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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let dd go to a sleepover in a rough area?

245 replies

mrsshears · 17/09/2011 12:32

My dd is nearly 14,she has made friends with a girl who lives in a very deprived rough area of town(think stabbings,shootings etc).
I have no problem with this,the friend is a nice girl(admittedly i have only seen her a handful of times but on each occasion she was lovely)
I have never met her parents.
I have said to dd since she met this friend that there would be no option of dd going to this friends house and that her friend would always have to come to dd.Dd has been invited to a sleepover at this girls house tonight to which i have said in no uncertain terms,no way.
I have however said that this friend can come to us for a sleepover,dd thinks im being really unreasonable not letting her go,i have explained my reasons and said that it will always be a no and that wont change.
What do you think?

OP posts:
JustAnother · 17/09/2011 13:14

If the girl is lovely, chances are that her parents are lovely as well.

Birdsgottafly · 17/09/2011 13:17

I have three teenage DD's, i wouldn't let them stay in a house that i didn't know, or hadn't at least met, the adults who lived/went there.

I live in a 'rough' area, i am not the only professional that lives in the area, though, there is a mix of people.

You need to know what they are going to be doing, i don't let my DD's out on the streets where i live, the kids are to violent and take drugs/drink, so trouble can kick off at any time. This then often brings trouble to the door, as well, so windows go in.

I often use the example of where i live as an incentive for my middle DD to do well at school, so she has choice about where she lives in the future.

Tbh the 'better' areas have a similar range of problems, just on a lesser scale.

JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns · 17/09/2011 13:19

I think yabu.

We had no choice but to move to a 'rough' area, things I'd heard were horrendous and many friends refused to visit, two months later we've seen or heard NOTHING its a very quiet friendly area there is a high police presence since the stations on the estate. Most stories are in fact Stories!

Threads like this really upset me, we are good kind honest people whod never dream of allowing our children roam, let alone anyone elses. Tarring with the same brush springs to mind :(

LadyBeagleEyes · 17/09/2011 13:21

I also think UABU.
However 'rough' the area is, there will be good and bad people around.
If the girl is lovely, chances are her parents are as well.

queenmaeve · 17/09/2011 13:29

Of course you would have concerns if you didn't know the parents. But I would have those concerns no matter what area people lived in. I tend to make my mind up about people whenever I've met them not by where they live. my eldest ds's circle of friends range from one boy who lives in a terraced house on a council estate and another boy whose house resembles Downtown Abbey. It makes no difference which house he might be staying in, I know all the parents and trust them to look after my son like I do theres.

Original poster
mrsshears · 17/09/2011 13:32

looks like its more or less unanimous then!

DD's friend is coming to us,her mum will drop her off so i will have a chance to meet her and vice versa.
I understand what most of you are saying and i do feel guillty and sorry for this girl but my dd's safety is my priority.

OP posts:
Feminine · 17/09/2011 13:33

I agree that if the girl is lovely, her parents will probably be lovely too!

At 14 I think I would still see nothing wrong with dropping her there,and picking up though. (and with the hope Wink that she stays in at night)

I am really curious to know where this place is now... I have lived in many places that had all those things happen -a very ordinary London suburb with lovely law abiding neighbours :)

HairyGrotter · 17/09/2011 13:33

YABU with respect to judging the area.

I live in a caaaaaannncil block, which had someone thrown off it and killed nearing 14 years ago, and STILL people deem it rough, although most of the flats are now privately owned by professional people. They shifted the shit out and replaced them with families, some undesirables are about, but they are more likely to offer your child a can of sugar than stab you.

Meet the parents, then assess it from there. Don't judge those by the areas in which they live, it's a pretty poor basis of judgement.

mrsruffallo · 17/09/2011 13:34

Unless she is walking the streets at midbight she will be safe

AnyoneButLulu · 17/09/2011 13:35

If you meet the parents, pick up and drop off then I can't really see why you'd object.

Original poster
mrsshears · 17/09/2011 13:35

I should add that its not that i think this girls parents will not be nice because of where they live it's because i dont know them,but as my op states my main concern is that i dont want my dd in such an area as the one where the family live.

OP posts:
Feminine · 17/09/2011 13:37

Is it close to you op?

Is it the rougher area of town? :)

usualsuspect · 17/09/2011 13:40

Do you plan to keep her away from the rough areas for ever?

mrsruffallo · 17/09/2011 13:42

Well, it seems your mind is made up then, despite the fact that this girl is perfectly nice and has been brought up in the 'rough' area.
I have lived in 'rough' areas and have not been mugged, shot, stabbed or had bricks through my window.
I would love to know what area you are referring to.

Original poster
mrsshears · 17/09/2011 13:43

In all honesty usual yes hopefully.

OP posts:
Bloodymary · 17/09/2011 13:43

Well said OP.

squeakytoy · 17/09/2011 13:44

but my dd's safety is my priority.

i dont want my dd in such an area as the one where the family live

But she is nearly 14, how on earth do you expect to keep her in only areas that you "approve of" for much longer?

Do you allow her out on her own at all? Do you let her go shopping with friends?

usualsuspect · 17/09/2011 13:44

I just hope she doesn't turn into a snob like you then

mrsruffallo · 17/09/2011 13:44

Is the sleepover in downtown baltimore?

GypsyMoth · 17/09/2011 13:44

Op, I can see you paying on the teenagers section too

'told my dd no but she did it anyway'

And if your dd rebels ( sounds like she's already questioning you) you could completely lose control over her

Pick your battles,don't think this is one of them tbh

GypsyMoth · 17/09/2011 13:45

Posting not paying!

usualsuspect · 17/09/2011 13:45

Grin at mrsruffallo

Feminine · 17/09/2011 13:45

In fact the roughest area I ever lived in was the most peaceful at night!

Have you been there much in the day?

mrsruffallo · 17/09/2011 13:46

This is snobbery, pure and simple.

Feminine · 17/09/2011 13:48

I don't think op is being a snob, I think she has maybe decided the area is much worse than it is.

I can understand the fear ,I don't think being fearful in this situation is helpful.