brother's stance on all this ? Do they share these same ideas ?

Another evangelical christian who completely agrees with designerbaby. It's rude of her to ask, and she should be the one making alternative arrangements, not you.

But I agree with Sharrie - in the interests of family harmony, just politely stand your ground and let it be obviously her that is being unreasonable.

OMG, how rude!

It is not her house so tell her to bugger off out of your bed! Also, it is Christmas so I presume you would like to sleep with your OH and have your kids come to your room nice and early and see Mum and Dad .... not Mum and SIL!

Do not do it!

What does your OH and your BIL say about it?

Jeez, how ffing stupid when you are pregnant with the thrid baby!

PS If you do Secret Santa, buy her a dildo for Xmas!!!

YANBU. She needs politely but firmly putting in her place.

You might enquire what she does when she stays in a hotel or B&B. Does she ensure that all couples who will be sleeping under the same roof as her are married? Perhaps she stands in reception checking ring fingers before she deigns to check in?

She is being ridiculous.

oh I wish we had a 'like' button for Designerbaby's post - her religious beliefs should determine how she leads her life and what she allows in her own home, but shouldn't determine how others lead their lifes.

I think "I'm sorry that how we live offends you, you would like to use our tent in the garden or would you be more comfortable arranging to stay in a guest house?" covers it doesn't it?

What does your brother say?

How about the rest of the family (or at least those entitled to a "vote")?

If i were you i would look up a nice list of local B&Bs close to your grandparents house and tell her as she feels so uncomfortable ,you have found a solution for her

To me, this is a more complex situation than many who have contributed seem to realise.

Comments such as "Tell her to take a hike." or "Wow, I didn't realise attitudes like your SIL's still existed!!" or "tell her to grow up" or (and I find this one extremely silly) "Her expectations are arrogant and offensive" do not help and to be honest reflect equal depths of intolerance.

Or, it's just possible that some of the more extreme suggestions are simply trolls wishing to provoke an argument?

You are in a family situation and your SiL's request has to be considered in the light of all the relationships involved in this Christmas gathering.

Let's not forget its a Christian festival.

Your SiL is deeply uncomfortable about the situation and knee-jerk reactions are not going to solve anything.

How difficult is it for you to spend one night in a separate bed? If this is so important that you are quite prepared to risk a serious family split then so be it but, to me at least, I think it's worth giving this some thought - at least more than many of the contributors here.

There is such a big question here about her complete lack of respect for your family, though.

It's really, really insulting and all jokes aside, something I would be absolutely fuming about.

It indicates that she sees your family as not quite making the grade.
That you aren't worthy of basic respect.
That she sees herself and her family as somehow better than your family.
Does this insulting, demeaning viewpoint extend to her neices and nephews? Because there's no way I'd want them to have anything to do with someone who was willing to publicly slight their family, and them - does she think of them as 'bastards', then? Somehow not 'legitimate'?

I'm afraid that although I'd be perfectly polite, I'd also be making it clear that I was utterly insulted by this. And I'd be asking her whether she thinks that attempting to foist her beliefs on others, making judgements about other people, setting herself up as better than other people, makes her a good Christian. Or a good SIL and aunt, for that matter.

Pandeen just because some posters have reached a different conclusion to you does not mean that they have not given the situation appropriate consideration before posting!

Pendeen, I think you are missing the point!

'How difficult is it for you to spend one night in a separate bed?' - Not difficult at all.

'How difficult is it for you to acknowledge that part of your family feel it's ok to slight your family set-up, insinuate that your family isn't 'proper' or acceptable', and ask you to go along with recognising your inferior status by sleeping apart when in their presence?' - Totally unnacceptable.

Really, you'd be happy to be insulted like this?

We are not trolls trying to provoke an argument. We are rightly incensed on the OPs behalf that her SIL is not treating her like a grown woman worthy of respect and thinks she has the right to interfere in her sexual life.
The SIL doesn't like sex before marriage. Fine, I presume she didn't do it herself.
She does not have the right to insist that other people all do what she wants.

The OP is not some promiscuous slag who wants to invite random men back to the house to share her bed. She is simply expecting to sleep with her partner, the father of her three children, as she does every other day of the year.

It might not be difficult to spend the night in a different bed. But why should she? Why should she be treated like some naughty girl who has done something wrong?

The SIL should apply some Christian tolerance of others. Judge not lest ye be judged and all that.