Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is it a bit cheeky to ask people who are only invited to your evening do to contribute towards your honeymoon?

265 replies

Smellyanne · 19/09/2011 12:10

and if IABU how much is acceptable to give?

OP posts:
Ariesgirl · 20/09/2011 15:14

I think this discussion is very typical of a weird attitude in Britain, where really and truly everyone does expect to receive something from their guests if they come to your wedding. Come on, be honest. And has anyone actually attended a wedding and given nothing at all, even those ones which say "It's your presence we want not your presents" (lies)?

But as for actually admitting it! Quel horreur!

When we were planning on going to a wedding some years ago with my (very traditional) MIL, and we were wondering aloud what to get and how much to spend, she said very openly that traditionally it's the done thing to spend as much on a gift as you think they are spending on your attendance at the wedding. No blushing or muttering bashfully about it.

As for the poster who is nearly in tears, please don't be. In previous discussions about this, I was the same, and thinking "Well am I and my husband and our families all those awful names we are being called?" (rude, grasping, cheap, vulgar etc) And the answer is no, we're not. I'm sure that worded it in a way which was polite, as I did. Please don't worry about it.

Ariesgirl · 20/09/2011 15:15

Now there will be indignant posts from people who say "Well I don't expect presents from my wedding guests!!!"

porcamiseria · 20/09/2011 15:25

My default is usually champagne and a plain crystal Dartington bowl when asked for money for a wedding.

IS THIS FOR REAL
people ask (very politely I am sure) for money and you just ingore them and get what you want? weird

SansaLannister · 20/09/2011 15:45

Look, OP, it's really simple, don't bother going to this evening do.

Yes, it's cheeky.

And yes, if people ask for money, there is never a polite way to do this and certainly not in a poem in the invite, I ignore them by not going to their wedding.

I suppose others give champers and a bow, though.

bottleofbeer · 20/09/2011 15:46

Ok, sooooo we asked for Honeymoon funds. We did not include any poem in the invite, when people asked what we wanted (through my parents) they were told that we had nothing specific in mind re: gifts but funds towards the honeymoon would be appreciated. People DID ask, ALL of them asked, nobody wants to turn up to a wedding empty handed. Alternatively I could have made a gift list but I honestly fail to see how it's any less 'tacky', it's an actual list of things you want complete with price tags. Or we could have just said "whatever you choose" - which seems to be the only accepted way of it here, and then what? had a house filled with things we had no use for? People would have completely wasted their money. We already ended up with 17 left over bottles of champagne.

PS we had a registry office do, pps I didn't wear white. We had a buffet meal so there was no distinction between daytime guests and nighttime guests (with the exception of a few neighbours we wanted to celebrate with us but it would have felt phoney to invite them to the entire thing) People just seem to love to be offended by weddings. The point is NO gift was expected of any guest, and we paid a LOT on corkage to be able to provide them with a good amount of free drinks too.

bottleofbeer · 20/09/2011 15:48

Oh and as a PPPS! we had no idea who'd given what, the best man opened all the cards and put all the money together in an envelope. I have no idea if XYZ gave us £5 or £50.

Ariesgirl · 20/09/2011 15:53

But say she really wants to go to the evening do? Say she wants to see friends and family and have a good time with them, reminiscing and chatting and dancing and doing all the things which normal people normally do at weddings? Why is writing a cheque to pop in a card for a honeymoon fund so weird, if that's what you know the bride and groom would prefer? Seems silly to sit at home bristling with righteous indignation if you actually would quite like to go. And if you don't actually want to go anyway, well, don't.

biddysmama · 20/09/2011 16:02

when my cousin got married we had to pay to get there, pay for expensive drinks,pay for our own meals and they only wanted vouchers from a holiday company for gifts .. when she came to our wedding they bought us a cheap photo frame

bottleofbeer · 20/09/2011 16:03

Oh and as an aside, one auntie who I knew would be sniffy about it was asked for holiday vouchers. In the event parents took our kids to Greece for a week and the only chance we had to get away for said honeymoon was that same week, one week after our wedding. Little did I know that a first adult passport took at least six weeks to come through so we were limited to a holiday in the UK. Those vouchers? ended up never getting used so it really was money down the drain.

Ironically this same auntie's daughter, obviously my cousin asked our grandad to pay for her dress. To the tune of 2k. So as sniffy as she'd have been about our asking for the cash instead? imo to ASK for him to pay that kind of money as his 'gift' to her was the least classy thing I've ever heard of wedding-wise.

SansaLannister · 20/09/2011 16:13

I can't think of a single evening do that people are jumping over themselves to attend, especially for cheeky people who tell you they want money.

bottleofbeer · 20/09/2011 16:32

How would you know that 'people' aren't jumping over themselve to attend unless you're all having a good old bitch about the couple that have invited them?

fanjobanjowanjo · 20/09/2011 16:38

Why wouldn't people want to attend the evening do Sansa?

SanctiMoanyArse · 20/09/2011 16:44

Ah Scary (tis Pewachy btw- you knew that I know) everything on ours was argos; apart from a faded towel that I kept becuase Nan (now gone) bought me all gone I think- actually I lie tehre's a CD rack but it's kept behind the TV so kids cannot touch, and maybe two odd bowls. Oh and I lie- a casserole and a suitcase. So some survived.

