to have got married secretly with only 2 witnesses?

[fivecandles]

Dp and I been together 13 odd years with ups and downs and 2 children. Decided to get married because really it's about time for all sorts of reasons BUT didn't want a big faff or the expense of a big wedding. Don't like to be the centre of attention, other financial commitments, it's dh's 2nd marriage, we're not religious etc, etc. DH has a very large family and if we'd invited his mum and dad we'd have had to invite his siblings and before you know it we would have had at least 30 people just with close family. So we had a quiet but lovely wedding in register office. DH had his best mate for his witness and I had mine and they brought their families. We then went for a lovely lunch in a nice restaurant and had a lovely day together.

Told our respective families the next day. Mine completely understood and very happy that we're finally respectable and legal. DH's horribly upset and accused us of being deceitful (because we didn't tell them beforehand) and so on. DH had long conversation with them which was very heated in places but reached a sort of resolution even if it was an agreement to differ sort of thing.

Now they've not spoken to me at all although they did send a card and a little bit of money a few weeks after the event. I sent them some photos and the only contact I've had with them directly is now a letter from MIL saying how happy we look in the photos and how upset this makes her!! She has been showing the photos to all her friends and they're also really upset apparently. She's told dh about how she's been crying for days and not sleeping and one of dh's siblings has written to say similar things.

Anway, having said nothing and hoped it would all blow over, I've felt moved to write back to MIL to remind them that a wedding is a happy occasion and ask them to put aside their negative views and be happy for us and respect our choices. AIBU???

'but of course you could have asked your ILs (who are your dh's parents) without it snowballing'

Oh, come on! We all know how weddings work. Even Kate Middleton had complaints about the people she didn't invite.

I think I've said a few times that dh has a big family. If we'd invited both sets of parents dh's parents would have straight away done the sort of guilt tripping they're doing now until we invited the siblings which would have meant another 16 people. Then they would have started on the aunts and uncles and cousins and we would have been up to 30 or 40 with just immediate family.

We did the same as you, although it was our first marriage and it was no-one but us.

MIL was upset and explained why (my family were fine and so was the rest of DH's). I understood then, but now I am a mum, I understand much more.

Try and grin and bear the fact that for now she is gutted. She will move on in time, just do not expect her to right now.

Congratulations by the way.

'Maybe you should approach them from the perspective of "I'm sorry we've hurt you", rather than "I'm sorry you're upset". Take some ownership of what's happened and you might find you can move forward.'

Tidy, I think that would be very odd and would suggest we've done something wrong. We haven't. We have made a choice to have a small private wedding which was the right choice for us. We cannot control how people reacted to that. As I've said most people have expressed delight and support.

'And to be frank, your mother's reaction was lovely, but don't fool yourself she wouldn't have preferred to be there. You're her daughter. It was your first wedding, ffs.'

I think I probably know how my mother feels more than you do. She and my father have been delighted. They are not religious and don't like big 'dos'. Their own wedding was very similar to ours. Maybe 5 guests and back to the pub.

Dandy, I just think it's common courtesy to congratulate and welcome your daughter in law into your family. Is that so unusual?? My parents certainly did this to my husband.

Custard, it was either keep it secret or say we're getting married next week and you're not invited.

If you had told them, then you would have had all this drama before the wedding, and would have been guilt tripped into inviting them and the siblings.

But you have hurt them. And tbh, I do think you've done something wrong, as I said, not the wedding part, but the way it's all been handled. You're not apologising for having the wedding the way you did, but how things have been dealt with since.

Do you even want to make things better?! Because if you do, I suggest you swallow your pride and perceived indignance and really accept you have hurt them.

Again, don't measure your ILs reaction against those of other people, people have wildly differing reactions to the same events every day. You yourself have acknowledged that.

You keep referring back to the fact that you chose to have a small private wedding. Fine. I've never said you shouldn't have that, not once. I congratulated you on your wedding.

I think you are very aggrieved that your ILs haven't lived up to your expectations on this, and that this is preventing you from accepting their hurt is your fault. Suck up your pride and apologise. Even if you feel you did nothing wrong, if you want to put things right, you need to acknowledge that they feel you did.

