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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking SIL wanting to take (unborn) DS for a day the week he is born isn't normal?

322 replies

SchrodingersMew · 14/09/2011 10:32

I'm to be induced the same week my SIL has a week off and she wants to take him for a day that week because she will be off work.

She seems totally adamant and my DP doesn't see a problem with it and thinks it will give me time to relax but I know I just wont want to let go of him so soon.

I had agreed she could take him for a day before I realised she was talking about the week he was going to be born.

I realise she's probably just trying to help and she loves kids but this doesn't seem what would normally happen. God, I have friends who refused to even really see anyone for weeks.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
SchrodingersMew · 16/09/2011 00:03

Jelly I haven't spoken to her but DP hinted off today. We never actually met up with them today and are going to wait until we meet them until we properly explain how we feel.

However we have said to ILS that I will be BF and will need time to get it established. :)

Minus What was your SIL like?

LadyMontdore What a wonderful way to think about it! And I am already planning on feeding on demand. :) Thinking about it, even if I had expressed I am not sure this is something someone would keep up with if I wasn't there and I wouldn't risk that.

Wildhairrunning I will start freezing in Jan and we're not booking until well after he is born so I know how I feel about it. :)

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 16/09/2011 06:15

Why are you going to explain how you feel?
For her to pooh pooh it, and be adamant again?
Why in the name of the seven snotty orphans of Ringsend are you making silly excuses about breastfeeding?

Tell her she will have your baby over your dead body and let her put that in her pipe and smoke it.

Sleepglorioussleep · 16/09/2011 06:30

I think people without children, myself included before dc, don't understand the strength of attachment and how it can make you feel to be separated from your newborn. I still have to be in control of who has dd (11 weeks) although I'm happy to hand her over for cuddles, winding etc I get twitchy if I can't have her back especially if she starts fussing or crying. My sister told me she was taking ds for a walk whenhe was tiny and the surge of emotion that made rise in me was astonishing! Luckily I held it in and managed to explain how it just wasn't going to happen. She no doubt thought I was being Precious and controlling but i had to do it. Biology is a funny thing. Perhaps say nothing now and tackle it when the offer comes post birth. Yanbu

ExpensivePants · 16/09/2011 07:17

I'm sure this is where we came in but "no, that doesn't work for me. Perhaps when he's older" is all you need to say.

Iggly · 16/09/2011 07:24

I agree with math. what happens if BF doesn't work out. Does that mean that she can take your baby?!

Moominsarescary · 16/09/2011 08:21

After the baby is born you will have no problem telling her no, just wait and see

snoozin · 16/09/2011 09:14

OP - Forgive me if this has already been brought to your attention, but if you plan on exclusive BFing and wish to express, HVs don't recommend bottle feeding (expressed milk or otherwise) until BFing is 'established' which is about after 4-6 weeks. This has something to do with baby getting too use to the bottle as the sucking motion is different.

Best of luck on the birth -- it's a wonderful and special time : )

SuePurblybilt · 16/09/2011 09:59

Blimey.
Firstly, I am worried that someone who works with very young children considers this a good idea. The not-very-charitable part of me has a nagging thought that she wants the baby for a day so that she can show off her expertise: has she read lots of Supernanny-type books or become a fan of SWMNBN recently? I could see someone like that trying to establish some sort of bonkers routine in a day so that she can be the expert.

Anyway, you're not going to let her, so that's fine. I would say that finding a nurse/midwife or someone in the hospital who is aware of your MH referral and explaining how you feel about all this might be a plan. Tell them how you have been feeling about them 'taking over' and that you're worried you aren't strong enough to stand up for yourself. I had one nurse who made very pointed remarks (on my behalf, sort of!) to visitors and those random physio people to chivvy them out - perhaps you can find a nice HCP to unofficially advocate for you?

I do think that when you have the baby, you'll find an extra set of teeth you never knew you had Smile. But if you're already worried about PND, it would be no harm to tell all this to the hospital in advance.

Good luck.

Oblomov · 16/09/2011 10:22

Someone wrote 'sil is a loon'. Agree.
I have 3 FABULOUS Sil's. They looked after ds2, because he did not sleep at night at all, for the first 2 months, and I almost couldn't cope.
But, first WEEK ? Don't talk nonsense.

Wigeon · 16/09/2011 10:57

Yet another voice saying YANBU! (Are you struck by quite how unanimous everyone is on this thread - usually there might at least be a handful of people saying YABU).

Could you say something like "it's fantastic you'd like to help out, I really appreciate it, what I think I'll really need in the first week is [someone to bring round dinner / someone to do the hoovering / someone to do the weekly shop / someone to bring me cake], because of course the only thing I will be able to do is concentrate on BF the baby, so I won't need help with him/her. Thank you so much".

So you are re-directing her offer of help to something a bit more tolerable, and a bit more helpful. There are loads of potentially helpful things she could do, and taking the baby away isn't one of them!

kat2504 · 16/09/2011 10:59

I bet the SIL is not in the slightest bit interested in actually helping the OP with any of those mundane tasks and just wants to play with the lovely cute baby. Forgetting that taking care of a newborn is surely much harder than having a bit of a coo and a cuddle!
I will eat my words if the SIL is so keen to help the OP that she turns up to do cooking and cleaning.

