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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to suddenly abandon long held principles because I can?

167 replies

Cathycomehome · 20/09/2011 00:34

My child is already being let down by his outstanding secondary school. He passed the entrance exams to two selective schools this year (with low scores for a pass ; he is not brain of Britain). The local secondary school have ignored his statement and his IEP recomendations AGAIN.

His teacher assessment levels have been ignored.

I had a very constructive meeting with the Head and Head of KS3 today, but still feel disquieted (if that's a word). Never thought I'd consider private schooling - am doing so since my parents will pay. Feels ideologically wrong. Help?

PS my son's special need requires medication, but he does not have learning difficulties.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 20/09/2011 00:37

This is not abandoning principles, it is two principles colliding. One is that you don't believe in private school, the other is that your children's welfare is important. Sometimes there is no right answer. You just have to choose the lesser of two evils.

Tryharder · 20/09/2011 00:38

TBH, if my parents offered to pay for my DCs to attend private school, I would accept like a shot.

Original poster
Cathycomehome · 20/09/2011 00:40

My feeling is - I would rather he was in the bottom set at one of the two independent schools he passed the test for than the bottom set of our local high school. They have used one (inappropriate, ignoring statement) test and set them on that with no consultation for children with additional needs.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cathycomehome · 20/09/2011 00:49

I should also add - his birthday is end of August and we would be looking for him to stay where he is but have extra tuition and begin Y 7 in September next year as a first year if we go down that route. Agreed by both schools provided he passes the entrance exam next time.

OP posts:
sunnydelight · 20/09/2011 05:58

I gave up on my socialist principles long ago when it became clear that my dyslexic children were going to get a shit education if I stuck to them! Do what is right for your son's education - they only get one chance - and be grateful you have the choice. Is it fair that not everyone has that choice, no of course it isn't and we all know that, so lets educate our children privately if that's what it takes and teach them that with privilege comes responsibility.

Andrewofgg · 20/09/2011 06:35

YANBU. Do it; you owe it to him.

scaevola · 20/09/2011 06:49

I think ones principles on many, many things change enormously when real life throws actual circumstances at you. And on closer scrutiny, long-held principles in certain areas can be shown to be internally inconsistent IYSWIM. And having seen the number of Labour MPs who send their children to private school, you're not alone in this question. (Personally I think all such "all/never" statements on principles are suspect and unrepresentative of real life, but then again I am weirdly attracted to grey areas).

You have to rethink in the light of what is actually going on.

SageMist · 20/09/2011 06:55

I abandoned my long held principles against private education when it became clear to me that DD wouldn't get a great education at our local primary school.

I can be flippant about it now, but it really was a hard decision to make at the time. Even now, every time I explain that DD goes to an independent school I can still feel myself wanting to justify to complete strangers why this was a reasonable thing to do.

The truth is that she has thrived at independant school. Whether she would have done at a state school is debatable. She has the kind of personality that would have challanged the teachers at the 30 pupils/2 years to a class school next door, simply because they wouldn't have had time for her.

However, independent schools are not all the same, some are good, some are not, just like state schools. Do your research carefully.

BelleDameSansMerci · 20/09/2011 07:02

What Sagemist said... I am determining where DD will go to school from next September. As far as I know, she has no special requirements (but she is only just 4) but if I do not feel that the local schools will give her what she needs, she will be going elsewhere - although I'll need to work a bit harder to make it happen.

My DD is a little, erm, eccentric though... Smile

mnistooaddictive · 20/09/2011 07:10

The problem is what principles do you abandon and how do you deal with others who make different decisions. Should I abandon my principle of not stealing to pay for private education if I believe this is in my child's best interests? Where does it end? In a very selfish society where ad long as me and my family are ok, nothing else matters.

Malcontentinthemiddle · 20/09/2011 07:23

It feels ideologically wrong because it is, but hey ho - you first, ladder up, and all that!

diabolo · 20/09/2011 07:45

Good luck OP - and please don't let the people who will criticise you on here influence your decision.

Why should your DS suffer a poor education just to make MN lefty idealists happy? I am happy to see that most on this thread are supportive of you.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 20/09/2011 07:52

Ridiculous post from mnistooaddictive. Stealing is illegal, nothing to do with principles. If you feel that a private education is what would suit your child best and you have the means to do that then go for it. It's not something to be ashamed of, lots of people do it.

