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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking SIL wanting to take (unborn) DS for a day the week he is born isn't normal?

322 replies

SchrodingersMew · 14/09/2011 10:32

I'm to be induced the same week my SIL has a week off and she wants to take him for a day that week because she will be off work.

She seems totally adamant and my DP doesn't see a problem with it and thinks it will give me time to relax but I know I just wont want to let go of him so soon.

I had agreed she could take him for a day before I realised she was talking about the week he was going to be born.

I realise she's probably just trying to help and she loves kids but this doesn't seem what would normally happen. God, I have friends who refused to even really see anyone for weeks.

AIBU?

OP posts:
kat2504 · 14/09/2011 11:01

well ok that seems to refer to when you are in hospital, but surely the same principle will apply at home.

It should be about what is best for the baby. If she loves kids then she will want to do what is best for him, not what she wants. It won't be best for the baby to be separated from its parents. It would upset and confuse him.

SurprisEs · 14/09/2011 11:02

I thought there was a minimum age as I never found a nursery that would take babies under 3 months. Obviously I was wrong and take back my comment.

Still, few days old and 6 weeks old- HUGE difference.

Abra1d · 14/09/2011 11:02

I am far from being Mrs Clingy with newborns and was happy for my parents and husband to take both mine out for walks, etc, without me, during the first week, but NO WAY would I have let them take the babies away from me during those early days. You need to be together.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 14/09/2011 11:02

She is being an idiot if she thinks that's a good idea.

You need to be very, very assertive!

gingercurl · 14/09/2011 11:03

OP, don't hint. Tell her straight out. This is your baby, not some sort of trophy to be passed around. Get is straight now! Also, when are you being induced. I was induced on the Friday morning. DS didn't turn up until midday Sunday, so with a bit of luck your baby may not be born until after she's back at work. Wink

pootlebug · 14/09/2011 11:04

I get that she is excited and wants to help. But she is also waaaaay off the mark.

If she wants to help, then if you feel up to her coming, she can come and make the dinner/run the hoover around/generally make herself useful. And potentially help you bath the baby, or give him a quick cuddle, IF you are feeling okay about that on the day.

I agree with previous posters that even if you have milk, you will likely mess with your supply in a big way to take the baby away at that stage. But you shouldn't need to use that as an excuse - taking a baby away from its mother at a few days old is just wrong, full stop.

SoftSheen · 14/09/2011 11:04

I am staggered that anyone would even suggest this. Just say NO!!!! If you want breastfeeding to work you will need to be with your baby more or less 24/7 for the first few weeks, and will be feeding very frequently. As other posters have said, you will not be able to express in the first week, and it is not a good idea to introduce bottles or dummies for at least a month or two. Even if you don't bf, you and your baby need to bond, you need to learn to understand his cues, and make him feel secure. Your baby needs to learn who his mummy is!

By all means accept help from others, but they should be cooking you meals, shopping, washing etc whilst you snuggle up with your newborn. If your visitors are not willing to 'help' you in a way that is actually helpful, then ask them to leave. The first few weeks are such a special time, don't let anyone spoil it for you and your baby!

marge2 · 14/09/2011 11:05

Bananas! Just say no. What are they going to do. Drag your baby out of your arms?? First week you will still be trying to establish feeding so daft idea. Cuddles certainly - a whole day - SOOO not.

Original poster
SchrodingersMew · 14/09/2011 11:05

I'm glad to see I really, really am not BU. I guess pg hormones were starting to play on my mind and make me think I was just being precious.

I do believe everyone is right and it is just for her. They've also been planning what he's going to wear to her wedding for months!

I was recently asked to be a bridesmaid, before that though he was meant to be going in the car without me!

I tried to tell her that a baby at the actual wedding was a a bad idea and he would be crying a lot probably and she was determined he would be there. Now I think during the ceremony if he cries they are planning on having an aunt (that I've never met) take him out to the car until it's over but said to me "don't worry though, he'll be there for the pictures" Angry really there's a few things that have been bugging me.

OP posts:
rogersmellyonthetelly · 14/09/2011 11:08

What new babies want is a warm comfy spot with milk on demand and a clean bum. This means an endless round of feeding arse wiping and cuddling.
What they don't want is to be removed from their warm comfy spot by a well meaning stranger who may or may not have milk on demand (depends if ff)
And who doesn't smell like mum.
What you will want as the mother of a new baby (apart from about 2 years of uninterrupted sleep, a new fanny and boobs that dont look like something from playboy) is to know that your baby is next to you so that you can tend to his every need for milk, arse wiping and warm cosy place to sleep.
If SIL is so desperate to be involved, ask her over for the day saying that it would be lovely to have an extra pair of hands to help, but that you don't feel up to going out yet (trust me, unless you are superwoman you won't feel like going anywhere except to mothercare for more breast pads/maternity towels/nappies) and that you aren't ready to be separated from your ds so soon.
I cleary remember my own dsis taking my ds1 out for a couple of hours when he was about 6 weeks old so that I could sleep/rest. I didn't sleep, I paced up and down wondering if he was crying/hungry/wet and couldnt wait for him to come home.

beatrixkitto · 14/09/2011 11:08

Yeah I reckon I'd put up with that too op..... [Hmm]

LetThereBeRock · 14/09/2011 11:09

YADNBU.You're just getting to know him. Definitely not normal. She could certainly help you out though,with cleaning,cooking etc if she's so anxious to help.

