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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking SIL wanting to take (unborn) DS for a day the week he is born isn't normal?

322 replies

SchrodingersMew · 14/09/2011 10:32

I'm to be induced the same week my SIL has a week off and she wants to take him for a day that week because she will be off work.

She seems totally adamant and my DP doesn't see a problem with it and thinks it will give me time to relax but I know I just wont want to let go of him so soon.

I had agreed she could take him for a day before I realised she was talking about the week he was going to be born.

I realise she's probably just trying to help and she loves kids but this doesn't seem what would normally happen. God, I have friends who refused to even really see anyone for weeks.

AIBU?

OP posts:
sue52 · 14/09/2011 11:48

I'm so glad your DP has seen the light. I read that your SIL was a nursery nurse, in that case she really should know better than to come up with this crazy idea.

Original poster
SchrodingersMew · 14/09/2011 11:50

I think DP is telling her today that it's not going to happen. I doubt she will be happy but I don't care.

I've started thinking about everything that could go wrong now on top of just not wanting to let him go.

OP posts:
Morloth · 14/09/2011 11:51

You need to toughen the hell up.

Stop worrying about what everyone else wants and thinks and just do what is best for your baby.

For the record that includes being close to his mother for a long time and not being anywhere near any 'boisterous' snarling dogs.

Make a stand now or get used to do what you are told.

MrsHuxtable · 14/09/2011 11:54

When is this wedding your baby is meant to be a part of? Wouldn't be surprised if it was 2 weeks after the birth...Hmm

Original poster
SchrodingersMew · 14/09/2011 11:55

Morloth I'm going to take a stand. I've been ill through the whole pg and I think this has worn me down.

Thinking about it though, this is all the more reason I wont want him anywhere but with me.

We're going to tell her today and also bring up about the dog too.

OP posts:
Jamillalliamilli · 14/09/2011 11:56

Arghhhh! Silly well meaning bat at best. It isn't a toy!

Tell her with a big grin, thanks for the offer but no chance! You'll have to get in the queue for when I'm prepared to let anyone else have a go! How do you fancy some cooking and cleaning if you'd like to support us?

If all else fails walk round cooing "mine, all mine" loudly, till they get it. You're allowed to be totally dippy post birth. :-)

Seriously I don't know if it's just hormones, but you sound like a bit of assertiveness may be needed all round.

SurprisEs · 14/09/2011 11:56

It seems as though you are becoming VERY anxious. Go have a relaxing bath, watch something on T.V. I dunno. But you need to relax, you'll be fine :) your baby will be fine too.

Think about all the things that could go amazingly well!

Original poster
SchrodingersMew · 14/09/2011 11:56

MrsHuxtable It's in June, they already picked out what he was going to wear months ago.

I didn't really want him to go as tbh, I thought it would be nice if me and DP had the day as we're staying at a hotel that night.

His whole family really wanted him to be there though and for this I really couldn't say no.

OP posts:
Original poster
SchrodingersMew · 14/09/2011 11:58

SuprisEs I think I will take your advice and go for a nap. :) I've been up since 2am with cramps and it isn't making my mood any better.

OP posts:
KristinaM · 14/09/2011 12:00

If you are a total wuss ( like me) , tell her you asked the midwife or doctor and they said no

MrsHuxtable · 14/09/2011 12:01

June, that's not so bad then...
I seriously think you or better your DP since it's his family, have to set some boundaries now or this is just going to get worse once your baby is here. I know it's harder with in-laws as you don't want to offend them...

DogsBestFriend · 14/09/2011 12:04

"They have seen it growling at me and they normally give him into trouble or a tap on the nose for it... "

In a nutshell, the owner's the problem and has no control or boundaries, reading on.

Not much you can do about it - most of us sensible owners could turn this dog into a lovely one with reward training and not "giving trouble" or taps on noses, but unless you can train the OWNER here there's really nowt you can do.

A growling dog frequently doesn't equate to an aggressive one, a fence guarding dog reacting to next doors yelling, running (possibly irritating/tormenting/interaacting inappropriately) kids does not mean that the dog is a threat to one in his own garden but of course ALL young children and babies should be supervised with dogs.

A simple choice will have to be to request that the owner visits you and babe and not vice versa if you are not confident of his abilities to control and train his dog and that you put your foot down and refuse to visit them at all.

Dog attacks are rare, and there is no need for panic BUT there's no need to stress yourself silly by making yourself visit the owner if you aren't convinced that the owner is in complete control.

I can see the likely reasons for this dog's behaviour and could probably tell the owner how to deal with it but unless he came online it would all be a bit useless, best to keep away given you can do nowt else.

LadyMontdore · 14/09/2011 12:04

RE the dog, I think you will have to be quite assertive about this - ie you won't be coming over unless dog is not in same room as the baby. And you will personally need to be with your baby all the time as you can't rely on GPs to do it. My ILs have a sweet, gentle puppy but I never leave DDs (3 and 1) with it as even an accidental tooth making contact with childs face could happen.

Original poster
SchrodingersMew · 14/09/2011 12:05

We are definitely having the talk today as I think my family think they are so excited when I go into labour they'll be waiting at the hospital while I am giving birth to see him.

I really only want to see my DGM the day he is born.

