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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let dd go to a sleepover in a rough area?

245 replies

mrsshears · 17/09/2011 12:32

My dd is nearly 14,she has made friends with a girl who lives in a very deprived rough area of town(think stabbings,shootings etc).
I have no problem with this,the friend is a nice girl(admittedly i have only seen her a handful of times but on each occasion she was lovely)
I have never met her parents.
I have said to dd since she met this friend that there would be no option of dd going to this friends house and that her friend would always have to come to dd.Dd has been invited to a sleepover at this girls house tonight to which i have said in no uncertain terms,no way.
I have however said that this friend can come to us for a sleepover,dd thinks im being really unreasonable not letting her go,i have explained my reasons and said that it will always be a no and that wont change.
What do you think?

OP posts:
seeker · 17/09/2011 15:12

Ok. Exactly how many stabbings and shootings have there been in the last 6 months?

minxofmancunia · 17/09/2011 15:12

I'm happy to say where i think is rough...I grew up near Stoke..much of it rough as a badgers arse.

Lovely friendly warm hearted people though Smile

GypsyMoth · 17/09/2011 15:13

Ha! You want to be thankful it's only a 'friend' so far and she hasn't met a 'boyfriend' from that area yet!!

You won't be able to keep her and her teenage hormones in your nice safe street then op!!

usualsuspect · 17/09/2011 15:13

Places do have reputations I'm not denying that ,one of my Dds best friends lives in a notorious red light district

but I have never stopped my DD going there or judged her friends family for living there

LadyBeagleEyes · 17/09/2011 15:15

Well exactly, Bloodymary.
All the more reason for giving us a general idea, there may well be people that can reasssure her that the area is not as black as she's painted.
Is it in the UK OP?

Bloodymary · 17/09/2011 15:16

Actually, after all that I have said, we live in a tiny little village and recently a local threatened some lads with his gun.
He was defending his property tho, do not know if that makes it any better Grin

usualsuspect · 17/09/2011 15:17

North? South? Grin

birdsofshoreandsea · 17/09/2011 15:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
mrsshears · 17/09/2011 15:31

Thank you birdsofshoreandsea i posted earlier more or less stating that.
It would be really awkward for my dd.

OP posts:
MollyTheMole · 17/09/2011 15:35

Birds - they could have a sleepover at anyones house and the OP would not be certain they would stay in as the OP would not be there to supervise.

I dont think OP woudl be unreasonable to speak to the girls parents first though to see what their thoughts are on impromptu trips out of the house in this god forsaken area, wherever it may be

LadyBeagleEyes · 17/09/2011 15:37

So everybody who pops down to the shops in this 'area' is knifed or shot.
An if they stay home they'll get a brick through the window.
Bloody Hell, it sounds like a war zone.
I'm guessing it's Tripoli OP.
Am I getting warm?

Bloodymary · 17/09/2011 15:42

I do not recall the OP or anybody else saying that LadyBeagleEyes.

birdsofshoreandsea · 17/09/2011 16:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeakytoy · 17/09/2011 16:07

I don't want to identify my dp but he worked in a business where you would routinely go door to door and NONE of his colleagues would even pass through this area for any reason. Half the houses were boarded up metal shutters etc

If he was the postman, I bet that made his sack a lot lighter Grin

babynamesgrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 17/09/2011 16:09

YANBU OP, if you had said "AIBU to not let my child sleepover in a poor area" then you would be a big fat snob.

A rough area generally means that a good amount of people in the area act roughly. You haven't met the family which is a big no no first of all and second of all, I'm not going to let my kid go in to an area where kids get shot to prove how liberal and not snobby I am.

This idea that bad things only happen at night so if the kids go out that evening before dark will be perfectly safe is ridiculous and the sort of thing middle class well off people who haven't got a real clue think.

The other idea that 14 year olds don't sneak out after their parents are asleep and go for random wanders is just naive.

spookshowangellovesit · 17/09/2011 16:10

the op is obviously a very over protective, very irrational person that comes up with really bad excuses as to why her daughter can not stay at peoples houses (its too far away Hmm).
no one likes to think they have put there child in harms way and yet you cant protect them for ever either. i really cant for the life of me see how letting her stay at some ones house is doing that, but showing her her parents inbuilt prejudiced probably does. i know i would have been ashamed of my mother in this instance. you may be proven right who knows or you may yet get to leap upon something that you can hold on to that you feel proves you right, i tend to agree with the people who say that the lovely girl could prob do with out the one sided friendship and people in her life that are going to judge her or not accept her because of where she grew up.
i certainly wouldnt want my daughter going to your house if i knew how you felt, you are not really casting your self in a very good light.

ilovesooty · 17/09/2011 16:19

Since this other girl is shunned by her peers who live in "nice" areas, I bet she and her mother are very well aware of your reasons for not letting your daughter go to her house.

If the other girl is coming to you yet again and mum is dropping her off so that she can be met/inspected, that mother is a bigger person than you, regardless of where she lives.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 17/09/2011 16:20

YABU

But then I would say that because you wouldnt let your DD come and stay at my house.

Looking out at the kids playing on the green that seems a bit weird.

People have been stabbed near here and shot and mugged.

But I can honestly say, hand on heart, that no child has ever been shot, stabbed or mugged in my house or even whilst playing outside it.

I think you are kind of making up reasons to justify you being snobby about the family.

Which is a shame.

I wonder why you didnt put your concerns about not knowing the parents first instead of describing the area in which they lived.

I wouldnt let my kids have a sleepover in Kensington Palace if I didnt know the parents.

ilovesooty · 17/09/2011 16:22

She must know why as it's such a lame excuse. After all, your house is as far away from hers as hers from yours. If you continue to say no having met the other mum your snobbery's exposed for what it is.

pigletmania · 17/09/2011 16:26

YABU and a snob imo. However why don't you meet the parents first, invite them over to yours for a chat and a brew. You make a judgement of the parents, not the house or area!

GypsyMoth · 17/09/2011 16:39

Harm came to my own dd recently, court case just finished, at a friends sleepover. Wealthy parents, good area..... Village with hardly any crime. It was grim! Happens tho

HappyMummyOfOne · 17/09/2011 16:40

YANBU, there is no way i'd let me child go to an area with a high crime rate. Its common sense not snobbery.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 17/09/2011 16:42

That is horrible Ilove. I hope she is ok.

happy your child would never be able to stay anywhere in London or any other major city then.

GypsyMoth · 17/09/2011 16:47

She is now mrsdv, her friend came off worse. It's in her head tho, always will be I guess

I don't actually encourage sleepovers anymore, simply because of what happened to my dd. I guess it's irrational, but I do think they happen too much these days, and as we found out to our cost, they can be abused.

I'm a bit confused about them now. But op came across as a little snobby, but for me, the parents would have to be there, so only way to find out is to drop her off yourself I guess

electra · 17/09/2011 16:54

I don't understand how the OP thinks she can keep her dd in a bubble. That sounds awful Tiffany :-(

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