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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking SIL wanting to take (unborn) DS for a day the week he is born isn't normal?

322 replies

SchrodingersMew · 14/09/2011 10:32

I'm to be induced the same week my SIL has a week off and she wants to take him for a day that week because she will be off work.

She seems totally adamant and my DP doesn't see a problem with it and thinks it will give me time to relax but I know I just wont want to let go of him so soon.

I had agreed she could take him for a day before I realised she was talking about the week he was going to be born.

I realise she's probably just trying to help and she loves kids but this doesn't seem what would normally happen. God, I have friends who refused to even really see anyone for weeks.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
SchrodingersMew · 17/09/2011 15:02

Thanks everyone for the support. :)

Have had talks with DP and it is now decided he will be saying all the no's as thinking about it he isn't comfortable with someone taking his DS away so soon either.

And he doesn't think of me as livestock! :o He's just not used to BF or had any experience of being around a BF mother so obviously when he has seen adverts for pumps he assumes they must be easy to use. Typical guy mistake really. :)

And sorry it's taken me so long to get back, been a bit unwell the past few days and have been trying to sleep it off.

Wigeon No, I am completely struck by 1, how many people have replied to this thread! I thought I would just get a few replies and 2, how unanimous the YANBU has been. I don't think I have ever seen a thread on AIBU that didn't at least have a handful of YABU!

Really quite touched by the amount of advice I have had, it's been a hard time lately and it's always good to know I can turn to MN and how supportive everyone is on here.

Is it sad I would be totally lost and an emotional wreck without this forum?

OP posts:
Jelly15 · 17/09/2011 15:36

Glad you are much more positive now you have the backing of DP. Please keep us up to date with the situation, I am dying to know how your SIL reacts when see realises you are not going to give in to her daft demands. If she keeps on show her this thread and tell her to get her own baby because she ain't taking yours.

Good luck with the rest of your pregancy and the birth.

Original poster
SchrodingersMew · 17/09/2011 16:31

Jelly Haha, I actually already said to her "why don't you have one of your own if you love kids so much?" Her response; "because if it's someone else's you can hand it back" Hmm So I completely agree with everyone who said she just wants a toy or the attention or to put loads of pictures on FB (which I am also saying no to).

I will keep coming back and updating, it is definitely not happening anyway!

Thanks for the good luck! I'm 37 weeks today so I guess it's anytime really. :)

OP posts:
LoveInAColdClimate · 17/09/2011 17:42

Glad you're feeling more positive. I love MN Smile. I know it's awful when you get a kicking over something you genuinely thought you were NBU over, but it's really heartwarming when you get support over something that's really upsetting you.

Original poster
SchrodingersMew · 17/09/2011 18:44

LoveInAColdClimate Tbh, I've only had a kicking once, possibly twice so have been quite lucky that way. I agree that it's really heartwarming when you get support over something that's bothering you.

I know it's just talking to strangers over the internet but sometimes that's just exactly what you need! :)

OP posts:
LadyFlumpalot · 17/09/2011 20:45

Hi SchrodingersMew - I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if this has been mentioned. She won't be able to have him for a day in his first week anyway as the midwives will visit every day, and, if it's anything like my area, they won't give you a time either.Yes, I know you can ask them to put off a day but don't tell SIL that!

You could maybe invite her round to yours for a few hours to introduce him and let her see for herself why it would be impossible (feedings) and the reality of caring for a newborn (exploding bottoms, unexplained crying etc).

I hope this helps?

Original poster
SchrodingersMew · 18/09/2011 05:17

Hi Lady. :) Thanks for the advice.

Regardless of whether HV's were coming now she isn't getting him. :o I've found my backbone! But you are right.

And I think I will bring her round and let her change nappies for a few hours for a cup of tea and to see him in the safety of my own house. :)

OP posts:
wildhairrunning · 18/09/2011 06:19

Don't forget to update us once she is told ok?!

Lorelai · 18/09/2011 07:28

I am coming to this a bit late, but just wanted to add a bit about medication and bfing - if you want more info, try emailing a guy called Dr Jack Newman (a quick google should find him). He is an American doctor who specialises in breastfeeding, and has a particular interest in helping women to keep bfing while taking medication. I emailed him to ask about some advice I had been given and he replied personally within a few hours (not bad given time difference to California!!).

Original poster
SchrodingersMew · 18/09/2011 13:31

Wildhair Don't worry there will be updates! I'll more than likely start a thread about this after he is born anyway. :) Which is no more than a week now!

Lorelai Thank you so much for that info! I will google him today as I am desperate to BF. :)

OP posts:
wildhairrunning · 18/09/2011 14:20

And with bf call on us mumsnetters anytime and please feel
Free to pm me too! I know how helpful it is to get support so use us!

