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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have got married secretly with only 2 witnesses?

492 replies

fivecandles · 11/09/2011 08:50

Dp and I been together 13 odd years with ups and downs and 2 children. Decided to get married because really it's about time for all sorts of reasons BUT didn't want a big faff or the expense of a big wedding. Don't like to be the centre of attention, other financial commitments, it's dh's 2nd marriage, we're not religious etc, etc. DH has a very large family and if we'd invited his mum and dad we'd have had to invite his siblings and before you know it we would have had at least 30 people just with close family. So we had a quiet but lovely wedding in register office. DH had his best mate for his witness and I had mine and they brought their families. We then went for a lovely lunch in a nice restaurant and had a lovely day together.

Told our respective families the next day. Mine completely understood and very happy that we're finally respectable and legal. DH's horribly upset and accused us of being deceitful (because we didn't tell them beforehand) and so on. DH had long conversation with them which was very heated in places but reached a sort of resolution even if it was an agreement to differ sort of thing.

Now they've not spoken to me at all although they did send a card and a little bit of money a few weeks after the event. I sent them some photos and the only contact I've had with them directly is now a letter from MIL saying how happy we look in the photos and how upset this makes her!! She has been showing the photos to all her friends and they're also really upset apparently. She's told dh about how she's been crying for days and not sleeping and one of dh's siblings has written to say similar things.

Anway, having said nothing and hoped it would all blow over, I've felt moved to write back to MIL to remind them that a wedding is a happy occasion and ask them to put aside their negative views and be happy for us and respect our choices. AIBU???

OP posts:
Original poster
fivecandles · 11/09/2011 10:29

I'm not going to apologise for not inviting my mother in law. We couldn't have invited her without inviting 30+ otehr people. We didn't want a big wedding. We are in our 40s with children of our own and don't need our parents permission to get married in the way we choose.

OP posts:
CardyMow · 11/09/2011 10:30

They aren't entitled to be hurt though - it wasn't THEIR wedding.

AuntiePickleBottom · 11/09/2011 10:31

op what was MIL like at your husband 1st wedding

TidyDancer · 11/09/2011 10:31

You have hurt them, you are (presumably, hopefully) sorry that you have hurt them?

Even if you don't agree with them being hurt, if you want to make things better, you need to validate (for them) how they feel.

Are you more concerned with being 'right' or with having a relationship with your ILs?

Original poster
fivecandles · 11/09/2011 10:31

Yes, I get that, moondog but we had to have 2 witnesses. Thing is there's nothing we can do about it now and if we could go back and do it again I can't see any way of doing it which the in laws would find easier short of having a big wedding. It was a stark choice between having the wedding we wanted or having the wedding everyone else wanted. And given our particular circumstances and my views about why weddings and our wedding was important I think it absolutely right that we went for the wedding we wanted.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 11/09/2011 10:32

Loudlass, they are entirely entitled to be hurt. The OP can't and shouldn't regulate their feelings.

Original poster
fivecandles · 11/09/2011 10:33

So many brides end up miserable because they've been pressured by their families into weddings they didn't want. And even when they try and please everybody I've rarely heard of a wedding where somebody wasn't unhappy about something.

OP posts:
Original poster
fivecandles · 11/09/2011 10:33

'op what was MIL like at your husband 1st wedding'

What a strange question. Er, I wasn't there. It was before I met him.

OP posts:
stripeybump · 11/09/2011 10:33

You sound to me that you really don't give two hoots about the feelings of the people you want to 'welcome you into the family'.

YABU because you seem to be quite selfish in your expectations of how people should react. Of course it's up to you how you get married, but it would not have been hard to have both sets of parents as the witnesses. I'm sure they would have tried to persuade you to have a big wedding, but you could have politely declined.

If I do something which hurts other people inadvertently, I go out of my way to apologise and understand their feelings. Sending them pics was a heartless thing to do Sad

The longer you go without contacting them to apologise properly, the worse your relationship with them will be. I'm glad you're not my daughter-in-law!

moondog · 11/09/2011 10:34

Well all well and good.
You're a grown up and you paid for it and you got waht you wanted.
She will just have to deal with it.
I suspect however that you really just want us all to tell you that what you did was absolutely fine so that you can bury the feelings of guilt you have about it all.

CardyMow · 11/09/2011 10:34

^^ what OP said. Inviting the MIL waould have meant inviting 30+ other people, as the MIL would have been guilt-tripping otherwise, and the bad feeling would have ruined the day.

Fivecandles - Does your MIL have a history of using her emotions to get what she wants by any chance??

It sounds to me like the MIL is a wee bit emotionally abusive, using histronics to get her own way. As that hasn't happened in this situation, she wasn't given the opportunity to turn this wedding into something she controlled, she is using her emotions to make the OP and the OP's husband (her own ds) guilty. NOT a healthy, grown-up way to behave.

Original poster
fivecandles · 11/09/2011 10:36

Loudlass of course they can be hurt (and I've said I'm sorry they are) but I think as grownups they should be able to put those feelings aside in order to think of our feelings. I mean really what does it achieve for them to carry on being negative? We've heard them out, said we're sorry they feel that way, hoped they can be happy for us. We can't get unmarried so ultimately they'll have to learn to live with it.