OP posts:
Bartimaeus · 14/09/2011 12:06

YANBU but I think you've learnt that! Grin

Have a lie down and a rest. Im 37 weeks and it's amazing how little things get built up into stresses and you question your own natural instincts! Especially when you're worn down after nearly 9 months pregnancy Smile

My very lovely MIL wants to help in any way possible, although DH has never clarified exactly what she means (i.e. help around the house or take the baby?). He said that maybe in the first month she could take the baby out for a walk and leave me to sleep. My first reaction - NO WAY! I then had to backpeddle and explain to him nicely that as we live in a high floor flat without a lift, I wouldn't be confident with her walking up and down the stairs carrying a newborn (she's in her 70s) to go for said walk and I'd be very anxious the whole time, which is not the point of the exercise!

So, I understand where you're coming from and it's totally normal. Your baby has been with you 24/7 for 9 months, why should this change straight after birth? He needs you and you will need him.

Original poster
SchrodingersMew · 14/09/2011 12:08

DogsBestFriend The problem is he has tried to bite me on a few occasions and just missed and has bitten his owners and my DP a fair few times.

I don't think he really has learned that biting is bad and has done it for as little as someone moving while he is leaning on them.

The dog went to obedience classes and passed but then when it got back to normal at home everything was un learned. :(

OP posts:
Bartimaeus · 14/09/2011 12:09

And if you're anything like me, I love this baby to bits even though I haven't met him yet. I want to have as many cuddles as I want! DH and I were saying the other day how nice it'll be to have our own baby to hold as long as we want, as with friends' babies you have to give them back! Grin

Original poster
SchrodingersMew · 14/09/2011 12:10

Bart I think we are on the same baby bus thread! Think we are actually 'due' the same week. I'm due 09/10/11. :)

I'm glad you stood up for yourself! God I need to learn to!

OP posts:
Bartimaeus · 14/09/2011 12:13

Well, I stood up to DH...dunno yet how I'll say anything to his mum as she is so lovely and I don't want to hurt her, BUT I don't want her around too much either.

And as DH hasn't yet sussed out exactly when she means to come over it's a bit tricky!

Original poster
SchrodingersMew · 14/09/2011 12:15

I basically have the same problem and know I will be in the same position with MIL. She is so lovely and has been brilliant to me so I wont want to hurt her but I know that it will come up as they are all already planning when they can babysit...

OP posts:
DogsBestFriend · 14/09/2011 12:17

Owner's a dickhead! Angry

I disagree with LadyMontdore insofar as I think it's exceptionally rude to ask/tell/expect anyone to put their dog in another room or outside - I'd tell the human they weren't welcome here personally, this owner may do too. More to the point, it's known to be a backward step in training a dog. You want the dog to be able to behave normally with visitors, not to be so worried/excited/anxious/put out about it by being removed from them that when he does mix with guests he goes doo-lally. But, as I said, nothing you can do lovey, he's not your dog so you have no control over what goes on in his home.

One thing you DO have control over is YOUR home (and YOUR son of course, don't get me started on SIL wanting baby in the first week, suffice to say she needs a VERY firm no before she makes a habit of such demands!).

You do not have to have this or any dog in your home. I'd never expect to take any of mine to another person's home unless they were specifically invited in advance. The owner can be invited but you make it clear that this is YOUR home, the invitation is on YOUR terms and that means that the dog stays at HIS home!

:)

Bartimaeus · 14/09/2011 12:20

I know the feeling! Our families are lovely and all very excited. We keep getting inundated with presents (can't even begin to count the number of knitted jumpers fro 0-3 months that we have!).

It's very ungrateful of me, but I have actually had to put my foot down and say that there are certain things I want to buy for my baby - things I'd been cooing over before getting pregnant (like teeny weeny socks and little dungarees). So I told people not to buy socks for example. Sounds strange, but otherwise we wouldn't have to buy anything except the boring stuff (cot, changing table, pushchair) and I wanted to buy some fun little outfits!

Original poster
SchrodingersMew · 14/09/2011 12:23

Thanks DogsBestFriend, I know for a fact the dog would never be in my home as I have 3 cats. :o Very timid loving things that would crap it if they seen a dog up close.

I wouldn't ask for the dog to be put in another room as I would never move my cats on demand. It's their home.

Anyways, the dog only gets in the living room, the kitchen and the back garden already. There's no where else he could go.

It's a shame because he is a nice friendly dog most of the time, he just has a scarily bad temper and because he's not a small dog it can be quite scary.

I have had it mentioned to me before it's partly because of his 'breed' and that the 2 breeds that are mixed are not a good match for personality.

OP posts:
Original poster
SchrodingersMew · 14/09/2011 12:26

Bart Yet again, same problem!

I'm very grateful for all the presents but feel I haven't been able to buy anything I like. :( And we have so much I don't want to buy more as I feel it would be wasting money. There's already no way he will wear all the clothes he has and we have them up to a year!

Do we have the same inlaws?!

OP posts:
Bartimaeus · 14/09/2011 12:33

Lol
I doubt it, I'm in France Grin

I can't complain really though. My biggest problem is MIL knitting hand-wash only jumpers for a newborn Confused

In the scheme of things (and when I read MN) I realise I'm actually very lucky!