Thank you for all your replies.
I find the whole "you have a healthy baby, so shut up" maddening, esp as i never said whether he is or not. But he is and this is AIBU so I guess its par for the course.
Two hours after my epidural was sited it became less and less effective. the midwife used a booster but it did nothing. we asked if i could have the second one but she said there was no point as the first one didn't work. she then gave me gas and air. By the time of delivery the pain was very intense. the ventouse i found excruciating. It was not the time for me to ask if he needed to be there.
When we met with him at the hospital, he told me he had delivered hundreds of baby's. I said i wouldn't have minded quite so much if he had had the decency to say hello or ask me how i was doing. he seemed surprised that he hadn't (he spent a lot of time saying what a great patient friendly guy he was, how he'd never had any complaints etc) but accepted that he hadn't. I said i would have really appreciated him being there had he done anything about the epidural as it wasn't working great. he said he hadn't needed to ask me as "he could just tell by looking at someone" if they were coping well enough. well, ok i can see that a bit i guess. I told him i am a very quiet person though and was doing everything i could not to scream so perhaps actually asking me would have been good. he took this on board. I then said there was no way the pain relief was enough for the extraction. he said that actually, what I was feeling was just the pressure of the baby moving down the birth canal but not pain. a mistake a lot of women make apparently. 
when he had sited the epidural he put a sheet completely covering my head, pushed my body into position without warning and stuck a needle in without warning as well. I was feeling hot and sick under the sheet as i had no air and was surprised by the sudden movement and prick so moved. this cued him really giving me a bollocking. when we brought this up in the meeting he was about to pin it on me being high in gas and air and so needing, as they put it, "help into position and firm encouragement to stay still". when we pointed out it did not have gas and air whilst he was doing this, he said "oh. well, you know chicken chops. sometimes we just have to be forceful."
there is still no satisfactory explanation as to his presence other than the OB asked him to be present. Apparently. When i had a debrief earlier to go over what happened, the midwife let it slip that if had been any other OB he probably wouldn't have been present... that these two are mates.
when we met he was quite interested to know when i realised i was haemorrhaging. i told him once the placenta delivered i began to fade in and out and it was then that the OB told me I was having a PPH. he told me how sorry he was that i had haemorrhaged, and as soon as the placenta had delivered he had been told by OB that all was ok and he should go, but really wished he had stuck around to put in more fluid etc and help me. Now i honestly can't remember him leaving... but hubby can. he said the one "non-ass" thing he did was put his hand on his shoulder and tell him how beautiful our baby that he was holding is. the only time my husband held the baby was was when the haemorrhage began as i was too unstable to obviously keep hold of him.
so... i think this guy is used to strutting around our very small maternity unit. His mate was delivering a baby and yes, he decided to pop in and watch. was his manner pervy during the birth? no. I remember him kindly telling me that the worst bit was over. his presence was just unnecessary. he did nothing but watch the delivery without as I've said, to say hello or ask how i was. when i was bleeding out he stood idly by and watch when- by his own admission- he shoudl have been helping to stabilise me. And as for sometimes "needing to be forceful"? i never struggled against him... thus there was no need for him to be forceful. it actually scares me the amount of power these people have.
I think the story has changed several times because he knows he cocked up. he's just not used to being questioned. he also is not used to apologising. he told me how sorry he was that i was upset. i told him i didn't want him to be sorry that i was upset. i wanted him to be sorry the way he treated me was wrong. his reply:
"if, that is in fact how i treated you, then yes i am sorry"
the medical secretary taking notes to "support me" said perhaps because no one had complained previously to the anaesthetist observing their birth they hadn't realised that someone might be uncomfortable with it. yes, yes ,yes he nodded. the promised it would be brought up at their next team meeting.
then he ran from the room like a bat out of hell.