Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not straighten my hair after my boss telling me to?

245 replies

katecreate · 15/09/2011 16:38

I work as a concierge and thus always on view to the public. I also have curly hair. Today, my boss took me aside to tell me that my hair looks unkempt as it is and that it would be in the interest of me keeping the job to straighten it!

Now, my hair get a bit frizzy sometimes but is otherwise well maintained. It is naturally curly and I like it that way. I told my boss (politely) where to stick it and he just said that I agreed when I signed my contract to be presentable and I should suck it up (he would like to wear a beard but it would be frowned upon apparently Hmm...not the same thing either!). That he takes a dim view of me arguing with him.

I think he is totally wrong to ask me to change something about myself and that it is verging on the discrimatory. However, I also know how difficult it would be to find another job too in this market. I know the job centre would take a dim view of getting sacked!

Thoughts?

OP posts:
SoftKittyWarmKitty · 15/09/2011 22:43

Cote She's already said she wore her hair loose at the interview, and has just completed her probabtionary period, which in many places of employment is 4 weeks (although may be different, of course).

RandomMess · 15/09/2011 22:43

I get headaches from pony tails etc, I can only really gently plait my hair - is that an option?

Original poster
katecreate · 15/09/2011 22:43

@WhoseGot

Yeah, me too. It's great when you need big hair for a night out though Smile

I have the same problem. I do use grips but it doesn't help much Sad

I think he just wants it like Ms Trunchball's hair out of the Matilda film!

OP posts:
Original poster
katecreate · 15/09/2011 22:46

@Cote

He said, and I quote verbatim, "it looks unkempt".

Curly and down at the interview.

Probation was 6 weeks, been working for 8.

OP posts:
WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 15/09/2011 22:47

Ooh yes a plait! I do that sometimes. When I let it out again it's looks ok once I've given it a shake up and it's almost back to being bouncy.

Original poster
katecreate · 15/09/2011 22:47

RandomMess- it does a really weird thing where it's very fat at the top and extremely thin at the bottom when I plait it Grin I look silly!

OP posts:
SoftKittyWarmKitty · 15/09/2011 22:49

Kate I think you just need to keep your hair as tidy as you can for work and see if he says anything else. If he does, ask him to put his request, and what the 'consequences' will be if you don't comply with his request, in writing. You can then decide what steps to take next, if any.

nickschick · 15/09/2011 22:55

What about me? when I worked in a hotel the owner used to say to me -wear your hair down I prefer it like that - tied back you look like a matron .....then hed say wear a pretty dress tomorrow or other such sexist commentsSmile it didnt bother me the customers changed week by week so early summer we might have a lot of bike festivals so black jeans and a lot of make up was the 'norm' when it was OAP season it was pretty dresses and looser hair etc etc.

I wasnt offended even though he was very sexist.

I think sometimes its just easier to go with the flow rather than look for a fight.

makachu · 15/09/2011 22:56

I've never once been served by someone with tied back, obviously curly hair and thought "that is so unhygienic and untidy." I have often been served by ladies with hair tightly scraped back and plastered to their heads in a bun with a scrunchy and thought "ew, that's too much product, that doesn't look very clean, a bit common and should that much make up be worn at work?" But who am I to say that MY idea of well presented and tidy should be forced upon people who think scraped back and greased down is "immaculate dressing." In my opinion, asking to keep hair tied back for hygiene reasons is ok. Asking an employee to fundamentally alter his/her natural appearance due to a personal preference is absolutely NOT ok. What is that saying about how the management look upon curly haired customers? Why is having curly hair a problem, I just don't get it! I also don't get why some posters are so intent upon overwriting what the OP has said- it is definitely not about tying back her hair, it is about this man's personal preference for straightened hair.

"she had curly hair when she was hired so it is not the curls that bother him."

