Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let dd go to a sleepover in a rough area?

245 replies

mrsshears · 17/09/2011 12:32

My dd is nearly 14,she has made friends with a girl who lives in a very deprived rough area of town(think stabbings,shootings etc).
I have no problem with this,the friend is a nice girl(admittedly i have only seen her a handful of times but on each occasion she was lovely)
I have never met her parents.
I have said to dd since she met this friend that there would be no option of dd going to this friends house and that her friend would always have to come to dd.Dd has been invited to a sleepover at this girls house tonight to which i have said in no uncertain terms,no way.
I have however said that this friend can come to us for a sleepover,dd thinks im being really unreasonable not letting her go,i have explained my reasons and said that it will always be a no and that wont change.
What do you think?

OP posts:
Mitmoo · 17/09/2011 19:47

MH people don't chose to live in rough areas, they do because they have to, don't ask stupid questions.

I've just supported your stance but that was a stupid question.

MHQuestion · 17/09/2011 19:49

Usual - sorry, I wasn't trying to call your area rough, its just you said you lived in a 'rougher' area.

I asked the question because I presumed that you, like I suspect most people, live whereever the best is they can afford. And therefore if 'one' lives where 'one' can afford then if you can afford to live somewhere 'non rough' then you'd also choose not to send your children to somewhere 'rough'. Otherwise wouldn't everyone just buy in the cheapest area possible if they didn't care about rough and non rough Confused

ILoveTIFFANY - not much that I'm aware of. Occassional drunken brawls type stuff, some drugs I think, that sort of thing. No murders, very few sex attacks.

MHQuestion · 17/09/2011 19:50

Mitmoo - it wasn't a stupid question, I was getting at the point I made above.

And please don't tell me what to type or not type, unless you have been hired by MNHQ suddenly?

ilovesooty · 17/09/2011 19:51

I expect if some people did some research the amount of crime in "nice" areas would surprise them.

I still think this other girl and her mum know exactly how they're being judged.

usualsuspect · 17/09/2011 19:51

Actually I really like the area where I live and luckily all my DDs friends parents were perfectly happy for their kids to slum it

MHQuestion · 17/09/2011 19:53

You've got a chip on your shoulder Usual. If you like it then why do you care what anyone else thinks?

Mitmoo · 17/09/2011 19:54

MH I was with you until then I still agree not to send your child to a rough area when you don't know the parents.

But it seemed a dumb question to ask people why they lived in rough areas, you put it to a public message board, so I feel fully justified in calling you up on it.

usualsuspect · 17/09/2011 19:55

I would care if my childrens friends parents thought my house wasn't good enough for their precious little lambs

Thank fuck they have no friends like that

slavetofilofax · 17/09/2011 19:55

Usual, if you like your area, then maybe it's not as bad as the area OP describes.

I don't see why we cant just take the OP's word for it that this place is particularly bad.

It might not be as bad as she thinks, but what's wrong with giving the benefit of the doubt? If it is that bad, and it has a very high crime rate, it is not unreasonable to not want your child to go there.

rainbowinthesky · 17/09/2011 19:56

YAbu. I have let ds have sleepover in "rough" areas after having met child and parents. I make sure I collect and drop. WIth dd, (7) I have refused sleep over offers from a parent on her behalf due to dd telling me things about teh parents which made her feel uncomfortable when she has been there before. I let her go to play but not stay over tehre.

Blu · 17/09/2011 19:58

Yup, I live in an area which many people regard as notorious. And for the vast majority of time life is friendly, peaceful, very community orientated. There are stabbings, someone was stabbed outside our house about 2 years ago - but as someone further down the thread says, it was a sort of 'in-crime' - if you are not in a gang, dealing drugs or involved in crime oin the first place you are much less likely to be a victim. (which is not to say all victims are criminals).

There are smaller areas which seem more scary than my general area - the centre of certain estates. But even so, even though certain types of crime are higher there, it is still rare. Fear and prejudice are all pervasive, actual events rare.

usualsuspect · 17/09/2011 20:00

Exactly Blu, My estate has its fair share of crime ,but you can actually walk to the co op without being stabbed

Jamillalliamilli · 17/09/2011 20:01

We live in a difficult place and a couple of my children?s out of area friends have got a bit over interested in investigating our local night life (lots of street dealing) and have had to not be invited over again, as they?ve struggled with my home, my rules.
How much you do or don?t trust your child to behave, determines if you?re being unreasonable or not.

willowcrow · 17/09/2011 20:03

To state the bleedin obvious there is crime in every town and city - there are bad people everywhere. Rather than refuse to allow a teen to go to the sleepover for fear of peer pressure to go out in the evening, isn't is more important to be educating teens how to handle difficult situations/people? In 5 years time ( or less ) when she is out in a pub or nightclub and some dodgy bloke 'hits' on her or some equally dodgy character offers her some charlie - will she know how to keep herself safe and act appropriately for the situation?

