to think SAHMs deserve respect and consideration from their families?

[Cushionface]

Do other SAHMs feel taken for granted? I have a very comfortable life and know I am very lucky, but feel that even though I'm on the go nearly all the time, husband and children show very little appreciation for what I do; I don't believe they have any idea how much I do for them, and whilst that's my job, it would be nice to feel valued, which I really don't. DH has a very demanding job and is abroad a lot (always exhausted when home), but makes comments about all the free time I have, and, though an excellent (if over-indulgent father), sometimes criticises my parenting skills, even though he is hardly ever here! I have a demanding elderly mother, two children, 15 and 13, fundamentally good but prone to teenage tantrums and quite spoilt (our fault I accept), two lovely but demanding dogs, and all the usual demands of modern life. I don't need/want/expect sympathy but would love to know how others cope with this feeling. How do you know if you're doing too much/too little? How do you know when it's reasonable to expect more from other family members? How do you get satisfaction from doing a never-ending job, that's neither valued nor respected?

[donthateme]

I think kittyfane has got it spot on.

You clearly don't feel valued and respected which is the nub of the issue. Tbh I expect you have slipped into doing way too much for your kids. They aren't babies- they could be doing their own laundry, keeping their own rooms clean and tidy as well as some general helping eg unloading the dishwasher. Probably if you worked, you would naturally have devolved more responsibility to the family, so this wouldn't be such a problem.

Tbh I also agree with the others who say that looking from outside, you do have a pretty easy life, so there's no point expecting shedloads of respect and sympathy from outside. You need to think about how you could alter things at home to stop feeling undervalued and disrespected

[RedHotPokers]

EVERYONE deserves respect and consideration.

Unfortunately it is hard to come by, whether you are a SAHP, or a WOHP.

Do you give your DH respect and consideration? Its not particularly coming across like you do.

[SybilBeddows]

btw, looking at some of the other posts on this thread it seems like some people have read the OP as 'SAHMs deserve particular respect, more than WOHMs or dads', rather than the way I read it, which is more like 'SAHMs are not completely undeserving of respect or consideration'.

[Cushionface]

I was not for one moment suggesting that I deserve more respect or consideration than anyone else, mothers, fathers, working, not-working, etc. etc. I was simply stating my personal situation, with absolutely no judgements made about anyone else's. There seems to be a lot of animosity from those mothers that work. I have the utmost respect for those that go out to work, but not everyone does (for all sorts of reasons), and that doesn't mean that for those of us that don't, life is always perfect Parenting is difficult, and relationships are difficult, and we all need a little support sometimes.

[ChocolateIsAFoodGroup]

I'm a SAHM and I get an enormous amount of respect from my DH (who has been known to say things like 'I'm working so that you can stay at home with the children') However, my DC are 4 and 1 so (though I do get nap time ) I really am on the go from 7:36 (when DH leaves - exactly) till when they are both down (7).

My BF has two DC who are both in school (9 and 5) and they also don't wake her up until 9 o'clock at the weekends! To be fair, I am a little jealous!!

I'm sure I'll think differently when the DC are teenagers - but really, right now I still don't get to poo in peace - I think of blissful hours of having the house to myself as heaven-sent!

(BTW - another one totally not interested in getting into a SAHM/WAHM debate - I also read the post as the OP saying she, as a human being, is deserving of respect - I just think SAHMs of non-school-age kids must, ipso facto, have less free time than SAHMs of school-age kids, no?)

[Cushionface]

Thanks amicissima. I think you understand exactly what I'm talking about. Perhaps if I start with the dogs, everything else will follow! Actually, the dogs are very respectful and appreciative, and never tell me to leave them alone, as teenagers are prone to do!

[KittyFane]

OP and chocolate the SAHM bit it is relevant because as I said before, if you are always available for DH/ DC it is easier for them to take you for granted. Not good but if you compare what you (possibly) do for them compared to what a working mum can fit in you can see how they may have become spoilt (and ungrateful).

[marriedinwhite]

Well, I'm not far from where you are. The DC are nearly 17 and 13 - different schools, husband works abroad a great deal and also has an elderly widowed mother 200 miles or so away; my mother and stepfather are aging fast - don't have dogs but do have 2 cats which I appreciate are less work. It is demanding in many respects, however, I find five hours of domestic help a week does help. The one difference though, is that I also have a full time professional job and still manage to do it all. I returned to work full time when our youngest was five. The only time I was really irritated in the playground was when a SAHM told me at the beginning of December that she was exhausted because of everything she had to do and she didn't know how she was going to manage Christmas .

I am up by 6.30 every morning often up at 5ish if I am very busy at work or behind at home; drop one child at 7.30 for the school bus, come home and put my makeup on and and drop the other child at school for about 8.20. I then park the car at home and walk about a mile and a quarter to work for 9am. I generally leave work at about 5.30 (ish), walk home, cook tea, tidy, do some laundry, sort out children and have a family chat. Often do an hour or so of work (just finished right now) and try to be in bed by 11. Nothing ever feels as though it is done properly. I am also a member of the PCC at my church and a school governor.

I really do think you need to get either a bit more real or a bit more organised. I wouldn't swap places with you because having so much time on my hands would frustrate me but I do think you need to catch a bus to reality from your parallel universe. That's about as rude as I am every likely to be on Mnet.

[SybilBeddows]

that's a good point Kitty.
It may be that the reason my dh appreciates what I do is because I used to go out to work when we had two small dcs so he knows exactly what his life would be like if I wasn't here all day.

