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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking SIL wanting to take (unborn) DS for a day the week he is born isn't normal?

322 replies

SchrodingersMew · 14/09/2011 10:32

I'm to be induced the same week my SIL has a week off and she wants to take him for a day that week because she will be off work.

She seems totally adamant and my DP doesn't see a problem with it and thinks it will give me time to relax but I know I just wont want to let go of him so soon.

I had agreed she could take him for a day before I realised she was talking about the week he was going to be born.

I realise she's probably just trying to help and she loves kids but this doesn't seem what would normally happen. God, I have friends who refused to even really see anyone for weeks.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Finallygotaroundtoit · 14/09/2011 14:00

< And with the hospital... You're only allowed 2 birthing partners but people can wait in the hallway! >

My pet hate!
I spent alot of time in and out of hosp with complications with DTs- was kept on Delivery a few times for observation.

Hated. Hated. Hated walking past visitors waiting outside rooms! They would gawp as I waddled past to the loo. Horrible.

I even saw someone with an ear up to door where it sounded like someone was giving birth Shock

Anyway, SIL is strange misguided. Baby stays with you. End of.

mumofbumblebea · 14/09/2011 14:18

only read the first page of this thread so probably going to repeat what others have said. how strange of your SIL to expect to do that? i chose to formula feed my daughter (sorry ladies, tried breastfeeding but it wasn't for me!) and even if thats what you choose to do it will be massively complicated for her to have him for the whole day due to sterilizing, cleaning the bottles with a bottle brush, make up feeds etc. and if you do choose to breast feed it isn't an option. is she just daft!

how about as she has the week off work you suggest she comes and watches the baby at night so u can sleep and just to wake you up when he's hungry. after she has tried to manage that you won't see her again for ages!

flooziesusie · 14/09/2011 14:23

schrodingersMew

This thread has made me feel so nervous for you...

Tell you what; SOD offending anyone, dog or human. Your baby = YOUR RULES. The end.

Plus, you wont really offend if you remain polite and firm Grin

Good luck with everything, you sound like a wonderful woman.

WhoWhoWhoWho · 14/09/2011 14:39

If you are being given an induction date, dare I say you LIE and tell them a date say, oh, four days afterwards perhaps? Wink Yes yes I know lying is bad but desperate times call for desperate measures.

Stay in hospital until you are thrown out too as they have 'visiting hours', something most relatives don't adhere to once you are at home. When you are at home invite people just before lunch/ tea and ask them if they'd mind picking up some fish and chips on the way. When you are fed up of visitors then it's nap time. For you AND the baby.

Do things on your terms, you and your DP are creating your own family unit now and the final word on all decisions is with the two of you not the moody SIL.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 14/09/2011 14:58

"It should be about what is best for the baby. If she loves kids then she will want to do what is best for him, not what she wants. It won't be best for the baby to be separated from its parents. It would upset and confuse him."

Someone said that earlier and I think you should say that to her. - "I know you want to spend time with the baby and that's lovely, but it's about what is best for the baby and that is to be with his/her mum all the time in those first weeks/months."

Cheria my dog is boisterous but very gentle with DD. As long as he is under strict supervision especially while he gets used to the baby it should work out fine. Dogs really don't go out with the intention of harming kids.

Not sure I would be reassured by that! Doesn't matter if the dog intends harm or not but if it is capable and is likely to harm. From what the OP has said the dog does sound capable and likely to me. A dog that's bitten people/ and growls at them and that hasn't been disciplined properly should not be around babies and children.

OP from what you have said I would not let that dog near by baby, and what's the point in staying if you will have to lock yourself in a room while they are at work. Just don't do it. Use your instincts. It's 8 miles, that's not far so no real reason to stay.

Be strong and do what you feel is right, don't let yourself be bullied into anything.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 14/09/2011 16:19

Adamant is she? Ha! She does realise this your baby right, not hers? She can be as adamant as she wants but ime if mum doesn't want to hand baby over you'll beed a corbar to prise her off her baby. I once wrestled DD from someone's arms when she was 2 weeks oldcoz I had to stop her crying myself!

BertieBotts · 14/09/2011 17:06

You can tell the hospital not to let visitors in as well, and they are usually happy to head off potential arguments again by saying it's hospital policy (which technically it is - hospital policy to comply with the wishes of patients regarding who visits them!)

RogerMelly · 14/09/2011 17:09

you can't express in the first week for a whole days feed anyway for heavens sake

tell her no

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 14/09/2011 17:14

And even if you can express ( I know you said you have milk saved already) there is no need to tell her that.

RogerMelly · 14/09/2011 17:16

In the first week you need to have your baby their to feed it though in order to stimulate production otherwise it wwill really hamper you attempts to breastfeed long term

SouthernFriedTofu · 14/09/2011 17:21

no no no no no nip it in the bud now.

Lulumama · 14/09/2011 17:33

if this is your first and you are being induced there is every chance you could be waiting 24 - 48 hours for IOL to work and to actually deliver. and you might well be in for another 24 hours at least post birth, so by the time you get home, you are unlikely to want to hand over your baby, with bf no established fully and in the case of a c section or instrumental delivery, you might be in longer

this is one time in your life where your needs and desires as the mother trump everything else

when he/she is 6 - 8 weeks old, then yeah, sure, a few hours without him MIGHT be an idea, but you might not want to then

don't let her dictate, her needs are not more important than yours and your baby needs to be next to you , skin to skin and in your arms and close to your smell.sound/ voice for the first weeks

Lulumama · 14/09/2011 17:34

it has been said, but must reiterate that a newborn is far far more efficient at removing milk from the breast than a pump and you need your baby to feed from you, rather than experssing, which is hardly restful for oyu anyway

SouthernFriedTofu · 14/09/2011 17:34

I'm amazed people even do shit like this tbh. Not having kids is no excuse, I had dd last year and knew not to hassle my friends just after they had babies before that.