OP - YANBU. MIL should be happy that you and her son enjoyed your wedding day, and she should be congratulating you, not trying to spoil your memories of your wedding day. Doesn't MATTER whether MIL is happy about it or not - it wasn't MIL's wedding.

Why should the OP take 'ownership' of the MIL's histronics? The MIL needs to grow the fuck up, IMO. The MIL got to do her wedding day the way SHE wanted to, and she also got to be a part of the OP's first, seemingly larger wedding. She should just congratulate the OP and OP's DH, and keep any upset feelings to herself - not pile the guilt trips on the OP and OP's DH.

The MIL should take 'ownership' of the fact that part of the reason she wasn't invited is because the OP REALLY wanted a quiet wedding, and the OP obviously knew she would be guilt-tripped so badly that she wouldn't get the wedding SHE wanted, if she had tried to involve the MIL in advance. If the MIL didn't have an (obvious) history of trying to use emotional manipulation to get her own way, maybe the OP would have involved her more.

MIL brought this on herself. That much is clear to ME.

Custard, there are 2 things here 1 is the wedding and 2 is the way we did it. I think if my in laws had said 'we're really happy you're married and congratulations but we wish you'd done it differently' that would be one thing and I would have respected this completely. As I've said we've already said how sorry we are that they're upset. But the in laws are not able to see that the 1st thing is in the grand scale of things more important than the second. They've put their feelings about being left out before the most important thing which is that we're married and we're happy and actually said things which are very hurtful and upsetting to us.

Ultimately it's my view that the most important thing about a wedding is that the couple are happy and committed and loving and against that whehter they choose to marry in a hot air balloon or a cathedral is insignifiacnt. I think we like my in laws will have to agree to differ if that's not what you think.

It's not taking ownership of histronics, it's taking ownership of the fact that the OP and her DH have done something that has really upset their family. It's that simple.

'You're not apologising for having the wedding the way you did, but how things have been dealt with since.'

Again, I don't think we've anything to apologise for. We got married in the way we wanted to for all the reasons I've already said. Neither of us have done anything since which we regret either. Instead we've had to listen very patiently and calmly to all sorts of hurtful and upsetting comments including the threat that they won't speak to us again and will only speak to our children!! I'm not absolutely sure how we could have hadnled things any differently.

I bloody well wouldn't apologise if all I had done was to have the wedding I wanted. Why the fuck should I? Not MIL's day - MINE AND WHOEVER I AM MARRYING.

I could acknowledge that MIL was upset - but not that her upset came before congratulating me and my husband on our marriage. She's RUDE. 3yo's display their upset to everyone around them - adults work through their upset in private, especially if they are unreasonably upset!

It seesm key issue is that the witnesses are people who mean something to the couple so logic in eyes of family is 'Why didi you invite one set of people who mean a lot to you but not another?'

I can see the logic in that (which is why, when we did the same, our witnesses were complete strangers.)

Don't really understand your point Tidy. Of course, we've 'taken ownership' of our choices. We are not responsible for how other people might react to them. That is their responsibility.

If you'd invited your mil to the wedding then she would have had a perfect opportunity to say congratulations. It is a bit much for you to be miffed after excluding her.

Well, that was a dilemma, moondog. I can only say again that we thought long and hard about it but we didn't want to get people off the streets partly because our own children who were bridesmaids would have found that odd and partly because although it was a small and low key wedding we wanted it to be special and meaningul. Having my best friend there as a witness will always be a very special memory for me.

To clarify - MIL has had HER wedding. this wasn't her wedding to make the decisions about. While I would be upset if my DD decided to get married in this way - I would congratulate her, ask for copies of pictures to put up, and work through my own disappointment in private, without involving my DD or her husband at all. It's called being a grown-up that doesn't expect my emotions to control anyone else!

You're deliberately misreading what I've written I think. I'm not referring to your choices, I'm referring to their hurt. I don't think you even want to accept they could be entitled to be hurt.

Well yes Five, and she knows it was speacial because some peopel who love you were there.
What upsets her is the division you have made, inviting some special folk and not others.