to think SAHMs deserve respect and consideration from their families?

[Cushionface]

Do other SAHMs feel taken for granted? I have a very comfortable life and know I am very lucky, but feel that even though I'm on the go nearly all the time, husband and children show very little appreciation for what I do; I don't believe they have any idea how much I do for them, and whilst that's my job, it would be nice to feel valued, which I really don't. DH has a very demanding job and is abroad a lot (always exhausted when home), but makes comments about all the free time I have, and, though an excellent (if over-indulgent father), sometimes criticises my parenting skills, even though he is hardly ever here! I have a demanding elderly mother, two children, 15 and 13, fundamentally good but prone to teenage tantrums and quite spoilt (our fault I accept), two lovely but demanding dogs, and all the usual demands of modern life. I don't need/want/expect sympathy but would love to know how others cope with this feeling. How do you know if you're doing too much/too little? How do you know when it's reasonable to expect more from other family members? How do you get satisfaction from doing a never-ending job, that's neither valued nor respected?

[Popbiscuit]

...and here comes Scottish Mummy with her infinite wisdom on the subject.
SM There are only 24 hours in a day. Unless you can outsource heavily or have live in servants, taking care of children, household, pets, elderly relatives etc. could quite easily be a full-time occupation. And a worthy one at that.

[SickwithFury]

Without reading whole thread (sorry - too knackered and my eyeballs are starting to smart a bit - just downed a glass of vino , I can sympathise, but just a little.

I'm an out of work teacher at the moment, looking for an NQT after a fucking worst year of my working life really hard year doing a PGCE. MIL lives with us and has recently broken her wrist. I ADORE her but am caring for her needs a lot at the moment; couple that with 2 boys under 6 - one is only half day at school so I'm doing 4 school runs daily. Sorting MIL's meds, DS's lives and trying to de-clutter my home (on top of the usual house keeping) for my super- obsessed DH is hard.

Oh, I'm also meant to be writing my CV, getting a CRB done and clearing the attic. I'm also an electrician by trade (a rare female) so am meant to re-wiring my MIL's home whilst she's with us and doing the odd job of DIY around the house.

So, forgive me for wanting to scream when my DH comes home and get's arsey because the house is not looking like a show home untidy and says in the oh so immortal words.....

"BUT YOU'RE NOT WORKING".

[Kayano]

That was just it, it wasn't 'I'm a housewife', it was 'Im a SAHM'

She never seen her kid due to their social life. It just tickled me

[kipperandtiger]

(have answered Chocolate's query privately). No pubs??? Really? - but there's plenty around the M25......!!
I think the point is that if your DP/DH thinks very little of what you do, it is not a great situation to be in. The thing is that if you work outside the home, your labour is visible to a lot of people and you can get a buzz from achieving your targets - whether that's selling merchandise, cleaning floors or creating the iPad2 or whatever. Even if all your boss/colleagues say is "the floors are clean, you can go now". And it doesn't matter if your own DP/DH is oblivious to those achievements. Whereas if the only person who sees the fruits of your labour is the DP/DH who says "is that all?", that's really quite crushing. it's not about what you're actually doing, it's about the manner in which you are treated.

[notlettingthefearshow]

Why are people being hard on the OP? She is not complaining about her lot in life, just expressing unhappiness that her family seem to take her for granted.

I'm sorry you feel underappreciated, OP. It sounds like you are very conscientious and work hard, but you don't feel your family notice this. If you are doing literally everything for your family, I think this is too much. Maybe they don't notice because it has always been this way?

I know teenagers need support, but they do also need to pull their weight and learn some life skills to become independent. Can they do more around the house? For example, they could cook 1 night a week each, which would give you a bit of time off. Or if you give them a lot of lifts, they should use public transport some of the time when possible.

As for your husband, he very probably has no idea how hard you work purely because he has no experience of it. Well, this is easly remedied! Hpw about you take yourself away for a couple of days (minimum) to visit a friend/relative/any old excuse. Leave him a detailed list of what he should do in that time. Have yourself a ncie little break, and don't forget to turn off your mobile phone!

[SickwithFury]

Ladies, let's not score points amongst ourselves, and whilst I'M NOT a raging feminist, we all know that this is about being and feeling appreciated.

It's crap to feel taken for granted. It's crap for our efforts to not even be recognised especially by those that are meant to love us.

[donthateme]

I agree sickwithfury- but I do' wonder whether the underlying reason the op is feeling unappreciated is because her DH actually does think she should be doing more now that the kids are older. You cant just conjure up appreciation and respect out of nowhere. Perhaps they need to revisit the roles they've slipped into over the years and renegotiate things. Thats a positive thing, not negative. It could be that her dh is feeling the pressure of being sole earner and would actually prefer her to be earning or making some career plans at least. Apart from anything else, the economic climate is very different from when she became a SAHM many years ago. What worked for the couple then may not be best now

[ChocolateIsAFoodGroup]

Kipper - in the US - so, no, no pubs!!! (Just 'pubs' which aren't the same thing )

SWF I agree - like I said earlier, part of the reason I think I really enjoy being a SAHM (and I'm so not going to get dragged into a completely pointless debate about whether that is/isn't harder than working) is the fact that DH sincerely appreciates what I do. If he didn't, I can imagine I would feel a whole lot crappier about life.

