to think SAHMs deserve respect and consideration from their families?

[Cushionface]

Do other SAHMs feel taken for granted? I have a very comfortable life and know I am very lucky, but feel that even though I'm on the go nearly all the time, husband and children show very little appreciation for what I do; I don't believe they have any idea how much I do for them, and whilst that's my job, it would be nice to feel valued, which I really don't. DH has a very demanding job and is abroad a lot (always exhausted when home), but makes comments about all the free time I have, and, though an excellent (if over-indulgent father), sometimes criticises my parenting skills, even though he is hardly ever here! I have a demanding elderly mother, two children, 15 and 13, fundamentally good but prone to teenage tantrums and quite spoilt (our fault I accept), two lovely but demanding dogs, and all the usual demands of modern life. I don't need/want/expect sympathy but would love to know how others cope with this feeling. How do you know if you're doing too much/too little? How do you know when it's reasonable to expect more from other family members? How do you get satisfaction from doing a never-ending job, that's neither valued nor respected?

[babybythesea]

There is a joke about being a SAHM (apologies if you've heard it before).

A guy says goodbye to his wife and children in the morning, and goes off to work. When he arrives home that evening, and opens the front door, he can't open the front door easily because there is a tricycle in the way. He goes into the kitchen, and sees an open fridge door, but with almost no food inside. There is a box of cereal which had been spilled on the floor and the counter is littered with dirty plates and cups. There is paint on the table, and milk all over the floor. The back door is open and muddy footprints lead to and fro from the door to the hallway. Worried, he goes into the living room to find it a sea of toys and books, with his two children sitting playing. Neither is dressed. He says to the eldest 'Did you go to school today?' 'No, not today - we've been eating ice cream all day,' she answers. 'Where's Mummy?' he asks. 'Upstairs.' So up he goes, past a couple of piles of dirty clothes, and a den on the landing made out of all the children's bedding. Really scared, he bursts into his room, to find his wife sitting in bed drinking a cup of tea and reading a book. 'Are you ok?' he asks. 'Oh yes,' she says, 'just fine, thanks.' 'So, wait, I come home and the kids aren't fed properly, they're not dressed, eldest didn't get to school, the house is a tip, there's no food in the fridge, there are dirty clothes every where... but you're ok?'
'Yes', says his wife. You know when you come home you normally ask what I've been doing with myself all day? Well, today I didn't do it.'

Says it all to me really!

[Bonsoir]

I like the fact that I don't have to cut (too many) corners with my domestic and childcare arrangements. I am busy all day, and were I to WOH in a more significant way than the peanuts I currently do, I would need both to outsource and cut corners to keep my show on the road. I don't think SAHMs faff around all day - the ones I don't are pretty much run off their feet.

[TandB]

I think there are 2 different issues here and you really need to separate them in your own mind before you deal with them. Being respected by your family, particularly your partner, should not be dependant on what, or how much, you actually do during your days.

I think the reason some people are reacting negatively to your opening post is because it does seem a bit like you are trying to justify your contribution to the family and home in order to assert your right to be respected. You have a right to respect for any contribution you make. If you are not getting it then simply listing everything you do isn't going to change that, and there is going to be a temptation to get into the competitive business milarky that we often see on MN. I think you do need to have a think about the attitudes that are upsetting you and how to discuss them and make sure there is a positive change.

In terms of how much you do, I think you do need to be a bit careful about appearing to be complaining about your set-up - that probably isn't going to help in sorting out the other issue. It is a simple fact that someone whose children are at school for 6+ hours a day has more time for all their other activities, necessary or optional, than someone who has young children requiring constant input, or someone who works full time and is only home when their children are also home. That doesn't mean that a SAHM with school-age children is worthless - but it does mean that she has more time to do other things. It is up to you how you use that time - I suppose some people up their domestic standards and make sure the household runs like clockwork so that the family have more time together at weekends. Some people might find other activities to fill the time. Some people might just slow down their pace of life and take things a bit easier. It depends on what sort of person you are how you are likely to feel about the approach you have taken. If you are used to being busy and you take the more laid back approach and don't actually expand your activities to fill your extra time then you are likely to feel disatisfied with yourself. It is difficult for someone to value you when they sense that you don't value yourself, or if you have a defensive note in your voice when you describe what you do.

Why don't you have a look at adding some things to your life? Something for your whole family or something just for you. Then perhaps when your partner makes a comment about all your free time you will be able to answer much more positively about the things you do.

[Pootles2010]

Isn't everyone on the go all the time? That's just life, isn't it? I don't think I know anyone who isn't. I don't think anyone gets 'respect and consideration' for living their lives, quite confused about what the op actually wants.

[Bonsoir]

"It is a simple fact that someone whose children are at school for 6+ hours a day has more time for all their other activities, necessary or optional, than someone who has young children requiring constant input."

