to think SAHMs deserve respect and consideration from their families?

[Cushionface]

Do other SAHMs feel taken for granted? I have a very comfortable life and know I am very lucky, but feel that even though I'm on the go nearly all the time, husband and children show very little appreciation for what I do; I don't believe they have any idea how much I do for them, and whilst that's my job, it would be nice to feel valued, which I really don't. DH has a very demanding job and is abroad a lot (always exhausted when home), but makes comments about all the free time I have, and, though an excellent (if over-indulgent father), sometimes criticises my parenting skills, even though he is hardly ever here! I have a demanding elderly mother, two children, 15 and 13, fundamentally good but prone to teenage tantrums and quite spoilt (our fault I accept), two lovely but demanding dogs, and all the usual demands of modern life. I don't need/want/expect sympathy but would love to know how others cope with this feeling. How do you know if you're doing too much/too little? How do you know when it's reasonable to expect more from other family members? How do you get satisfaction from doing a never-ending job, that's neither valued nor respected?

Do women really iron their 15 year old dc clothes?

I don't think you're lucky, actually. And I don't think you can allow the status quo to continue. It's not on for your children to have no respect for you. If they're boys, you're teaching them to have no respect for their future partners, and if they're girls, you're teaching them raising children is a job which commands no respect. Your DH has no gratitude for how you facilitate his career either.

I do think you should get a job, if for no other reason than to teach your children they are not the centre of the universe, to raise your own self-esteem and to change the dynamic of your marriage. Your husband is not the most important person in the world and you weren't born to be his member of staff. You should make it very clear, if you go back to work, that you do so because he's lost respect for your current role. If he acts like you're stropping, and tries to talk you out of it (likely, because he does pretty damn well out of the status quo) don't let him.

No, 15 year olds don't need their clothes ironing! Nor do they need to eat special food, different to that of the rest of the family!

Of course he doesnt need to eat different food. He wants to. He does a lot of training and the food he eats to support this isnt the same as we eat usually. IF he wants different food to the rest of us then imo he should cook it himself (and his opinion too). Lol at him being cinderall because of this.

Sometimes the sahm world seems a bit surreal.

I would be seriously worried if my teens couldn't cope with their school studies and with ironing a few items of clothing and doing a few bits around the house.

DP and I would freak out if the DSSs wanted to spend their time cooking themselves special food in the kitchen rather than doing productive study/work. There is a time for everything, and the last 4 years of school are about maximising exam results and honing your productive skills, not about domestic chores IMVHO.

I would be seriously worried if my DSSs went all princessy on us and spent their time faffing about with an iron and saucepans!

15 an 13? That is more housewife than SAHM.

Everyone deserves respect and consideration from their families, but why are you not getting any? Thats what you need to find out, no point asking here.

I think you are doing too much for others and nothing fir yourself. It sounds an easy life to me as your children should, at their ages, be pretty much independent. In terms of laundry, cleaning up after themselves etc.

I think we will have to agree to disagree. I am gobsmacked anyone would refer to a 15 year old boy cooking and ironing for himself as "princessy". Btw hate to stoop the level this has come to but he is a straight A* student. HAd a blip over a year ago but that was due to going off the rails temporarily rather than ironing!

NOthing original to add here but I will echo others in saying that it's not about how easy or hard you have it but about the respect that especially your DH should show you. If he doesn't, then how will the kids?

I was shocked a few weeks ago when I went to stay with my best friend who is a SAHM at how her DH treats her. No DV or anything dramatic, just complete lack of respect for all the work she does.
I helped her out a bit and when I told him that we'd finally sat down in the evening at 10.30, he asked me what we'd been doing, so I said "tidying up, putting kids to bed, washing up, baking" and he said: "But that's not work! I was out all evening networking..."

My DH and I both work in paid jobs, but I work at home and can be more flexible than him, so tend to do most of the at-home and kids stuff, but he does practically all the garden work and with the dogs, in the boilerhouse etc (we have a coalfired boiler) and I think it's all about just saying thanks for whatever gets done, whether it's me ironing him a shirt or him stoking up the boiler. They're all things none of us could live without. And from the way we treat each other the kids learn how they are to treat us.

This is far more about you and your relationship than your role as a housewife.
I'm a housewife and am respected and not put upon.
My MIL was a subserviant martyr housewife.
Then she got a job and became a subserviant martyr who also worked full time.
How many posts on here are from working women who come home nad then do all the housejobs? Still not respected even when working.
This is about you and your self worth and your marty behaviour.

PS having written what I just wrote I think Tortoise speaks a lot of sense. I don't allow myself to be taken for granted, and I make sure my me-time is written into the family calendar along with everybody else's.