OP posts:
NarkyPuffinLovesDiane · 11/09/2011 10:37

Congratulations. You had a lovely, small 'private' wedding with friends and obviously enjoyed your day.

It's not surprising that your parents have reacted so positively when. as you say, 'They are not religious and don't like big 'dos'. Their own wedding was very similar to ours. Maybe 5 guests and back to the pub.' That's great for them. How are your ILS on the religion and weddings as fmily occasions front?

You have the right to get married the way you wanted to. Your ILs also have the right to be upset that you chose to exclude them. The right to self determination doesn't extend to dictating the feelings of others.

'Personally I think anything other than expressions of support and congratulations are inappropriate just after a couple have got married.
I think it's very 13th fairy at the Christening to only come up with criticisms.'

So they're not allowed to be hurt and upset? They reacted out of shock, then they sent you a card and money. Now they are just feeling hurt. Could they have handled their reaction better? Yes. They could have put on a smile and said congratulations. Do they have the right to feel upset that you excluded them? Yes.

Original poster
fivecandles · 11/09/2011 10:37

'You sound to me that you really don't give two hoots about the feelings of the people you want to 'welcome you into the family''

That's very unfair. We've both said we're sorry that they're hurt which we are. What more do you want us to do??

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 11/09/2011 10:37

Loudlass, you are being extremely militant about this! I think you're reading an awful lot more into this than has actually been said! The thread has gone from having upset ILs who are devastated at missing their son's wedding, to an emotionally abusive MIL. Wow.

CardyMow · 11/09/2011 10:38

Tidydancer - even if the MIL is feeling hurt - the grown-up response to feeling hurt is NOT to use howling, crying and taking to your bed because you didn't get your own way. Why SHOULD the OP validate feelings like that.

The most I would do is to have said " I am sorry you are upset, but we have had the wedding WE wanted. It was not done intentionally to upset you, it was done because WE wanted a small wedding". At that point, I would expect the MIL to give her congratulations. If she didn't, I would be very cross, whether the MIL was upset or not, as she would be putting her own upset before being polite.

Original poster
fivecandles · 11/09/2011 10:39

moondog, I don't feel guilty. I do want dp and I to get on with my in laws which I pretty much have for 13 years. I do want to put bad feelings aside which dh and I have tried to do but then MIL keeps bringing up how upset she is.

OP posts:
AuntiePickleBottom · 11/09/2011 10:40

i think it is a valid question, as your husband could of said she was contralling, wanted to see the guest list ect.

CheshireDing · 11/09/2011 10:40

Sorry have not read the whole thread but MIL needs to get over herself.

It's your day and if you wanted to run off abroad and get married with nobody there, or get married with 2 close friends it's your choice because it's your day.

I never understand why (and it usually seems to be the Mothers of the respective people) who think they can dictate on such things. In Yoga yesterday I heard about a Mum who has been crying because her Daughter (the lady in yoga) said she could not come to the hospital when she was giving birth as she wanted it to be her and her DH. Fair enough I think.

MIL needs to butt out but I would not continue the conversation about the wedding with her. Just move on and be happy that you had the day you both wanted. Congratulations :)

Original poster
fivecandles · 11/09/2011 10:41

Exactly, Loudlass. That's exactly how I feel. Thankyou.

Apart from anything else it's just so incredibly inappropriate to pour gloom on the happiness of a newlywedded couple.

OP posts:
NarkyPuffinLovesDiane · 11/09/2011 10:41

' I think as grownups they should be able to put those feelings aside in order to think of our feelings'

Grin Like you did you mean?

CardyMow · 11/09/2011 10:41

So you don't think it is emotionally abusive to be howling, crying and taking to your bed because you were not in control of a situation? And getting one of your dc to guilt-trip the other because they were not 'enabling' their mother to feel in control?

Maybe my POV comes from having a MOTHER that would act like this in that situation?

Turn it around - you went to a party that your DP/DH hadn't been invited to, and HE took to his bed, howling and crying and guilt-tripping you, and getting other family members to pile on the guilt - still not EA?

tryingtoleave · 11/09/2011 10:42

30 people is not a big wedding. It is like a birthday party or a BBQ. A couple of cakes would have made everyone happy.

TidyDancer · 11/09/2011 10:42

I don't think it's because she didn't get her own way, how could it be that? She wasn't given the opportunity to even express her POV, so she can hardly be accused of not getting her own way.

The ILs have sent a gift to the OP and that to me is the most appropriate congratulations in the circumstances.

I feel very very sorry for the ILs. Not invited to the wedding, not told about the wedding, and not allowed to feel upset about it. :(

stripeybump · 11/09/2011 10:43

Listen to TidyDancer - she is talking absolute sense.

And I hope you at least try to mend the rift that you have caused with your brand new in-laws. You must have known this would hurt them badly? Was your DH happy to do this, knowing how upset his parents would be?