So, all joking aside - Cushion I do really feel for you - and like others have said, feel this is much more about the respect you get from your family, than whether you work/stay at home/whatever-combination.

[kipperandtiger]

Ah I see, the US.... they have bars instead, don't they? Are they cheaper than pubs or more pricey? Hope you're enjoying it in the US. I liked it when I visited - just east and west coasts.

[FootballFriend]

How do you know if you're doing too much/too little? Are you exhausted? Are you doing things your teenagers could jolly well do themselves without incoveniencing their social lives too much?

How do you know when it's reasonable to expect more from other family members? Are they capable, have they got the time?

How do you get satisfaction from doing a never-ending job, that's neither valued nor respected? Do you value what you're doing or just feel it's what's become expected of you? Do you feel you should be doing more with your time (and there seems to be lots of it)?

Not getting drawn into the side debate - as I have WOH tomorrow and won't be on MN to deflect all the bashing.

[manicmummyoftwo]

Have my very first

[FootballFriend]

Is that all for me MMofTwo? Off to make a cuppa then.

[scottishmummy]

why say have my 1st are they rationed,stale or are you stingy

[Proudnscary]

Why don't you get a job OP?

I would be bored rigid and horribly unfulfilled living this supposedly 'lucky' life you say you lead. Your kids are older now - what about you?

[donthateme]

Proudnscary- you make a good point. The op thinks that she 'ought' to feel lucky and almost that she shouldn't complain because shes in this so called enviable position of not having a job and having teenage children in school all day and a husband who is often jetsetting off for his career.
I think you need to look at this afresh OP. Very many women would not envy your position of being at home feeling that you have to do everything to justify your SAHM position. Many mums of teenage kids don't want to be doing everything for them precisely because they don't feel it's in the kids best interests. Personally I would be bored witless with kids of that age if I were home and feeling my role was simply servicing the needs of the family.

Have you lost confidence through being at home so long? You seem to feel it's become the only role to which you are entitled. And even then you're not feeling appreciated for it.

You might find that changing things, starting a job and having commitments outside home is exactly what will push your kids into doing more and complaining less. Once they see that you don't have any more time at home than they do, it will come far more naturally for them to step up and do more around the home. They will see you having responsibilities outside the home, which will be good for them, and help them to see you are more than just someone to fetch carry and clear up after them

[Tortoiseonthehalfshell]

Teenagers don't tend to show respect or consideration to their parents irrespective of their working status. It's just that if you've always been a SAHM and your entire identity revolves around 'being a good wife and mother', you're far more likely to feel as if you were cheated out of something in the teenage years.

So there's a few things here:

1. Stop defining yourself solely as a wife and mother. Laudable though those things are, frankly if your children are 13 and 15 they neither want nor need you to do everything for them. I think that while it's fine to insist on politeness and mutual respect, it's quite stifling for them to feel as if their mother's self esteem rests on them and very bad for them to have their domestic needs and whims catered to.
   
2. Find things for yourself, as others have said. A life spent in service to others is no life.
   
3. The time when you reap the rewards of having done right by your family is not now, it's when your children are adults. So while I'm saying, dial it back, I'm also saying, the effort you've put in so far hasn't gone to waste. It's just that teenagers have to, developmentally, break the bonds at this age, in order to get to their next level. Once they're there, you'll be able to see the work you did.

[ExpensivePants]

Firstly I'd imagine that the term SAHM is used by mothers of older teenagers because the term housewife would see them lynched these days. What would you call yourself in that situation?

Secondly, everyone has different levels of tolerance so the Four Yorkshiremen act doesn't really help the discussion.

Now I'm off too, I can't be doing with the 'my life's harder than your life' crap either.

[donthateme]

Excellently put tortoise.

[Bonsoir]

I really sympathise, OP, and FWIW I thought being at home with a baby/toddler was a complete doddle compared with school age children! I really don't buy all this competition over small children being hardest work. It's rubbish!

[rainbowinthesky]

I think your life sounds awful, sorry, I couldnt do it. You are depending on those around you, whom you seem to slave for, to give you your self esteem. You sound incredibly unfulfilled.
Ds is 15 and dd is 7. I have always worked full time and have a satisfying career I love. If I were to be a sahm at the moment I dont know how I would fill my days.

[rainbowinthesky]

I agree with tortoise about your dc being able to be pretty self sufficient. Ds does all his own cooking, washes up etc after himself, uses public transport to get him self around, has kept his room tidy and vacuumed for years now, does his own ironing etc.

[Bonsoir]

I would much rather my teenagers worked hard at school and maximised their money-spinning skill set than did ironing, personally.

[Bonsoir]

So odd to train your teens to be Cinderella...

[belgo]

YANBU. We all deserve respect and value, but somehow, SAHMs (and carers for the elderly) are at the back of the queue.

Small children, small problems; big children, big problems - you are absolutely right, teenagers bring their own set of problems, often very serious problems.

What plans do you have for yourself for the future? What goals? I met a woman recently with four grown up children who had been at home 22 years, and she was retraining as a nurse.

[rainbowinthesky]

Ironing a shirt and trousers takes 5 minutes. Why would that interfere with is studies? He's not trained. He's 15 and perfectly capable of doing these things and studying. How odd to think a 15 year old should have a parent doing all these things for him. We are all out of the house all day.
He likes to cook his own food and has chosen to do this himself as he likes eating different food to the rest of us.