Perhaps he hired her with the expectation that she would straighten it or he could force her to straighten it.

mathanxiety · 16/09/2011 06:28

'You have to be the well-groomed, neat, impeccably dressed face of this hotel. You probably need to wear a uniform, which has to be clean and ironed.'

How is curly hair the opposite of all of this? How does all of this equal straight hair? How is straightening curly hair equal to 'improving' her appearance?

Cote, would you like to answer the question about 'natural' sub Saharan black African hair and whether it is possible for a woman or man with that sort of hair to be 'well-groomed, neat, impeccably dressed' since it has been ignored by the person to whom I addressed it?

I think Feminine may have hit the nail on the head -- the wife doesn't like having someone around whose hair she considers sexy or more attractive than hers. It's well known that women with curly hair are wanton temptresses.

HardCheese · 16/09/2011 08:30

Some of the attitudes on this thread are blowing my mind. It's a maddening situation, Katecreate, and I'm not surprised you're annoyed. However, the widespread idea that curly hair is 'ungroomed' and means its owner isn't trying hard enough is all too familiar to me, as a curly-haired woman. If I had a pound over the last decade for every hairdresser who just assumed I wanted it blow-dried straight after a cut, I'd be rich. Yes, a lot of women straighten their hair, and obviously, that's up to them, but I am disturbed by the fact that it's become an iron-clad societal norm to the extent that ordinarily-tidy curly hair is considered ungroomed and the equivalent of showing up to work in an unironed or dirty outfit! Other women choose to straighten their hair, just the way some women choose to wax all the hair off their crotches - but this doesn't mean your workplace should think this is the way female crotches or head hair NEED to be. This has nothing to do with presenting an acceptable surface in a professional situation, and everything to do with the increased policing of female appearance, and increased intervention in female appearance becoming an enforced norm. Grr.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 16/09/2011 08:33

SoftKittyWarmKitty I think you just need to keep your hair as tidy as you can for work and see if he says anything else. If he does, ask him to put his request, and what the 'consequences' will be if you don't comply with his request, in writing. You can then decide what steps to take next, if any. - I agree with that.

Asking an employee to fundamentally alter his/her natural appearance due to a personal preference is absolutely NOT ok. I also don't get why some posters are so intent upon overwriting what the OP has said- it is definitely not about tying back her hair, it is about this man's personal preference for straightened hair. Well said makachu

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 16/09/2011 08:38

Also wanted to say Kate that I use Boots curl cream on my hair. It's really cheap and makes sure my hair goes into defined curls and it never really goes frizzy with that on.

Butterbur · 16/09/2011 08:56

Tell him your curls are from your black heritage. Hint that action for racial discrimination will ensue if he persists.

What a tosser. Curly hair is lovely. I wish I had it, instead of baby fine,limp stuff.

CoteDAzur · 16/09/2011 12:03

Makachu - If this was about her boss' "personal preference for straight hair", he would not have hired OP.

Her hair doesn't look neat enough for her boss. That is the problem. OP thinks it is neat, but her opinion on this doesn't trump that of her boss.

At the end of the day, either she will sort out her appearance by hair products, pulling it up and away from her face, regular blow-dries etc or she will lose this job.

Very simple, and has nothing to do with discrimination, racism, or the boss being a "nob".

CoteDAzur · 16/09/2011 12:11

math - Curly hair is not the opposite of well-groomed. I have curly hair, as I mentioned before, and know from experience that it is perfectly possible to condition & syle it so that it will not frizz, fly away, or become a huge helmet a la Diana Ross.

However, you need to put a bit of time and effort into it. Straight hair is perhaps easier to style and looks tidier in its original state because it is not as prone to frizzing and pointing in different directions, frequently defying gravity.

I am not saying anything controversial here and find your indignation quite puzzling.

CoteDAzur · 16/09/2011 12:15

"Perhaps he hired her with the expectation that she would straighten it or he could force her to straighten it."