Selfish society my arse. People have been looking out for their own since time began. It's how life works. You seriously think other people will look out for yours? Hahahahaha!

mnistooaddictive · 20/09/2011 07:59

I do look after people. I spend huge amounts of time helping others in a voluntary basis. This is aibu - don't ask if you don't actually other opinions. You asked, so I told you and now I get criticised for it, how does that work?

hope you never ask for help on here gml as I will remind you that you dont think we should help others.

usualsuspect · 20/09/2011 08:00

I couldn't do it ,but if it works for you go ahead

Malcontentinthemiddle · 20/09/2011 08:01

We don't only refrain from theft because it's illegal, though, Gwendoline. Or at least I don't.

ithaka · 20/09/2011 08:03

YABU, but I don't suppose you will care what I think as it is all about what is best for you and yours.

What is the value of principles if you only keep them as long as they benefit you. What value system is that to pass on to your children? You used to believe something, but dropped it as soon as it became a bit challenging?

Callisto · 20/09/2011 08:06

I've never been prepared to risk my child's welfare on a principle of mine. Maybe I am seriously selfish, I'm certainly no socialist (and I often find the 'loudest' socialists are amazingly hypocritical anyway), but I have never been able to subscribe to the view that it is somehow my responsibility to send my child to the local school, even if it is shite, to try and improve it from the inside. Crap schools should fail imo, so no, YANBU to want to send your child to the best school you can afford. I think you are being rather squeamish about making the decision though.

HerdOfTinyElephants · 20/09/2011 08:07

But OP has two principles which are colliding. She has to drop/compromise one of them, unless you have some other miracle solution.

Callisto · 20/09/2011 08:07

And I kind of agree with Ithaka too.

Malcontentinthemiddle · 20/09/2011 08:15

the 'already' in the OP suggests we are talking about a year 7? Seems a bit early to write off the whole state system if so.

Fecklessdizzy · 20/09/2011 09:25

I'm afraid it's lose/lose for you OP If you go private you'll feel like a hypocrite and if you don't you'll feel like you've let your DS down ... Only you can say which is going to be worse in the long run.

Are there no other state schools in the area which might suit him better? My eldest has an IEP and has been very well looked after by our local not-fabulous-on-paper-but-fine-in-practice catchment school.

As has been said up thread, it's really the luck of the draw ... I went to a private school I wouldn't wish on anyone, let alone a vunerable kid who needs extra help and I've found our local state schools have bent over backwards to hepl DS1 along, but someone else will have had just the opposite experience!

Go with your gut instinct ...

rycooler · 20/09/2011 09:35

I wouldn't sacrifice my child's future over an ideological 'principle' - give your child the best education you can, he'll thank you for it.

petitepeach · 20/09/2011 09:51

Sorry, you have to put your ds's needs above your own ideals...

Your lovely parents have offered to pay for private schooling, let him try it could be the making of him! Nothing is set in stone if it dosen't suit you can try something different...

Agree with the quote 'The loudest socialists are usually the most hypocritical!' Grin

Put it this way your ds is not going to grow thanking you for applying your socialist leanings to his education is he??!!

My school experience was horrific so I want 100 times better for my dc's which at the moment means private while I can afford it, they are thriving and happy and that is all that matters to me...
Yes, I get some crass remarks from the wooly brigade but they can feck off as it has nothing to do with them has it?!
I wish your ds all the best...

Hardgoing · 20/09/2011 10:01

As someone who was sent to the local council estate school for my mother's socialist principles, I would never go that route myself. Not only because it was horrible for me (I was like a round peg in a square hole), it made no difference, all that happened was I didn't have many friends (as they thought the things I wore and what I played with were odd) and the school trundles on with exactly the same model of deprivation/low expectations/third-generation benefit recipients as ever (sadly). Nothing has changed. It is very depressing.

I would not see this as abandoning principles, more about conflicting principles. I know which I would choose and wouldn't even feel guilty. I think grammar schools were brilliant for social mobility and believe in positive discrimination for top universities to take pupils from bad schools. I think it's tragic we have such bad schools and an anti-intellectual culture in them that I personally would avoid them for my own child.