I don't mind of course, quite happy with that! Otherwise would not have asked for Argos would I?

FagButt · 20/09/2011 16:50

This was in my invite to a wedding

We haven't got a wedding list,
the reasons we'll explain
its to save you all the hassle
as shopping is a pain

we thought we'd ask youall,
for something else instead
A small contribution toward
a holiday in the med

so if you'd like to contribute
towareds our honeymoon
we offer you our heartfelt 'thanks!'
with love

the bride and groom

awful. (excuse the lack of punctuation) not how it was on the invite.

FagButt · 20/09/2011 17:09

There was food though, and i gave 20 quid

jellybeans · 20/09/2011 17:35

I quite often am relieved just to go to the evening bit (unless its close friends and family) much easier to get a babysitter for the night rather than entire day!

raspberrytipple · 20/09/2011 17:58

Why would people not go to an evening party if not invited to the ceremony? I know lots of people whose ceremony I would not particularly want to go to but would be pleased to have a drink at some point in the day. Perhaps I'm showing my innocence now as the only wedding DH and I have ever been to is our own. We had immediate family (10 each on each side) then 10 of our very best/longest/closest friends plus a few small children to the ceremony and a buffet straight after then invited our wider circle of friends to a party at 7.30 p.m. to celebrate, have a drink and a boogie but in total we had 70 people all day. I don't understand what is wrong with having an evening party?

LoveInAColdClimate · 20/09/2011 18:23

I think the problem for many people with just being invited to the evening do is being asked to trek somewhere which always seems to be miles away and (depending on one's relationship with the couple) feeling a bit B list. I think evening dos can actually work fine if people aren't being asked to travel far and there is a clear deliniation of who is day and who is evening - i.e. when the day time is family and very close friends, or when colleagues are just invited to the evening do (but everyone else goes all day). I think issues arise when people perceive themselves as being put in the B list when other friends (who they had considered to be no closer to the couple) go all day. I think that can cause really hurt feelings. I understand why people sometimes need to make hard decisions when it comes to who to invite all day for space/money reasons, but I think it can risk causing upset. Some friends were quite upset they weren't asked to the daytime part of a wedding when they had felt the couple were some of their best friends, but (say) colleagues were.

Oh, and there should be no, no, no mention of a gift list in the evening only invitation even if there was in the daytime one!

LoveInAColdClimate · 20/09/2011 18:27

PS I have never actually been to a wedding which had a separate evening do (and I have been to a lot of weddings) so this isn't some personal distress about being left out, this is just from hearing others' experiences.

carocaro · 20/09/2011 18:32

These sort of things are usually accompanied with

'please wear only pastel pink and cream soled shoes'

'no children'

'make you own way from the church to the reception'

'pay for your own drinks'

'can you read and write a poem all about our love and read it against a backdrop of white Doves being released'

All Bridezilla nonsense after you've coughed up for a hotel, babysitter, new outfit, all to sit next to some boring fuck from her office or some dribbly elderley relative whilst eating dry chicken and sweating to Agadoo all so they can piss off to Mauritius at your expense. Oh what fun count me in!

HappyMummyOfOne · 20/09/2011 18:51

Raspberry, i'm not keen on evening only invites as a wedding is about the exchanging of vows and being invited to the evening only means you dont see the most important part of the wedding. If a friend/relative is not good enough to be at the actual wedding but good enough to come in the evening and being expected to bring a gift seems cheeky. Some people prefer evening only invites though so its personal taste.

I agree with the poster who buys a champagne when asked for money, if I really wanted to attend I'd do the same otherwise I usually decline invites that include a request for cash as may as well pay for the meal itself.

SansaLannister · 20/09/2011 18:59

Did you go to the wedding/evening do, FagButt? If so, what did you get them? A poem like that merits one of those goats from Oxfam, or, better yet, the latrines or fertiliser.:o

raspberrytipple · 20/09/2011 19:06

Ah right, I can see what you mean. there was a very clear distinction between who came to which bit and why and with the exception of an aunt and uncle who came to the ceremony from away, everyone else was within 5 miles. We also never expected gifts from anyone attending let alone people who came in the evening. I don't think we offended anyone, people understood why we did it the way we did and we didn't cross boundaries as in, invite one equal friend and not the other iyswim. We were very picky about who came to the whole day full stop and that included leaving out anyone we hadn't seen in over a year and were not likely to see again. I hope noone was hurt, it's only one day at the end of it all and I genuinely think weddings are a pain in the rear!! Lol. I wont be doing it again that's for sure!!

I still don't understand how people can get so offended, it's almost like weddings are free reign to be pissed off with the bride & groom? Really don't get it. At the end of the day, if you don't like it, don't go? We had one person not come on that grounds

suburbophobe · 20/09/2011 19:19

Think it's absolutely NOT ON to ask or expect others to pay towards one's honeymoon...

Your choice to get married, your choice to go away afterwards on honeymoon.

Why should other people pay for it?!

FFS, the cheek of it!!

suburbophobe · 20/09/2011 19:20

Revoltingly materialistic people on this website....