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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think SAHMs deserve respect and consideration from their families?

312 replies

Cushionface · 13/09/2011 20:46

Do other SAHMs feel taken for granted? I have a very comfortable life and know I am very lucky, but feel that even though I'm on the go nearly all the time, husband and children show very little appreciation for what I do; I don't believe they have any idea how much I do for them, and whilst that's my job, it would be nice to feel valued, which I really don't. DH has a very demanding job and is abroad a lot (always exhausted when home), but makes comments about all the free time I have, and, though an excellent (if over-indulgent father), sometimes criticises my parenting skills, even though he is hardly ever here! I have a demanding elderly mother, two children, 15 and 13, fundamentally good but prone to teenage tantrums and quite spoilt (our fault I accept), two lovely but demanding dogs, and all the usual demands of modern life. I don't need/want/expect sympathy but would love to know how others cope with this feeling. How do you know if you're doing too much/too little? How do you know when it's reasonable to expect more from other family members? How do you get satisfaction from doing a never-ending job, that's neither valued nor respected?

OP posts:
Cocoflower · 14/09/2011 22:20

"there is a virus in the matrix mumsnet

it manifests in certain threads and repeats itself belligerently until it takes over said thread"

Ha ha!

scottishmummy · 14/09/2011 22:24

hardly says lot for discursive abilities of others does it
thread taken over, and a matrix gosh thats hyperbole
i follow with interest now to see what other conspiracy and skulduggery theories abound

BimboNo5 · 14/09/2011 22:50

OP seriously don't you feel embarrased when people ask you what you do? With teenagers its just ridiculous to stay at home darning their socks and pandering to their every whim. And you said your husband has a hard demanding job- how about you help contribute financially and he may not have to work so hard? To show YOUR gratitude to HIM for allowing you to ponce about at home for so many years?

Crosshair · 14/09/2011 22:53

''OP seriously don't you feel embarrased when people ask you what you do?''

I don't its ace and a huge privilege to have the choice but Im currently a SAHM to be. :)

BimboNo5 · 14/09/2011 22:57

It is when you have young kids to physically care for during the day- when they are out all day its a piss take imho.

Crosshair · 14/09/2011 22:59

I would say Im a 'house wife' rather then sahm.

scottishmummy · 14/09/2011 22:59

op you can earn respect by doing something purposeful
and something for yourself that isnt around pampering your teens
your dh is right you have an abundance of time - what do you do
what do you have to show for all that time?

donthateme · 14/09/2011 23:01

Its not a privilege to feel undervalued and unappreciated

Op everything you've posted screams out that you aren't happy and fulfilled and feeling as though what you do is respected.

If you had been in a job 15 years where you felt your boss didn't value you, people would be urging you to rethink and apply for new jobs or maybe change career. This is no different. You have been in this situation for years and you feel unappreciated. Don't sit around waiting for others to magically change the way they see you. Change your life to stop feeling rubbish about it

billysolloxx · 14/09/2011 23:02

i couldn't appreciate my wife more for the sacrifices and hard work she's put in.
Of course i probably don't tell her as much as i should but i know how hard it can be (iv been a stay at home dad in the past so from personal experience i know its not a breeze) but unless a partner experiences it themselves they maybe dont realise just how hard it is.
As a bloke i reckon your husband dosn't knowingly take you for granted but just isnt as vocal about it as maybe he could be, sit down when you have chance and just calmly explain how this issue is affecting you before it turns into resentment.

Cocoflower · 14/09/2011 23:12

Thats a lovely post billy

scottishmummy · 14/09/2011 23:18

given your children are teens,and at school all day.and soon go to uni etc is there any activities,courses you'd now like to pursue?why dont you look into something stimulating for yourself. maybe housewife is never-ending job as you stretch it to fill all the time you have?

ChocolateIsAFoodGroup · 14/09/2011 23:18

Billy my DH would say the same thing!

Actually, I think that SAHMing is easy/hard, difficult/interesting depending on the ages and stages of your DC, your own temperament, and, oh, about a million other things - not the least of which is your DH's involvement in the DC's lives.

As I said earlier, my BF is a SAHM of two school-age DC, which some of you would doubtless think is a piss-take - except for the fact that, during the week at least, her DH is never there when the DC are awake (he's at work... not down the pub....). So, she does all the getting-ready stuff, school drop-off, and is then actively caring for them from 3-8, then doing getting packed lunches, etc. She actually 'works' for 6-7 hours a day. She may not be getting paid for it, but if she weren't doing it, they would have to pay (nanny/aupair) someone else to do it, IYSWIM?

For the OP - come back! We aren't all out to bite you.... I just think that what you posted was a bit hard for some to swallow.... but I think you probably get that by now?