[ChocolateIsAFoodGroup]

Kitty - not sure.... .thinking.... I am pretty available, actually (goes with my job description ) DH is just massively good at saying thank you and being fab in general. I think he'd be the same no matter what I was doing (which is why I don't think this is about SAHM/WAHM).

Thinking some more... plus in our circs, he knows that what I do enables him to do what he does, with nary a worry about childcare/dinner-on-the-table, etc.

My lovely friend who works FT thinks I am a great wife, and wants to hire me away from DH....

[Cushionface]

KittyFane - I agree with you, but in trying to be a good mother/wife, I have only done what I thought was the right thing to do. No-one knows how life is going to turn out, and I must say, there are times when my husband and children are great. But there are some days when we ask ourselves, what's it all about, aren't there? I think, as some have posted, people might envy my life (I did say I believed I was lucky), but some people really are very judgemental and hostile; surely they should be pleased to know that no-one has it all.

[SybilBeddows]

hiding the thread now because I can't bear the competitive martyrdom coming from some posters

[Alibabaandthe80nappies]

I think as children get older it is very easy for a SAHP to fall into the role of housekeeper and general dogsbody.

It has definitely happened to my Mum, even though she did go back to work in the end, she never worked full time and so still did the vast majority of the domestic organising/cooking etc, although we always had a cleaner even when she was a SAHM. Now she and my Dad are semi-retired, and she still does everything because he just hasn't got a fecking clue about everything that needs doing. Running a home well and to the satisfaction of all the inhabitants is a skill, and it is one that he has never learnt.
Having said that, he has a huge amount of respect for her personally, rates her opinion alongside his own etc etc.

I'm not making much sense here sorry, v.tired.

[CailinDana]

Could you outline what you find difficult about being SAHM? Perhaps you are bored of the job and feeling demotivated and that's what makes it difficult? When my sister and I were around that age my mother (who worked full time) commented on how little she had to do and what a nice change it was - we did all our own laundry, cooked dinner one night each a week, had various jobs around the house such as cleaning the bathroom etc and basically took care of ourselves on a practical level. Do your children do this?

[KittyFane]

:o @ Sybil !!

OP, remember that teenagers are a pretty unappreciative species too!! :)

[Alibabaandthe80nappies]

married - that is a really horrid post. Hurrah for you for being superwoman, here, have a medal

The OP isn't saying that she wishes she had less to do, simply that her husband and teens appreciate what she does.

[kipperandtiger]

Here you go - I am currently an SAHM but I used to have a demanding job which even men found tough, with long hours and travelling, never mind wives or mothers. I went back to work on sporadic days to keep up my skills for when I eventually plan to go back to work, and I can honestly report that the job is so EASY (even including commuting or travel) compared to being an SAHM - because at work you only have to think of yourself. Of course, if one is the type of SAHM you hear about in tabloids, neglecting their kids and spending all their time in the pub, salon, disco, etc....then of course that sort of SAHM has an easy life. Most SAHMs who spend quality time with their children, keep the house to a respectable level of upkeep, do homecooked meals and take an active interest in (or even help to teach) their children's homework and schooling, have a very demanding life, especially when you add in the responsibility of looking after an older relative. I don't think the pressure eases when one has teens - it's not the time they are away from home (unless they are at boarding school and away for months!) that matters; it can be a difficult time for them, even for those achieving well in school, and any conscientious mum will try to do her best to support them through a time that can be stressful for all.
Various people I know do it differently - some will talk it through, some simply accept that their DHs will always live in a rose tinted haze of ignorance, and will take the high road, feeling that as long as duties are discharged, they don't mind not being validated by their DH (they are often appreciated by their kids). I have noticed that the DHs who appreciate their DWs will do so voluntarily; those who don't generally never come round to the mature view no matter how much others or their wives tell them. I think it's when he actively starts sniping at you to do more, or belittling you that you might want to have a little talk with him.

[Cocoflower]

Cushionface

I suppose if you told your DH you were going to get a FT job so now it was also his responsibilty to find childcare, time for housework etc he would quickly see how much you let him afford his life the way it is

I mean, in all honesty with him abroad so much if you suddenly worked too it make his life very akward would it not? I doubt he could really continue to work abroad. I hope he realises this.

[KittyFane]

Cailin, I didn't take it that OP finds it difficult.. Maybe just a bit less rewarding at the moment?

[Alibabaandthe80nappies]

kipper - you lost me at 'I used to have a demanding job which even men found tough'.

What the actual fuck?

[Cushionface]

Thank you to all posters, as I feel much better now. I really appreciate all the helpful advice from those who understood what I was trying to say, and
marriedinwhite made me chuckle (though she probably didn't intend to!) Good luck to all posters who contributed.

[ChocolateIsAFoodGroup]

Ali agree with you - it's hard for me to look ahead, but I can see it happening already with some SAHMs I know with older children - I actually really appreciated that my mum never had any idea what I was doing at school, expected me to help with my younger siblings, etc. She worked full time. She was/is 100% amazing.

I think I also have some ambivalence about still being a SAHM when the DC are teenagers - TBH, I really hope I am not by then, and am back to taking the world by storm..... ha ha.....

Cushion do you volunteer? Set boundaries with your mother as to when you are available to help her? I'm not trying to undermine what you do as a SAHM (I am one!) just think you might need to carve out some time for 'just you' in some way - help you develop your own self-respect, independent of others' opinion.

[Maisiethemorningsidecat]

Great post Married - well said.

OP - I can't identify with your life at all, and from here it sounds bliss. When I feel my children and DH are taking me for granted I sit them down and explain exactly what I am doing in terms of the workload and where I would like more help. If you don't voice your concerns and set out what you expect from them then they won't know.