to think SAHMs deserve respect and consideration from their families?

[Cushionface]

Do other SAHMs feel taken for granted? I have a very comfortable life and know I am very lucky, but feel that even though I'm on the go nearly all the time, husband and children show very little appreciation for what I do; I don't believe they have any idea how much I do for them, and whilst that's my job, it would be nice to feel valued, which I really don't. DH has a very demanding job and is abroad a lot (always exhausted when home), but makes comments about all the free time I have, and, though an excellent (if over-indulgent father), sometimes criticises my parenting skills, even though he is hardly ever here! I have a demanding elderly mother, two children, 15 and 13, fundamentally good but prone to teenage tantrums and quite spoilt (our fault I accept), two lovely but demanding dogs, and all the usual demands of modern life. I don't need/want/expect sympathy but would love to know how others cope with this feeling. How do you know if you're doing too much/too little? How do you know when it's reasonable to expect more from other family members? How do you get satisfaction from doing a never-ending job, that's neither valued nor respected?

"I have noticed that the DHs who appreciate their DWs will do so voluntarily; those who don't generally never come round to the mature view no matter how much others or their wives tell them."

That's pretty depressing, but I suspect that in most cases, it's spot on.

Stop doing everything for everyone, do some stuff only for yourself.

Do you respect you?

I am a SAHM but I am nobody's servant. We view our family as a machine that needs all its parts equally to function properly, so my role looking after the kids by being about and doing house stuff is no less valued than DH's role of looking after them by bringing in the money.

Be a standalone person and demand respect, you have taught them to treat you like this so you can teach them otherwise.

Being a SAHM doesn't mean being grateful for any scraps your family choose to throw your way.

Kipper What job??! Now that I know that even men found it tough, I am all agog!!!

(PS Not quite sure what marriedinwhite is trying to achieve other than to tell us we should give her a wide berth because apparently she feels she's better than everyone else!).

Here goes: an inlaw of mine who has three kids used to tell me she went to work everyday to REST - although of course she put in a full day's work every day - while nursery wore out the kids! She reported that it was much harder being at home with them the whole day. I definitely concur, although I won't change what I do.

Yeah for Morloth said it much better than I did....

Everyone deserves respect and to be appreciated whether they are a SAHM or a WOHM...
I'm a SAHM with two little girls aged nearly 4 and nearly 2, my in-laws live with us as I help my MIL when needed (a virus left her paralysed from the waist down), my husband works long shifts and my FIL doesn't want to help around house 'because he works'. So yes I do understand what it's like to feel unappreciated. But your situation most likely leaves you more free time than I have, so have you ever thought about finding an interest? Something to occupy your time that makes you feel good? IMO your children are old enough to pick up after themselves and help you even if only in small ways. It'll do them good, they're not small children anymore!

I know how you feel about not being appreciated. Sometimes my kids talk to me like something the cat dragged in

I'm sure I did the same with my (SAH) mum, too. I took it utterly for granted that she'd be there when I wanted her- the rest of the time I couldn't really have cared less (I was considerably politer than my kids are, though)

As I find myself saying- increasingly more often- I don't expect gratitude, but I also don't expect ingratitude

rrrrrrrrrrrr.

I'm having One Of Those Weeks- can you tell?

oh- and everyone who thinks teenagers are easier than littluns- they might be out of the house for longer, but the time between in from school/to bed can be pretty...intense

Morloth: Well said :)
Springheeledjack: I think being a parent is no picnic, no matter what age your children!

I don't know why Married is getting such a hard time - her post is not about feeling better than anyone at all, and it's ridiculous to suggest that. As someone who works outside, as well as inside, the house with 3 kids, 3 jobs, no outside help whatsoever from family or paid-for help, long commutes, trying to fit visits in to elderly relatives at the other end of the country and all the ferrying about in the evening for the kids things then it's very difficult not to feel ambivalent towards the OP.

Kipper- I cant help feeling that your previous high powered career can't have been quite as demanding as you're trying to make out if you now say it's 'so easy compared to being at home with children.

No way is being a SAHM terribly difficult. I have been at home on maternity leave and also I worked part time when the kids were little so had days at home with them. Providing home cooked meals, doing activities with the children and generally looking after the home are really not that challenging or pressurised. I'm not saying its always easy, but no way is it comparable with a demanding career. And it's nonsense to say when you're at work you only have to think of yourself. Quite the opposite I'd say- you have to think about clients/customers/meeting targets and deadlines. Being a SAH

We're going to have those Three Yorkshiremen along in a minute, aren't we?.....

Whoops posted too soon. Being a SAHM can be demanding but more in terms of being quite repetitive and relentless and a bit isolating at times. Its not demanding as in having to constantly perform at a high level, hitting targets and meeting deadlines though

I was a WOHM until my dc were teenagers and then I became a WAHM. There is something about teenagers which was more unpredictable than when my dc were little - the combinatin of busy lives and hormones meant that when they needed to speak to me, they needed to speak to me NOW, if not, I'd missed the opportunity for several days.

