to think SAHMs deserve respect and consideration from their families?

[Cushionface]

Do other SAHMs feel taken for granted? I have a very comfortable life and know I am very lucky, but feel that even though I'm on the go nearly all the time, husband and children show very little appreciation for what I do; I don't believe they have any idea how much I do for them, and whilst that's my job, it would be nice to feel valued, which I really don't. DH has a very demanding job and is abroad a lot (always exhausted when home), but makes comments about all the free time I have, and, though an excellent (if over-indulgent father), sometimes criticises my parenting skills, even though he is hardly ever here! I have a demanding elderly mother, two children, 15 and 13, fundamentally good but prone to teenage tantrums and quite spoilt (our fault I accept), two lovely but demanding dogs, and all the usual demands of modern life. I don't need/want/expect sympathy but would love to know how others cope with this feeling. How do you know if you're doing too much/too little? How do you know when it's reasonable to expect more from other family members? How do you get satisfaction from doing a never-ending job, that's neither valued nor respected?

[MrsBaggins]

I am also puzzled by the OP but it seems she wants "Hostile WOHM" to come and challenge her and then she can say "oh you are so hostile "
Therefore my choices are right !
It really does seem that you get your self esteem from others . If WOHM is unhappy or tired it doesnt automatically mean you are "right"
I have been a SAHM ( 2 years mat leave ) parttime and now fulltime worker.
My DC are polite,well rounded people - if I were to be in an accident or have a sudden illness I would have no doubt they would be fine (and so would the Gpigs ,cats,dogs and chickens)
Even though you have been a SAHM your DC are by your own admission unpleasant and spoilt -I think that this is the best advertisement for good parenting -whether you SAH or WOH if you are a good parent your DC will be fine.
I think you are questioning yourself OP and dont like the answers you are getting - harsh but true. Time for you to instigate some boundaries with your DC and look at what will make "you" happy .
I am a FT worker who loves her job and also loves her DC .Im not unhappy,miserable or have any points to make. I have a great life and feel that I have a work/life balance.
Good Luck

[scottishmummy]

indeed look at joan rivers.she glows creosote

[CheerfulYank]

You can't polish a turd....



...but you can varnish it.


:o

[scottishmummy]

yes and you canne polish a turd or make that quote funny

[Someonesnotinbed]

In the immortal words of P. G. Wodehouse:
"It is never difficult to distinguish between a [Scottish person] with a grievance and a ray of sunshine."

[donthateme]

Ps I also think the op has been rather misleading with her thread title which has perhaps contributed to this thread descending into the age old SAHM/WOHM debate.

Perhaps she should have simply asked 'AIBU to exoect respect from my husband and teenage kids?' By generalising and making it into 'are SAHM worthy of respect' she is strongly implying that it's the being home which is the problem. I'm now unsure if it is. It may be that her teens are just ungrateful and spoilt, in' which case even if she managed to land a plum job tomorrow, they'd continue to be ungrateful and spoilt

[donthateme]

I have to admit to being rather puzzled by the op's post on her return to the thread. So,'is there a problem or not?
You seem to have this underlying assumption that you ought to be happy and satisfied with how things are. What you describe does not sound great to me, personally I would want more than the routines you describe, and I would certainly feel unfulfilled if the only options open to me were minimum wage jobs, which by their nature also tend to be mundane and unsatisfying. If on balance you are happy enough with your life, and you are happy with your Husband not wanting you to work, and you find the situation with your teenagers acceptable (and again , this would be a big no no for me. I can deal with the usual teenage occasional strop, but I would hate to feel undervalued and that my role was to service my teens' every whim)- if all' of this is ok for you, then what's the problem??

If however, you aren't happy with the situation, then you need to take steps to change things. At the moment, work-wise, you are trapped every bit as much as a woman stuck working in a low paid menial job. The only difference is that your husband is prepared to fund you so you don't work. But as your earning power is limited to low wages, the point is that there isn't a lot of choice for you. Even if you decided tomorrow that you want to work, you haven't really got many options open to you.

I am not telling you what you should / shouldn't do - just clarifying that you aren't actually in the enviable position you seem to feel you ought to think you are. Lack of CHOICE is the thing that makes people unhappy and unfulfilled- and it seems there's quite a lack of it in your situation.

[Changing2011]

Well, cushion face, now we have al, wasted precious minutes of our
Lives reading your self-indulgent whingeing, perhaps you might take a minute to read/care/advise on my troubles?

Our money worries, the fact that we rent privately and will never afford to buy, the fact that I'm so sad my mum has passed away so will never see the baby I'm carrying, the fact that my DP's job is insecure and I'm pregnant, the fact I have a life limiting illness and worry about my prospects health wise. The fact I can't afford car tax which is due but I need my car for work... My. Mil drives me round the bend. My cat keeps shitting in my utility room. My jeans don't fit me anymore.


