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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking SIL wanting to take (unborn) DS for a day the week he is born isn't normal?

322 replies

SchrodingersMew · 14/09/2011 10:32

I'm to be induced the same week my SIL has a week off and she wants to take him for a day that week because she will be off work.

She seems totally adamant and my DP doesn't see a problem with it and thinks it will give me time to relax but I know I just wont want to let go of him so soon.

I had agreed she could take him for a day before I realised she was talking about the week he was going to be born.

I realise she's probably just trying to help and she loves kids but this doesn't seem what would normally happen. God, I have friends who refused to even really see anyone for weeks.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ledkr · 15/09/2011 09:15

What is it with people wanting to "take" a baby away,why cant they visit with the whole family? I have had this with 2 mils-didnt allow it btw,and a sil who wanted to take my new born to the seaside WITH NO CARSEAT. I am a gma and was delighted with my new gs but had no urge to remove him from his mothers arms.

Interestingly,my dd is now 7 months and not the best sleeper,id love someone to offer to have her for a bit but nobody wants to now she's not pink and new.

ben5 · 15/09/2011 09:24

blimey how odd. I wouldn't want anyone to have my ds's in the first week but then ds1 spent 1st week of his life in hospital and ds spent most of his first 6 months in hospital.
Let her help around the house or maybe take child out for an hour but a whole day NO WAY
Good luck. when are you due

Original poster
SchrodingersMew · 15/09/2011 09:33

Ledkr My SIL has already fitted a car seat in her car!

Ben I think I will just invite her round. I hope your DCs were okay. :(

I'm being induced on Sept 26th but possibly anytime from next Wednesday if cervix is favourable. I'm also having a sweep on Weds. :)

OP posts:
kat2504 · 15/09/2011 09:35

your SIL has some sort of weird baby envy, buying a car seat as if it was her own baby. I presume she is single and therefore that is why she is not having one of her own at the moment?

Ooh next wednesday! That is soon! How exciting for you :)

Original poster
SchrodingersMew · 15/09/2011 09:38

Kat She's not single! Remember we're going to her wedding in June and she's already decided what outfit my DS is to wear!

Maybe she does have baby envy but I doubt it. She keeps saying about how she loves kids but other peoples kids because you can "hand them back" Hmm.

And yep, Wednesday. God, it is soon isn't it! Shock

OP posts:
Original poster
SchrodingersMew · 15/09/2011 09:39

And she bought the car seat for us... Even though we already have one and don't have a car.

We now have 3 bloody car seats and neither me or DP drives!

OP posts:
kat2504 · 15/09/2011 09:41

Ah yes I forgot that! I'll go with my original assumption that she thinks they are toys! Get her a Baby Annabel out of the Argos catalogue.

Look forward to hearing about your new baby! He will be totally scrumptious I am sure. Can't believe I still have 30 more weeks to go...

ddubsgirl · 15/09/2011 09:44

has she brought the outfit?

Original poster
SchrodingersMew · 15/09/2011 09:48

Ddubs She's buying it just after Xmas.

Kat Thank you. :) I can't wait to get all shnuggled up with the little fella who has been kicking me constantly!

Oh gawd, 30 more weeks to go. It will pass quicker than you know though and just thank God you wont be heavily pg in Summer! Pfft! It's horrid.