See, this is the point I just don't buy. When children go to school, you have to live life by the clock, with constant interruptions to your day that are non-negotiable to the second. Being at home with a baby or toddler is a doddle of take-life-as-you-please (as are the school holidays).

[Pootles2010]

What constant interruptions? Genuinely confused as not been the mother of school age kids yet. Do you mean the twice daily school run?

[Bonsoir]

I have school run at 9am, 12pm, 1.30 pm, 4.30 pm and then DD normally has an activity, so 1 or 2 more trips. Then DSSs and DP (who don't need accompanying anywhere) have different non-negotiable schedules of school/work/gym/activities that need accommodating. Scheduling other appointments is quite a headache, frankly!

[Pootles2010]

Bloody hell woman. How many children do you have?! Fair do's, that does sound like a nightmare.

[belgo]

Bonsoir is it your choice to take her out at lunch time I think?

I agree with the running around for activities, that can be a full time job in itself (slight exaggeration)

[ReindeerBollocks]

To be fair OP, you've admitted your husband has a very demanding job, and probably feels that you do have more time than him. How is it disrespectful to point out a fact? Whether he values what you do everyday cannot be found from that sentence alone.

I don't think you have a particularly hard life, and I do think that has some bearing on why people are behaving in the way that they do towards you. I am not meaning to be offensive, but if your teenagers did do all of their laundry and cleaned up after themselves what would you do during the day? I am not criticising your life. I think if the children and your husband were being verbally rude and insulting then yes, I would argue that you deserve respect.

But actually, they just think that you're a SAHM whose job is it to do all the laundry/housework, take care of the dogs and children after school. I don't think they are being disrespectful, they are just assuming your role as a SAHM includes these things and if you don't like that then perhaps you can change the way you run the home - get the kids involved in chores etc.

[ReindeerBollocks]

Bonsai, I agree and with primary school aged children and toddlers it can often be a right hassle to get everyone in the right place at the right time.

However, the OPs children are 13 & 15 so presumably they are more than capable of getting themselves to and from school.

[TandB]

But the majority of people with older school-age children, in the UK, will do a school run around 9 and 4. Even allowing for getting back home that still gives a block of probably around 5 hours that are not interrupted by children, barring emergencies. That means that the things that were once done during that time to a constant barrage of interruptions from small children, can now be done at your own pace.

I just don't think it can realistically be said that someone whose children are at school does not have more "free" time than someone whose children are at home and under their feet. Whether that time remains free is another thing - for some people it might, for others their activities will expand to fill the available time.

[ReindeerBollocks]

Kungfu, I think Bonsoir was referring to a child around 3 who gets those half day placements, five days a week, which can mean multiple trips out to nursery and school during the day.

[Maisiethemorningsidecat]

Gosh, how on earth do we do it when we've also got to somehow squeeze in working outside the home?

[TandB]

Reindeer - I assumed she was. Which is why I replied about "older school-age" children like the OP's.

[Maisiethemorningsidecat]

Bonsoir's child is older than 3. Nearer 10, iirc.

[ReindeerBollocks]

Whoops, that's what I get for trying to be helpful, FWIW I agree with your point Kungfu re the OP.

[belgo]

Bonsoir's child is old enough to be in full tiem education.

The way parents who both work full time do it, is by delegating child care to grandparents or paid child care. You simply cannot be in two places at the same time!

[Cocoflower]

Why does the op need have the hardest life, harder than anyone else's to get respect?

If your life is "easy" you don't need to be valued as a human anymore?

The bottom line is she should be respected, at the very least by the man she is married too and her own children!

I agree with this "How many posts on here are from working women who come home nad then do all the housejobs? Still not respected even when working"

So the answer lies with getting your DH to realise once and for all what you do do. After all you have facilliated him having a career abroad.

[ReindeerBollocks]

Coco - to be fair how is she being disrespected by her husband and children?

They are assuming the jobs are her role, that doesn't equate to disrespect unless they are being verbally abusive, which I don't condone, but that hasn't been stated here.

[Cocoflower]

Thats the whole point of this thread that she feels disrespected! Its in the tittle, the op etc

People who respect their partners don't criticise them and actually find out what their partner does rather than say "you have so much spare time".

My DH would never treat me like this.

[belgo]

Reindeerbollocks - the Op feels a lack of respect and does not feel valued. I don't know why you think that is not possible unless she is being abused in some way ? I find your post a little confusing.

[Maisiethemorningsidecat]

I wonder if the OP truly understands or appreciates everything that her DH does when he's at work - I suspect not. We do tend to take each other for granted on occasion, and usually all it needs is a gentle reminding nudge. If it needs more than that then I would suggest it's a bit more serious.

However, if one partner is out working to earn the bucks that enables the other to stay at home then it seems reasonable to expect that partner to do the other stuff that ensures a home is kept tidy/kids fed/etc.