Divinyl · 16/09/2011 11:02

Saw this last night and have been thinking about it with some disturbance ever since! It would be very distressing for your baby and 100 times more so for you for this to happen in the first few weeks, however sore and sleep deprived you may be.

Aside from anything else, if your area is reasonably well resourced for post natal care, you will be having a number of necessary visits in those weeks - health visitors, heel prick tests, checks on your health. They'll tell you roughly which days they will come, but not what time as it all depends, so you will find yourself needing to stay home for 99 percent of the time. And they'll kind of expect to be able to see and check on the babe, won't they?!!

What you might want to do is talk this through with your midwife, who I am sure will veto the idea, and then offer to take your SIL to another appointment with her, so that you can then bring up the subject and let the midwife back you up with matronly firmess on the no front.

I was also wryly amused about your DP: "And yes, I am planning to try and BF but DP just suggested expressing ...."
Oh, right, so that's all there is to it? You can just pump a few fluid oz into a bottle when you get a minute before bed, and then get on with the dinner and cleaning the bathroom while humming La Traviata?!!! Sorry, I don't wish to be too facetious but even when it works brilliantly, breastfeeding in the early days is pretty hard for all involved, including your DP. Personally I think it takes about 5-6 weeks even for the baby to get its brand new digestive system sorted out to any degree. Enjoy the Infacol period and the Infacol face! Especially in the first days, you are unlikely to be able to express anywhere near enough on top of providing feeds directly as well, and both expressing and feeds take more time than you think.

That said, good luck and make a point of acknowledging to yourself when you have had a good feed, as even if you think it is all going badly, you will notice that there are good bits and progress, and this really helps. But don't get forced into doing anything you are uncomfortable with in terms of handing over your precious baby - you may also be surprised at the 'lioness streak' that motherhood will bless you with as well!

SuePurblybilt · 16/09/2011 11:10

This is Mean Me posting again but I don't think the SIL wants to be helpful. I think she wants to be seen to be good with the baby (possibly better than the OP in her imaginings) and show off playing at newborns. Cue many, many pics on FB and walks around the park.

I don't think that the hoovering will be an acceptable alternative for her.

Minus273 · 16/09/2011 12:16

My SIL was very over-bearing schroedinger. I gave in at first for a quiet life so she demanded more and more that's why you have to be strong from the start.

PM your meds if you like and I'll look out info for you.

sprinkles77 · 16/09/2011 13:05

she wants the baby for a day so that she can show off her expertise: has she read lots of Supernanny-type books or become a fan of SWMNBN recently? I could see someone like that trying to establish some sort of bonkers routine in a day so that she can be the expert.

well said. Sounds like she want to show off her skills, and get some kudos, and maybe be centre of attention for a while, seeing as you've been hogging it while pg Hmm. No No NO!

mathanxiety · 16/09/2011 15:12

'I am planning to try and BF but DP just suggested expressing...'

Do you know, I am beginning to get the impression that your DP and his family are thinking of you as livestock. Set you up with a milking machine and take your baby to show off and play with once you have incubated it?

I think Sprinkles is right, that this woman is insanely jealous of the attention you have been getting. Emphasis on the 'insanely'.

ddubsgirl · 16/09/2011 15:16

i could never express,it just wouldnt come out :( tried & tried so oh just express some off may not be as easy as your DP thinks!

thefirstMrsDeVere · 16/09/2011 15:17

I have had five kids (bf four) and have always found expressing a struggle even though I have not had any problems with bf or milk flow etc.

I HATE expressing.

bluebeach · 16/09/2011 15:19

My dd is 6 months and I wouldn't let SIL have her for whole day even now!!
Maybe an hour or two between feeds.
But Newborn, Oh my word don't even consider it. Get her a tiny tears.

YANBU

bluebeach · 16/09/2011 15:20

I am a bit precious Smile

shazney67 · 16/09/2011 15:21

NO definately NO. No woman with a sensitivity chip would ever even suggest such a thing and you have every right to say get lost. Creepy to say the least. I would understand it if she wanted to come over and help around the house to let you rest but to take your new born baby away for a whole day that is just completely not normal. Book her an appointment with a shrink and send her packing.

Divinyl · 16/09/2011 15:26

To quote myself, a few hours ago, "you may also be surprised at the 'lioness streak' that motherhood will bless you with..." --- so you'll need to become SchrodingersRoar rather than SchrodigersMew (smiley face!)

StarlightMcKenzie · 16/09/2011 16:20

'My SIL has already fitted a car seat in her car!'

Shock Run for the hills

Or better still - Run from the ILS and don't let her use that carseat until she has driven you on that very special journey HOME,

thefirstMrsDeVere · 16/09/2011 17:34

I want a baby now

Wigeon · 16/09/2011 20:54

Agree that she is unlikely to say "oh yes, let me do your hoovering instead of looking after your 3 day old baby", but at least it's harder for her to say "actually I don't want to help you in a helpful way, or do anything you actually want, I just want to nick your baby and show how great I am with babies" if you ask her to do something genuinely helpful like household chores.