Because employers do that Hmm

If he has hired her after seeing her curly hair and has not even mentioned straightening it during the interview, than it is very safe to say that this is not about curly hair in general but her unwillingness to style it better.

MollyTheMole · 16/09/2011 12:37

Dread to think what this tosspot would make of my arse length ginger very curly hair!!

makachu · 16/09/2011 13:31

But it IS about curly hair in general, the OP has said that her boss specifically asked her to straighten it! I think that it's very strange to accept and reinforce discrimination on the grounds of personal appearance that has nothing to do with cleanliness, only a personal preference for helmet hair. In this instance, I think the OP's opinion does trump that of her boss! Perhaps she could compromise by tying it back and using clips, but insisting on anything more than that is taking things too far. CoteDAzur, perhaps it needs to become more of a norm to see curly hair in a professional working environment, then it will no longer be considered out of place. I can't imagine insisting that a man straighten his hair, even if curly haired men are made fun of due to having it.

I have poker straight hair. If my boss came up to me and said "Sorry, but you have to curl your hair because I think you're straight hair is too flat and wispy. The customers will only accept service from a curly haired concierge. I only want a curly haired person to be the face of this business." I would tell him that I want that in writing, and I would SUE him/her if I lost my job because of my natural physical appearance. I think it's equally wrong to hire someone on the basis that they're pretty, skinny, tanned, a certain race, a certain hair colour/type, and in my opinion asking someone to straighten their hair is the same as saying " you are too fat, you are too short, you are too ugly, you are too brown."

I don't see how these things impact upon customer service in any way. The OP is a concierge, not a model.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 16/09/2011 13:40

CoteDAzur If he has hired her after seeing her curly hair and has not even mentioned straightening it during the interview, than it is very safe to say that this is not about curly hair in general but her unwillingness to style it better.

No that is not safe to say at all. If he wanted her to style it better he would of said "style it better", instead he said "straighten it". HE said it, why are YOU saying he must mean something else. OP has also said she IS willing to tidy her hair, she is just unwilling to straighten it.

I'm starting to think the YOU have something against curly hair!

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 16/09/2011 13:42

makachu in my opinion asking someone to straighten their hair is the same as saying " you are too fat, you are too short, you are too ugly, you are too brown." I don't see how these things impact upon customer service in any way. The OP is a concierge, not a model.

Damn well said!

giveitago · 16/09/2011 13:48

OP I have very thick rather frizzy,wavy/curly hair.

I've never been asked to tidy it up. It's my hair - the way it is - just like my eye colour is the way it is etc.

I could straighten my hair but a) it would take hours b) straightening hair looks severe c) why the f'ck should I? If it's really bad I just put in a band to tie it back.

We had a secretary on our team once (years ago when I worked in the City) = she had red curly hair - she was told to chop it all off and she did. This was by her female boss.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 16/09/2011 13:57

giveitago That is awful about the red head secretary!

controlpantsandgladrags · 16/09/2011 13:57

Your boss is being completely unreasonable in asking you to straighten your hair. He's not unreasonable in asking you to keep it tidy........do you wear it back off your face? Maybe that's what he means?

My hair is very thick and very curly to the point where more than one hairdreser has told me the only way to straighten it effectively would be to do it chemically. It's been attempted on many an occasion with straighteners and blow drying, but it just doesn't work. What does he expect you to do in that situation? Shave your head?!

Actually shaving your head could be a good solution........wonder what he'd make of that? Grin

CoteDAzur · 16/09/2011 17:26

"I think it's equally wrong to hire someone on the basis that they're pretty"

You must think it's a coincidence that hosts in conferences and fairs, for example, are generally so young and beautiful.

I don't knw if you ever stayed in a hotel with a concierge, but they are very presentable. I realize that you don't get this, but OP was hired in part because of her appearance and now has a responsibility keep it up.

Again, it is not OP but her boss who decides what proper appearance for a concierge at this hotel is. If he says her hair looks unkept, then she needs to work on improving it.