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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let dd go to a sleepover in a rough area?

245 replies

mrsshears · 17/09/2011 12:32

My dd is nearly 14,she has made friends with a girl who lives in a very deprived rough area of town(think stabbings,shootings etc).
I have no problem with this,the friend is a nice girl(admittedly i have only seen her a handful of times but on each occasion she was lovely)
I have never met her parents.
I have said to dd since she met this friend that there would be no option of dd going to this friends house and that her friend would always have to come to dd.Dd has been invited to a sleepover at this girls house tonight to which i have said in no uncertain terms,no way.
I have however said that this friend can come to us for a sleepover,dd thinks im being really unreasonable not letting her go,i have explained my reasons and said that it will always be a no and that wont change.
What do you think?

OP posts:

StonedRosie · 17/09/2011 22:39

Been trying to read all this. It's long.

YABU.

Still don't get how 'meeting the parents' solves anything though, unless you really know someone, a quick 'meeting' hardly gives you a proper assessment.

MissBetsyTrotwood · 17/09/2011 22:51

I have to disagree. As a teen, my most debauched, wasted sleepovers where I did really stupid things were at the poshest houses in the nicest areas. They were the largest! With the most nooks/crannies/saunas for things to happen in.

We could be really far away from the parents with a huge selection of alcohol (and drugs) and masses of space with no neighbours to complain... My mum just assumed they were 'nice' parents because they had money. So wrong.

It's all about the family, not where they live.

MissBetsyTrotwood · 17/09/2011 22:57

I mean, I disagree with the OP, not you StonedRosie !

Maryz · 17/09/2011 23:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

weneedabiggerboat · 17/09/2011 23:11

OP, I had exactly the same blazing row discussion with my mum, over twenty years ago. Where she thought we lived I'm not sure, but I always resented her for it, even now I think of her as a terrible snob and whats worse is she is mortified about how she judged. As other posters have said, guess where I got rip roaringly drunk, where several of my friends had sexual encounters they wish they hadn't - in the nicer areas of the city.

madmomma · 17/09/2011 23:53

It's not snobbery; it's caution. Was just debating this with dp, as we have a daughter the same age. If I had a bad feeling about any aspect of a sleepover, I would stick to my guns rather than be PC. I wouldn't be interested in proving how 'reasonable' my concerns were. You are her Mum so you do whatever feels right to you.

workedoutforthebest · 17/09/2011 23:59

Sorry, haven't read the whole of the thread...I think your daughter will be fine. I live in what could be described as a rough area (didn't even realise it until a 'friend' informed me and made all sorts of excuses not to visit) Thing is, I am a great mum, my children have been brought up well and I have certain morals etc that I stick to. So, IMO, it has nothing to do with the family, more the surroundings. When I was a child, I grew up in what could be called a 'middle class' area. My parents used to stop me from hanging around with friends that they deemed not worthy. But it was ok for me to hang around with my 'rich' friends . Judge the area, certainly, but don't judge the family :)

StonedRosie · 18/09/2011 00:05

My Mother was pretty 'concerned' about anything I wanted to do at 14 given that it usually involved large numbers of teenagers, away from her sight.

At the end of the day, she had to trust her parenting and my common sense. Not saying she'd have always been proud of what I got up to but she didn't find out about the bad stuff nothing too bad ever happened.

The more 'decent' parents were the best! They bought us the fags and booze!

Bogeyface · 18/09/2011 00:07

My DD has a friend in a very rough area and she invited DD on holiday with her and her mum. I met her mum a week later at parents evening and she is a lovely woman. She takes her DDs safety very seriously and when we were chatting it turned out that the reason she was living there was because her and her ex's business went belly up and he buggered off with what money there was with his OW. She had no choice but to accept what housing she was offered by the LA after the house was reposessed. They were going on holiday because her mum (DDs friends Grandma) was paying and she knew that her DD would be bored on her own and wanted a mate with her. I waved DD off on the holiday with a happy heart, and she had a great time.

I dont agree that one meeting doesnt tell you anything, you can usually get a feeling about people in one meeting and if something doesnt feel right then dont let her stay. But if you feel that they are good people who happen to live in a poor area then let her stay.

Think how your own DD would feel if a friends mother wouldnt let the friend visit because of where you live. Upset, humiliated, angry.....

workedoutforthebest · 18/09/2011 00:18

stoned rosie, you're right The 'middle class' family that I used to babysit for, when I was 12, used to come home, after drink-driving five miles and offer me wine. Never one to politely refuse....

Maryz · 18/09/2011 00:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maypole1 · 18/09/2011 10:35

thefirstMrsDeVere you have no idea I live in London a leafy part and its no way rough I felt safer here than I did when I lived in a village and had go home jigger dobbed on my door

thefirstMrsDeVere · 18/09/2011 10:57

Bit confused by that post Maypole. You seem to be agreeing with me and disagreeing at the same time.

Feminine · 18/09/2011 13:05

"jigger dobbed on my door" I know this is not what you meant ~

maypole :)

maypole1 · 18/09/2011 13:40

No trying to point out no every area in London is rough

I lived in a village and had nigger daubed on my door it was awful I feel much safer in London

thefirstMrsDeVere · 18/09/2011 13:50

Every area in London is rough. You are only ever a few streets away from a rough area. Its the way London is.

The poshest parts are right next to the roughest parts. There isnt anwhere in London that you are not near somewhere the OP would think was rough.

But being in a rough area doesnt mean you are in danger everytime you stand next to your living room window

Feminine · 18/09/2011 14:07

Oh I agree maypole thats the funny thing about London.

I am so sorry about your door...idiots!

seasidesister · 18/09/2011 14:08

OP yanbu to think carefully about this but work out WHAT it is thats making you feel uncomfortable. Do you think that this area has no decent people in it? What do you think is going to happen if she goes there? Is there anything about your daughter that makes her particularly vulnerable?

You need to then discuss your fears with your daughter and listen to her. She can tell you about her friend, her family and her area. You can tell her what you are worried about. Its always better to get fears out into the open.

Feminine · 18/09/2011 14:11

MrsDeVere When I lived in (what would be considered) a very rough London spot...I felt quite safe.
Most of the trouble makers took their skills elsewhere

Families and communities are strong in typically rough areas IMO.

mumeeee · 18/09/2011 18:08

YABU. We used to live in a so called rough area. Bur in fact it was a lot nicer then some other good areas of the city, it had just been given a bad name. Let you DD go to a sleepover at her friends house.

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