I used to work in a particularly 'interesting' nightclub on the south coast (think plastic glasses only for when the inevitable fight broke out) A snobbish retort could get you some right verbal abuse and cause a situation to needlessly escalate. I hate the phrase (and my teens laugh at me when I use it) but isnt it more about teaching them boys and girls to be 'streetwise'

MHQuestion · 17/09/2011 20:03

It seemed a dumb question Mitmoo perhaps to people who are a bit thick and couldn't see what I was getting at.

TBH though the main reason I wouldn't allow the sleepover the op describes is because she hasn't met the parents.

Jamillalliamilli · 17/09/2011 20:07

MH perhaps I'm thick too, but the question seems odd to me as well.

Mitmoo · 17/09/2011 20:12

Just Perhaps MH will reflect on the odd question and decide others aren't thick to question it. Perhaps not.

Then, to use their own insult, who really is thick?

MHQuestion · 17/09/2011 20:13

I'll rephrase. If Area A is seen as rough then if you (general you) have the means you would buy in Area B which is not rough, in preference, for you and your children. I believe that would hold true for 99% of society, that they would buy the most 'non rough' area they could.

Therefore, it is hypocritical for people to say the op is being a snob because if they had the means, they too would buy in Area B rather than Area A, and by that would also be trying to keep themselves and their children out of Area A (which is what the op is trying to do by not letting her child go to the sleepover).

I hope that makes sense, I'm boring myself now Grin

MHQuestion · 17/09/2011 20:14

Yep, you're right Mitmoo, I'm really thick Grin

ilovesooty · 17/09/2011 20:16

You could still buy in area B and not be snobby about letting your child ever set foot in area A.

Mitmoo · 17/09/2011 20:16

I had to choose smaller house, nicer area, bigger house not so nice an area.

For many reasons I chose the smaller house because the results in the local schools were better so wanted child in the better schools. I don't regret it but had to move child out of his first choice school because they were useless despite the sats results. I also chose it because it was where I grew up and knew everyone.

I wouldn't judge others though for making different decisions.

MHQuestion · 17/09/2011 20:17

But why is it snobby? Surely it was snobby to buy in area B in the first place then? Or is it ok for a visit but not to live?

ilovesooty · 17/09/2011 20:20

You might choose to buy in area B to have a house with a large garden, for instance. You might choose it for schools with good GCSE results. You still don't need to be snobby about letting your child go to a sleepover or visit to a seemingly nice child who lives in area A, without even knowing how that child's family lives within area A.

Blu · 17/09/2011 20:23

I live where I do because it's what I can afford within the criteria for what I need. There are 'nicer' areas, there are 'rougher' areas. I chose 'as nice' as I can afford. It is, however, regarded as many, as much too rough to consider, and many MNers have experssed horror at the idea of living here and would rather undertake 3 hours of commuting a day with commensurate costs and lack of time with DCs than live here. If I could afford somewhere 'nicer' in the same travel zone I might have bought it.

To give you a clue, I live within 15 mins walk of central Brixton.

However: 1. I have no qualms about general 'areas' even though they do have higher crime because i know that the majority of residents are ordinary decent people, with a higher level of shit going on around them than some of us have, but it's still actually rare shit, and yes, i actually love living where i do, despite many MN-er horror, because we have a sterrt party, everyone knows each other and helps each other, and we are NORMAL. Despite stabbing outside 2 years ago, stabbing in local park a while ago. I eally wish the crimes didn't happen. But I won't deliniate DS's friends by what area they live in!

Feminine · 17/09/2011 20:24

Really, all this boils down to is what could happen?

The OP has said its a rough area , we don't really know to what extent or where it is.

Maybe some of us would have found it lessrough than where we presently live? we will never know.

I have to accept that the poor girl lives in the Wild West, perhaps DETROIT? Grin