OP posts:
shocked2 · 15/09/2011 09:50

Hi SchrodingersMew - the fact that she has a carseat in her car would make my blood boil - I think you are very patient and tolerant. The baby is still inside you and she is planning what he is going to wear next year???? The thing about extended family is that children are related to everyone on both sides and that's great, but when a baby is tiny / or still inside his/her mother's belly, family members should be careful not to trample all over the parents just because they have a blood link (of course there shouldn't be any trampling later either). Then as children grow it's great to see them playing with their cousins, relating to grandparents etc etc... but there is a time for that, and it's NOT as soon as they are born. Yes everyone wants to have a hold of the newborn baby but making tea, hanging up washing and stuff like that is a very loving way of being involved. I found it helpful that my mil used to hold the babies when they were not hungry but grizzly (she has a knack with tiny babies) but she was very into me feeding whenever necessary and never did that thing "surely not hungry again!" that my own family did.
My in-laws and own family came over en masse for a day when my children were tiny and this I found quite stressful as they were all having photos taken with the new baby for example, but nobody (apart from my Mum) seemed to want photos of the baby with dh and I etc... etc... but then they went away and it was ok (mil stayed with us for about a week / 10 days each time and got very offended with ds1 when after 10 days she asked if I still needed help and I said I was fine but that's another story).
I wish you all the best with your induction and new baby Smile.
Also, be sure to suggest all the same things to your sil when she is almost due with HER first and see how she likes it!

Moominsarescary · 15/09/2011 09:53

I wish someone would give me a car seat, I've got to buy another one as ds3 will only be 10 months at the most when ds4 is born

However I wouldn't let anyone have them in the beginning, my sil occasional has him now for a few hours when I have hospital appointments but even at 6 months old I hate leaving him

ddubsgirl · 15/09/2011 09:56

oh dear,she does know that buying it so early it may not fit by the time of the wedding?
she really has a screw lose!

KouklaMoo · 15/09/2011 10:00

Schrodinger - It's made me think of the time when my FIL came over when my baby was 5 days old - I wasn't really feeling up to seeing anyone, so DH told me to go upstairs for a nap, and he would take dd down to see his Dad. He said he'd bring her back up to me when she needed feeding next.

So I had a lovely nap for about an hour, and then dozed a bit more, then my boobs started feeling engorged, and I thought she must be needing a feed by now. DH was only downstairs for goodness sake, but I was getting frantic for my baby back! I just lay in bed and cried - I was just thinking I'm going to have to haul myself out of bed, go downstairs and get her, and this was very upsetting for me - I really didn't want my FIL seeing me in that state - hair everywhere, weepy red eyes etc. Silly isn't it! I knew she was perfectly safe, but I just wanted her back. She was my third child too - so no PFBness there.

You will not want to let your baby out of your sight for more than 10 minutes - trust me.

fedupofnamechanging · 15/09/2011 10:01

OP, even in 6 months time or a year or 3 years - if you don't want other people to take your child off for the day without you, then it is your prerogative to say no. This is your child and no one else has any rights to time alone with them if you don't want it. What they want doesn't matter.

I think it's important for extended family to see and have a relationship with a child - that is usually in the child's best interests, but there is no reason why they have to take a child off you for the day in order to have that relationship.

Of course, you may be fine with this, further down the line, but it has to be when and if you are ready and nothing to do with what they want.

I think your SIL just doesn't get it, because she hasn't experienced this for herself yet. She probably means well, but the sooner she has her own baby the better!

Original poster
SchrodingersMew · 15/09/2011 10:21

Shocked2 I think I am used to her by now and that's why the car seat thing hasn't really bothered me. Plus I realise it will be very helpful if we can get her to occasionally drive us somewhere if we need to get there.

In the first week after I'm home we will have lots of family visitors and I really mean a lot! This doesn't really bother me as I know no one can do the asking to feed him thing if I am BF and I know they will be going home after a short while. :)

Moo We were given two of them and I had one come with my pram that I will be using in my bloody monster of a pram, one fitted in MILs car and one in SILs.... Have you tried Gumtree freebies or Freecycle?

DdubsOh I don't know, she was wanting me to get fitted for my bridesmaid dress while still pg. Hmm

Koukla Your story there nearly made me weep. :( He's not here yet but I can really get how frustrated you must have been. I think because Mines is so big now and I can see and feel everything I must be bonding more. I hope you got your DD back sharpish!

Karma I think I will probably be fine months down the line but don't think I could cope with overnights. However, me and DP are going to Paris for 4 days for my 21st in Feb and my Gran will be taking him and the thought of it is already making me go a bit mad!