Finallygotaroundtoit · 18/09/2011 14:36

About your pain meds - if your drs have decided it is OK for you to take in pregnancy, it should also be OK to bf.

Some people (even drs) don't realise that a maturing baby is less vulnerable than when it was a developing fetus and strangely veto drugs that the baby has already been exposed to Hmm
They also sometimes don't appreciate how much better mother's milk is even with the meds.

Also wanted to add for posters who are amazed that a NN would suggest removing a newborn from it's mother - erm looking after other people's babies is what they do! - granted not usually so early.
I have come across a fair few(childless) NNs who can be quite unconcerned about protecting the mother/baby bond. NNs who are mums themselves are IMO more sensitive

Original poster
SchrodingersMew · 18/09/2011 16:18

Finally My pain meds during pg are a "benefits outweigh risks" sort of deal. I had wondered why it would be okay for me to take them while pg but not BF.

I would have a really hard time trying to deal without my pain meds but also would be emotionally stumped if I couldn't even attempt to BF! Bt of a catch 22 there.

I will fight my hardest to try and BF though. I don't know why I am so eager to BF, I guess as I had said on another thread; my life is so medicalised it would mean a lot to me to do something the natural way. :)

Wildhair Thank you for the kind gesture, I am sure I will probably take you up on that offer at some point. :)

OP posts:
Finallygotaroundtoit · 19/09/2011 08:28

So your drs are treating breast feeding and formula feeding as being 'equal'. Confused

They do not understand your quite natural biologically determined need to feed your baby AND they assume there are no risks to formula feeding !

It's been said before but well worth saying again that many health care professionals are completely ignorant about breastfeeding.
Googling risks of not breastfeeding will help them your case (esp medical refs)

live.unicef.org.uk/BabyFriendly/News-and-Research/Research/Breastfeeding-research---An-overview/

Jelly15 · 29/09/2011 15:33

Have you had the baby yet? Is your SIL still demanding you do what she wants?

anonacfr · 29/09/2011 15:49

You know when I first saw this thread and read the title I thought you meant your SIL was having a baby and was planning an day out a few days after giving birth.
I was going to say 'she's optimistic but why not? Once the baby's born she's likely to so knackered she won't want to go anywhere'.

Then I read the thread and was Shock. I can't think of any adult who could not even begin to understand how unreasonable taking someone's newborn for a day is.

cestlavielife · 29/09/2011 15:53

your SIL is nuts.

but i think your DP is in for a shock...

cestlavielife · 29/09/2011 15:56

and yes unless someone is going to come and be helpful around the house - dont invite them for at least six weeks!

first week you will barely leave baby to go to the toilet...

anonacfr · 29/09/2011 16:07

And you'll be barely able to go when in the toilet... Grin

ShoutyHamster · 29/09/2011 16:11

She's a loon.

Word of warning - keep them all at bay, for THEIR sake too... because although you seem to be handling it all pretty well right now, once the baby is here, if your DP lets them crowd you or try to monopolise the baby/take him off you constantly, you will eventually lose it big time.

Plenty of threads on here about how overexcited family pushing their way in immediately after the birth resulted in screaming rows, total alienation and hatred, rifts not healed years later. Seriously.

Don't let them spoil your time, don't let them compromise your bonding and breastfeeding. It's easily done and impossible to get that time back. Show your DP this!!!

Catspersonalbanker · 28/11/2011 09:36

I am glad that you have had so much support too.

I told everyone before hand that I was going to put a note on the front door for the first few weeks stating: "If you are not the midwife or the health visitor- do not knock the door unless you want to feel my wrath"
A bit OTT but everyone got the message and I never had to put the note up.

DH was really good at looking after us at this point and although help was offered , he got all territorial about how he could do everything!

Neighbours spoke to DH when he was outside and were invited in as were family members rather than being overwhelmed.

Pre enmptive strike worked for me. Now that DD is 9 months though- can't keep family away and its nice for my sister to take DD to the park whilst I gather myself:)

Pixieonthemoor · 28/11/2011 10:56

What Finally says regarding some nn's and the mother/baby bond is quite true. I interviewed a maternity nurse to help me in the first couple of weeks and she said to me "when I look after the baby, I will kiss the baby, I will cuddle the baby, I will bath the baby, I will feed they baby. They are MY babies". Needless to say, I didn't hire her as I didn't seem to feature in her plans at all and would have been totally excluded from the whole thing! Quite scary really!! Good luck with it all. YANBU at all - far too early for her to have your baby.

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