Maybe if SIL had been very young (like 14, 15 16) I could understand her excitment at "babysitting" but not a grown up for fucks sake.

HeadfirstForHalos · 14/09/2011 17:37

I would give her a firm NO and if she took no notice I would tell her to fuck off tbh.

ledkr · 14/09/2011 17:41

Blimey,as a nursery nurse she should know this is unreasonable,how ridiculous. I woiuldnt even treat this as a possibility,just say no and thats that. Where is she going to take him? It would be interesting to see how long she lasted,i remember my sis making all sorts of offers of help,she had her one night and we didnt see her for days Grin
My friend also had my dd 7months today and was planning on "a nice cuddle on the sofa" She did 3 poohs,crawled all over her house and took ages to go for a nap Grin friend has 3 of her own but its easy to forget how much work a baby actually is.

ItsTimeToBurnThisDiscoDown · 14/09/2011 17:44

When ds was born we didn't tell anyone I was in labour (couldn't face the "any news?!" texts/phonecalls) and we didn't have any visitors when I was in hospital (boobs out all the time, really really tired, wanted him to ourselves!). I really couldn't have had him out of my sight in the first week so I'm glad you're going to say no, and even now he's 6 weeks old I don't think I'd want to leave him for an evening, let alone a whole day! Stick to your guns!

fedupofnamechanging · 14/09/2011 17:50

My Il's had an alsatian which was aggressive. My IL's said they would shut her in the kitchen, but I always worried that they wouldn't close the door properly, so I wouldn't take him to their house. I don't think you can take chances with an aggressive dog. It only takes a person to be careless once and you have a disaster. I didn't want to upset or offend them but my baby needed me to look out for his best interests, so upsetting them was of secondary importance.

Agree that you shouldn't tell them when you go into labour, but wait until it is all over. Remember though that some hospitals have an all day visiting policy on the ward, so you might want to check that out.

pranma · 14/09/2011 18:05

Ask her to spend a day with you that week so she can help you but yanbu at all not to be away from your newborn at all for the first couple of weeks.She sounds a bit loopy to me.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 14/09/2011 18:47

YADNBU not to want to hand your baby over to your SIL for a whole day, SchrodingersMew - If she wants to help, she can come over and do some cooking or cleaning for you, or cuddle the baby whilst you have a bath or shower.

Regarding the wedding - dh and I took ds1 to a wedding when he was about 10 months old (so similar age to what your baby will be next June), and it was actually fine. It was a very relaxed wedding, though, so we never felt stressed about his behaviour at the ceremony or the reception. I can imagine it would have been much more stressful if it had been a really full-on, formal wedding, or if ds1 had been being grabbed by the bride and groom for photos every few minutes.

If you want to put her off the wedding idea, you could tell her that by then, your baby will be weaning, and learning to feed himself, and that this will be an extremely messy business, and you'd hate for her wedding dress to get spoiled.

Regarding telling them if you are in labour, the fact that you have a set date to be induced does mean they will know that things are happening/about to start happening, so you might want to think about a way of making sure you and your dh are in control of the flow of information. You could tell them that your dh will phone one designated relative at certain, set intervals, and update them, and that all other relatives wanting info should phone the designated relative, and should NOT bother either you, your dh or the labour ward.

My PIL visited me during my first, very long labour, and it was fine - because they were sensitive to my needs, and I didn't feel imposed upon at all. Same applied to having them, and my dsis visit whilst ds1 and I were in hospital post partum (for a week, as he got neonatal jaundice) - from the sound of them, though, I'm not sure I'd have felt the same if I had your ILs.

You have to do what feels right for you. But if neccessary, perhaps we could create a human wall of mumsnetters, all telling your ILs 'NO!'

DMCWelshCakes · 14/09/2011 19:01

What the actual feck? No.

No no no no no no no no no!

But you know that or you wouldn't have posted. Congratulations on having a DP who's willing to support you on this. The three of you are the primary family now so everyone else will have to take a back seat.

(Particularly if they're certifiable loons or deluded dog owners.)

Hope the conversation went well. And even if it didn't, stick to your guns.

Blu · 14/09/2011 19:08

People do ike to treat a new baby as a toy for everyone's entertainment, don't they?

Very pleased to hear this has been sorted out. Everything BlueFergie said abiut the bf angle is correct.

Congratulations, and Good luck!

Annpan88 · 14/09/2011 19:13

Only read the first page so don't know if this has been said but expressing in the first few weeks is not a good idea as you have to establish a good conbsistent supply. If you don't want yo explain what a bonkers idea it is for all the other reasons that's what you should say (and nipple confusion)

Frankly I'd say 'no piss off' you don't need to explain.

troisgarcons · 14/09/2011 19:16

She thinks shes helping - I really cant see why everyone is being so nasty and harsh.

8 pages of moral outrage I've skimmed through - I assume (probably wrongly) that she doesnt have children herself and this is your first?

CaptainMartinCrieff · 14/09/2011 19:16

If you don't feel like you can say no now.. I can guarantee you'll be more than capable of saying no when the baby is here. I'd have killed anyone who even so much as attempted to leave the room with my baby. I couldn't help it, possessiveness doesn't even begin to describe it, the baby was mine, no one else's, mine.

Your SIL is being ridiculous and quite honestly if she is a nursery nurse she should know better. Incidentally the midwife (for me anyway) visited everyday of the first five days to check me and the baby (unannounced... no appointment of anything), she'd have been very shocked if I'd have said 'Aaahhh yes the baby is spending the day with my SIL'.

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