Boring isn't it!

[Cushionface]

Kipperandtiger- I would love it to be so but unfortunately it is not! I try to be organized, but wouldn't say I am naturally so. But when you factor in housework, gardening, washing, ironing, dogs, shopping, cooking, admin, dealing with plumbers/electricians/etc, visiting elderly mum who lives 20 miles away, school events, getting dc to choir/drum/cello/viola/piano lessons (they're musical, rather than sporty!), Etc etc omitting anything I might do for myself (eg courses, seeing friends), I don't believe it would be true to say, I sit around doing nothing a great deal. Yes, of course, if I worked I would have to fit this all around working hours, and yes, that's what many women do, but I don't. So shoot me.
I wrote OP after a tough few days, and was feeling v low. That doesn't mean I always feel that way. Generally , DH is very supportive (indeed just convinced me to sign up for OU), but it suits him that I don't work, and a lot of the time, it suits me too. I am nearly 48 and like not being told what to do by anyone else. I like being my own boss. I like being able to go to the loo without having to ask permission (as I did have to in one part-time job I had). Yes, I have worked in the past 15 years but for the £6 an hour or whatever it was I earned, it just wasn't worth the hassle. Now, in what I think everyone would agree, are difficult times, I am not easily going to find a job that's stimulating and fulfilling, and also enables me to look after my dc as I want to. I have no family to help, and don't like depending on friends; last summer hols were nearly 10 weeks long as dc go to private school (dh's wish). Oh no, shoot me down again.
So I do what I do, and sometimes I get down and think DH and DC are horrible, and sometimes I think I am the luckiest woman in the world.

[scottishmummy]

youre both tied up in bead mataphors and analogies about fruit
cant see the wood for the trees for the loose associations about bananas

[kipperandtiger]

[Wink] I agree, night night!

[ChocolateIsAFoodGroup]

Kipper what on earth time do you go to bed?!

(I'm in the US, so time difference and all that..... )

Oh, and I agree with you about the fruits and vegetables bit.... but SM seems to think that until we agree that bananas are The Only Fruit There Is there will be no peace on the planet

[kipperandtiger]

Hey, maybe if your DH is complaining you have a lot of free time, Cushion - it might be because you're more ORGANISED! Or more efficient at doing your jobs quickly.

[kipperandtiger]

Hello everyone, Chocolate - the link was funny, thanks. Cushion, you're back! I think you've got quite a lot of support, if you ignore the SAHM vs WOHM debate, which I think is a bit like debating whether fruit or vegetables are better anyway.

[ChocolateIsAFoodGroup]

cushion how are you? What do you think of how the thread has gone? Kinda meandered, hasn't it?

[jellybeans]

I agree that it is probably going to affect your career chances if you are a SAHP for years on end. But, for me, it is worth the risk. To me, living on one wage, is safer than relying on two. I also have studied and volunteered in addition to being full time mum. Many parents at the school have got school jobs this way. And as we have discussed before on simealr threads, me being AH enables DH to work odd hours.

I have been through some real horrors in life and learned what is most important (for me..everyone is diferent). I am happy SAH and feel it is right for us, very right. But that doesn't mean I think all women should do it.

[scottishmummy]

i have no need to start thread about my spoiled children.or lack of familial respect.or no job.

evidently you do

[jellybeans]

I agree with ChocolateIsAFoodGroup. 'Work' as we know it is as much a social construction and 'work' used to mean everything done to enable a household to function including looking after the home/children.

[Cushionface]

Not a self-opinionated eejit.

[scottishmummy]

given its you with no respect ,spoilt (by own admission) children
what would you call yourself?

[Cushionface]

SM, you really seem to have a lot of time on your hands. Interesting you use the name 'mummy'. Perhaps you should change it to self-opinionated eejit.

[ChocolateIsAFoodGroup]

I think we're just going to have to agree to disagree, SM

I don't think, in the history of MN, that anyone has ever changed anyone's else's mind on this topic, have they?

But it's been interesting discussing this with you!

[scottishmummy]

my notion of work is pretty universally shared
labour in exchange for money
undertaken usually external to home
demands and tasks are to an externally imposed standard. failure to met or adhere to external standards can lead to sanction or loss of revenue.imposition of rules and regulations

none of which housewife is

housewife is an individually agreed act that benefits that immediate family unit

[ChocolateIsAFoodGroup]

aldi I'll put you down for a pre-print copy

[ChocolateIsAFoodGroup]

SM my point is that your notion of WORK is a social construct..... WORK has always meant whatever was necessary to maintain the household (or nomadic group of wanderers, or tribe, or farmstead, or whatever....) It includes everything from domestic tasks to bringing in money to raising children to caring for elderly parents. It's not just going down t' mill or careening off to your N.Y. law office on skyscraper heels (dreaming....)