or is it a bit cheeky to ask people who are only invited to your evening do to contribute towards your honeymoon?

[Smellyanne]

and if IABU how much is acceptable to give?

There's always someone on these threads who takes things a little too far because people are criticising the exact thing they have done, so obviously they take it personally and get all defensive!

Don't people realise that just because no one says anything after recieveing a cash request, doesn't mean that they didn't think it was in bad taste?

I have been to one wedding (a close friend of dh's) where they asked for money. Of course we didn't complain, or say anything to anyone, because that would have been as rude as the cash request. It doesn't mean we didn't think it though. We were also invited to an evening do with a request for money, which was made much worse by the twee poem. We didn't actually tell the couple that their cash request was the reason we decided we couldn't be bothered with all the effort of going to their wedding, but it was one of the main reasons.

People are kidding themselves if they think that every single one of their guests didn't bat an eyelid at their rudeness. Because some of them did, they were just too polite to say.

I have a friend who had two versions on the wedding invitation.

One had details of a traditional wedding list (explained at "for the old relatives")
the other had details of how we could contribute to honeymoon

Sansa, FWIW, I do apologise for my personal attack on you. I was in a particularly fowl mood earlier & did take your comments rather personally as DP & I do have a Son together & will be getting married, not sure where yet but hopefully not in our local registry office because it's a dump! I think your comment of couples having white weddings when they have children being 'tacky' & also your comments on evening do's being the same were fairly harsh & quite generalised, this riled me & I did go on the offense a little!

I think that telling people what kind of gift they should give you is rude. It being a gift and all that.

Especially if it's money, money having an exact value is the problem with me. If all I have to spare for the gift is 20, then finding a nice gift for 20 seems more thoughtful than giving a 20 pound note

Saying that, I don't have a problem with gift list, despite the fact that the couple would know the price of each gift (if they cared to remember) It just seems a lot less awkward and uncomfortable when monies an issue for the gift giver.

Dp and I are saving to get married, we can't afford a honeymoon so we won't have one. We are not setting up home and therefore do not need gifts so therefore won't ask for any. I am quite relieved as first time round I found the whole wedding list rather crass.

When I got married I put that if they wished to give a gift then we had a honeymoon fund but that I was more interested in their company. I am not sure why people find it rude as you spend money on a gift anyway. TBH I had to be pushed into having the honeymoon fund as I really did not want gifts and I certainly wasn't going to do a gift list. I think they can be quite rude with gifts costing a fortune. One wedding list had a washing machine on it along with other gifts all over £100.....now that is bloody rude!!!

If you're not happy with giving money then get them a gift. I certainly would not refuse to go to a wedding because they had chosen to ask for something they want rather than get a load of unwanted shite.

We had a fantastic honeymoon thanks to all the people that did give money and I will always treasure the memories and be extremely grateful to my guests. I'm not sure I could make the memories of unwanted toaster/plate/tablecloths last as long as the memories from my honeymoon.
I am really puzzled by people who get so annoyed by other people doing things differently from them.

Happylander, you have said more eloquently what I think about it. Let no one tell us we are classless, tacky, rude, grasping, nasty, acquisitive etc etc etc, all the names I was called last time I entered a conversation like this. I will never understand people's eagerness to get offended when it comes to weddings. If you don't want to go, don't go.

It's not that people get annoyed because others are doing things differently. They get annoyed because cash requests can easily make someone feel like they are only being invited to boost the wedding profit. Or it can make them feel like their contribution is being scrutinised.

Especially if it's an evening invite, or you know that having you as a guest hasn't cost much. It's fine for it not to cost much to have a wedding, just don't have a budget wedding (or a big wedding) and then behave like you are charging entry.

A gift is not freely given if its been asked for, and you will never know if a guest really wanted to get you something else, but was made to feel uncomfortable about their cheap and personal gift so felt pressured into giving money instead.

Asking for money removes people's freedom to shop for bargains and get get the best value they can.

Presents should be about the recipient and what they want, but it is also a pleasure to give. I wouldn't want to take that pleasure away from my guests, especially if they have travelled and are paying for accommodation, new outfit, drinks, whatever.

Aries - what about people who do want to go, but want to be able to give a gift of their own choosing?

You say thay are still free to do that, which they are of course, but surely you can admit that they might be made to feel nervous about giving you whatever they had in mind because you have asked for cash?

yanbu it is cheeky! As for being an evening guest I usually put £20 in a card, I would still go though. We are getting married very soon and have had a really mixed response from people who think we are made as we have asked for nothing, no dodgy cash poems (the absolute WORST) or gift lists etc.