However because I was working we'd always had help with cleaning etc, and I made everybody contribute to the cost of that, and to making it possible. So the dp and I and each of the children each had to make a financial contribution to pay for the cleaner (I know that it was all out money anyway since we paid the dc pocket money / allowance and then took a little back) but it made it clear that this was 'work' and a 'privelege'. Anyone who didn;t want to contribut could choose to do that but then they had to take their share of toilet cleaning, hoovering etc (several threats, but no-one actually chose that route). Also the evening before the cleaners came we had 10 minutes of madness when everyone had to clear up all the crap that was laying around (so that there was actually carpet that could be hoovered, and surfaces that could be dusted).

I suppose my reason in doing that is that for years I'd noticed that some necessary tasks never attracted praise. No visitor to the house every praised my clean toliets (or at least not in the same way as they would proase my dh's rows of pansys or strawberry patch).

Sorry, long lost, but just wondering how you could help your dc and dh to appreciate the efforts that are required to make a household work.

...and then going home and doing all the inside the home work that hasn't been done throughout the day.

I took a career break at one point, and I never, ever found it as challenging or tiring or difficult as it is combining work inside and outside the home.

I'll go and ask DH how difficult he finds it combining work inside and outside the home now, shall I?

[stirring the pot.....]

To OP I understand exactly how you feel. I am in a similar situation, but my children are younger & I also work part-time. I am quite happy to do the bulk of the domestic duties, but it does bug me when no-one can be bothered to even put a cup in the dishwasher. The problem is you realize that you are lucky be at home, so you think you should do everything, then before you know it you are a doormat.
Before my eldest started school my partner & I both had similar careers in the same industry. However as demands of the job changed, we had to become more & more flexible regarding travelling away from home & shift working. As we have no family nearby, it became impossible for us to both continue. As we were planning baby no2, I gave up my job. I do realize how lucky I am that I only work part-time but I don't think my dp always realizes how me being a SAHM has helped his career. He would not have progressed as well as he has, if he was not able to travel constantly at the drop of a hat & work long hours without worrying about anything to do with the house or children.

Wow, Married. A little bitter are we? I think the OP has her priorities straight, which some others perhaps DON'T. Jesus.

Well, I think what we're discussing here is that if you have a partner who is not terribly supportive it makes your time as an SAHM so much harder. And many SAHM friends who have their mothers close by and able to provide support (and additional help) agree it is like having a third parent to help ease the pressure - none of which I had, but no different from quite a lot of mothers I know.
I should probably concede that if one had a career that was always stressful from the start, then of course, being at home with children and relatives is quite a refreshing change, so I'll definitely concede that. I suppose I am quite lucky in never finding my career stressful in that way, although it was very competitive and with long hours. I wouldn't say that it was high powered or not - that's irrelevant - but I would say a lot of my male colleagues did find it very stressful, as the nearby pubs would attest.

someone always quips they were Md of world dom enterprise,team of 765896,budget of a gazillion pounds,hard targets, cutting edge demands,blackberry never off BUT being a sahm is 'ardest job in world.'ardest fing they have ever done

...aye right it rings so true

if your kids are all at school all day,its a skoosh.youre not sahm youre just stay at home.no one to be mum to if they at school

Could it be CushionFace that your DH doesn't agree with you not working? Might he have preferred that you returned to work once the DC were in primary school, or even in secondary school?

Maybe that is why he isn't showing respect for your lifestyle?

Smiles at kipper's plastered male colleagues knackered in the local pubs.....

Can't believe we now live in a country where there are no PUBS! (Not that DH would be allowed to go, in any event - bathtime beckons!)

I had a friend who was a SAHM to 17 year old. He was never in all day and out all night. But no, she called herself a sahm...

I say she was my friend, I lie, I knew her but she was the most annoying person on the planet.

When you do a good job and everything runs like clockwork, nobody notices all the preparation and work you put in. This is true of any job, paid, voluntary, SAHM or WOHM.

My colleagues used to say that the only way to get some recognition for a job well done, was to fix an almighty cock up. Let people get a glimpse of the nightmare that would unfurl if you weren't do your job properly, and they will thank you gratefully.

It sounds like the OP is too good at doing her job and that her DH and DCs are blissfully unaware of the effort she is making. It wouldn't hurt them to say 'thanks', 'you did a great job' now and them, but I suspect they won't even notice until she stops doing some of the stuff she currently does (and maybe finds a role outside the home to keep her busy instead).

Kayano If we could afford for me to never work again I would do that, be a SAHM then later when the DC are older be a housewife. I wouldn't bleat on about how hard it is though.

In fact, I try hard at the moment not to complain about struggling with the DC to friends because some of them would dearly love to be a SAHM like me (to a 1yr old and 2 yr old I hasten to add) but are stuck in jobs they hate to meet the mortgage each month.

What sybil said, i.e. "hiding the thread now because I can't bear the competitive martyrdom coming from some posters"