My Mum is a SAHM to a 36 yo, a 34 yo and a 32 yo :o

Maybe her life is "easy" (although why people with a so-called easy life should be excoriated for it, I have no idea) but she looks after two elderly women (not as their carer, they are in reasonably good health, but elderly so need someone to bring them to appointments, get in their shopping, keep them company), she provides back up childcare for her 5 grandchildren.

Just because nobody would pay her to live this "easy" life, doesn't mean it's not an important and valuable life.

In fact, because she is one of the few women in the extended family with that kind of flexibility, she picks up all all kinds of sundry tasks that people need doing.

If you went through her days with a spreadsheet mentality, you might well think that she was doing nothing. But you'd be wrong.

The difference is that she feels (I hope) appreciated.

Being around for teenagers is entirely valid. Just because it doesn't involve the drudge of small children doesn't mean it's not important. I worry more about what I'll do when mine are that age than I do about having them in full-time childcare now.

I'm sorry you feel unappreciated OP. Teenagers can be like that, but it's not good if they are picking up this lesson from their Dad.

Rainbow- I agree, a bit of ironing shouldn't get in the way of a bright student getting top grades! A bit sad that some people cant get their head around lads cooking and looking after their own clothes!

'Just because nobody would pay her to live this "easy" life, doesn't mean it's not an important and valuable life.'

you're right there - and there are many women like this, who are very valuable to their families and to the community but lose out in the long run regarding finances and pensions.

I can get my head around it - I just don't think it is time well invested. My DSSs would be washing clothes at midnight if they did their own laundry - I would rather they were sleeping!

So odd to train your teens to be Cinderella...
What an odd thing to day Bonsoir? What's wrong with expecting your DC to become skilled at looking after themselves and respecting what it means to look after a home? It doesn't compromise school work should the balance be realistic and it may teach them a few life skills.

your children are at SCHOOL

as others said if you were dealing with a handful of smalls well fair play

I think issue is your DH, not what you do all day.

maybe its time to get a job? that will shut him up and will give you some self esteem which you sound like you are missing

If you think it would be better if you worked as well, it wouldn't! I work full-time and still do a large part of the household crap and I often feel undervalued.

I am delighted that my post has attracted so much attention, and I think it has stirred up some fundamental issues, Yes I have definitely made some mistakes but a lot of the more hostile posts have made be feel a lot better about things, making me realise I am a better person than some. People who feel the need to snipe and criticize are obviously not happy with their own lives. I am well-educated, with a mostly good marriage, and two teenage children, who, whilst definitely needing some tough love, are hard-working, well-thought of young people, generally doing what they should at their age (with no drugs, alcohol, or sex involved as yet) So I haven't cocked up completely, even if I haven't done as perfect a job as some of you. But don't be too smug; parenting is a life-long job and you're not done yet.
My post was following a difficult few days, and I was looking for some advice. I have taken on board a lot of the ideas and comments form those posters who didn't feel so unhappy with their own lives, they felt the need to belittle mine.
It would be very difficult for me to get a job bearing in mind the demands of my husband's work, and the needs of my children. Yes I don't HAVE to work and I'm sorry if that offends some people but that's just the way it is - for every person that criticizes me for not working, there is someone else who says they wish they didn't have to work.
For those of us in this situation, there are fantastic opportunities to do courses, voluntary work, etc, all of which I already do.
If you have a job, which you love, and in which you feel fulfilled and valued, lucky you. In my experience, that situation is unusual.
Being supportive to others is not a bad thing, and, indeed, could be seen as the most important thing in the world.
I am proud of what I do, even though I, like most people, sometimes feel taken for granted. The fact that women choose to work, or have to work, or choose to stay at home, or have to stay at home, and everything in-between seems to cause more friction amongst women than anything else.

I think the problem is that once children go to school, there is a general attitude that SAHMs faff about and do very little all day.

It might not be a fair view

but there are alot of people that work, and then have to squeeze eveything else into evenings/weekend

so, and I am not saying its nice, they WILL snipe at SAHMs cos to them it looks like they have all day to faff about

so thats why SAHMs often dont feel valued, as alot of people dont see them as valuable, esp when kids are school age

its not nice, its not plesant

but it is so

my SIL is starting to see this (kids start school this week) and I bet you my DP will see this, but not for a while yet as little ones still

AND if you work all day, and you know that from 9am to 3pm, your OH has relatively little to do, well its only human you might be a teensy bit resentful?

Translation: You mean old harpies didn't tell me what I wanted to hear you must be so unhappy with your own lives. I'm going to snipe at you because you hit a nerve

Cushionface,

I haven't read your thread and I don't think your life is easy at all. No one wants to be a scivey, even a nice middle class scivy.

Everyone deserves self respect as a human being. You want to be Cushionface and a person in your own right. Not mother of cushionface junior or wife of Mr Cushionface.