I will welcome presents/vouchers/money/just cards anything really as it will all remind me of our wedding even if we get 30 photo frames :o

If people have asked us and said they want to get us something we want we have asked for money towards re-doing our very 70's pink bathroom so at least they know its going towards something useful.

I would willingly buy vouchers for
home improvements. I have bought B&Q vouchers several times as gifts. Never grudged it. Cannot abide the "gift us the honeymoon" stuff. If you can't afford it, scale back your expectations.
Tbh, sending out anything with the invite re gifts/gift list/request for cash is a tad déclassé.
Everyone you invite (mostly everyone) will buy a gift/ give cash etc
Just put the word out casually when your guests ask that vouchers/cash would be put to good use.
Being a wedding guest is expensive already.
Who said a wedding was to be joyous for all anyway?

It's cheeky, sorry. Best not to mention presents at all. If people ask, then you can send a wedding list which may include gift vouchers in tiny print right at the bottom.

I'm still of the opinion that it's more inconvenient to leave people to guess what you might want as a gift and make them go to the trouble of having to contact you and ask you. Which most people will end up doing as they will feel rude and awkward if they don't get you anything.

Personally, I wouldn't mention gifts at all on an 'evening only' invite. But I wouldn't feel put out if someone else did (unless I felt justifiably offended at being excluded from the main do, which I never have).

I went to a wedding this Saturday, they asked for cash towards their holiday slush fund. I gave them a gift that I wanted to buy them and gave a small amount of cash. I'm happy and they are happy they have something they wanted i.e. the cash who knows whether they liked the other small gifts

Please tell me what's the difference between vouchers for DIY purposes and giving cash towards a honeymoon? Surely you could say that people who ask for vouchers should scale back their DIY expectations? Oh but I wouldn't as I am more interested in getting people what they want if I can afford it.
I really could not have given a toss if I had received nothing on my wedding day as I wanted my guests there more than a gift. However, I was hassled by an awful lot of people to do either a list or honeymoon fund after my initial save the date cards went out.

But if you're going for what's "convenient" rather than what's polite, why bother inviting anyone to the wedding at all?

"But if you're going for what's "convenient" rather than what's polite, why bother inviting anyone to the wedding at all?"

Because, for me, stuff like what presents people buy is peripheral frippery. The important thing is that they are there.

It's polite to make things easy and comfortable for people - in the same way as you give directions to the venue, I prefer someone to say 'if you want to give a present, cash/vouchers towards X would be appreciated'. So they don't waste time and effort worrying about how to get there or what gift to buy.

I don't think that is polite though. It's presumptuous to suggest to people that you think they might be going to bring you a gift. The idea should be theirs.

I would always take a gift to a wedding, its tradition to give a gift to help the couple set up home together. I dont mind a discreet wedding list, available on request, but putting any request in the invite is grasping and you may as well just charge an entry fee. Its even worse if just an evening guest as you dont even get the actual wedding part which is the most important part of the wedding.

Most weddings nowadays dont seem to be about the vows and commitment but rather a huge party and excessive spending which is then recouped from the guests.

DP and I recieved an evening invite with this poem in...( I had spoken to the bride about 3 times in about four yrs)

so what do you get
for the bride and groom
whose house needs things in every roon

when shopping for a present
please dont be rash
as there is always the option
to just give cash!

we hope you dont find
our request to be funny
but we really would appreciate
a gift of money!

I think this is the worst Ive seen, we didnt bother going!

if they want a fancy fish steamer, they should buy it themselves"

I think that this is different-they will never be asked for the fish steamer-it will be one of a huge choice. Cash doesn't give a choice.
It is OK to mention it if asked but not with those dreadful poems which are supposedto be acceptable because they are supposed to be funny.

Arghh - that is awful!

Where is all this 'weddings are expensive' coming from? They are as expensive as the bride and groom choose for them to be. Evening do definitely B lister 'I wanted you to celebrate give me money my big daybut too cheap to stump up for dinner and drinks,' under the pretext the event is something that one should be grateful to be given the opportunity to celebrate.

Weddings are expensive. To keep mine as cheap as I can ("as expensive as the bride and groom choose for them to be!") I have taken up a package deal, which limits my number of day guests. My evening guests are NOT "B Listers" I can't afford to have them there, but I still want to celebrate with them. I am not interested in what they "bring to the table" moneywise. I am providing a disco, and evening buffet for them too, I wouldn't call that being "cheap".

As an aside, if I invited you to my wedding and you turned your nose up and said "oh, it's just the evening do, how cheap" I'd rather you didn't come anyway!