Cocoflower · 14/09/2011 23:24

I love the way some people think a job always trumps SAHM at how hard it is- come off it some jobs are so easy!

Especially the ones that allow you to MN all day while telling SAHMS how crap they are

scottishmummy · 14/09/2011 23:41

not comparable really.sahm isnt a job.and certainly not if kids at school 9-3.thats just a doss

Cocoflower · 14/09/2011 23:43

Plently of jobs from 9-5 that are just a doss though!

kipperandtiger · 14/09/2011 23:43

Didn't think this thread would still be here after last night. This is quite interesting...you know, our OP has shared that she feels unappreciated and some people have picked up on that, and suggested she has a chat with her DH about how she feels. And if she is wanting to do more or feel more fulfilled (she did wonder if she was doing too little), to resume a job outside the home.

But look at how much negativity and sniping ("I envy your life", "You have it easy", "Your teens are at school all day, so what are you doing?") also....looks like we don't need the unappreciative spouses to make us feel down - other mothers and other women will do that quite easily.

FWIW, I knew of a housekeeper who was paid pretty well for doing what the OP was describing - taking care of house, a couple, elderly mother, 2 teenagers, only no dogs. Plus she had up to 2 weeks' holiday a year. And she always got thanked for the ironing. (No, I don't know why the ironing was singled out).

Billy - great post

Chocolate - thanks for the link, will look at it!

scottishmummy · 14/09/2011 23:49

certainly some doss jobs about
but doss job contributes to economy and is economically active paying tax,ni -so might be doss but contributions benefits all. sahm is a private choice not beneficial outwith that individual family

Cocoflower · 14/09/2011 23:51

So we only measure our worth in gold as mothers do we?

scottishmummy · 14/09/2011 23:56

its not like for like.sahm isnt a job
its a personal family decision.based upon individual personal circumstances and preferences.but cant dispute sahm is economically inactive.no tax or ni. so you can opine some jobs are not demanding but they do contribute to services we all use

aldiwhore · 14/09/2011 23:58

I think if everyone had just a little more respect for each other the world would be a happier place.

I'm proud of being a SAHM, but I hate the question 'what do you do' at social gatherings because you do get instantly judged 'unworthy' of conversation (and sorry its mostly women who both ask the question - who cares? - and also are very quick to judge).

I have a friend who'll never work again, her DH works long hours, earns a lot, and she enjoys plumping cushions. Why should I not respect her? She's happy, her DH is happy... I'm certainly not going to disrespect her, she's not costing me anything or impacting my life in any way. She's also a blooming lovely person, and doesn't deserve to be sneered at.

OP yes you deserve respect, but you won't always get understanding. Don't tolerate rudeness, but don't expect to be treated like a queen either, and give respect to others too. Its very unattractive to demand it. If people disrespect you, tell them, then hang up/walk away.

aldiwhore · 14/09/2011 23:59

I pay NI as a SAHM. I don't pay tax as I don't earn anything... or rather, I pay the tax I owe, just like a working person does.

Cocoflower · 14/09/2011 23:59

But if they are being supported privately by their partner then it matters not.

Look at it this way; if someone doesn't have to work then why take jobs they don't need from people who need them to eat and survive?

scottishmummy · 15/09/2011 00:04

uh-huh so housewife is altrusitic.less demands on labour market?

people should chose what they wish,be aware sahm is precarious and dependent upon another person career trajectory and there is a high giving things up factor undertaken by person not working

aldiwhore · 15/09/2011 00:11

Very true scottishmummy but every life choice involves some kind of sacrifice... if DH was earning shitloads, I'd happily knit and do crafty things all day long, sell them and donate proceeds to charity.

Right now though, being a SAHM IS a job, once the kids aren't at home then I guess I would become a lady of leisure, a housewife, a sloth, whatever...

Like I say, I pay voluntary NI. I pay tax on my earnings just like you. I take nothing in the way of benefits (I don't include tax credits as a benefit though I don't claim it) I'm not bothering anyone and I do my job well.

As far as getting back to work its a HUGE obstacle, I'll give you that. If DH suddenly lost his job, we'd survive long enough for me to get work (though DH is self employed) if he suddenly died his life insurance would see us through for a while... in fact if one partner in a 'both working parents' relationship lost their job there'd be a struggle, so no different in many ways.

Cocoflower · 15/09/2011 00:15

While what you say is true, on the other side (and far rarer) are cases like this;

There are people in my family who have done better by being SAHMS money wise than both partners trying to struggle at careers. Infact they are now millionaires if Im quite honest.

There is no black and white to it all individual circumstance really.