OP posts:
ddubsgirl · 15/09/2011 10:26

tbh play it by ear for all you know u could end up with c section,you just dont know and if u do u will be in for longer and when u do get home u will just want to rest,and have cuddles-state to everyone unless they are willing to make cuppas & lunch/dinner then dont come round till you are all more settled and recovered a bit.
tell her you WILL be BF and need to get a routine going they dont recommend expressing until you & bubs are in a routine so NO-ONE will be taking baby anywhere.

KouklaMoo · 15/09/2011 10:31

Yes, Schrodinger sorry for making you feel weepy - those hormones can cause chaos! It was all fine, he brought her back up to me when she was showing signs she was hungry - he couldn't believe it when he found me all tearful! He said he'd kept her downstairs as long as possible 'to give me a break'. Men sometimes have no idea.

Best wishes your new baby :)

Original poster
SchrodingersMew · 15/09/2011 11:03

Ddubsgirl I know I might end up with a secton, she knows this as well as that is what was originally planned.

I think most of my visitors will be helpful. :) Thankfully!

As for BF, I have now told them that I will need time to get a routine started and DP is backing me. :)

Koukla No, it's okay. It's not often I see stories on here that make me cry but yours made me very weepy. Glad he brought her back up soon enough and you were okay. :)

And thank you. :)

OP posts:
LadyMontdore · 15/09/2011 11:20

Good luck schroeder!
I often try to think of what a Mummy monkey would do in any situation (apart from medical!) a monkey mummy would not hand her baby over and monkey relatives wouldn't dare ask! I think it be worth having you dp having a quiet word with your SIL along the lines of really appreciate her interest but she does realise that the baby will be with you all the time for months! But he know's you'll need help with cooking etc. Might be easier to get the potential akwardness done now rather than later.

Just one more point when you are starting bf you will probably have to feed your baby whenever he's hungry for at least a month, pretty often at first! You'll find that a routine kind of develops, much less stressful than trying to impose one. With dd1 I tried to get her to feed when I wanted and clock watched. DD 2 I just fed, much easier! So would perhaps tell ILs that you will be demand feeding and working towards a routine. (also a handy way of not letting them take baby out if you don't want them to) For them a routine probably means feed every 4 hours which won't work with bf.

If you are having lots of visitors I would try to get DH to be a 'gatekeeper' and be strict - if baby is asleep and you want to sleep that's what you should be doing. I really regret not 'babymooning'!

marzipananimal · 15/09/2011 13:43

YANBU! It's a crazy suggestion from your SIL!

Regarding medication and breastfeeding, you could contact the breastfeeding network here for advice. They are very good.

Good luck with everything :)

wildhairrunning · 15/09/2011 14:07

Op if you still plan to bf in feb make sure you get expressing and store it in the freezer in January time! Are you sure about booking four days away though?! Until baby arrives you have no idea if you will be able to leave him or not!

wildhairrunning · 15/09/2011 14:10

Contact the LA Leche league too about meds as in most cases it is better to bf with meds than not - bf will make a big difference to baby and has so many benefits so hopefully you will be fine x

Jelly15 · 15/09/2011 22:35

Have you told your SIL yet? What was her reaction? She sounds like she needs bringing down a peg or two if she thinks she can do what she likes with someone elses baby. Please don't let your ILs spoil those precious baby days for you.

Minus273 · 15/09/2011 22:58

Sounds like my XSIL. Do NOT give in or she will get worse. Coming over to help for a bit is good but away from you for a whole day so soon is not good.

foreverondiet · 15/09/2011 23:05

A bit odd, but if it was me I'd say something like, what a fab offer, but I don't think taking him somewhere for the day will work due to the feeding but it would be totally fab if you came round for the whole day, kept me company, took him for a walk between feds whilst I had a sleep, and cooked dinner for me etc.

Expressing for a day isn't going to work with a new baby.