LetThereBeRock · 14/09/2011 11:10

I'm amazed that your dp could even consider it.

Millie1 · 14/09/2011 11:11

Oh gosh, you really need to put her in her box!! I'm sure she's excited and trying to be nice but ......

I promise you, when your baby is born you absolutely will not want to let him out of your sight for ages and he will need YOU, not your SIL! I really do think you need to tell her a firm No now, don't let this drag on. And say it in a way which will not broker any arguments!!

Good luck.

Original poster
SchrodingersMew · 14/09/2011 11:11

I think I might just take everyone's advice. Say no and ask her to come round and help a bit.

If she says no, then I know it will just be for her benefit. If she says yes then I would be grateful. :)

OP posts:
Original poster
SchrodingersMew · 14/09/2011 11:12

LetThereBeRock My DP is lovely but maybe sometimes a bit thoughtless. I've had a really, really bad pg and I think he's just looking at it as wanting me to rest. I guess he hasn't really thought about it.

OP posts:
kat2504 · 14/09/2011 11:12

Seems like she thinks the baby is some sort of accessory. FFS he is not a toy to dress up for her wedding pictures and play with.

Practise speaking up for yourself and saying NO more often, it looks like it is a skill you are really going to need!

Original poster
SchrodingersMew · 14/09/2011 11:14

Kat I've been saying that for a while and been getting mega Angry when I hear her talk about it.

I normally am great at saying no, just when it comes to DP's family who have all been lovely (apart from SIL) I'm scared of creating arguments and even worse in the state I am just now.

You're right though I need to learn to say no now.

OP posts:
zdcgbjm · 14/09/2011 11:18

You really need to put your foot down. This is your baby not hers and you get to choose when, where and with whom he goes, and what he wears FFS.

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 14/09/2011 11:18

Oh, I think that being firm now is going to serve you VERY well for the future.

He is essentially a new doll for her to play with charitably I can see she does love children BUT she needs to respect your boundaries and what you feel comfortable with, regardless of what x y and z do, IT NEEDS TO BE WHAT YOU ARE COMFORTABLE WITH. If you do not stand up for yourself and your baby now you may well look back on this time with some regret. What is the worst that can happen she gets upset and backs off, yes but then you can build bridgesand set boundaries that you are happy with.

Honestly do not gently hint of be a little vague to save hurt feelings or the only feelings who will be hurt will be yours and your new baby ds's.

Oh and as for your DP/DH he needs to stand up o the plate and support you in this, you can be close to family without being on top of one another, and be able to say no without a backlash.

Original poster
SchrodingersMew · 14/09/2011 11:21

I will put my foot down from now on...

I have another worry while we're here.

His family have a dog who is very ermm boisterous. He has tried to bite me twice in the past couple of months and has jumped up and laid his legs in my bump and when I try to move he snarls... I'm really worried about this and DS being in the house with him.

OP posts:
Cheria · 14/09/2011 11:21

Sounds like a nice but impractical offer. Why don't you ask her to spend a couple of days with you so that DH can do other things/go to work and she can help out / give you time for a nap. And emphasise the helping out.

That is, if you can cope with having someone in the house - I believe a lot of people can't. I loved it when people came round so I could hand over the heavy baby and have a decent shower, wash my hair and try and feel half human.

I think it's lovely that her aunt wants to get involved. My sisters and SIL couldn't have given a toss.

Cheria · 14/09/2011 11:22

my dog is boisterous but very gentle with DD. As long as he is under strict supervision especially while he gets used to the baby it should work out fine. Dogs really don't go out with the intention of harming kids.

Original poster
SchrodingersMew · 14/09/2011 11:25

Cheria I don't think I could handle having people stay! Maybe nice to have people over for a while so as you say I can have a decent shower etc but any longer than that and I might cry!

I hope you are right about the dog. He's very jumpy and excitable and also not a small dog.

Worried though because he barks at kids, have never seen him with a baby but he barks and growls at the next door neighbours kids just because they are in their own back garden. He also steals things and tears them apart and I'm worried about him getting a hold of any of DS's things.

OP posts:
SurprisEs · 14/09/2011 11:26

About the dog, either you stay very close to both baby and dog or you ask if the dog can go in the garden while you are there. It should be fine :) but don't hesitate at any point to voice your concern.

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