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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let dd go to a sleepover in a rough area?

245 replies

mrsshears · 17/09/2011 12:32

My dd is nearly 14,she has made friends with a girl who lives in a very deprived rough area of town(think stabbings,shootings etc).
I have no problem with this,the friend is a nice girl(admittedly i have only seen her a handful of times but on each occasion she was lovely)
I have never met her parents.
I have said to dd since she met this friend that there would be no option of dd going to this friends house and that her friend would always have to come to dd.Dd has been invited to a sleepover at this girls house tonight to which i have said in no uncertain terms,no way.
I have however said that this friend can come to us for a sleepover,dd thinks im being really unreasonable not letting her go,i have explained my reasons and said that it will always be a no and that wont change.
What do you think?

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 17/09/2011 16:59

I won't condemn you for making that decision, I have not yet been in a similar position so I don't know how I would have handled it. Fact is though that the friendship will be difficult to maintain if your dd can never go to her friend's house, not impossible maybe but it will impinge on it

StopRainingPlease · 17/09/2011 17:03

I'm interested in this "meeting the parents" business. What happens if you arrange a meeting with the parents, either in advance or you going along on the day, and then you decide that they are rough as hell and no way is your daughter going for a sleepover. What then? What do you say to your daughter and what does she say to her friend, and what does her friend say to her parents?

ZZZenAgain · 17/09/2011 17:07

I think it would have to be on a separate occasion ,not connected with a sleepover at their house

maypole1 · 17/09/2011 17:16

The issue should be what the parents are like not the area

Unless you are saying if the parents were crazy but lived in the nice end of town it would be fine

If the girls parents are sound their should be no issue no matter were they live meet them first then decide

Majority of youngsters who go astray is because their parents have poor parenting skills not because of their location

maypole1 · 17/09/2011 17:18

StopRainingPlease you say sorry dd ....... Parents don't hold the same values as us I am happy for you to be ........ Friend but I do not want you round their and their won't be any sleepovers

They are welcome here any time

mrsruffallo · 17/09/2011 17:33

I bet it's not London. OP is one of those that wouldn't bring their child up here for fear of...well, anything and everything it seems.

RitaMorgan · 17/09/2011 17:48

How fucking ridiculous Grin

I live in a poor area - we've had three riots so far this year - and guess what? I've never been shot or stabbed! I've never even been mugged or burgled.

Seeing as I'm not in a gang, I'm not homeless and vulnerable, and I don't buy or sell drugs, stabbings and shootings haven't been an issue for me.

BeaOnSea · 17/09/2011 18:17

YABU the way you told your DD from the off that there was no way she would ever be allowed to sleepover at her friends house without getting more information.

I was raised mainly on "rough" estates that had bad reputations. None of my family ever witnessed anything first hand.

I now live in what estate agents call a "sought after area". The next door neighbour bought his rather splendid house with money made from drugs. When he is away, he likes to let the house out to his mates who have week long raves. I felt safer on the estate.

Jacinda · 17/09/2011 19:00

This thread is a real eye-opener. Prejudice is rife in this country. I live and frequent the roughest areas in UK (on the top 10 list) and I feel perfectly safe all the time. I actually positively enjoy living here - amazing facilities for kids, lovely community Cafes staffed by volunteers, friendly neighbours. The occasional pub fights don't affect me.

birdsofshoreandsea · 17/09/2011 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

seeker · 17/09/2011 19:29

You just can't expect to know your 14 year old's friends' parents. (wow-so impressed by my use of apostrophes in that sentence!

You just have to trust your children.

MHQuestion · 17/09/2011 19:30

i don't get it, i wouldn't want my child to go to an area with stabbings/muggings etc, who would? So why is op getting bashed?

seeker · 17/09/2011 19:34

Because the child is not going clubbing in the area, she is being dropped off at a friend's house and picked up in the morning!

MHQuestion · 17/09/2011 19:38

and you wouldn't worry that the 13 might decide to go out for a walk, go to the shops, go to another friend's house etc?

Blu · 17/09/2011 19:38

MHQuestion: so if a child of yours had a lovely friend from a lovely family - my Ds perhaps - who lived in S London, you would not let your child enter the area?

Stabbings and muggings happen to a tiny minority of people in the area, and are perpetrated by a tiny monority in the area. Yes, you chances may be statistically slightly higher in some areas than others, but the child is being invited to a general residential area (presumably), where many people live and go about thier business happily.

slavetofilofax · 17/09/2011 19:38

I am shocked at how many people think the OP is being unresasonable.

She says it's a particularly unsafe area. She doesn't want her 13 year old child to go there. What's so wrong with that?

Especially when you add in the fact that she doesn't know the parents, and probably doesn't personally know the area.

usualsuspect · 17/09/2011 19:39

MHQuestion ,do you live in a rough area or a nice cosy street?

because those of us that live in rougher areas are not all mad stabbers and muggers

Mitmoo · 17/09/2011 19:40

YOu don't like the area and haven't met the parents. I'd have need to meet the parents first. I don't think you are being unreasonable or a snob. The solution would be to have a chat with the parents before a sleepover but not to stop it just on the grounds of the area.

I can also see there would be times when I would stop a sleepover on the grounds of area alone though. Let's say I knew she lived next to a drug dealers house which was visited by druggies nightly with needles left on the street etc. or a block of flats where the downstairs were filled with druggies needing their fixes (going by some tv programmes where the locals have reclaimed the areas), then I'd say no.

Bloodymary · 17/09/2011 19:40

MHQuestion Exactly! Well said!

MHQuestion · 17/09/2011 19:43

Usual - i'm not saying 'you' are all mad stabbers or muggers, obviously. I'm saying that I wouldn't want my child going somewhere where there is a higher chance of something bad happening. Who would? Wwho would seriously think, hmm, they can stay here and be ok or they can go there where all the stabbings and muggings happen, I'll send them there!

You say you live in a rough area Usual, why do you choose to do that?

usualsuspect · 17/09/2011 19:43

and tbh I knew hardly any of my teenage childrens friends parents

MHQuestion · 17/09/2011 19:44

Blu - sorry missed your question. I don't know london well enough to say whether it is 'rough' or not, i would imagine its a wide ranging mixture in such a large area. If your ds lives in a 'non rough' area then of course my dc could visit. If it was an area known for crime then no.

usualsuspect · 17/09/2011 19:45

I don't think it is a rough area ,but by MN standards it is ,and maybe its because its all I can afford

GypsyMoth · 17/09/2011 19:45

MHquestiin.....so there is no crime where you live then?

LynetteScavo · 17/09/2011 19:47

YABU to not let her go because of the area.

YANBU to not let her go because you have not met the parents.