to think SAHMs deserve respect and consideration from their families?

[Cushionface]

Do other SAHMs feel taken for granted? I have a very comfortable life and know I am very lucky, but feel that even though I'm on the go nearly all the time, husband and children show very little appreciation for what I do; I don't believe they have any idea how much I do for them, and whilst that's my job, it would be nice to feel valued, which I really don't. DH has a very demanding job and is abroad a lot (always exhausted when home), but makes comments about all the free time I have, and, though an excellent (if over-indulgent father), sometimes criticises my parenting skills, even though he is hardly ever here! I have a demanding elderly mother, two children, 15 and 13, fundamentally good but prone to teenage tantrums and quite spoilt (our fault I accept), two lovely but demanding dogs, and all the usual demands of modern life. I don't need/want/expect sympathy but would love to know how others cope with this feeling. How do you know if you're doing too much/too little? How do you know when it's reasonable to expect more from other family members? How do you get satisfaction from doing a never-ending job, that's neither valued nor respected?

Tittybangbang - your kind words are appreciated. A lot of people have missed the point of original post (tho it has certainly raised some interesting issues, none of which I was trying to raise!!!!)

OP, I didn't mean to sound as horrid as I did but it was your comment about "being on the go all the time" that irked. The reason being that I do all that you do but also fit in, through choice because no need to work here but I do for my intellectual stimulation and to get out and meet people beyond what woudl otherwise be very limited social confines. It's just that I do all that you do and fit in eight to nine hours of work every day as well. I agree DH's and teenage DC's are often ungrateful and demanding and I can and do sympathise with you over that. I also agree with you about priorities but I had 8 years at home, worked part-time for the two years back at work and purposefully didn't return to work until my youngest was 7 because I agree with Jesuits about one thing (not much else) and that is "give me a boy until he is 7 and I will show you the man". A part of me does believe that my DC need me much more than they did, say, two years ago but I haven't been able to reduce hours because of professional obligations in difficult times to a large organisation.

The plus side of working is that the DC do have to be a little more independent and organised and I think that is a benefit for them later on. Mine come home from school on their own, let themselves into the house, make themselves a snack and have to get their stuff organised for the next day. They also have put their laundry in the basket if they want it washed and put it away when it has been laundered. Not a lot I know by many people's standards but I still feel guilty all the time. Guilty because the house is never quite perfect, guilty because sometimes I forget stuff they have asked for, guilty because I'm not here, guilty because I dash something off at work and would like to read and correct it one more time, guilty because I am tired, guilty because I snap. But ultimately, if I didn't do it I would be so frustrated that everyone would suffer so much more.

I really didn't mean to cause offence and I am very sorry if you feel unappreciated but I would dearly love to do everything properly all of the time but the only way that will happen is if I give up a job I love and stop giving something back to the community in which I have so many advantages.

If you want someone to respect you, being their domestic slave isn't the right way to go about it.

Married - I keep trying to stop posting (someone will soon tell me I 'm able to do this because I have too much free time!), but I had to reply to you. I actually think these forums are fundamentally flawed because none of us can tell our whole life stories to explain everything, and the written word can easily be misunderstood (or is that just my poor communication skills?!) I think you've summed up everything - nobody has it all and we all have moments of doubt/unhappiness/etc/etc whatever our situation. I would love an interesting, stimulating career, but for various reasons, for now, at least, that's not possible. All I'm trying to do is raise decent children , keep my marriage on track, and be an ok person.

To answer one of your questions, you know you are doing to much when you start to feel resentful. Just because you have free time it doesn't mean you have to fill it with doing things for teen DCs or DH. Do something for you.

It will be a wake up call to realise you are not always available to sort whatever it is.

SAHMs do have a really rough deal. It's just not possible to keep a house looking perfect, and why would you want a perfect looking house anyway...these are things people will latch onto. I hate all this emphasis on money all the time...you don't need to work as hard as you possibly can! We have things like iPads and to make up for it we chastise people who don't run themselves into the ground working. What we need is some equilibrium- dolce far niente (and yes, I am ashamed of myself for learning this from Eat Pray Love!).

no.rough deal is a hard shitty job for min wage with a harsh boss
being in your own home,working to own timeframe,no external demands is not a really rough deal.at all

and being at home with all kids at school is a skoosh.not rough deal at all

You really hate your job don't you scottish?

Glad someone said it.

far from it!i love my work.i am qualified,well experienced in my chosen specialism.have had it all planned since teens i am doing what i set out to do.
i am not quite sure how you arrived at your conclusion but hey ho

I arrived it because you said "rough deal is a hard shitty job for min wage with a harsh boss"

Also because you have posted on just about every single thread to do with SAHM. Ever.

I love that cushion and married are friends now... That actually never happens in AIBU.... this SAHM/WOHM debate (I know that's not what the OP intended, but it always goes down that path....) always seems to lead to a fight to the death, but not now, apparently....

Kipper

Four (not three - losing my mind....) Yorkshire Men video - bloody funny!!

oh do keep up.sahm at home all day kids at school isnt a rough deal.at all
some folk do hard jobs,have minimal external control and thats not comparable to having no job and free time 9-3

Scottish

keep up? With what?!

Does the "bulgy eye" term ring any bells?

keep up with jist of thread and avoid piling in with assumptions
let me make it clear,as you struggles.one can make a general statement (eg not about self) that some folk (eg not self) do indeed have rough deals.sahm with kids all at school all day is by no stretch onerous.

Oh, I spoke too soon! Here is scottishmummy Fight! Fight! Fight!

[pours another cuppa....]

Hang on a sec, I'm a SAHM to a toddler and a DS who has high medical needs so often out of school or I'm needed during school hours. I think Scottishmummy is right in what she said.

I tried to say that easier, although admittedly in a more sugar coated way and trying to sympathise with the OP, but now the OP has returned and thinks we've all missed the point!

OP you have a nice good life from the initial perspective. If this is the case, and you are not going to add in something massive of why you can't work, then really what do you want? Talk to your husband if you feel he is being disrespectful, but personally I think this is your issue and not his.

*Earlier not easier

are you being post modern or ironic?

Bulgy eyes

and respect isnt a given,its usually earned.its not usually automatically conferred

and start with self .self approbation is a good starting point

there is a virus in the matrix mumsnet

it manifests in certain threads and repeats itself belligerently until it takes over said thread

oh a conspiracy theory.who done in princess di then

Agree with RaindeerBollocks